Chapter 39
CHAPTER 39
A fter a horrendous finish to the day, I drove straight to Mum’s to apologise for acting like a six-year-old spoilt brat. I’d assumed the role of dutiful daughter for so long I’d stopped considering her feelings. Maybe I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge Mum was a sexual woman who had desires and fantasies of her own. If they included my father, then so be it.
My marriage? Daughter? That drunken kiss with Graeme? It wasn’t like I was doing a bang-up job with my own life. Who was I to say how she should be living?
‘Mum,’ I said when she opened her front door, ‘I’m sorry. I don’t want to argue with you. It’s just… I always thought you were happy.’
Mum led me inside, we hugged, then sat at the dining-room table. This time minus the cabbage plates. Candelabras were still in position.
‘I am happy,’ she said, ‘but your father’s been missing from my life for too long. I’ve done things in my time I haven’t been proud of. And it’s rare in life you get a second chance, an opportunity to right wrongs. I’m doing that now. ’
‘I don’t understand, but I’m not going to stand in your way. I want you to be happy.’
‘I am, darling. Happier than I’ve been in a long time. Your father loves me very much. Always has. And I love him, too.’
‘That’s all that matters. But if he hurts you again?—’
‘He’s not going to.’
‘I guess you’ve had long enough to find someone else, and you haven’t. So, if you’re really sure…’
‘I am. Now, what about you? You look terrible. Has something happened? Did you tell Matthew about?—’
‘About what?’
‘Your late night last week? Lexi?’
‘No. I feel so guilty about Lex. What if?—’
‘Guilt’s a wasted emotion. There’s no point feeling guilty about the past, you’re only hurting yourself. Besides, Lexi’s okay. Probably won’t go near chillies or orange juice for some time though.’
‘How could I have deserted her when she needed me most?’
‘You weren’t to know what she was about to get up to. Teenagers can be sly.’
Understatement. ‘And she’s been skipping school.’
Mum exhaled. ‘That’s unacceptable. Do you want me to talk to her?’
I shook my head.
‘Lexi’s crying out for your guidance and support.’ She kissed the top of my head. ‘And you? The trick is to learn from our mistakes and move on. We all have to. Kate, you’ll come through this. I know you will. Forgive yourself. Vow to become a better, stronger and wiser person as a result. That’s what life is about. None of us is perfect.’
‘I saw Matthew standing outside a coffee shop with someone… a woman… yesterday. ’
‘With her or beside her? I’m assuming it wasn’t just the two of them on the street?’
I frowned. ‘And I smelled perfume on his shirt last week. I think he’s having an affair.’
‘Goodness, he’s not having an affair. He loves you. Are you sure it’s not wishful thinking on your part?’
‘How could you say that? Of course it’s not. I genuinely think he’s unhappy and is looking for an escape.’
‘And you, Katie?’
‘I don’t know. I’m always checking to see how I feel about my life and my marriage. I’m constantly asking myself, is it good enough? Am I good enough? Is everything as perfect as it can be?’
‘That’s what I mean, love. Listen to yourself – it’s exhausting. You put yourself under so much pressure all the time, it’s not surprising to see you collapsing despite your best efforts not to. There is no perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist. Slow down and start enjoying yourself. All that worrying and fretting isn’t helping.’
‘But everything’s a mess. Lexi’s skipping school. She says I don’t understand and don’t trust her, but how can I when she’s lying to me? She’s out there, desperate to live some kind of adventurous life, a mini-Robyn, and it scares me.’
‘She’s growing up. We all have to at some stage. It’s not easy, but Lexi will grow out of it. You and Robyn did.’
I stared at the candelabras. They were rather stunning.
‘Well, you did, at least. Lexi’s a good girl at heart. You might be in for five years of hell now, but eventually she’ll pull through. You both will.’
‘Lexi thinks I’m the most boring, unexciting?—’
‘All daughters think their mothers are boring and unexciting and have no life to speak of.’
‘Touché. I’m sorry. But Lexi is too…’
‘Young? And I’m too old? ’
‘Mum!’ I cleared my throat. ‘That’s not what I’m saying. I remember being thirteen. The lure of the cool group. Falling out of favour because you weren’t wearing the right brand of jeans. I know being good is boring and being rebellious and naughty is exciting and fun. I get it, but it breaks my heart.’
‘You skipped school too.’
‘Not at thirteen!’
‘Maybe not then, but you did years later. You obsessed over boys, fought with girlfriends. If memory serves, there was a new drama every day. And hey, we survived, didn’t we? Lexi has to find her own way, within reason. You can’t stop her getting into trouble, but you can be there to pick up the pieces when she falls. It’s what mothers do – and daughters, sometimes.’ She sniffed. ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t a better role model for you and Robyn after your father left.’
‘Mum, you’ve always been there for me. That hasn’t changed.’
‘I did the best I could, but?—’
‘But nothing.’
Mum composed herself. ‘Let’s do something to take our minds off our troubles. We need to plan my wedding.’
I smiled. ‘Okay, but please remember apricot is a colour that should only be used to describe a fruit.’
Later that night when I arrived at Robyn’s apartment, she was in tears.
‘I’ve made a terrible mistake.’
I glanced inside the baby’s bedroom. ‘No, the colour looks great.’ Thankfully, Mum had hired a painter. The baby’s room was now the canary yellow Robyn had wanted in the first place.
Downside? Baby clothes were strewn in piles over the bedroom floor and spilled out into the hallway. ‘How about we put these clothes back in the cupboards?’
‘Have you seen my latest Insta?’ Robyn made no attempt to pick up the clothes, instead mesmerised by her phone. ‘Look.’ She thrust the device into my hand.
An image of Robyn beaming and rubbing her swollen belly with one hand and holding a huge can of baby formula in the other stared back at me with the words: If I can’t breastfeed, my baby will still have the very best with Very Breast XX . #verybreastxx #verybreastformulaxx #loveverybreastxx #breastisbest #happybabyhappymum #lovemybaby #babylove
I stopped reading. ‘You’re advertising Very Breast XX?’ My voice was higher than a beach kite. ‘Who took the photo?’
‘Company photo shoot.’ She shook her head. ‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘It does, and we talked about this. You haven’t even given birth.’
Robyn blinked tears. ‘I know, but when I do?—’
‘You have no idea what you’ll do once your baby arrives.’
‘Read the comments,’ she wailed.
I scanned several.
All women can breastfeed.
Too busy with your career to pump?
Invest in a wet nurse. You obvs have the money but not the boobs.
How many babies will die because you don’t want saggy tits? Chill86.
Die, motherfucker, die.
#verybreastxxsucks #verybreastformulaxxisdeath #fuckverybreastxx #fuckyou #wetnurse #formulaispoison #yourepoison #hatingonrealmums #breastforever #breastordeath
Robyn slumped in a chair, sobbing.
Momentarily, I was too stunned to speak .
When I found my voice, I wished I hadn’t. ‘It’s not great.’ Silence. ‘I did warn you.’
‘Shut up. Just shut the fuck up.’ Robyn wiped her nose with her shirtsleeve. ‘I’ve missed several calls from the company.’
My focus sharpened. ‘What were they thinking, getting you to advertise baby formula?’ I shook my head, furious. ‘Not to overstate the obvious?—’
She looked up. ‘Which is?’
‘Jesus, Robyn, there are no guarantees in life, especially when it comes to giving birth to a healthy, might I add, living, baby.’
Robyn’s head collapsed into her open palms. ‘What have I done?’