Chapter Thirteen - Rachel #2
My eyes flit to the mirror as the exit comes into view, and the truck is only one car away.
“They’re close, Ryder.”
“I know, baby, but you’re almost to the ramp, okay? You can do this, Rebel.”
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I don’t miss how he calls me baby and Rebel with the kind of ease that suggests it’s a habit, but I don’t have the time or energy to process that right now.
“As you’re swerving to the exit, I want you to see if you can catch any part of their plate information.”
“Okay.”
The exit comes, and it’s a miracle that I’m able to jerk the steering wheel, sending my car across three lanes without another car getting close to hitting us.
“Mom!” Lyla squeals from the backseat, and my eyes catch her panicked gaze and enough of the truck’s position to know they’re locked in by a semi, unable to make the same maneuver as me.
“You got this, Rebel,” Ryder says in my ear as the left tires graze the grass and make it onto the ramp.
“I-I didn’t get the plates. I couldn’t—”
“That’s okay.” His voice is soft, gentle, and exactly what I need to hear right now. “Take a left, then go straight for a few miles.”
“Okay,” I confirm and look to Lyla, who still regards me with wild eyes. “Sorry, sweetie. I didn’t mean to scare you. Everything is okay.”
Lyla stares for another second before putting her headphones back on and focusing on her movie.
Ryder stays on the phone with me, though he doesn’t talk unless he’s giving me directions. I’m so flustered that I don’t even ask him where we’re going. I just focus on pulling air into my lungs and driving safely.
“You’re going to ruin your joints,” Ryder says after a moment.
“Huh?”
“That’s the third time I’ve heard you crack your knuckles.”
“I’m not sure there’s evidence proving that,” I say, and Ryder’s breathless chuckle does a lot more to relax my tense muscles than it should.
“Take the next right.”
“It’s gated off,” I say, but at that moment, the gates slide open. I don’t question him again and turn down the gravel path.
When I pull into what seems to be some sort of aircraft storage, I realize Ryder’s brought me to the Sacramento base.
He’s standing at the end of the road, and I waste no time parking and flinging my seatbelt off. By the time he rounds the car to my door, I’ve thrown it open and fallen into his arms.
I have no idea what comes over me, but I start shaking, barely recognizing the feeling of my own body trembling. Ryder doesn’t start an interrogation like I expect him to. Instead, he places both arms firmly around my body and crushes me to him.
I hear Lyla’s voice from the car, and Ryder shifts forward to reach the driver’s door and lower the window so he can see her. He begins to talk to Lyla as if all is well with the world. Asking how martial arts was, what she learned, and how much fun she had.
The entire time, he doesn’t ease his hold on me and even rubs his thumb across my skin.
It’s the same gesture he repeated in the martial arts studio when we went for Lyla’s trial, and, like then, I force myself to focus on the feeling of his skin touching mine as I take deep, steadying breaths.
When Lyla starts her movie again, Ryder moves so his mouth is right next to my ear.
“Are you okay?”
I’m not, but I can’t bring myself to admit that weakness out loud—as if he hasn’t guessed it from how I’m still shuddering in his hold.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, surprising me enough that I pull away just enough to look at him.
I’m grateful that he doesn’t ease his hold on me.
“I thought—if I pushed you to confront your fears about the factory—you’d be too angry with me to dwell over what happened.
I could see how you started to fall back into those memories.
All I wanted to do was get you out of them. ”
That’s why he was such an asshole?
It’s a ridiculous notion based on twisted, manipulative logic.
But it worked.
I went inside, called Elli to rant, and busied myself with extra work that Mrs. Caster didn’t need to be done for another week.
I didn’t waste an hour staring into space, playing that day on a loop.
I didn’t drown in my own helplessness. I didn’t obsess over Lyla like she could disappear any second.
Most importantly, I didn’t lock myself in the office with my toxic vice.
But the fear that he saved me from then is now dragging me into the abyss of hopelessness with a ferocity I can’t overpower in my current state.
How did it feel? Ryder had asked me.
It feels worse than I can put into words, and I’m done with it.
Ryder must take my silence to mean I’m still mad at him because he goes on.
“Not everyone knows what it’s like to have everything they live for threatened right before their eyes.
Those of us who do are never the same. We don’t live the same, see the same, or even breathe the same.
So, I can’t train you the same either. You know what it’s like to need to survive, and as horrible as that place in the back of your mind is, there’s a power there that gives you strength that could save your life. But I shouldn’t have pushed you—”
“You’re right,” I say, and he stares down at me with an unreadable expression. “I can’t stand how helpless I felt just now.” I take a deep breath. “I want to train with you. I want to know how to protect myself and Lyla. I want my confidence back.”
His eyebrows pull together, and I know this isn’t what he’d expected.
I didn’t expect it either, but it feels like I don’t have a choice anymore.
My life is intertwined with Ryder’s, and whether he’s the reason I was followed today doesn’t change the fact that I can’t guarantee I’ll live a life without needing to protect myself.
“Okay,” he says with a nod. “We’ll start tomorrow.”