Chapter 41
CHAPTER 41
S till reeling from the knowledge Sarah Stanthorpe had stolen at least one of my photographs, I arrived at the oval to pick up Angus from soccer training. Eleven filthy little boys, half of whom were shirtless (including my son), were running around the oval screaming.
‘Put your shirt back on,’ I yelled at Angus.
He glanced at me, then ran in the opposite direction towards the bush.
Arnaud approached me. ‘I know what you are thinking.’ He couldn’t possibly have known, but I still blushed. ‘Why has Arnaud let them take their shirts off? I didn’t, but they don’t listen to me when they’re running with the pack.’
‘Angus never listens to me either, so don’t take it personally.’
Too suddenly, Angus was beside me, covered in mud from head to foot and jogging up and down on the spot holding his penis. ‘Mum, I’m busting.’ Several boys looked on, laughing.
He ran to the toilet and by the time I’d found various shirts, school shoes, bags and uneaten scraps of lunch, Angus was back and I hurried four filthy kids into my now filthy car and left.
I delivered the J’s (Jack and Josh) to their respective homes, and when I stopped to let out Tom, Diane called, ‘We’re walking on Friday.’
I drove home to the sound of Angus’s Nintendo buzzing in my ear.
Thinking about Arnaud. Thinking about him walking into the studio and locking the door behind him. He’d lean against the door and look at me, smiling. Daring me to make the next move. And I’d take the bait. Saunter over to him and drag my fingernails around the collar of his shirt. He’d be too startled to say anything.
I’d loosen his shirt, blow softly in his ear, and put my finger to his lips, and say, Shhhh . You don’t want anyone to hear, right?
Breathing more heavily, not really daring to believe what was happening to him, Arnaud would reach for me, pulling my skirt higher, exposing my thighs, and I’d let him. Let him caress my breasts through my sheer blouse.
Kate! I couldn’t be thinking about this now with Angus in the car, in the middle of peak-hour traffic! It was nonsense. I was on a collision course to hell. If I wasn’t careful, my world would come crashing down around me and I’d have no one to blame but myself.
Anyway, what would happen after the first seduction? After Arnaud and I had fucked for forty days straight? Being a man, Arnaud would catch up on some much-needed shut-eye, but what about me? Women liked to analyse…
The thing about affairs or at least the fantasy of affairs, is it’s all about the build-up. The temptation, the flirting, the first kiss, Arnaud’s tongue. But what happened when the fantasy became reality? While the sex might be incredible, new and exciting, eventually we’d still arrive at What’s for dinner? And, Have you seen my other black sock?
Life goes on and on. School, homework, tears and tantrums – those things wouldn’t disappear. Maybe they did in other people’s lives, but I was sure they wouldn’t in mine. Even if I was with Arnaud and his magical tongue.
I blinked, suddenly overwhelmed by guilt and sadness – the guilt I was feeling about having kissed Graeme. And the sadness I felt about Matthew and how our life together had effortlessly careered off course.
‘Lexi, I’m home,’ I called as Angus and I stepped through the front door. I couldn’t face walking in on Lexi and Hunter doing… whatever. The last time I’d seen Hunter, I’d practically thrown him out of the house. I was hoping it wouldn’t come to that this time.
When I entered the kitchen, they were sitting at the bench, Lexi looking a picture of sweet innocence, even with two buttons of her shirt undone.
‘Hi, Hunter, nice to see you again. Have you eaten?’ I said in a pleasant, I-want-to-be-your-friend tone. (Ignoring what I’d seen on his T-shirt two weeks ago.)
‘Mother,’ Lexi said, in the voice of irritation she’d recently adopted. ‘We’re going upstairs.’ Hunter followed her as she strode away.
‘Lexi,’ I called her back. ‘Keep your door open, okay?’
She glared at me and rolled her eyes.
Breathing deeply, I turned my attention to Cleopatra who was jumping at flies. Lexi was home at least, not out in a deserted car park in the back seat of someone’s car – I cringed as the thought crossed my mind.
I was amazed by Lexi’s confidence in herself and her future, whatever it might hold. Notwithstanding my ongoing dramas with her, I had to admit I was envious of her youth, her I-don’t- give-a-shit attitude and her blossoming sexuality. Not that I’d ever admit that to her. Or Matthew.
It’s not that I wished to be a teenager again and relive all those adolescent torments and raging hormones. I didn’t. But Lexi was on the brink of an amazing adventure; her whole life was ahead of her, there for the taking. Lexi would make plans, chart her own destiny and barrel head first into her future.
And her mother? No doubt Lexi saw me as a meddlesome middle-aged woman living a tedious, conventional life in the suburbs. No wonder she rebelled. Rebelled against the predictable boredom of good girlhood and beyond… everything her mother embodied. If only she knew I was dying to break free as well.
Still, I was conveniently overlooking the honour I had of being a parent. Not only a parent, but one who was living a comfortable life with healthy children. While I might not have anticipated the enormity of parenthood, the responsibility I accepted the moment I decided to proceed with my pregnancy hadn’t completely eluded me.
Motherhood was a privilege, but so was pursuing my dream. Photography. I had to make it work. Me, a housewife, living in suburbia?
Yep! So what? Onward and upward. I could do it.