Chapter 4 Daisy
On the day I was discharged from the hospital, I walked into the clubhouse.
It was the middle of the day so not many people were around, but Bull had asked to see me.
Janie, his ol’lady, had picked me up from the hospital.
She visited often during the week and even brought clothes for Baby James to wear, so we became friends.
Jim, the prospect who brought me in, sent a little blue toy bunny with “Baby Boy” embroidered on it.
I cried over that. In the end, I didn’t want to go straight home and deal with the possibility of seeing Blaze.
Since Bull wanted to see me, we came directly to the clubhouse.
I knocked on the office door and heard Bull call out before I turned the handle and walked in.
“Hey Daiz, how are you feeling?” he grumbled, gesturing to the seat across from him.
I bit down on the bitterness and emptiness I was feeling, and sat.
“Peachy,” I replied.
He glanced down and nodded. “Janie and I–” He sighed, then looked up at me and shook his head. “She’s probably said this, but I mean it too. I’m sorry. You deserve Baby James alive and in your arms. You deserve to be a mother to a healthy baby. I’m sorry we couldn’t get there sooner.”
The apology and honest acknowledgement of my pain broke something inside me. I fought back the tears, and almost succeeded.
“Thank you for sending Jim. He was a huge support. He did really well being thrown in the deep end,” I replied, swiping away the rogue tear that escaped.
“You’re welcome…I, er, I wanted to talk to you about the funeral.” He shifted uncomfortably in his seat as he spoke. This was rare for Bull to be uncomfortable. He dealt with so much bullshit from the boys in the club that he tended to roll with the punches.
I nodded at him to continue.
“The club would like to organize it, and pay for it.”
I thought about it. I didn’t want to deal with the funeral.
I was too worn out after the birth and the week in the hospital.
They had to keep me in maternity and the crying of the other babies had taken its toll mentally.
Plus, I’d already said goodbye in the hospital just before I left.
I had prints of Baby James’s handprints and footprints to prove it.
I nodded my agreement. “Sure, the club can do that for Blaze—” I bit my tongue on the spiteful words that wanted to follow the mention of his name.
“What else can we help with?” he asked. “Anything at all.”
More tears escaped. It felt like I was crying all the time. But more than that, I was dreading going home to Blaze.
“I don’t want to go home,” I admitted. “I’m tired and done with Blaze.
I want a break from him. I can’t even stand the thought of seeing him now.
” I knew Bull probably couldn’t do anything to help, but I was just venting my frustration.
The men ruled the club, and they stuck together like glue.
But Bull surprised me. He didn’t show any reaction.
He simply opened a drawer and handed me a folder.
I opened it to see a rental agreement and a set of keys.
“Janie needs someone to look after her parents’ place while they’re travelling around. They want someone who is associated with the club enough that we’ll keep an eye on them, but someone who doesn’t look like a club person. It’ll be for six months. Is that enough time to clear your head?”
I nodded, tears still creeping out of my eyes.
“And I’m not planning on telling Blaze where you are.
” Bull winced at his words of betrayal against a club member, then continued with rare honesty, “I never agreed with his concept of fun, especially here at the clubhouse. So I’m giving you space…
but this is all I’m giving you. Six months for you to think about your relationship, and how to fix it.
Then you come back and sort your shit out with Blaze.
Hopefully that’s enough time for Blaze to come to his senses as well. ”
I closed the folder. “Thank you. When do you need me up there?” I was proud of myself for not breaking down any more.
“Whenever you want, head up there,” he told me. “I don’t know how long you have before you’re cleared to drive. But as soon as you’re ready, let me know.” I thanked him and left.
* * *
“Thank you for letting me house-sit,” I said to Janie as I climbed into her truck cabin.
She bit her lip and nodded, then leaned over and pulled open the dash compartment.
Inside was an envelope with money in it and a mobile phone.
The words just in case of escape were written on the envelope.
I looked up at the road as we started driving.
Bull gave me the gift of space, but he insisted I come back. Janie was more realistic. She prepared for the possibility of me not coming back.
I settled back in the seat as she carefully drove us back onto the road.
“I want him cremated,” I said. “They probably don’t make coffins that small anyway. And an urn will be easier to take on the bikes.”
Janie nodded. I saw understanding in her eyes. Not sympathy, but actual understanding. She had also lost babies.
“How many Babies have you had?” I asked
“Five,” she replied. “All before twelve weeks though, so miscarriages, not stillbirths like Baby James.”
“Are you still trying?”
She shook her head and sighed. “My endometriosis has gotten too bad. The doctors say it’s so gummed up in there that nothing will stick now. And the pain is so bad that they’re talking about a hysterectomy….and I’m considering it.”
Wow, she was only 30.
“Perez…I mean Bull and I are talking about adopting.” She glanced at me.
“There are two gorgeous little boys that the social worker wants us to meet again this weekend. They’re beautiful.
Their mom died some months ago in some shootout, and their grandma is getting too old…
I said that she can come and visit often.
She’s lovely too, just very frail and not able to take care of them the way she feels they deserve. ”
I smiled at her obvious excitement. Then I noticed her hesitating.
“What’s the catch?” I asked.
“They’re African American and my parents are not fans of other races,” she admitted delicately, then gushed, “But they’re so perfect. They’re only four and two…and they’ve been through so much!”
“And you already love them, don’t you?” I grinned at her.
“Yes.”
We pulled up behind my car in the driveway. I leaned over and gave her a hug.
“Do it, Janie. Those kids deserve parents like you and Bull. You don’t need racist parents to help you raise your babies. You have a whole damn club who will support you. You attract that energy.” I hopped down with my bag and presents. Her grin lifted me. It felt good to see happiness.
“Thanks for the lift.” I waved at her as she reversed and headed to her house, then I walked inside my own.
I looked around. Nothing had changed. Absolutely nothing. I tossed the last lot of the flowers onto the counter, along with the haul of trinkets that were Blaze’s pathetic attempts to make peace, and Jim’s little bunny. Then I went to the bathroom.
There, I looked at the laundry basket like it contained a bomb. I had to know. I pulled out a pair of pants that I knew he had worn a few days ago. There in the pockets were some condoms, and one empty wrapper. I lifted my head and looked at myself in the mirror.
My mother’s words of comfort rang in my ears. “It’s just his way of dealing with the grief. He doesn’t mean anything by it. They’re just warm bodies.”
Meanwhile, I had been holding a small, cold one for a week. I still felt the hole in my belly where he belonged, and the scar pulling as I moved.
I made my decision. Fuck this waiting around to try and talk to Blaze. I’ve wasted enough words and energy on him. There was nothing left for me in this whole house. Just a painful past. I pulled the suitcases out and started packing, then I called Bull.
“I need to go now, Bull. I’ll change all my doctor appointments to that area, but I need to go now.” I was shaking as I demanded. I thanked the universe that he understood and told me he was sending a prospect. I packed as I waited for him to arrive.
It wasn’t Jim. It was another young kid named Daniel, who was all ears and courtesy.
He didn’t say anything about me being an ol’lady.
He just turned up and helped. Daniel carried the suitcases out to the SUV, then came back and held my elbow as he walked me back out to the car, checking that I had everything I needed.
I only took the things I needed most, including the bunny.
I had even left my old phone behind on the counter so no one could contact me. I had taken some time to forward the photos Jim sent me, and record Bull and Janie’s numbers on my new phone. But they were the only people who had shown up for me, and only me. They were the only people I trusted now.
* * *
After four hours of me and Dan putting on a bad car-singing concert, I was standing in a nice single-story house on a secure housing estate.
It was comfortable, airy, and bright. I walked through the three bedrooms and chose one of the guest rooms to settle into.
Dan rushed to carry my bags in and offered to help unpack. I declined. I’d do it in my own time.
I tried to walk him out to say goodbye, but the young man pretended to take offense and told me to sit down.
Then he made a cup of tea and left a tin of cookies on the counter, only leaving once I promised to call if I needed anything.
The club was in good hands as soon these prospects patched in.
They weren’t as arrogant as the older generation, with the exception of Tinker.
I watched through the window as Dan drove away, feeling the relaxation ease my stress. I drank the tea that he made, had a cookie, then took some clothes into the bathroom to change and let myself finally feel, and think.
I peeled off the pad that was filled with bloody discharge from the birth, and had a shower.
My tummy was still bloated and flabby. I felt angry and relieved at the same time.
Blaze hadn’t shown up for Baby James at his birth, what were the chances of him showing up for the rest of his life if he had survived?
It was probably a lucky dodge for Baby James.
He didn’t have to grow up with Blaze as his father, and as for me…
“Fuck him!” I growled at the blood running down the drain. “I deserve better.” I didn’t want to be an ol’lady. It had never been a goal of mine, even though it was my mother’s proudest achievement. But especially now, I really didn’t want to be that person.
* * *
I spent three months at that house, slowly recovering and developing new routines.
I would go down to the library and distract myself with online courses.
I opened up a new bank account. I sold any jewelry that I had brought with me.
My desire to get out of the club life and never return was solidifying more each day.
I applied for a college scholarship and got accepted. Then, finally I could–and did–completely disappear, leaving the phone on the counter with a thank you note for Bull and Janie, and Dan and Jim. And I began my life properly as a free woman, not attached to anyone or anything.