Chapter 38
Exhaustion weighs heavily on him as he kicks off his shoes. He peels out of his aseptic-smelling jumpsuit and crawls under the blankets. Wrapping himself in them, he inhales deeply, taking in her lingering scent like an addict.
Please, just let me sleep, he prays, hoping Zephyr will finally take pity on his weary body. How long can he go on like this?
Even Sable commented on his bedraggled look as they finished with the last of the decoy units right in time for GROW’s midnight deadline.
For the last five days, if Sable wasn’t at GROW dealing with the ramifications of the inspection, she was in the lab with him, psion-splicing DNA vectors into the organic bio-gel substrate, then using the accelerated test protocols to grow a full lab’s worth of manupartners as blanks.
Her presence was an interesting break in the monotony of After Electra, at least. Despite Sable’s role as a physician with GROW, she easily operated the Spot-Gene Interface while they waited between phases, sifting through the highly technical Jerme data.
She seemed to understand the science she was looking at, asking for time to mull it over, but already offering a few promising suggestions.
Is he actually weighing the prospect of hiring her?
Inspector Wanda’s suspicions present a challenge, but if he can help prove her relative innocence, the ambitious physician might end up being the hire he needs.
And if NHOS ends up shutting down GROW permanently, which is still up in the air, she’ll be looking for a new position.
He’ll have to deal with her involvement with the IdenTECH company, though.
That could be problematic. As intriguing as he finds her, hiring her might be too risky.
He gets the impression she’s a bit of a loose cannon.
He rolls over, glances at the clock, and buries his face in the pillow. 02:34. Sleep, he begs.
After another hour of pointless ruminating on the future of his company, his thoughts unavoidably drift back to Electra and another future stolen from him.
His grief briefly transforms into anger.
He did this to himself, and he’s being too cowardly to write in to Dear Electra like Sable suggested, afraid of rejection.
If he does nothing, the possibility is still out there. The lack of finality feels safer.
He huffs. Since he clearly isn’t going to fall asleep, he sits up and reaches for his device. If he could just read one of her journal entries . . . He’s not supposed to, but he’s rather desperate to feel some connection to her. She’ll never know.
He quickly finds the folder that she renamed “Electra’s Private X-Rated Thoughts (Hint: Res6 is Forbidden).” Just seeing her words lessens the ache in his chest.
He leans back on a pile of pillows and opens the last entry from a week ago. The day she left.
Her words populate on screen, and he settles in.
Dear Res6,
Not “Dear Reader.” His stomach drops. She must have known he’d eventually break down and discover the entry.
I’m sorry I left without seeing you first. The truth is, I couldn’t face you.
Knowing how you feel about me, that you find dating a human woman “inadvisable.” Especially after what we shared.
But the things you said—did you think if you sabotaged us, you wouldn’t have to feel the big scary things you were feeling?
Push the human woman away now to avoid potential loss in the future before you get in too deep?
How long did it take you to find this, anyway?
Days? Weeks? If you had figured out a way to get me back, I would have deleted this, so we know that hasn’t happened. Obviously, you don’t want me back.
God, I’m not making sense. I just need to get this out. I knew you would find this, and you deserve an explanation. At least that’s what Janet would advise. Hell, it’s what I would advise. Real life is a bitch though, isn’t it?
I tried to be there for you, but you didn’t want it. I’m evidently not what you need. After the lying and hiding things, I don’t see how we can work.
Especially when you’re clinging to the past like a life vest and you can’t even see it. You think you can bring Jerme back and I’m going to magically fix you both, but I can’t fix you, Res6. You have to fix you.
STOP right now. I can hear you calling me a hypocrite.
A chuckle escapes his lips. He stops reading to wipe his eyes. Reading her letter intensifies the ache in his chest. But in place of loss, a bone-deep longing for some lost future that will never happen takes hold. His eyes drop back to her words.
I know I need to fix myself, too. I have to figure out how to be okay on my own.
That’s part of the reason I left. Since this is my new life, I need to be valid on my own.
I can’t keep waiting for something bad to happen, like you tiring of me.
Or me feeling like I’m in constant competition with your stupid manupartners or some fantasy of resurrecting your dead brother.
Maybe that’s what it all boils down to. You make me feel like I’m not worth choosing. And I can’t live like that.
My heart aches because I thought we had found something special. I guess I was wrong. There really isn’t anything left to say. Have a nice life, Res6. I hope you find what you’re looking for.
Coming to terms,
Electra
He sits there for a moment, stunned. How did he not choose her? Or is this some excuse to reject him because of how messed up she thinks he is?
I would do anything—trade anything to get him back.
He implied he’d choose Jerme over her. He didn’t mean it.
He felt hurt that she had hidden the Dear Electra column from him.
Then, when she confronted him about his lie, his shame caused him to lash out to hurt her back.
Was he really trying to sabotage them to protect himself?
He lets out a bitter laugh. Look where he is now.
The hole he’s dug with his hurtful words is massive. Helping Sable and James isn’t going to be enough. He needs a new plan. Taking a note from her playbook, he opens the Scrawl app. At the top of a blank page, he writes:
How to win back the hand of the fair maiden, in five not-so-simple steps.
He considers consulting DumBot, but he ended up accidentally dating her last time he did that. The virtual assistant would probably make the situation worse. He needs to do this on his own to show her he’s serious. Right. Five steps:
1 – Help Sable with the reincarnates.
Already done, but it’s nice to add to the list nonetheless for the simple pleasure of checking things off.
2 – Start going to my FRIENDS meetings myself.
A few weeks should suffice to show he’s trying.
3 – Get Electra an ID.
Sable owes him, so basically in progress.
4 – Write into the Dear Electra column groveling.
Sounds painful. Will do later.
5 – Choose Electra and make sure she knows it.
Will be the easiest thing in the world. He only needs to get there.
Perhaps there needs to be a sixth step: Stop trying to resurrect Jerme.
He has two remaining samples. He could call Sable off and put them back in storage. Or you could destroy them? That would really show her you were serious.
The permanence of the thought makes his stomach flutter anxiously. Once he gets Electra back, he’ll consider it.