Chapter 18 Josh
JOSH
I find Melanie just outside, leaning against the sun-warmed brick building. She’s taking slow, deliberate breaths and her eyes are closed—like she’s trying to hold herself together. The sunlight catches her red hair, gilding her face in gold.
“What the hell was that?” My voice comes out sharper than I mean it to, but I step in front of her anyway, blocking her escape. “You just ran out of there.”
“I should be asking you the same thing,” Melanie retorts.
“What do you mean?” I scoff, folding my arms across my chest.
“You’ve always loved me?” Her voice cracks, sharp and too loud—like her words burned coming out. Her eyes find mine and when they do, I see that they’re glistening. “Why would you say that? Live on the radio.” She looks away, like she is trying to force away the emotion on her face.
“Because it’s true.” My voice drops, low and rough, laced with pain. I step into her space, bracing my hand on the wall to stay steady. “I have always loved you.” The words scrape my throat, and I tip her chin so her eyes find mine.
Melanie shakes her head. “You don’t even know me anymore, Josh. I don’t know you. I don’t know anything about you. And every time I bring it up, you brush me off or change the subject.”
“So? That doesn’t change anything for me,” I protest. “I never stopped thinking about you. About us.”
Melanie sniffles then and I realize she really is on the verge of tears.
“Josh, you can’t say things like this to me.
The bottom line is, that was then, this is now.
We’re grown adults with baggage and you’re just passing through—you don’t live here.
You might be here now, but you’re a star.
You’re going to go back to your life, and I’m going to go back to mine.
” She meets my gaze. “Don’t say things you don’t mean. ”
“I do mean them Melanie. I’ve always meant it when I say I love you.” I tilt my forehead into hers.
“If that’s true, then I want the whole truth,” she says, her voice quieter this time. “Why are you really back here?” She folds her arms across her chest, looking at me as if trying to see through me.
I didn’t want it to come out like this but she’s leaving me no choice. If I don’t tell her now, I risk her shutting me out for good.
“Fine,” I bite out. “You want the truth? You want the whole fucking picture?” My heart is pounding in my ears. I rake a hand through my hair as if it will stop the avalanche from coming out of me.
“A little over a year ago, I wrapped my truck around a tree. I swerved to avoid hitting a kid on a bike. I wasn’t wasted—but I was over the limit to drive.
I could have killed him. My license was suspended for a year, but that wasn’t the worst of it.
People looked at me differently. The people I thought I could count on pulled away.
I lost everything that mattered to me, everything that made sense. ”
I laugh, bitter and hollow.
“My sister lost her life because some asshole decided to drive drunk and I—I became that asshole.” My throat burns.
I press my fingers to my eyes, but the tears break through anyway.
“I hate myself for it. Some days, it weighs so heavily on me that I can’t breathe.
I thought, what the fuck am I doing with my life?
And I’m here because I don’t know who I am anymore—I feel lost. So, I came back to the last place I remember feeling whole.
Because everything feels broken, and you’re the only thing that’s ever felt like home. Okay? Does that satisfy you?”
I’m mid-breakdown when Melanie’s arms are around me, grounding me like a lifeline. I collapse into her, sobbing, giving into my grief and shame, completely forgetting that we’re outside the radio station in broad daylight.
“Shhh,” she whispers, stroking my back. “It’s okay. I’ve got you. Let’s get you home.”
She leads me to her car and opens my door first. I’m wiping my eyes with the base of my palm and taking deep breaths when she slides into the driver’s side.
“I’m sorry,” I mutter, unable to look at her. “I was going to tell you all of that, but I just—didn’t want you to see me differently. Do you…do you hate me?”
Melanie’s face falls. “Josh,” she breathes. “Hate you?” She cups my face with both hands, like she’s afraid I’ll disappear. “God no. I love you. I have always loved you.” Her words knock the wind out of me.
But as she shifts the car into gear, her eyes fixed on the road, I can’t shake the dull ache that has settled in my chest. It feels like my confession has built a wall instead of tearing one down—as if by admitting the truth, I’ve only pushed her further away.
That despite everything we said, she’s slipping through my fingers.
I can’t help but feel like I’ve already lost her.
* * *
Melanie goes to work, and I lay on her bed, drifting in and out of sleep.
The ceiling fan hums quietly above me, stirring the warm air, but it does nothing to lull me to a deeper sleep.
I should get up and rehearse. Time is wasting away.
But I can’t. I’m pinned here, my body heavy with the weight of an elephant on my chest.
To be honest, I never dealt with my shit properly and now it’s haunting me—clawing its way back in.
Being back here, thinking about Cara and the way she died, it’s bringing up all the feelings of failure I had after my own accident.
I keep thinking about the crash, the headlines—Rising Country Music Star Josh Cote Gets a DUI—ugh. My stomach clenches.
I’m internally berating myself when my phone rings, a shrill sound cutting through the silence. I squint at the screen. A Philadelphia area code.
“Hello,” I grumble, my voice scratchy.
“Josh? It’s Mark. From SoundShift Records.” His voice floats through the line, too casual.
“Hey, Mark. How are you?” I sit up, the room tilting slightly, and force myself to concentrate. I haven’t seen Mark since my DUI, though I’m sure he knows about it. I’m sure Gary told him. I try not to let my embarrassment claw its way to the surface.
“I’m good. Look, I’m in Philly for a few meetings this week. Thought I’d see if we could meet up, chat about what you’re working on.” Mark doesn’t phrase it as a question.
Panic sets in. What am I working on?
I don’t want to be dropped by my label, but I have no idea what I’m doing. All I have done so far is revisit old lyrics and fall back in love with my high school girlfriend. I have absolutely nothing to show for the few weeks that I've been here.
“I’m here until Saturday. You free?”
I blink hard, like that will make everything click.
“When were you thinking?” If I have a few days, I can gather myself and present something to him.
“Is it too late for you to get up here tonight? Otherwise, tomorrow I’m free after two.” Mark’s voice is distant, like he’s scrolling through his calendar. Philadelphia is over an hour from here so that doesn’t leave me much time.
“Tomorrow is probably better.” I drag my hand down my face.
“Great. I’ll touch base in the morning, and we’ll pick a meeting point. And Josh? Bring something to show me,” Mark says, and then he’s gone.
I drop my phone onto the mattress beside me. It lands with a soft thud but the weight of it feels enormous.
Fuck.
* * *
When Melanie gets home from work, I’m still lying in her bed, curled up in the same position she left me in.
“Josh?” she calls from the entryway.
“In here,” I say without moving.
A moment later, Melanie is leaning in the doorway. Her work shirt is rumpled and untucked, her cheeks flushed from the late June air, and her hair is piled on the top of her head. “Whatcha doing?” she asks gently, eying me carefully.
“Nothing at all. I’ve been here since you left,” I mumble, shifting over. I pat the spot next to me. “Want to lie down with me?”
Melanie smiles. “Sure, let me change.” And then she’s lifting her shirt over her head, standing there in her jeans and her bra, completely uninhibited. The late-day sun shines through the window, streaking across her bare skin. Dust motes dance in the light around her.
My breath hitches and she looks my way, her lips twitching.
“It’s nothing you haven’t seen before,” she says softly.
She throws a loose-fitting pale blue T-shirt over her head and unzips her jeans, stepping out of them.
The T-shirt barely covers her ass, and I catch a glimpse of the bare curve of it.
I watch her closely as she rummages through her drawer for a pair of gym shorts.
When she slips them on, I’m disappointed.
She slides into bed next to me and we’re spooning. I tug her closer, and my hand rests on her hip. She sighs long and low, settling into my embrace. I plant a kiss on the crown of her head. The scent of her shampoo—coconut and vanilla maybe—wraps itself around me.
Everything feels right. For a moment. Until she says, “So, do you want to talk about this morning?”
I swallow hard. “Not really. I have other things on my mind.” I tug her close and press a kiss to the side of her neck.
“Josh,” Melanie drags out my name and rolls over to face me.
I roll on my back and drape a forearm over my eyes with a groan. The corner of the ceiling is cracked, and I focus on that instead of the way Melanie is looking at me.
“Don’t you think we should talk about it?” Melanie presses, leaning over me.
“About me loving you?” I shift, stroking her cheek, letting my thumb trace the line of her lip. “What’s there to talk about?”
“Not that—” Melanie says, biting her lip.
“No.” I cut in. “I don’t want to talk about that.” I push up on my elbows. “A rep from my record company called. He’s in Philly and wants me to meet him tomorrow,” I add, my voice sharper than I mean. “I’m supposed to have something to show him.”
“Wow,” Melanie says, brows lifting. “I guess you have to go.”
I nod solemnly. “I do. I don’t know what I’m going to play for him.”
“Play ‘Every Song,’” Melanie suggests without hesitation. “It’s a great song.”
“I can’t play that song without you.” I sigh and run my hands through my hair. “Come with me? Maybe they’ll like the idea of a duet.”
Melanie scrunches her nose, uncertain. “This is your thing, Josh.”
I shake my head, pushing up to my elbows. “No, come on. If this song makes it on the EP, it’s our song. Your name will be on it as a composer.” I take her hands, squeezing them gently. “Please, Mel. I need you there.”
Melanie leans over and pushes me back on the bed. Then she tucks into the crook of my arm and sighs. “You’re lucky I love you so much.”
Then
Last day of school! I can’t wait for tonight. Bonfire on the beach. Can I finally tell Cara you’re my girlfriend?
I’m not sure… I don’t know how she’ll take it.
Come on, Mel. There’s only one way to find out. My feelings for you are getting stronger. I don’t want to hide them all summer.
I know. Me neither. Let me think about it.
I don’t think you understand what I’m trying to tell you, Melanie. I am falling in love with you.
Josh…Wow. I love you too.
So why can’t we tell the world? Or at least the school?
We will. Soon.