Chapter Seventeen
Chloe
It’s been a month since my passionate kiss with Mason. A full month since we nearly consumed each other. I’ve had plenty of time to realize I made a mistake, ample time to choose the kind of person I want to be and the sort of life I want to live. I walk into the offices feeling stronger.
If I miss a morning workout, I don’t do another night one. I may be stronger, but I’m also not going to test my limits. It’s more difficult to resist temptation when darkness falls. Maybe it’s a different pull in the air, less oxygen, the alure of the moon, the magnetic fields, or maybe it’s exhaustion. Who knows? I know better than to tempt fate, though.
The last time I saw Mason, I couldn’t read the expression in his eyes. But I’m well aware he’s able to read mine. For the briefest moment I saw disappointment flash in his eyes, and it almost made me feel guilty. I had to remind myself I was doing nothing wrong by not being with him. It would be wrong if I caved to my desires and took what isn’t mine to take.
Things haven’t gotten better with Paul. He makes excuses for why he’s gone so much, and they seem believable, but I’m starting to truly wonder if he’s having that affair I’ve been suspicious about. Am I holding myself back when I don’t need to? We really should end our relationship, but it seems neither one of us is strong enough to take that final necessary step. A part of me wants to think he’s off with some woman so I won’t feel as guilty as I do.
I don’t ask if he’s cheating, not because I fear a lie, but because, if I can’t trust what my boyfriend says to me, our relationship truly is over. I’m not ready to admit that. Why am I not ready? I honestly can’t tell you.
One day melts into the next, and the burdens I carry begin to lift. Mason’s out of office more than he’s here. I always know when he’s in the building. His presence is impossible to miss. I swear the very air changes with his existence. He’s a man the world revolves around. It must be so different for him than for ordinary people like me. What would it be like knowing all sets of eyes are on you when you walk into a room? I can’t imagine it’s a pleasant feeling.
It wouldn’t take long for a person to be consumed by Mason, to lose every single piece of themselves while he continues to grow stronger. I don’t need that in my life . . . or I try to convince myself I don’t. The sad truth is that I still dream about him. I don’t know when it will end.
Does Mason realize I’m on the line about what to do with my relationship at home? Paul and I still don’t make love very often, but we share meals, and tell each other how our days went. It’s all so... so... Leave it to Beaver, maybe.
Every day I look in the mirror and feel better about myself. My sexual frustration does incredible things for my body. I gaze in the mirror and see two perfect lines on my stomach, see where my hips jut out in a nice curve. That inch I wanted to lose on my thighs is gone, and my calves have shape, making me feel like a million bucks in a pair of heels.
Even with these changes, Paul isn’t interested in lovemaking. I’m beginning to think it really isn’t about me. Yes, we do it sometimes, and yes, he kisses me nearly daily, but it’s that awful obligatory kiss, not a passionate one — not like the one I shared with Mason. That kiss told me exactly how much he wanted me. That kiss made me feel as if was the only woman in the world.
We’ve had one more meeting since the last one, and tonight we’re having another. I’m more confident as I step into the blue room. This time I waited, not wanting to be alone with Mason. I know he won’t push me, won’t do anything to make me feel uncomfortable — at least not on purpose.
The thing is, just being in his presence makes me feel things I don’t want to feel. It’s hard enough to be around him in a crowded room. To be alone with him is nearly impossible. I’ve managed to avoid it for quite some time.
He’s already here when I walk in. As if he can sense me as much as I sense him, his head turns, his eyes grasping onto mine. I still for a moment, lost in the hunger of his gaze. It feels like an eternity, though it can’t be more than a second or two.
I put my head down and make my way to my seat. If anyone witnesses the looks between us they’ll assume something is going on. So far I haven’t heard a single peep about our kiss. I think we got away with it. I don’t know if Mason bribed the security guards, or if no one caught anything, not even on camera. Mason says there are no cameras in the gym to protect everyone’s privacy. There certainly are none in the locker rooms, and, of course, none are in his office, but I still worried about it for days.
The meeting begins and I look at him as he speaks, without appearing as if I’m staring. Everyone looks at him. And while his eyes rest on me often, it’s no more than he looks at the others. There’s an intensity when his eyes meet mine that everyone must see. But no one says anything. Maybe it’s all in my head.
I speak a few times and have to stop myself from fidgeting in my seat when all attention is on me. I speak quietly at first, then gain more confidence in what I say as I see the positive looks on people’s faces. They like my contribution. I feel on top of the world.
“That’s great, Chloe,” Dell, a senior VP, says. I give him a dazzling smile.
“I agree, Dell. Chloe, you’ll come on the Vegas trip with us,” Mason says.
My heart stops for at least two seconds. I worry I’m about to have a heart attack. I look at him, feeling the color wash from my face.
“What?” I ask, the word barely a whisper. Maybe I heard wrong.
“This is your idea, and I think you’ve earned the right to present it,” he tells me.
I gulp. There’s a round of applause. No one seems jealous. More importantly, no one appears as if I’m getting a special favor or there’s some sort of devious objective to accompanying Mason on this trip. Still, I’m scared. Not scared of Mason. I’ll never be afraid of him. I’m scared of what I might do if I go on this trip. If I let my defenses down for even a minute.
“How many people are going?” I ask.
Mason rattles off a list of names. I let out the breath I’ve been holding and slowly feel color return to my cheeks. Half a dozen people are coming along. We won’t be alone. I can handle this. I’ll probably not even see him while there. He doesn’t need to be with his employees while they’re pitching ideas. He’ll be off with the other bigwigs getting wined and dined.
I smile. “Thank you, sir. That sounds wonderful,” I say, actually meaning the words.
The meeting breaks up after that, and Mason calls out to me as people begin leaving the room. It’s nearly midnight. I hadn’t felt the time pass as we sat around the table, ideas flying, excitement brewing. There’s no work tomorrow. He gave us the day off.
As the room empties, I stand at the back of my chair and look longingly at the door. A few people say a couple of more words to Mason, then quickly hightail it from the room. I stay right where I am, gripping the back of the chair with white fingers. I might fall over if I let go.
“Yes, sir?” I finally say when I can speak.
“Sir?” he says with a raised brow. “I sort of like that,” he adds with a glint in his eyes. I glare at him, not amused. I wait to see what he wants.
“You know you’ve earned this trip, right?”
I’m not one hundred percent sure, but from the reactions of the other employees, it seems it hasn’t been given to me because I made out with the boss a month earlier.
“I just had an idea,” I say, hating that I’m so unsure. I want to own my accomplishments. No, I don’t want to make work my entire focus in life, but I appreciate when I do a good job, and I want to work the best I can.
“You had a brilliant idea. This trip has nothing to do with you and me,” he assures me.
I look around the room in panic, my gaze going straight to the door. I listen for a moment, letting out a breath of relief when I hear no one walking nearby.
“Please don’t say things like that in here,” I beg. He smiles.
“Nothing has happened. What are you so worried about?” he asks. Since it’s more than obvious I’m not going to him, he moves from where he stands and comes closer to me. Retreat is the only thing on my mind. But I don’t move.
“We kissed.” My voice is barely audible.
“I’d love to do more of that. All you have to do is say the word,” he tells me. He rests his fingers next to one of my hands that’s clutching the chair. He doesn’t move close enough for us to touch, but he’s close enough for me to feel him. That’s almost worse. Anticipation is real.
“You know it can’t happen,” I say, my voice filled with regret.
“How are things with your boyfriend?” he asks, the last word coming out as almost a taunt.
“They’re wonderful,” I lie, false cheer in my tone. “I feel like a newlywed, if I’m being honest.”
I can’t look him in the eyes. I’ve never been a good liar. It’s a quality some say is a good trait, but in the lives of movers and shakers, it isn’t something I’m happy about.
He doesn’t say anything, and I want to look at him, want to see if he believes what I’m saying. We stand there for an endless amount of time. I finally can’t take it anymore. His hand doesn’t flicker and his body doesn’t move. He’s barely giving me any space. But he doesn’t say a word. I look up.
There’s a tender expression on his face as he gazes at me. He seems to have all of the time in the world — all of the time for me. I don’t know what to do with that, don’t know what to think about it. I suddenly feel close to crying. I haven’t told anyone about my problems with Mason, not even Audrey, who’s my best friend. I haven’t talked to her in quite a while, actually. I haven’t realized how long until right this moment. Has it been six months? Longer? I don’t know. I don’t want to call her, though. She knows me. She’ll know in seconds that something’s wrong. I don’t want her to know how close I’ve been to cheating. She wouldn’t approve.
“Liar,” he says. The word is spoken so softly it takes me a minute to process it, to realize he called me on my BS. My body trembles. I want to look away, and once again, I can’t. He captures my gaze and isn’t letting it go.
He doesn’t move his body, but his fingers shift. Not a lot, only the tiniest bit. His pinkie finger covers mine. It’s a gesture a friend might make, but there’s nothing friendly in the way I feel toward Mason. Red hot lava flows through my system. His pinkie brushes mine and my body tightens. I’m held by his gaze. I’m lost. I’m ready to admit it all to him, to beg him to make me feel wanted — needed — beautiful — appreciated.
“Anytime,” he says, his voice husky, as if he can read my thoughts. Maybe he can. Maybe the need is in my eyes, in my body. He still doesn’t make a move. I’m visibly shaking as I gaze at him.
I don’t know what to do. Am I about to cave? I’ll never know because a loud crash in the hallway is followed by a curse word.
I rip my gaze from Mason and pull my hand free. I don’t say another word as I turn and walk from the room. Dell is picking up a pile of folders as he continues mumbling. He must be in a rush to exit the building, and he walked straight into one of the beautiful plants, knocking it over and dropping everything in his arms.
“You don’t have to help me. I’m sure you want to get out of here,” he says. Though he’s obviously grateful for the assistance.
“It’s no problem. I hope you won’t leave me here doing it on my own when I do the exact same thing,” I say with a laugh.
He smiles at me, a boyish smile that lights his eyes. “Thanks,” he says. “And you can count on it.”
“Why don’t we walk out together? I’ll feel better with company since it’s so late. I’m going to have to take a taxi. The busses aren’t running this late.”
“I have my car. I’ll give you a ride home,” he says.
“That’s okay, Dell. I appreciate it, but it’s late, and I’m sure you need to get home,” I say, not wanting to be a burden.
“I can give you a ride,” Mason says, bending to pick up the last folder. I didn’t realize he’d approached us. That’s a first since I’ve met him. I’m in a panic. I can’t say no to him in front of Dell, and have Dell thinking there’s a reason I don’t want to be alone with Mason.
“Where do you live?” Dell reasonably asks.
“On the West Side, about fifteen minutes from here.” I feel panic in my voice.
“That’s the opposite way for you, boss. I got this,” Dell says. The man doesn’t see Mason’s eyes narrow. I look away, afraid I’ll blush at any minute. I’d gladly smack a big one on Dell right now for saving me.
“If it really is no problem, I’ll accept, Dell,” I say, my voice grateful.
“I insist. Let’s get out of here before the boss gives us more to do.”
I laugh as I fall into step beside him, and we make our way to the elevator. Dell calls out a goodbye to Mason, but I don’t. I hope against hope Mason won’t join us on the ride down. It won’t be quite as bad as the two of us being alone in the elevator, but it will remind me of our first ride together and all of the desire I felt that day.
Dell pushes the button and the doors close with only the two of us in it. I let out a sigh of relief, much louder than I intended. I’m leaving, and there’s no work tomorrow, so I can breathe a little.
“I give out that same sigh sometimes,” Dell says with another laugh.
“Do you ever get grumpy?” I ask. “You always seem to be in such a good mood.”
“What do I have to be grumpy about? I love my job, have a great wife, two monster children, and a family that can sometimes be overwhelming, but I adore them. Yeah, I have off days, but for the most part I like to look at the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow rather than the storm that brought the rainbow in the first place,” he tells me.
“I’ve never heard that before. It’s beautiful,” I say. “I think I’m going to print it and put it on my wall.”
The elevator reaches the underground garage and we walk to his minivan. I smile, and he shrugs as if to say he’s a family man. It makes me smile that much more.
“Go ahead and use it,” he says as he unlocks the car. “Just make sure you write Dell the Master at the bottom.”
“Does your wife call you Dell the Master ?” He laughs again, true joy in his voice.
“Not even on the best of days.” He’s still chuckling as he pulls out onto the nearly empty road. “But I sure as heck call her great.” There’s so much adoration in Dell’s voice I can’t help but feel jealous. I remember when Paul spoke of me that way, when he looked at me like I was the center of his universe.
The evil voice in my head tries telling me Mason looks at me like that. It’s a thought I have no business thinking. Besides, he’s only looking at me that way because I’m not his. The second he wins me as some sort of trophy, he’ll quickly lose interest.
Another woman will come along, and he’ll lose interest in the cat-and-mouse game we’re currently playing. I want to be glad about that, but I’m not. It isn’t as if I’d have to see him romancing the woman. Even if I did, I wouldn’t have the right to feel anything about it.
Dell and I chat on the drive home; it only takes about ten minutes. There’s virtually no traffic. I thank him for the ride and make my way inside. I’m going to make love to my boyfriend whether he wants to or not. I need him to want me. I need him to make me feel special before I do something else to make me feel that way.
I strip off my clothes and walk straight into his office, placing a false smile on my lips. I’m not giving him a chance to say no this time.
“Paul, I’m home.” I turn my voice into a seductive purr.
“Well heeeelllloooo, Chloe,” Tony says, a low whistle in his voice.
I freeze where I stand as Paul turns from his computer, his mouth dropping open before he begins laughing. Tony, his friend, is sitting on the couch with a cold beer, and he isn’t trying to hide the fact that he’s ogling me.
Finally I screech and run from the room. Both Paul and Tony chuckle, and the last thing I hear before I slam the bedroom door is Tony telling Paul he’s a very lucky man. I don’t try to hear my boyfriend’s reply.
Sex is definitely not happening now. I think I have my answers to of whether Paul’s interested in me anymore, because he just saw me naked in front of another man, and his reaction was laughter instead of rushing to cover me up.
I need to move out. I’m just not sure when I’m going to do it. My life’s about to change drastically, and all I have to do now is untie the chain around my neck.