CHAPTER 61
I haven’t seen Silas since I gave birth, he has been avoiding me like the plague, even when it comes to seeing his son.
Matitus has always brought our son to see him then brought him back to me.
He hasn’t been sleeping in the room, only in the cold room downstairs.
Even when he and Dragus brought the cot in, he only came in while I was in the shower a nd left before I got out.
It has been a week and I haven’t laid eyes on him.
We get ready for bed, Dragus and Matitus pass out straight away, they have been doing all the night feeds using expressed milk.
So tonight, I decide I will do them, to let them get some sleep.
Not that I got much even when they are doing the feeds, I can’t sleep knowing he is awake, can’t stay asleep when I hear him crying.
Then the worst part is getting up panicked just to check he is still breathing, paranoia keeping me awake, constantly making me check his breathing.
Even if it is just to get up and place a hand on his chest to make sure I can feel it rise and fall, or sometimes waiting to feel his breaths on my finger.
I am exhausted, mentally, physically. Whoever said this was easy was lying.
I don’t know how women have more than one.
One is enough for me, and I have two fathers to help.
Two others to share the load and an absentee one who has me constantly on guard as to why he is hiding from me.
Sleep, oh how I took that shit for granted.
Now I wish I had slept my entire pregnancy away because this small little bundle makes sure we never get any.
We still haven’t picked a name, so for now he is baby.
I have an idea of what I want to call him but not sure if they will like it.
Baby has been asleep for an hour when I finally climb in next to Dragus on the side next to the cradle.
I get maybe an hour when he wakes. I sluggishly roll out of bed, my eyes feeling like sandpaper as I stumble over and grab him from the cot, rocking him in my arms. He surely can’t be hungry; he ate only two hours ago.
I change his bum before wrapping him in his swaddle and rocking him.
He settles for a minute, the moment I try and put him down, he wakes.
I look over to see Dragus awake, tapping Matitus’s chest.
“Your turn,” he says. Matitus also pats the bed beside him.
“Get up,” he mumbles, patting the imaginary person beside him.
I shake my head, deciding to go to study to let them sleep.
I hold onto the railing as I walk, struggling to see the steps in the dark.
When I get to the corridor, I see the fireplace is still burning.
I make my way to the study, and see the fire blazing like someone has just put more wood in.
Sitting on the floor and leaning against the armchair in front of the fireplace, I let my frozen feet warm, while tucking the blanket around him tighter and attempting to breastfeed.
My engorged boobs are nearly bigger than his tiny head, swollen and sore.
He is terrible at latching or maybe I am terrible at getting him to latch.
Unsettled, his cries ring out, At least down here, my mates won’t hear him and they’ll finally be able to get some sleep.
Yawning, I try to get him to calm down enough to breastfeed.
Nothing I do works. He just won’t stop crying, no matter how much I try to get him to latch, even swapping boobs, changing angles, nothing works and he continues to cry.
I try burping him, but nothing. I am at a loss, feeling so in over my head and feeling everything become too much.
My eyes fill with tears as I look down at the tiny baby crying in my arms. Turns out, I wasn’t as prepared as I thought I’d be.
And now, I am responsible for keeping him alive, yet I can’t even feed him.
The one thing mothers are expected to do is produce milk to feed their hungry babies.
Why can’t I do it? So instead, I cried with him in frustration not at him but my failure to be able to do anything to stop his cries.
I rock him back and forth in my arms when I hear Silas behind me.
“You okay?” he asks, making my head snap to him and realizing he is in the room. He looks like he just got out of bed.
“He won’t latch, he won’t stop crying,” I say, making me cry harder as I speak the words.
Silas flops down next to me on the rug also leaning back on the armchair. He holds his arms out wanting to take him. “Your boobs are useless,” I tell him.
“Well let me try then,” he says, kneeling in front of me while I stare at him in shock. Do male Dragons produce milk? I hear him chuckle.
“No, we don’t produce milk,” he says, shaking his head.
Yeah, that is a dumb question, the product of my sleep-deprived state.
I surely would have noticed if they had squirting jugs suddenly.
He reaches down, watching me when he grabs my breast, running my tender sore nipple across the baby’s lips.
Baby opens his mouth, searching for milk.
His mouth opens wide as he turns his face before latching on.
“See I’m not completely useless,” he says while I stare, amazed at a man doing the one thing I should naturally be able to do.
“You can always formula feed,” Silas says.
“I’m meant to be able to do this though,” I tell him, yawning.
“Just because everyone else says so, doesn’t mean it’s right for you. As long as he is fed it doesn’t matter if it’s formula or breast,” he says.
“How?” I ask. His brows furrow and he stands up. He walks over to his desk and returns with a book in hand. A book about lactation.
“Were you hoping to breastfeed?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.
“No, Dragus was reading it, and said you were having trouble getting him to latch.” I nod. Maybe I should read that book. I yawn again.
“You can go to sleep if you want,” he says.
“Umm kind of can’t, I will drop him,” I tell him.
“Scoot forward,” he says, and I shuffle forward while using one arm to hold the baby. Silas moves behind me and I feel his arms go under mine.
“You can lean on me; I will hold him while he feeds, and I can wake you when he finishes,” he says.
“I can see him Elora, I won’t let him smother in boob,” he says, reading my thoughts before I even had a chance to fully conjure them.
I lean against him but don’t fall asleep, just enjoying his warmth and his closeness.
“I won’t take him from you, love, just sleep.”
“Promise?” I ask, when I feel his hand move from underneath mine, his hand cupping his little bum.
“Open your hand,” he says, and I tuck my legs up, letting them support our baby’s bum. I hold my hand out wondering what he is doing while also too tired to conjure up a logical reason.
“Turn it palm up,” he says, and I do what he says when I watch his claws slip out. I pull my hand back wondering what he is doing.
“Just trust me, please.” I turn my hand over. He runs his claw down my palm, slicing it, making me hiss in pain. I watch as he uses his other hand to slice his own. Silas grabs my hand holding it in his bleeding one.
“I, Silas Draquin, promise to never take our son from you. I promise to never hurt you and I promise to be yours for the rest of my life.” he whispers, making me shift to look at him. Our hearts pulse with warmth as our blood mixes, sealing the promise he just made.
“Now if I try, I will only cause myself pain and not you,” he whispers, brushing his nose against mine.
“I didn’t feel pain when I left,” I tell him.
“Yes but you’re not a Dragon. It would have affected you if you stayed gone. For Dragons it’s different,” he says holding out his arm. I can see faint scarring I have never noticed before like tentacles wrapping up his arm barely visible.
“That’s from me?” I ask. He nods, kissing the side of my face. Silas bites his hand and offers it to me.
“You’re still bleeding, and I like this rug,” he says, making me look at my hand which is still bleeding and dripping on the rug and my leg.
I press my lips to his hand, letting his blood flow into my mouth.
Opening my hand I see it has healed. I wipe the remaining blood on my pant leg, getting rid of it.
“Thank you,” I tell him, turning in his arms to sit sideways draping my legs over one of his, our baby neatly tucked in my arms while he suckles.
“Have you thought of any names yet?”
“Yes, one.”
“Are you going to tell me or are we going to call him baby for the rest of his life?” he says with a chuckle.
“You can wait, like Matitus and Dragus. Abbie is getting the forms tomorrow,” I tell him.
“Are you aware I have to sign said forms to register him?”
“You register the births?” I ask confused.
“Yep, always, I have to keep track of how many people live here, though now I found out there were a lot of hidden people like the Fae living here not registering births,” he says with a chuckle.
“Well, you can wait till tomorrow,” I tell him, and he nods.
He kisses my forehead then grips my chin, hesitating to see if I would pull away, when I don’t, he presses his lips to mine soft but firm.
I run my tongue along his lips wanting access.
His lips part as I deepen the kiss, kissing him back when I feel something wet touch my face making me pull back.
“Are you crying?” I ask, and he shakes his head looking down. I know he is, the evidence dripped on my face.
“Liar,” I tell him as he looks down.
“He is asleep,” Silas says, tugging my nipple from his mouth, making a pop sound. I tuck my boob away, then offer him to Silas. Silas pecks my lips and swiftly takes him, placing him on his chest and rubbing his back. I go to get up when he tugs my shoulder.
“Stay, there is plenty of room,” he says, tapping his chest. I put my head on his chest, his arm wrapping around me as he rubs baby’s back, and I close my eyes letting sleep take me.