Chapter 19
CLARA
Clara felt sick as she stood outside of The Cosy Christmas Shop before turning and waving goodbye to Liam, Figgy and Charlie.
He hadn’t said much on the journey here – probably because Charlie was sitting in the back, but she guessed he had questions.
Probably as many as her. She hadn’t heard from Hudson since she’d left a message ending their engagement – hadn’t really expected to hear anything since.
As far as she was concerned, they’d both drawn a line under the relationship.
It was over and that was that. So, why had he just travelled across the Atlantic to see her?
Clara shook her head. She definitely wasn’t going to find that out standing here.
She sucked in a long breath and opened the door, taking comfort from the familiar tinkle of the bell and smell of pine trees and cranberries as she entered the shop.
Eleanor immediately came running from the back and widened her eyes as her budgie, Chirples, flew overhead and landed on the tree.
‘Thanks for getting here so quickly,’ Eleanor said, her voice tense.
‘Hudson’s up in the flat. I made him a coffee, but he didn’t want anything to eat.
He hasn’t even got luggage with him.’ She frowned, her mouth pinching.
She’d looked pale and unhappy since her run-in with Ezra at the committee meeting, but this had made her look even more stressed.
Clara began to head towards the back, her feet leaden.
Then Eleanor put a hand on her arm and she stopped.
‘Be careful, Clara,’ she advised. ‘I know how you probably feel. He’s come all this way.
But don’t let yourself fall into old patterns just because someone has finally decided to offer you a few scraps of affection.
’ Her shoulders straightened and her eyes momentarily darted to the high street in the direction of the bookshop.
‘You deserve so much more. Please remember that. Don’t go chasing after someone who…
’ She sucked in a breath. ‘Has no idea how wonderful you are. It’s better to be alone than with the wrong person. ’
Clara tried to ignore the emotion balling in her throat.
She didn’t want to be with Hudson, but didn’t want to face him either.
She had no idea what he was going to say.
Was he going to blame her for what had happened; make her feel like she was making a mistake?
‘I know.’ She blinked, feeling a heavy weight fill her chest. Then she took in a long breath and headed for the door. It was time to talk to her ex.
Clara found Hudson sitting on the long red sofa in Eleanor’s lounge.
She’d called out as she’d walked up the stairs and through the hallway but he hadn’t responded, so it had taken her a few minutes to track him down.
When she did find him, he was scrolling through his mobile and there was a half-empty mug sitting on the coffee table in front of him along with a plate of mince pies and brownies that he hadn’t touched.
‘Clara,’ he said, rising as soon as she walked in.
She saw his eyes flicker momentarily over her jeans and his wide jaw tightened, but he didn’t comment.
He’d never been keen on casual clothes, had felt they gave the wrong impression.
Which was why he’d clearly travelled across the Atlantic in an Armani suit and starched blue shirt which barely showed a crease.
He looked just the same, handsome and unruffled. She’d expected to feel the old thump in her chest, for her heartbeat to accelerate and her body to show some sign that she was excited to see him. Instead, she felt numb.
‘Hudson.’ Clara stayed by the door and folded her arms.
‘I’m sorry,’ Hudson suddenly said, looking awkward.
Clara stared. ‘I’m not sure I’ve heard you say that before,’ she marvelled. She studied him. He didn’t look sick, but he did look pale. Pale enough to elicit a flicker of sympathy. ‘Is everything okay?’
‘No.’ He shook his head, his eyes glittering.
‘You should know I kissed Abigail, it wasn’t her that kissed me.
I shouldn’t have lied or made you feel like it was your fault.
’ His voice was uneven. ‘I was embarrassed about what I’d done and didn’t want to hurt you.
’ He took a step forward, his shiny shoes flattening Eleanor’s red rug.
He looked so out of place – far too slick and urbane.
It was obvious he was uncomfortable out of his natural environment, which just highlighted how different they were because she loved it here.
‘I was stressed,’ he said, taking another step. ‘So worried about the business. I’m sure if you think about it, you’ll understand.’ He paused as if expecting her to agree and Clara found herself nodding. ‘You were busy, well, we all were but—’
She started to speak and he held up a palm signalling that he wanted her to stay silent. Clara did as she was told, although a part of her hated herself. But her habits were ingrained. She might be changing, but it was easy to fall back into old patterns.
‘That’s not an excuse. I know what I did was wrong. I just…’ Hudson’s chest heaved and for the first time Clara thought she could see real emotion cross his face. She was momentarily lost for words. This wasn’t what she’d been expecting. Hudson was always so articulate. Maybe he really cared?
‘It was a mistake. I knew that straight away,’ he said.
‘Then when you disappeared without a word, I couldn’t admit to it.
I thought if I told you it was Abigail who kissed me…
’ He stopped, looking sheepish. ‘It was the wrong thing to do. I spoke to your mother, and I can see that now. I need you to come back, Clara. Abigail’s not right for me. ’ His eyes flashed.
‘She isn’t?’ Clara asked. The words a balm to her damaged pride.
He shook his head. ‘She’s far too opinionated and wants everything her own way.
’ His mouth tensed. ‘I’ve had more cross words with her since you came to the Cotswolds than you and I have had in all the time we’ve had together.
She doesn’t even make a decent cup of coffee. ’ He huffed. ‘You and me, we just fit.’
‘Do we?’ Clara asked. Or was it more that she was easy and always did everything he asked? How often had they argued? Never. Because she’d always agreed with him – had worked so hard to please and keep the peace. But she’d lost herself in the process.
He nodded. ‘I need someone like you,’ he implored, his eyes shiny pools of black.
‘Everything’s so much more difficult without you there.
The office is disorganised. Nobody can work with our data like you.
' He gave her a half smile. One that would have had her melting a few weeks ago, but didn’t touch her now.
‘Nobody wants to eat what I eat, or listen to the same music as me. Nobody listens to what I say without interrupting – my world feels like it’s falling apart. ’
Clara felt sick. All Hudson’s words just confirmed everything she’d realised since arriving in Hollythorpe.
That he didn’t love her – he just loved how easy she was and how much she’d moulded herself around his needs.
Then again, hadn’t she spent her life doing exactly that to prove she was good enough, to ensure she was loved? ‘Look, I’m—’
‘Your mother told me it might take you a while to come around,’ he said, his eyes filled with understanding. ‘We talked at length.’
‘You did?’ Clara checked. Her mother hadn’t contacted her since they’d spoken at Evergreen House. She shook her head, a little dazed. Hudson had obviously been plotting with her mother and Maeve hadn’t even thought to ask Clara what she wanted. Why was she surprised?
‘We’ve been talking a lot. She said you were confused, but if I came here and talked to you…
’ Hudson sighed and put a hand in his jacket pocket before drawing out her engagement ring.
‘She said I needed to tell you that I want you to have this back.’ He must have read her expression because he flushed.
‘I’m not expecting you to wear it now. Unless you want to.
’ He looked at her expectantly, but Clara didn’t reach for it.
‘I just thought…’ He reluctantly put the ring on the coffee table.
‘If I brought it here, you’d have it when you changed your mind. ’
He watched as Clara digested what he’d said. Not if you change your mind, when. Hudson was so like her mother, so sure he knew she’d do exactly what he expected. But why wouldn’t he? She’d always done it in the past.
‘Don’t you want to put the ring on now?’ Disappointment flooded Hudson’s face when she didn’t move.
‘I wanted to show you that you matter to me, Clara. I wanted to explain I know I was in the wrong.’ He nodded.
‘I don’t usually admit to my mistakes, so I hope you’ll give me some credit for doing it now. ’
Clara sighed. Nobody had come after her before, or begged for forgiveness.
It was both flattering and confusing. Her mother’s voice filled her mind, telling her she should grab what Hudson was offering.
That she’d never get an offer like this from anyone else.
Liam had made no promises, but this wasn’t about him.
It was about her and what she needed, which was to be loved for who she was.
‘Look, Hudson…’ She stared at the ring, at the way it sparkled – it was beautiful, but all she could think about was the saying about fool’s gold.
‘I don’t want you to decide anything right now,’ he said before she could say more.
‘I really think I should.’ She had to tell him they were over.
‘No!’ Hudson took another step forward until their feet were almost touching. Clara looked up into the face she thought she’d loved. Into those cool blue eyes as he stared down at her. He looked miserable, but she couldn’t worry about that.
She deserved better. Liam had said as much, and she’d started to believe him. She drew in a long breath. ‘I don’t think you and I are such a good idea.’