Chapter 31
CHAPTER 31
O nce home, Matthew was keen to prove we were capable of a sex life, but I felt too guilty to take advantage of his new-found libido. I massaged his back and neck, and he was asleep within minutes. Meanwhile, I was wide awake.
Graeme! Technically, if I’m to be honest, I kissed him as much as he kissed me. I lunged for him in the pub as all those horrible insecure feelings of loneliness and unattractiveness bubbled to the surface. I’d felt especially alone because it was my birthday and Matthew was away. But that’s no excuse. It’s pathetic to think after a few wines I could be swept along and end up kissing and groping him in the back seat of my car.
Or was it a taxi?
Where had that memory sprung from? What car? When? Oh God, was it so much worse than I’d first thought?
I climbed out of bed and began pacing, walking from room to room, picking up toys, dog biscuits, sweeping up rabbit droppings – anything to avoid going back to bed and thinking about the inevitable: Sarah’s book, and the Graeme/car combo desperate to dance back into my head. For some reason, I’d been in the back seat of a car with Graeme, and we were… well, I can’t ex actly remember what we were doing. Suddenly, I was very worried…
In the study, I turned on the computer. It had been three days since I’d checked my emails. There were thirty-four new messages. Without reading them, I deleted twenty-eight dubious ones. The rest were from friends. One was from Matthew.
Katie, hi gorgeous. Sorry I’m away for your birthday. I love you so much. I hate leaving you. It’s tough, I know it’s not easy on you either. Sorry I blew it about Lexi’s hair. You couldn’t have done anything to stop her. She’s a teenager and not always going to behave the way we want her to. Looking forward to spending the whole weekend with you – hope it’s not booked out with social engagements. Love you, hon. xx
I stared at Matthew’s email, tears running down my cheeks, feeling like the biggest arse ever. I closed the laptop.
Back in bed, I wriggled over to Matthew and snuggled up to him. He didn’t respond. Sound asleep. But his warmth felt lovely.
The next thing I knew it was morning and Matthew was walking into the bedroom holding a cup of tea for me. He sat down on the edge of the bed. ‘I hate it when we fight. I know you’re upset, and I haven’t been around much lately, but I do love you.’
‘I read your email, Matt. I am a cold-hearted bitch. I’m sorry.’
‘You’re not cold-hearted.’ He leaned over and kissed me. ‘Or a bitch. But we don’t get enough time alone. It’d be nice to have a conversation without being interrupted all the time.’
Matthew kissed me again. ‘I think’ – the landline started ringing – ‘Just a sec.’ He picked it up. ‘Hello… yep.’ He passed the phone to me. ‘Pip.’
‘Hi, Mum.’
‘Don’t hi Mum me, Katie. Your behaviour the other night was appalling. I expected an apology from you yesterday. ’
‘I was in shock. I’m still in shock. I can’t believe you’re going through with this.’
‘Is it so wrong of me to want to marry your father again? Is it? You’re breaking my heart.’
I tried to imagine myself in the same position, if Matthew and I were to reunite, years after our divorce. Would I marry Matthew again? Would he marry me?
‘Let it go,’ Matthew said to me later at breakfast. ‘You’re upset, but it’s her life.’
‘Mum was doing well on her own. She has it all: independence, financial freedom; a free spirit living the life she wants.’
‘But she wants Bob.’
‘I get that, Matthew! I just can’t understand it. She has everything she wants already.’
‘Obviously not.’
‘Well, if that’s true then why not live with the man? Why go through the hoopla of a wedding?’
‘It’s not about us. It’s about your parents.’
‘Forget it. You wouldn’t understand.’
‘And you say Lexi doesn’t talk anymore. I wonder where she gets it from.’
‘Has she thought about the fact she’s leaving her perfectly acceptable life behind and starting who knows what kind of life? I hate it. It’ll all end in tears.’ I stifled a cry.
‘It might.’ Matthew’s voice was soft. ‘But then again, maybe it won’t. Who knows?’
‘I do. I’ve lived through their marriage before.’
‘They’re adults,’ Matthew reminded me. ‘They know what they’re doing. ’
‘Do they? Do they really know what they’re doing? I wonder.’
Later as I sorted several loads of dirty washing, I smelled something unfamiliar. It was more than the combination of dirty soccer socks, perspiration and the general unclean smell the clothes basket usually offered. Definitely a fragrance. Not mine. Probably Lexi’s. I pulled out her school shirt and sniffed. No, her shirt smelled of the citrus orange scent Lexi always wore. I piled the clothes into the washing machine and stopped when I reached one of Matthew’s business shirts. Aha! I sniffed and an overwhelming aroma hit me.
Was I was imagining it? No. A flowery scent had definitely attached itself to Matthew’s clothing. Perfume. I recoiled. I took a step back and slumped against the washing machine. I could almost feel my heart breaking as a tsunami of sadness washed over me. I thought about Mum and her feelings of emptiness and despair after Dad left. Then I thought about Matthew and me. Despite making a commitment to love and stay with me forever, if he was involved with another woman, it meant he’d given up.
What was I thinking? I’d kissed Graeme or Graeme had kissed me. Either way, it’s not as if I was a paragon of virtue. Talk about double standards.
Still, when I saw Matthew relaxing in the lounge room with his feet up on the coffee table, eating Pringles and watching cricket, I wanted to destroy him; to rant about the perfume on his shirt, to fling it at him and accuse him of having an affair. But I was being irrational. Instead, I picked a dirty sock up off the floor and threw it at him.
‘Steady.’ He looked up at me, picking up the Pringles that had fallen out of his hand. ‘You want me to do the washing? ’
‘No. I want…’ I want to know whose perfume is on your shirt and ask if you’re having an affair. ‘Nothing.’
‘What’s up? Is this about Pip? I’m guessing it can’t be about me. I never get a look-in.’
‘Matt…’ I couldn’t fight anymore. I had no energy left. ‘Let’s not.’
‘I know, I know. You don’t need me causing trouble as well. I can’t help wondering if you wouldn’t be happier on your own, and that when you talk about Pip losing her independence, you’re really speaking about yourself.’
He paused, then found his voice again. ‘Why do you go to the ends of the earth for others but not for us?’
‘What about you? Purposely cutting yourself off from me so when you leave it will be easier on the family.’
‘You’re not making any sense. Is this about Auckland?’
Auckland! As if! I was kind of hoping it would disappear, like many things in my life: the kiss with Graeme, Sarah’s book, Mum, Robyn… my flabby thighs. ‘My mind’s been on other things.’
‘Always is.’
‘Okay… If you want the truth, I think it’s a stupid idea. There, I’ve thought about it. I’m not going to live in New Zealand, and neither are the children.’
‘That’s it? No discussion? A straight-out no?’
‘Yes, a straight-out no,’ I yelled.
He shook his head. ‘There’s no pleasing you, is there?’
‘Are you getting a divorce?’ Angus had wandered into the room, one hand fiddling with his Nintendo, one hand fiddling with something down the front of his pants.
‘Divorce? We’re having a discussion, Angus.’ I picked up Cleopatra and hugged her close. ‘Grown-ups quarrel sometimes, just like you and Lexi do. ’
‘And on that note…’ Matthew gathered up his Pringles and iPad and vanished.
Surprisingly, we didn’t talk for the remainder of the evening. I had washing to hang, clothes to iron, year three homework to correct, the usual.
Finally, I curled up with Angus and fell asleep listening to The Mapmaker Chronicles . I managed to wake up long enough to crawl into the marital bed around two in the morning. Another weekend closer to Christmas and we still hadn’t put up the tree or decorated the house.