Chapter 38 Daisy
I sat in the bus shelter, crying. I had no idea what I should be feeling, or why I was being treated like this.
I had a sister, a sibling, someone I could have had a relationship with, except that my mother wouldn’t accept her.
She couldn’t accept her husband’s illegitimate child, yet she pushed me to accept my husband’s child.
My own mother was pushing me to accept what she didn’t.
I chuckled to myself. Those cheap trashy TV shows had nothing on me lately. I had a sister who fucked my husband, and a mother who wanted me to forgive him. My life was screwed.
I heard the roar of a motorbike and stood up. Jim pulled to a stop and unhooked a helmet. I reached for it, and then dropped my hand. Taking it would mean accepting the very thing I wanted to do, but I couldn’t get on the back of his bike. Not yet. We could be seen.
“Anyone who fucking cares is at the wake,” Jim yelled over his bike, understanding my hesitation. He was right.
I took the helmet and pulled off my hat. Jim kicked down the pegs, and I climbed on, stuffing my hat and purse between us. I reached around his belly and held on. His body felt good under my hands, and I partly regretted having my stuff between us.
The wind whipped around us, blowing my skirt up to show my legs, and drying the tears on my face.
I felt Jim move his hand to where I was clasping him, and he gently covered my hands on his belly in a gesture conveying comfort.
The tears ran anew. This man was worth risking exposure for.
He was worth coming back for. He was worth putting up with this town for.
I pressed my face into his back and hid, for reasons other than recognition.
Jim swung down a dirt road and continued carefully until we pulled over into a secluded area.
He held out an arm for me to lean on as I hopped off the bike.
I stood up, removed the helmet, and straightened my dress while he put the stand down and took off his helmet.
I watched his body unfold as he got off his bike and held out his hands.
“Come here, Daisy,” Jim called, and I walked into his arms. He just held me. I didn’t cry anymore. I was where I wanted and needed to be. I buried my face into his body and took a deep breath, filling my lungs with his smell. Fuck the rest of the world.
“What happened? I haven’t seen you this angry since I first met you…actually, even then you weren’t this angry. And you were being betrayed in the worst way possible,” he rumbled.
I sighed. “It’s just another type of betrayal. Dad had an illegitimate daughter,” I replied.
“That girl that you introduced me to?” he guessed.
I nodded, then leaned back in his arms so I could look at his face when I talked. I missed watching him.
I took a deep breath and launched into the story.
“Nineteen years ago, Dad changed for a while. He was home for dinner every night. He would ask Mom for permission to go to the clubhouse before going, if he even went at all. He’d take us places, and we went on special trips every weekend.
I loved it. Those were amazing days. It was like I had a real dad.
If I had spoken today, I would have been telling everyone memories about those days.
But I don’t remember Mom being happy during that time.
She was angry. Then suddenly, one day, she eased off and relaxed, and we went back to normal.
To Dad disappearing after work, then bringing home apology jewelry.
” I paused, realizing something. “Mom stopped crying over the jewelry after that. Instead, she’d happily wear it straight away. ”
“Apology jewelry?” Jim asked, looking confused.
“Yeah, the jewelry that you give your ol’lady when you step out on her,” I explained.
He looked horrified.
I searched his face. “You’ve never heard of it?” I asked.
“Not in those terms. My mother called them suck-it-up diamonds. But then she treated hers like war medals; this is for that time he did this or that while high as a kite,” he said, stepping back. “Let’s go for a walk.”
“I don’t think I’m walking far in these shoes,” I told him, indicating my heels. He turned his back to me and squatted a little.
His smile appeared over his shoulder as he said one word, “Jump.”
I jumped, and he bounced me up to a comfortable spot on his back. This wasn’t that much different to the bike, except that his hands were under my butt, and we walked.
“So, what did your mom do with the suck-it-up diamonds? Did she wear them, or stick them in a drawer, never to be touched again, as a reminder of him stepping out?” I asked Jim. I heard water trickling nearby.
He sighed and shook his head. “My dad didn’t cheat,” he explained.
“He didn’t step out on Mom. He did worse.
He got involved in drugs, methamphetamine mainly.
Every bender, he’d bring back something for her.
It started off as, ‘I’m sorry for being stressed and strung out, please forgive me - it’s the deployment, or the memories, or the stress.
’ Then he got her hooked, and the drugs became something they did together, while I looked after my siblings.
One deployment, she moved on to other stuff, and the jewelry started funding it.
Then—” I felt him stiffen. “One day, she took my brother and sister to school while high. They crashed and burned in a single-car accident while I was at football training. I lost both of my siblings, and she got out, too high to rescue them,” he growled, before shaking it off, literally.
I felt the shudder through my body, and the releasing sigh.
“The diamonds are all gone. Dad’s likely still chasing more deployment, and probably will until he dies in a gunfight in some remote part of the world.
Mom’s in jail, and I’m here with you beside some unknown creek.
I don’t speak to either of them by choice.
I’m right where I want to be, living the life I have, and chasing my own dreams,” He explained as he loosened his hands.
I slid off his back and sank into the dirt. He caught me with one hand.
“I suppose it’s safe enough to take these off.” I laughed, pinned to the ground with my heels.
I reached down and unlatched the strap on one side, then the other, then paused.
“Um, I need to get my pantyhose off,” I mentioned. I didn’t usually wear stockings, so these were the only options I had.
His breath seemed to catch, and then he drew in a deep breath, expanding that chest of his. My breath quickened. He was looking at me in a way that was making me feel giddy again.
“Do you need help?” he hummed. My breath caught.
“Yes, please,” I whispered, sliding my hand up his arm. He shifted to face me and slowly scrunched up my skirt so he could reach the waistband. His eyes never left my face.
He gently separated the pantyhose from my underwear by feel, and tugged it down.
He knelt down when he reached mid-thigh and continued pulling, keeping eye contact with me the whole time.
I was having trouble remembering how to breathe.
There was heat pounding in areas that shouldn’t be throbbing in public.
I lifted one foot, then the other as he freed my toes, his fingers dragging over the soles of my feet before placing them on the soft grass.
“One day,” he promised, “I’m going to finish this properly. I’m going to kiss and worship every inch of skin that you let me touch. One day.” His breath wafted his promise across my legs. I swallowed. Goosebumps shivered across my skin as he looked up at me.
He slowly stood up, tucking the scraps of material into a pocket.
“Now, what were we talking about?” he asked.
I blinked at him. I could barely think over the rush of adrenaline and attraction pounding through me.
“I honestly have no idea,” I admitted.
He stepped closer to me and smoothed the hair behind my head.
“Me neither,” he said, before drifting his lips across mine.
I opened my mouth to the softest lips, and the sweetest taste in the world.
His growl of satisfaction filled me up as he deepened the kiss.
I moaned in response. The world retreated to our heartbeats and our mouths.
I broke it off this time. I couldn’t do it to him. I couldn’t tease Jim and myself like this, knowing that we weren’t free yet to do what we wanted.
“Blaze better give me that damn divorce soon. I want to be with you honestly, not creeping around,” I whispered, stepping back and breathing heavily.
Jim let me ease out of his arms.
“Honestly and openly,” he agreed. “Although honestly, how could he give you up, or even step out on you?”
“He wanted what he wanted and thought he deserved it,” I replied.
I’d done quite a bit of thinking about that in the first three months of my escape.
“I don’t think it was actually a reflection on me, or how he felt about me, or the club lifestyle.
It was always him and his own desires. He didn’t have to think about anyone else, so he didn’t.
Dad was the same, until he got old and sick.
And then he was stuck with Mom, and learned to appreciate what he had. ”
Jim walked to the water’s edge and started taking his own boots and socks off to dangle his feet in the water.
“Blaze talked a lot today about how much he admires Matchstick. Do you think that he may have wanted to be like him?” he asked.
I sat next to Jim and leaned into him. The closeness would have to do for now.
“Yes, to a certain extent. Blaze lived Dad’s dreams. In some ways, Blaze was able to do the things that Dad couldn’t.”
“Like screw young girls?” Disgust laced through Jim’s voice.
“Careful, you’ll lose your credentials in the club. Don’t Brothers have to stick together against the rest of the world?” I jokingly warned.
He snorted. “I can be honest with you. I’ve seen the secrets you keep. You won’t be telling anyone,” he replied.
I smiled, relaxing. Then I kept talking, “Dad always wanted to be a firefighter. He just wasn’t fit enough.
No matter what he did, he didn’t make the cut.
Blaze was barely out of school and got into the training crew first go.
That’s when Dad really pushed me to him.
” I pulled a blade of grass out from the plant and started shredding it.
“He yelled at me when I first said no to dating Blaze. Then he and Blaze went off on rides together. Tinker, for some reason, hated my Dad, but he loved me, and I loved him and Maisey. I think part of me married Blaze because I’d get Tinker as a Dad, and I hoped that once we were married, Tinker’s views on women would appear.
” I sighed. “That didn’t work out how I imagined it.
Blaze turned out to be more Dad than Tinker. ”
“How does your half sister fit in?” Jim asked.
“Remember how I said that about nineteen years ago, Dad changed? It was more Mom. She didn’t let him get away with the shit he’d been doing. She was angry all the time. Then, one day she wasn’t…and he went back to doing everything again.” I drew a breath. “Amber is nineteen.”
Jim drew a sharp breath. I think he got the connection.
I continued on with my rambling explanation.
“I always wanted a sibling growing up, someone to share the expectations with. Specifically a sister. Ideally one who would take on Blaze if I didn’t want him, or found someone better.
But it never happened, or so I thought.”
I didn’t notice the tears running down my cheek, but Jim did. He reached over and wiped them away as I kept talking.
“For nineteen years, I could have had that. And I understand why Mom didn’t want her around…
It’s like Dylan. Amber is Mom’s husband’s illegitimate child, and she is the biggest kick to the face that Mom could have endured.
But—” I rubbed my chest, feeling the pain etch anew into my heart.
“If Mom is allowed to refuse to acknowledge Amber, and keep her away from us completely, to deny us all a relationship, then why is she pushing Dylan onto me? Why is she demanding to be his grandparent? He’s my husband’s illegitimate son.
Why don’t I get the option of rejecting him? I’m sure Amber was a gorgeous kid too.”
“I don’t know, My Queen.” Jim put his arm around me and held me gently, but firmly.
“Why must I be perfect all the time? I’m not.
I’m not going to be able to live like Mom did.
It’s a horrible life, and I don’t want it.
Why is she pushing me to live her life? Why is she punishing me?
Why did she hate me so much?” I turned my face into his shoulder and cried. He held me and kissed my forehead.
“You deserve better, My Queen.” He sighed. “I promise I will give you so much better when you allow me.”
I tilted my head back. “Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I living by their rules, Jim? Shouldn’t I be able to love who I want openly? Shouldn’t I be able to claim you now?” I whined.
He lifted his head and gazed down at me with a serious look.
“You can do whatever you want. I will follow your lead. When you want to claim me as yours, you do it. I will deal with the repercussions.”
“What would they be?” I asked.
He gave a growl-laced sigh and rolled me onto his lap. “Don’t worry about them. I will deal with it. You’re worth anything they could do to me,” he told me.
I stared at his face, my eyes searching for answers. I wanted him, but I didn’t want him to be hurt by the club because of me.
He squeezed me gently. “I’ve waited for you for four years already, Daisy.
I can wait a while longer. I’ll always be here for you,” he grumbled.
“You’re my ol’lady whether anyone else knows it or not.
And I have not, and will not step out on you.
So don’t be expecting jewelry, because you’re getting none from me.
I’m not going to do anything to deserve that. ”
I closed my eyes to stop my heart bursting. This man. This man is my all. And I’m going to claim him when I’m clear to do it.