Chapter 2
Julian did not expect to see Lady Clara so soon.
He knew when he returned to London, aged five and twenty, that he would eventually see her again, and that was in truth one of the things drawing him back, but he did not think that it would be as unceremonious as it was.
He had planned to write to her, to explain his absence and apologize profusely and arrange a way to see her. Instead, he had never been able to find the words and was forced to watch her dance with another man.
“What is it?” Eliza asked, looking up at him curiously.
“What do you mean?”
“You are tense, Cousin. I know that it has been a long time since you were last here, but you were never like this before.”
Julian sighed. It was true that he had never been afraid to command attention, but that had been before his sudden absence.
He knew that the ton had their opinions and theories as to where he had been, but he did not know what they were.
Given how sudden it had been, they could have assumed anything of him.
Including Lady Clara.
He had wanted to take Eliza to meet her, to explain that he was sponsoring his cousin during the season, but before he could do so he noticed her friend.
Lady Cecilia was not the sort of lady he had ever spent time with, and he knew that she was a strange character.
He watched as she switched drinks, pouring out a lemonade in favor of something far stronger, and then handed it to Lady Clara.
Julian had never imagined Lady Clara touching anything stronger than tea, yet she took the glass and drank with surprising resolve—certainly more than he would have expected from her.
He decided not to make any introductions, as it would not bode well for him if his cousin had such bad social habits instilled in her.
Instead, he showed her around the room, making introductions with people that he hardly remembered at all.
When he looked at the dance floor, he saw Lady Clara there.
She was smiling, laughing at something her partner was saying.
She was sharper than before, poised and even more beautiful than she had been when they met.
Julian remembered that first spark between them, the way her smile made him feel unlike anything else ever had.
He longed to return to that time, before he destroyed everything, but he could not. Instead, she was with another man, someone finely dressed that he could only assume was her husband. That would have made sense, as married ladies were able to do less ladylike things such as escaping for a drink.
That was what he told himself, at least.
“That is her, is it not?” Eliza said suddenly. “The one with the chestnut hair?”
“I- I do not know what you mean.”
“Julian, you left London abruptly and spent the following years in some strange state of misery. We have returned, and you are at once looking at her. She has to have been important to you, yes?”
He sighed, not knowing what to say to her.
“Are you truly going to pretend she is not there? I have watched you look nervously since you agreed to sponsor me, so you know as well as I do that she continues to have an effect on you. Now, are you going to make an introduction, or am I going to wait for the dance to come to an end and make one myself?”
At that moment, the music ended. Eliza gave him a look, one eyebrow raised, and then she turned on her heel, walking toward Lady Clara. Julian’s heart pounded, and he followed after her. He had not planned to see her, not yet, and he needed time to think about what he would say to her.
His cousin, however, was not going to allow him to do that.
“Good evening, my lord.”
He blinked. They were standing in front of Lady Clara and Lady Cecilia, and they were both looking at him expectantly.
“Good evening,” he said brightly, hoping that by using his charms he might avoid talking about anything important. “It is lovely here, is it not? I would like to introduce you to Lady Eliza Ashford.”
“Yes, how lovely,” Lady Cecilia scowled.
Julian knew, at once, what they assumed.
“She is my cousin. I am sponsoring her this year.”
In an instant, he saw relief in Lady Clara’s eyes. He hoped he knew why that was, even if it was for nothing.
“It is a pleasure to meet you,” Eliza said gently. “I have heard so much about you, Lady Clara.”
“And nothing about me?” Lady Cecilia asked, to which Eliza chuckled.
“I have heard most wonderful things about you, though my dear cousin would rather I had not.”
The ladies seemed to accept her in an instant. He, on the other hand, was not nearly as welcome. Fortunately, Eliza had also seemingly noticed this and was eager to help him.
“Lady Cecilia,” she said brightly, “might you accompany me to the refreshments? I have so much to ask you.”
The friend looked uncertain, but she nodded and took her away. Julian simply hoped that there would be no further drink changes.
“It is… a lovely night,” he repeated.
“Why are you here?” Lady Clara asked sharply.
“I am here to sponsor my cousin. That is all.”
“And why did you leave?”
Julian did not know how to answer her, instead thinking of something he could ask her in return.
“Where is he?”
“Who?”
“Your husband. I thought I saw him before?”
She looked at him with a furrowed brow, as if he were mocking her. He tried not to look at her in confusion, but that was all he could seem to do.
“You were dancing with him.”
At last, she seemed to understand. She laughed softly, shaking her head and glancing around until she saw the gentleman from before.
“Do you mean him?” she asked, pointing in his direction to which Julian nodded. “That is Lord Branscombe. Our families are friends with one another, and he is a very kind man, but we are not married.”
It was a relief to hear, but Julian felt conflicted all the same.
If she were married, it would have hurt him greatly, but he would have at least had a reason to push his feelings aside.
She would have been unobtainable, and there would have been no changing that.
Instead, he had to cast his feelings aside without any real reason, which would be almost too difficult to bear.
In any case, she had seemingly forgotten her question, and when Eliza and Lady Cecilia returned they changed the topic of their discussion altogether. Instead, talk turned to Eliza, and her expectations for her first season out in society.
Uncertain as to whether or not his presence was wounding Lady Clara, he remained with them for a short while before leaving to find a friend of his.
He was happy to leave his cousin with the two ladies, as although they had done something unbecoming, he knew Lady Clara.
He knew that she would take care of Eliza.
He found his friend quickly. Lord Nathaniel Grayson was a man of good build, and he knew precisely why ladies had flocked to him years before.
When he married, it was expected that he would not be half as popular, but hardly anything changed.
When Julian found him, ladies nearby staring at him, he could not help but comment on it.
“They are aware that you have a wife, yes?” he asked.
“And a son. Yes, I rather think they would have their time better spent by finding a gentleman that is not spoken for, but you know how they can be.”
“What does Amelia think of them?”
“Well, it is not as though she cares very much. After what I did to marry her to begin with, I am quite convinced that she will never doubt my intentions.”
Julian chuckled. Grayson had been expected to marry a very wealthy and very suitable young lady, but he had not wanted any part in it.
Instead, he had found a lady that he was truly in love with, and he had married her within the month.
It had made waves in the ton, but he had never cared.
Julian had always admired him for that, because that had been the one thing he could not do.
“Have you spoken to her yet?” Grayson asked.
“Amelia? No, I have not seen her as yet.”
“Of course you have not, for she is not here. She is home with our child. I am only here for business purposes. I meant her.”
He knew that Grayson was gesturing toward Lady Clara.
“Yes,” he replied. “I have thought about our reunion for years now, but when she was in front of me I did not know what to say to her. I feel like such a fool.”
“That is because you are one. If you want to make amends, you should do so sooner rather than later, else she might think that you were never interested in her.”
“She would not think that. She would know that I liked her, would she not?”
“I do not know, for I have never had such a thing happen to me. What say you?”
Julian thought for a moment, and he did not know what to say. He knew that his return would be difficult, but he had not expected to have such difficulty speaking. He had never struggled to express himself, and he hated that it was happening when he needed to do it more than ever.
“You have nothing to lose,” Grayson said kindly. “Tell her what happened. She is a good lady. She will understand.”
“Have you seen her at events the last few years?”
“I might have, or I might not have. I shall gladly reveal all once you give me a reason to tell you.”
Julian nodded, a sudden confidence coming to him. His friend was right; he had to tell Lady Clara what had happened and ask for her forgiveness. It was possible that she had no interest in knowing him anymore, and he could not blame her for that, but he had to know for certain.
As he made his way there, he noticed that Eliza was dancing.
She was pleased to be with the gentleman, and Julian recognized him at once as the man Lady Clara had been dancing with.
She had told him that he was a good man, and so Julian was not alarmed by it.
What he wanted, more than anything, was to speak to Lady Clara, and he would do so as long as her friend allowed him to.
He was behind them, and just about to rejoin their conversation.
Then he heard them talking.
“Why has he chosen now to return?” Lady Clara groaned. “Of all times, he is here now. I do not need any of this.”
“He is only here to chaperone his cousin. Clara, gentlemen do not change. They do what pleases them and they do not care who they hurt in doing so. He did not care for you when he disappeared, and he does not care for you now. He is only doing what will make his time here easier. Making you upset and me angry will not accomplish that.”
“I know, although I must admit that a part of me cannot help but think-”
“I am telling you this because you are my greatest friend. You are not thinking at all. He has hurt you before and he will hurt you again. Do not allow him to do that.”
“I will not. Have more faith in me, Cecilia. I have told you that I will find a husband this season, and his arrival has not changed my mind. I will do what I must, whether he is here or not.”
Julian wanted to interrupt them, to tell Lady Cecilia that he had no intention of doing such a thing, but he could see how Lady Clara was standing. She looked defeated, as though she had been happier without him. He did not want to make her feel that way after everything she had been through.
And so he walked away.