Chapter Twenty
Sophie
An hour later, we’re on our way home. Tony is driving; the three of us are in the back. I’m seated between the two boys.
Spencer and Carlo are both quiet, and I know they’re contemplating everything that’s happened in the last few hours.
The tension between the two men is palpable, making the atmosphere in the car thick and extremely uncomfortable.
When we stood back from our embrace, it was obvious the boys had been fighting. Spencer had a cut on his lip, and there were multiple bottles broken near the bar. Though thankfully, it wasn’t the devastation Carlo had predicted.
When I first suggested this scene, Carlo warned me Spencer would lash out, but for me, that was the whole point. I wanted to get my husband’s attention and to show him I wasn’t against Carlo. But most importantly, I wanted him to remember how it feels when you see your partner with someone else.
Just because I’ve accepted and played along with the sexual deviancy he’s nurtured, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t need pulling back occasionally.
This time he’s gone too far. I know many women could never forgive him, but I’m determined to try.
The deep emotional ache I’m experiencing reminds me of the day when I lost Lily in the park a few weeks ago.
It was a fleeting moment, but even so, when we were reacquainted, I wasn’t sure whether to hug her or punish her.
This entire plan was to show him I’m not just a wife and mother, and I’m still the woman he married, with the same urges I’ve always had.
It wasn’t until I spoke to Carlo that it also became an opportunity to show him that I accepted his best friend, and their relationship shouldn’t be something he’s ashamed of.
Twenty minutes after getting in the car, Spencer speaks for the first time. His voice is low, but what it lacks in volume, it makes up for in depth.
“I know you hate me, and I don’t blame you. I hate myself too at the moment.”
He doesn’t address either of us, so I naturally assume he’s talking to us both.
“Stop trying to get sympathy,” I sigh. “Personally, I’m not interested in talking to you unless you’re ready to be completely transparent with me.”
“I’ve never lied to you,” he snaps, automatically on the defensive and I can’t deny I’m pleased to hear his fire.
I snigger.
“Really? You’re still sticking with that?” I roll my eyes, turning my body as much as I can, when sandwiched between two large men. “Okay, look, I need to know what’s going on in your mind.”
He rubs his fingers over his cut lip deep in thought.
“Oh, and incidentally, in the future, I’d also prefer to be consulted if you consider investing in an establishment like that again.”
He grins, tilting his head, and reminding me of the adorable young man who captured my heart.
“Did he tell you?” he asks, jerking his head at Carlo.
Our friend tenses beside me.
“No, Carlo didn’t tell me.” I pick up Carlo’s hand, squeezing it. “He’s too loyal to you to tell me. Carlo would never betray you. Not even to me, and you can’t ever doubt that.”
Spencer hangs his head in shame. Rather than continuing, I give him a few minutes to consider what he’s accusing his oldest friend of.
As the electric atmosphere mellows, I sweep my hair behind my ear.
“I know you love me, Spencer.”
He turns his full focus on me, alarm dancing in his eyes.
“I hope so,” he insists. “I love you, Lily, and Carlo more than anything.”
Examining the lines on his forehead and the tension in his face, I stop. Carlo squeezes my hand to give me the confidence to continue.
“What does Kalie give you that I don’t?”
Spencer’s eyes droop closed. “Absolutely nothing.”
I frown in disbelief. “You realize that makes no sense, don’t you?”
He nods.
“Are you bored with me? Or not interested in sex with me anymore?” I push him.
“Emphatically not,” he exclaims forcefully.
He studies me for a moment, perhaps trying to figure out what to add.
“Carlo will attest to the fact that I rarely touch these women.”
My head draws back on my shoulder in disbelief. I know that’s the case with some of his random hook ups, but even though he made the same claim the other day, I didn’t expect it with her.
“I’m aware it’s nonsensical. The best way I can explain it is that I like to control them. To have them desperate and begging for me. The endorphins the experience releases seem to help.” His eyes flick to Carlo. “When Carlo’s there, I just like watching him with them.”
“Help what?”
“To distract me from . . .
Carlo audibly puffs out a frustrated breath.
The car falls silent. I don’t even know what to say.
A glance out of the windscreen tells me we’ll be home in five minutes. We need to resolve this before we get out of the car, in here these guys can’t escape from each other. Or fight, come to that.
“Is this yearning for domination worth jeopardizing our marriage for?”
“No.”
He tilts his head back, leaning his crown on the headrest.
“Sophie, the issue isn’t with you; it’s with me. I’m restless, and I think Carlo’s hit the nail on the head. I’m trying to deny my body’s instinct to be with him sometimes.”
Spencer’s gaze flicks to our driver, Tony.
“When Carlo and I were in school, since my first few years of puberty, I’ve had fantasies about him.
I’ve never looked at any other man the same way.
But sometimes I feel like I’m chasing something that’s invisible.
” He locks eyes with me. “When we’re together, you satisfy me more than any woman I’ve ever had sex with.
Carlo can’t give me what you do, and you can’t give me what he does.
” He closes his eyes. “I don’t want to feel like this.
I just want a normal marriage. But without Carlo, there will always be something missing. ”
My mouth goes dry and Carlo’s hand grips mine more firmly. I can hear the pulse pounding in my ears.
“I know it’s my fault our relationship with Carlo ended,” I confess, my voice soft, hesitant.
His eyelids shoot open, his gorgeous hazel eyes troubled.
“I accept full responsibility for that but what you’re searching for you found years ago, and because of my ridiculous outburst, you’ve been denying yourself. But I don’t understand why. I’ve told you countless times that I’m more than happy for you to be with Carlo.”
His expression sharpens, the delicate skin around his eyes wrinkling as he narrows them.
“What you asked for that night wasn’t unreasonable, Soph. I’ve failed you.” His voice drops to a whisper. “I’ve tried to mask my desires for Carlo with erotic scenes in the club.” He rolls his head back. “It’s a complicated web of shame and desire that therapy is helping to untangle.”
Carlo’s hand on mine is now so tight it’s hurting.
Spencer glances at his friend, his face anxious.
“I’m not gay, Sophie but I don’t think I will ever be able to give Carlo up entirely.”
We pull up on our drive and Carlo reaches for the door handle. I can feel the frustration pouring off him in waves. Spencer mimics his move, but the sound of my voice stops them both.
“Thank you for finally admitting how you feel,” I say, my voice soft.
The two boys lock eyes over my head, a brief silent conversation passing between them.
Spencer climbs out of the car and then turns to hold his hand out to me. Typically chivalrous. I slide my hand into his and experience the ever-present charge between us.
Once I’ve slid out of the back of the car, he doesn’t withdraw his hand; instead, he draws me toward him. His mouth is only an inch from my own.
“Whatever happens between us, Sophie, I will never love another.”
My free hand grasps his shirt, desperate to hold on to him. To believe him.
“Show me,” I whisper, never breaking eye contact with him. “Not in the bedroom. With your actions. Show me.”
He pulls me closer, surrounding me with his brawny arms, and I inhale in the familiar scent of him, relieved that for the first time in a while, it’s not tainted with the scent of another woman.