Chapter 50
CHAPTER 50
O n the drive to hospital, after I rang Matthew, I kept going over what I’d said to Lexi when I’d dropped her off that morning. I love you. Stay at school all day. Promise?
This week had been relatively calm. She was well on her way to catching up with her assignments, and I had faith she’d move up to the next grade in the new year. Last night, Matthew, Lexi, Angus and I had spent two hours after dinner doing normal family activities including decorating the Christmas tree and hanging fairy lights.
Barely an hour ago, she’d waved me away without a backward glance.
We’ve called an ambulance. Mrs Westley’s words rang in my ears.
My nightmares were getting worse. The worst being something terrible would happen to Lexi and I’d be powerless to stop it. Powerless to help her. Save her. Keep her from harm. It was my job to protect her. I’d failed two weeks ago… and I’d failed again this morning.
As a teenager, I said things to my mother like:
You don’t understand. It’s not like in the old days, times have changed.
I hate you. I wish you were dead.
I hate myself. I wish I was dead.
Stop worrying about me. I’m fine. I don’t need you to protect me.
I’m fine. Funnily enough these were the very same words Lexi said to me. On a regular basis. And I knew how untrue they were.
Fine!
She wasn’t fine and neither was I.
Hours later, Lexi lay in a hospital bed with her arm in plaster. Her body was a mass of bruises, scratches and cuts, the most severe covered in bandages.
‘What happened?’ I asked after the sedatives had worn off.
She looked at me, then her father and finally turned away, closing her eyes. ‘You wouldn’t understand.’
‘Please, Lexi.’ I stroked her hair. ‘Try me.’
‘Do you really want to know, Mum?’
I nodded. But did I really? Was I ready for what my daughter was about to tell me?
Some things in life are certain. Like there’ll always be a mountain of dirty clothes to be cleaned even though you did three loads yesterday and the washing basket was empty this morning.
But some things were more puzzling. I wasn’t prepared for Lexi’s need to grow up so quickly. She was still a young child, at least in my eyes. She was thirteen. Logically, I shouldn’t have been mystified. I’d lived through being that age. And yes, there was barely sunshine.
Lexi had changed so much in the last six months she was almost unrecognisable to me. I wiped my tears. Seeing her lying in a hospital bed, distressed and shattered, broke me.
‘What were you doing up a tree?’ I asked gently.
‘Spying on Hunter.’
‘How?’ My voice became a little more strained. ‘You were both at school.’
‘He was talking to Susie outside the school gates. I needed to get a closer look.’
‘I’ll go and find us some coffee.’ Matthew bent down, kissed Lexi’s forehead and walked out of the room and into the corridor, hesitating before turning left towards the nurses’ station.
Focusing, I asked, ‘Why were you spying on them?’
‘God, Mum, because I was. All right?’ Lexi was crying. ‘I knew you wouldn’t understand.’
‘Lex, all I know is you fell three metres from a tree, and now have concussion and a badly broken arm. ‘Why were you spying on Hunter?’
‘He dumped me, okay.’ Lexi’s sobs became louder. ‘Now all my friends are going to dump me. I’ll be deleted from Facebook, TikTok, Snapchat. Removed from everyone’s “top friends” list.’ She gulped in a lungful of air. ‘I’ve probably already been replaced. All because I don’t have Hunter anymore.’
My darling girl. I closed my eyes for a moment. ‘Sweetheart, I’m so sorry to hear that. I really am.’ I stroked her hair some more. ‘How can I make things better?’
‘You can’t. Everyone’s making fun of me. I’m worthless, a nobody. My life’s over.’
‘Don’t say that. ’
‘Why? It’s the truth.’ She turned her head away. ‘I knew you wouldn’t understand.’
‘I do, Lex. We’ll get through this together.’ I was trying to be positive even as I imagined her being endlessly bullied and then cast aside by her so-called friends. ‘Thank goodness it’s only your arm that’s broken. It could have been much worse.’
‘How?’ She turned to face me, her voice cool. ‘How could it have been worse? Now I have no friends. I wish I was dead.’
I tried to gather my words, to say something that would reach and resonate with how she was feeling. ‘Lexi, I remember?—’
‘Please don’t. You’re old. You have no idea.’
I bit my lip. Thinking. ‘Yes, I’m old,’ I said slowly, ‘and I have no idea how you’re feeling.’ I breathed deeply. ‘I hate seeing you like this, Lex. I love you, darling.’ An overwhelming urge to wrap Lexi in my arms and never let her go, struck me. ‘I’ll help you get through this. We’ll do it together. Trust me.’
‘Why?’ Her voice was pure venom. ‘Why would I trust you? I don’t need you telling me what to do anymore. You hate me, too!’
As the tired, confused mother of a teenage daughter, I wanted to tell Lexi I did understand her. Times hadn’t changed so much. I worried about her. That would never change. Even if she became a mother herself, I’d sit up late at night worrying about her. Lexi’s happiness would always be uppermost in my mind. I didn’t want her shutting me out of her life. I’d always love Lexi more than she could ever know. And if she ever had her own child, she’d understand. But how to explain that? I couldn’t. It was impossible.
‘I don’t hate you. I love you.’
‘Go away and leave me alone. This is absolutely the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.’
I nodded and held her good hand. Yes, it probably was the worst thing that had happened to Lexi in her short life. What I found so sad was she didn’t realise this was only the beginning. Mum was right. There’d be many more times like this ahead for Lexi. Her journey had only begun.
Still, I held her hand so tightly that she cried out. ‘Mum!’
‘Sorry.’ Reluctantly, I eased my hold, and caught my breath as I blinked away more tears. I wanted her to feel that closeness between us. For Lexi to come back to me. Trust me. Feel secure in my arms once again.
She wiped her eyes with tissues. ‘It’s okay. I’m fine.’
She wasn’t. She’d said it to make both of us feel better.
Once more, Lexi was the calm but jaded teenager who insisted everything was okay.
Fine!
‘Everything will be brighter in the morning,’ I assured Lexi after we’d arrived home and I’d helped her into her pyjamas, pumped her full of medicine and tucked her into bed. Even though it was only four in the afternoon, the excellent drugs the doctor had given her had taken effect. He’d told us she’d probably sleep for the next eighteen hours, waking only for toilet breaks and pain relief every four to five hours.
‘It won’t. My life’s over.’ Lexi’s bravado slumped as exhaustion took over. ‘And, Mum,’ she said, sniffling, ‘I lost my retainer. It fell out when I hit the ground.’
‘Shh, it’s okay. Don’t worry about that now. Guess how much I love you?’ I said, referring to the title of her favourite childhood book.
‘Dunno. Not much.’
‘This much.’ I stretched out my arms as wide as they would go. ‘I love you right up to the moon, darling.’ I kissed her forehead before she turned away. I hesitated a moment and walked towards her door.
‘Mum,’ she said in a tiny voice, ‘I love you to the moon as well.’
‘And back,’ I croaked, rushing back into her room and squeezing her tight.
‘My arm!’