31. Hannah
Chapter thirty-one
Hannah
M atty or Rico hired Amelia almost full-time now. I scolded them for being ridiculous, but they insisted she needed the hours and experience, and they want to spoil me. A sliver of unease slid through my ribs, as if I wasn't the one cooking and cleaning what was I even good for?
But then I realized that was my ex-husband's voice, not mine. I hated cooking and cleaning, and if Viv hates cooking and cleaning growing up, I pray her husband outsources that shit so she can spend her time doing what she likes.
I step out of the shower and wipe down the steam on the mirror. I take a look at the woman standing in my reflection. My body's gotten toned from riding twice a week with Lauren, and I've started yoga again.
For two months the boys have been coming over every Friday for movie nights, joining us again in the mornings for Soccer and we typically all go to the Vault Saturday night to see how "Book Club" is doing. Turns out Sarah posted about it on a local mommy Facebook group and women outnumber the men attending the underground boxing.
I see them outside the house as much as possible, and while the sex is incredible, we often just hang out and talk. They've let me into their mafia and legitimate businesses, too.
I know it's not fair to compare them to Alan, but it's hard not to. The way they look at me as if I'm the most beautiful woman they've ever seen. They treat me like their queen. They're thoughtful, caring, tender, and protective. Everything I had hoped Alan would become.
And the way they love my kids? They make my ovaries ache for another, just so I can watch them be fathers for the entire journey. Santiago took Vivian to the daddy-daughter dance and picked her up in a limo. They apparently got stares from the other parents, but neither one of them cared. They danced and laughed and lived in their own little world.
Rico and Santiago have started teaching all three of them basic boxing moves. Not that they need it, but it's been great for their self-esteem.
Matty has started taking me out for dates with Aid and Viv, where Aid can practice dating. I loathe that idea, but he's a pre-teen, and I'd rather he be confident when the time comes than not. He can date when he's eighteen. But these practice dates are also amazing for Viv, to see how she should be wooed, and to take nothing less in its place. If I'm honest, I had begun to worry that Viv would mimic what she saw at home and let a man treat her the way Alan treated me. That should have been enough to force me to separate from Alan years ago, but before that night with Rico, I really was just phoning it in. Letting life happen to me, instead of creating the life I should have.
Not anymore.
Now I am creating a life I love. One I don't feel the need to escape from by sending the kids to my parents and smoking pot. I think of that night and what I'd admitted to Rico. About how careless I'd been with my own life because if I died I could finally rest.
My life now? It's one I can't get enough of.
Even the kids seem lighter and happier for it. And that really makes it all worth it.
It's in the big moments and the little ones - constant reminders of how good my life is. It's in the friendship bracelets the kids made for the boys. It was the one night Viv woke with a nightmare and instead of sleeping with me, she wanted to cuddle Santi, who was already in bed with me. It's in the iced coffee and flowers the boys keep bringing me. It's the love notes Rico leaves around my house for me to find. It's in the innocent moments and the heated ones.
I smile and shake my head at myself. All along, this could have been my life. Better later than never.
I just took an everything shower - probably for the first time in a decade. I wipe down the condensation in my mirror and dig underneath the vanity to find some nail polish. They're probably expired, but I find two that look okay - a white and a pink.
I bite my lower lip, debating.
My phone pings on the counter next to me.
Your #1 Fan: Go for the white.
I gasp a little, looking around me until I find the tiny camera lens in the corner. I knew they had installed cameras for safety, but Matty and Rico are just little pervs. At least it's pointed away from the toilet.
I stick my tongue out at him but can't stop my smile. Another comparison. Alan could go weeks without giving me any attention. These boys can't seem to go more than a day. A warmth spread through my bones at feeling wanted, desired.
My phone pings again.
Your #1 Fan: You know what white toenails mean, right?
Me: No ?
Matty sends me a link of exactly what white-painted toenails mean and I can't help but the loud, free laugh that escapes me.
Me: Perv
Your #1 Fan: You love it.
I do. I really do. God, I love all three of my men.
So I shake the white nail polish and polish my toes.