Chapter Twenty-Three
Spencer
Spending the day with Sophie alone was blissful. It’s been years since she and I have just hung out, without me having to charge off to the office, or Lily having some requirement or other. Having my wife to myself feels golden.
We chatted for hours, clearing the tense air from the last few years between us and finding the remnants of our former friendship in the debris. The act of removing my previous filter and just chatting to her openly is such a positive experience.
I didn’t realize how debilitating it had been to withhold information from Sophie until the full story came out.
She seemed relieved that I’d started talking to Dr. Klein, hoping it might help me find some peace, the kind that would let me move forward without shame or regret.
The only elephant left in the room was the scene Sophie and Carlo performed last night.
“How are you feeling now?” she asks.
We’ve just returned home from a late lunch at Sophie’s favorite haunt in the village. Apparently, she often meets girlfriends for coffee there.
I could blame not knowing snippets of information like this about my wife on my long work hours, but the truth is, it’s probably because of what’s going on between us. Either way, it just makes the distance I’ve caused feel even bigger.
Once I’d fixed our drinks, we took them into the sitting room to continue chatting.
“In the last twenty-four hours, I think I’ve experienced the complete spectrum of emotions,” I say in a non-committal way.
She quirks her head, well-practiced in the art of giving nothing away.
“The first part of yesterday evening was both torture and one of the sexiest things I’ve ever seen.”
A slow, steady smirk creeps up her face.
“Do you enjoy watching your boyfriend fucking me?”
Her voice is deep and velvety, like dark chocolate melting on the tongue—intimate, lingering. When she moistens her lips with a slow flick of her tongue, it’s both effortless and electric.
Is it our conversation or the memory of last night that’s turning her on?
“The answer to that isn’t straightforward.”
Her chin slides to the right an inch, as if she’s challenging me to explain.
“I felt envious. Carlo experiencing your pleasure made me feel physically sick.”
I’d been slouching on the couch, and sat up suddenly, realizing my error.
“And before you say it, I realize how hypocritical that is.”
For the first time, she breaks eye contact, peering down at the floor, appearing dejected. Her action makes the bottom fall out of my stomach.
“The two of you appeared so perfect. Your flawless bodies sliding together is one of the sexist things I’ve ever seen.”
I peer at her neckline, a glimpse of the soft contours of her breasts clear over the top of her dress.
“Seeing your eyes flare with excitement when he entered you nearly made me cum in my pants.”
The rapid rise and fall of her chest thickens my cock.
“Kalie is beautiful,” she whispers.
A chill blankets every inch of my body at the sound of her name on my wife’s lips.
Seeing Sophie’s vulnerability physically hurts. My instinct is to reach for her but as my hand slides along the cushion toward her, I sense the need to stop.
“I didn’t want her to touch me last night, and I don’t want her to touch me again.”
Her gaze collides with mine.
“Seeing you in a sex club again flipped something in my head . . . it’s hard to explain.” I stop to think. “I don’t want the mother of my child in there.”
She opens her mouth to object, and I raise my hand to stop her.
“And I don’t want her father in there either. Kalie and that place made me feel dirty last night.”
Sophie presses her lips together firmly, and I can tell she’s trying not to smile.
“Ironic, huh?” I quip, hoping to safeguard the serene atmosphere between us.
It’s a relief to see her cheeky grin.
“Kind of.”
Her attention drops to my hand. Reaching forward, she places her fingers on my palm. I automatically curl my much larger hand around hers, allowing my shoulders to relax a little.
“When is your next appointment with Dr. Klein?”
“On Tuesday evening,” I say, enjoying the sensation of her hand in mine.
“And you’re finding it beneficial to talk about everything?”
“I think so. My head is so confused with all of this. I don’t want to be this person, Sophie. Not for you, not for Lily, and not for myself.”
“What about Carlo?” she asks.
“What about him?” I demand. The air suddenly getting trapped in my lungs .
Is she going to tell me I’ve got to give him up?
“You need each other, Spence. He’s already told me he doesn’t want the three of us to be a regular thing.”
Her shoulders rise a few degrees and then fall again.
“I think I agree with him. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing you two together, and our nights as a threesome were life changing. But I respect his point of view. I’m not sure the throuple thing is right for us anymore.”
I release the breath I’m holding with a long sigh.
“What about Lily?” I sigh.
Her face contorts completely this time. “What do you mean?”
“What if she knew her father liked dicking around with her uncle?”
She squeezed my fingers. “Is that what’s worrying you?”
My chin drops of its own accord, too emotional to describe the shame I feel for my desires.
Sophie shuffles nearer, sitting so close that her thigh rests against mine. It feels nice, reassuring.
“Darling, Lily loves you. All she wants is to see her daddy happy. At three years old, there’s no reason she needs to understand the specifics of your relationship with Carlo.”
The worry lines between her eyes force me to close my lids. But the effort of trying to block her concern out only makes the noises louder.
“If Lily grows up knowing this as normal, then it will be normal to her. And that’s not a bad thing. Children grow up in same-sex or non-traditional families worldwide. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
I lift my chin slowly, eyes meeting hers. Her love is steady, unwavering, pouring out of her like she’s trying to carry this with me.
“But this isn’t about shame,” I murmur. “It’s not that simple. Carlo isn’t just the man I love. He’s—he’s everything I’m trying not to want.”
She strokes her hand over my forearm that’s lying in my lap in a soothing manner.
“Why am I like this?”
“Spencer, your relationship with Carlo is complex. I’ve always known that. It’s not just about sex for you. There’s almost a spiritual connection between you. It’s beautiful.”
I close my eyes, allowing some of my stress to seep out of me.
“You need to let this negativity go and just relax.”
She smiles sympathetically.
Christ, what did I do to find this woman?
“I know you’re right.” I trace my finger over the back of her hand.
“But I’ve always tried to convince myself I was doing it for him.
His folks abandoned him, and he needed affection.
Later, Chess’ death provided another reason but that wasn’t true.
I need him, Sophie. I’m so sorry that I do, and it has no bearing on you at all, but—”
Her longer than usual blink distracts me, but when she opens her eyes to look at me. Her expression shows her relief.
“When I met you, the first few weeks we dated were some of the best of my life. I fell in love with you. My feelings for you were so strong; the last thing I wanted was to lose you. But after that first time Carlo joined us, you lit up. Seeing you like that became addictive.”
She stands, sliding onto my lap. I wrap my arms around her.
How is it possible for her to interpret my need for her so acutely at the perfect moment?
“Do you regret the three of us being together?” she asks.
I bury my nose in her hair, inhaling a deep breath, and smelling her delicious floral scent. The scent of home.
“I’m confused about how I feel about it. After Carlo’s speech last night, which I suspect you heard.”
She nods.
“I felt terrible for involving you with us. It made sense back then.” I stop. “No, that’s a lie. I just wanted to see the two of you together. I knew he wanted you. The longing was in his eyes every time he looked at you.”
Having slumped into me while I’ve been talking, she sits up.
“It was the first time he’d shown any interest in a woman since Chess died. I knew you were also attracted to him.” I grin. “It’s not that I mind you being together, but I don’t want you to be alone together.” I squint up at her. “That’s selfish, isn’t it?”
She rocks her head back and forth and sinks back into my chest.
“Carlo told me at the beginning of your pregnancy you didn’t know if Lily was mine.”
Her entire body tenses in my arms.
“I’m sorry I put you through that.”
She sits back up, peering into my face, her own expression disfigured with a deep frown.
“If I didn’t have these urges, I’d never have introduced Carlo into our bed,” I explain.
“Darling, you can’t take responsibility for all this. Carlo and I are adults; you didn’t manipulate us into having sex together. I loved being with both of you, but when I fell pregnant, and couldn’t be sure who the father was . . .”
Her words get lost, and I wait for her to finish her thought.
“I felt like a slut. It was horrible, and then when I told you about our baby and you immediately told me I couldn’t work anymore. I felt like you were taking away my choice. My independence.”
I nod. “How do you feel now? Would you prefer to work?”
“No. I love being at home with our daughter.”
As she speaks, Sophie cups my cheek, allowing me to read her affection for me in her soft expression.
“In so many ways, Spencer, you’ve been a wonderful husband. I have a fabulous life here. But I miss you.”
“I don’t want to share you with Carlo. It’s fun occasionally, but in the main, if you’ll still have me after everything I’ve done, I want this marriage to be about us.”
She squeezes me closer. For several minutes, we sit just enjoying being together.
“Are you going to stop going to the club?” Her tight but curious voice pierces the comfortable atmosphere.
The way she asks suggests she’s not insisting I give it up. Which surprises me.
“Absolutely, I don’t want that lifestyle anymore.” I respond. “But this isn’t all about me. How do you feel?”
Sophie sighs. “I just want my husband back.” Her voice is pleading.
My gaze darts over her face; this moment is huge.
“I’ll never ask you to end things with Carlo,” Sophie says, voice steady, “but I can’t handle these other women anymore.
Lily and I can’t stay here if this lifestyle continues.
” Her tone is calm, but her words land with the force of an ultimatum.
She pauses, and the tension spikes. I can feel the weight of whatever’s coming next.
“I need to understand why you didn’t tell me about Kalie. She’s beautiful, yes—but you’ve been with beautiful women before. What made her so special?”
“Nothing.” The word snaps out of me but the guilt in my gut twists like a knife. “I didn’t realize it at the time, but I think she reminded me of you.”
Her sharp inhale steals the air from the room.
“But she could never measure up to you,” I push on, my tone weakening.
“Kalie’s willingness to please. Her submission to me, allowed me to feel more masculine.
That alpha dominance got under my skin and it kept my mind from wandering to Carlo.
Until recently, she’d never met him, there was no link to him. ”
Sophie’s arms are folded, her stare pinning me in place. Now I know how Lily feels when her Mum’s reprimanding her for something.
“I suspect there was a time that Kalie became more than just a distraction, Spencer.” Her words are barbed. “It’s the first time in the nine years I’ve known you that you’ve not been brutally honest about the women you’ve spent time with. Were you considering leaving me for her?”
“No. Not for her. For you. I knew my behavior was unacceptable, so, I tried to convince myself that I had to let you go, because you deserve better.” The color in her cheeks fades a little. “But I’d never have married Kalie—I don’t love her, Soph. I never did.”
My hand floats onto her thigh, needing to ground her, pull her back to me.
“If she’s so addictive, can you give her up?”
“Absolutely. I told you last night I didn’t want her touching me—I enjoyed watching her. I’ve only touched her sexually a handful of times in four months. I used her as a diversion, nothing more. Please, don’t elevate her in your mind.”
She nods, but her facial expression stays serious.
I’m tempted to look away, but don’t, somehow retaining eye contact. I wait for her to continue, unsure what else to add. Her resistance is understandable, she needs to learn to trust me again, but only time will show her that she can.
“My concern moving forward is that you can find happiness again. Are you confident that with Carlo and me in your life we would be enough, or will your need for Kalie, or some other woman continue?”
“Yes,” I state without hesitation. “My answer to this will not change simply because you’ve phrased it differently.”
My arms circle her, needing us to be closer.
“Carlo and I need to sort through some stuff, I think we’ll find our way. Though, whatever happens, my life will never be happy without you and Lily.”
A faint smile tugs at the corners of her mouth, it’s the first sign that I’m getting through to her, and the relief allows my mind to wander.
“When I described how we met to Dr. Klein, she told me it was the first time since I’d entered the room that I smiled.”
She buries her face against my neck and groans.
“Oh no, you told her about our professor telling me off for wearing sunglasses in lectures, didn’t you?
” She peers up at me and must catch sight of my grin.
“Ugh, Spencer. Why do you have to tell everyone about the most embarrassing event of my life? I was so out of it that day. I hope I never have to meet your doctor.”
I laugh and notice her smile briefly, but then her expression changes.
My chest hitches, unable to read her and uncertain where she’s going to take the conversation next.
“As long as you’re honest with me, you won’t have to live without Lily and I,” she says, while stroking my cheek softly. “And, if you fancy sharing the odd detail about your nights with Carlo . . . I reckon I could handle that.”
The cheeky lift of her shoulder breaks the tension in an instant. That’s what she does—she saves me, even when it should be me saving her.
My lips ache to touch hers.
“You can kiss me, Spencer,” she murmurs. “I’m yours. I’m only asking that you be mine too.”