Chapter 42 Daisy
I had to pull over. It was getting too dangerous. I couldn’t see through the tears. I couldn’t stop the sobbing. Mom’s words were bouncing around in my head, destroying me. Not only did she dismiss me as nothing to my Dad because I was female, but what she said about BJ.
I couldn’t breathe.
I didn’t kill him. I didn’t kill my sweet, little, innocent baby.
I tried to keep him alive. I called for help.
I begged for help. Bull and Jim were the only ones who answered my call.
It broke me so hard that he was born dead.
It broke me over and over again holding him stiff and cold, gazing at his closed eyes, wondering if they would have been yellow or blue.
I couldn’t stop myself. It broke me when I had to leave him in that hospital.
I held him, prayed for miracles, cried myself to sleep holding my empty belly and watching my blood flow down the shower drain afterwards. Waking in the middle of the night with imagined kicks. I still missed him. I still look at children that would be the same age as him and think what if.
I hated Mom. I hated her. Living in her dream world and secretly despising me.
Blaming me for BJ’s death. I did the best I could.
She didn’t even visit me in the hospital.
If I thought I hated her yesterday, that was nothing.
I despised the rotten miserable hag. I was done with her.
Our relationship was dead. She could die alone with no one as far as I cared. She was dead to me. Dead, dead, dead.