Chapter 60
CHAPTER 60
F reud once said only unsatisfied people had fantasies, but fantasies were what kept me going during those wakeful hours between two and four o’clock in the morning when struggling with thoughts of inadequacy and despair.
I rang Diane.
‘None of us need to apologise for our fantasies,’ Diane said, voice steady and reasonable. ‘As long as they remain just that. There’s a huge difference between fantasy and reality. Are you talking about Arnaud?’
‘I guess, but I don’t want him in the real world. I don’t think I ever did… well, maybe a little. He was a diversion. Who I really want is Matthew.’ But it’s so easy to get distracted – and then, bang! One little indiscretion. Well, it can destroy a marriage like it had destroyed Mum’s and no doubt would also destroy Fern’s. I didn’t want it to happen to me.
‘So how are things?’ I asked.
‘Not so good. We’re not splitting up, at least I don’t think so, but now he’s talking about going to his parents’ home for Christmas Day. ’
‘Just David and the boys?’
‘No, all of us.’
‘Perfect! Barbecue, beach cricket, sun, sand and surf.’
‘Not quite. They’re traditional. So even though it will be thirty-five degrees in the shade, they always have a turkey roast for lunch?—’
‘I’m not really a fan of turkey. Dry, somewhat tasteless.’
‘Exactly. And indoors! Stuffy and cramped.’
‘Could David convince them for a more relaxed lunch this year? You could volunteer to bring the prawns and beer?’
‘Doubtful. Now spill.’
‘Working those few weeks at Delicious Bites made me realise I need to continue with my photography professionally. I’m not giving it up again. There’s so much more I plan to do with my life. So, wearing my new push-up bra, I’m going to embrace the new era, brush up on my photography and computer skills and rent myself a studio.’
‘Good,’ Diane said. ‘I’m thinking of embracing the new world as well and going back to uni to study child psychology.’
‘Really?’
‘Well, if you can’t beat ’em… I can start in February. Tomorrow morning, you know the drill.’
‘You do know it’s summer and stifling hot by seven am?’
‘Ah, so you want to start walking at four in the morning?’
‘Forget I said anything. We’ll stick to the plan.’
Diane was right. February was just around the corner. We just had to make it through another few weeks. By then, Mum and Dad would have settled into domestic bliss, Robyn’s baby would be almost a month old and Lexi’s arm and bruises will have healed. And I hoped I’d be ensconced in my new studio.
I don’t know how long I was standing staring into space before Lexi tapped me on the shoulder. ‘Earth to Mum. What are you doing?’
‘Thinking. How are you feeling?’
She shrugged. ‘Feeling better now that school’s finished for the year. And I’m excited for Nanna and Pop’s wedding.’
‘Speaking of which, I need your help.’
We walked inside, and Lexi followed me to the linen closet where I pulled out several ancient albums. Photos of Robyn and me when we were kids – in the snow, the beach, celebrating birthdays. All with Mum and Dad smiling in the background, adoring us. There must have been times, lots of them, when we fought, but looking at these snaps you’d never guess.
I sat down on the sofa, Lexi beside me.
‘Will you help me put together a slideshow to play at Nanna and Pop’s wedding?’
She grinned. ‘Too easy.’
‘I never imagined I’d be sitting here as a forty-year-old woman and my beautiful daughter would be a bridesmaid at my own parents’ wedding.’
‘Guess not.’
‘Funny how things turn out. I always thought Nanna and Pop would be together forever. That nothing could break them up.’
‘Yeah, I thought I’d be with Hunter forever.’
‘I had a boyfriend when I was a little older than you’ – sixteen, actually – ‘and I thought we’d be together forever as well.’
‘Really? You had another boyfriend? Besides Dad? What happened?’
‘He dumped me.’
‘No wonder!’ Lexi pointed to a photo of me in my school uniform. Hair parted in the middle with two long mousy-brown plaits covering my ears. White socks pulled up past my knees. ‘Tragic, Mum. Look at your hair!’
‘His name was Brett. I wish I could see him again. Show him my beautiful kids and the life he missed out on.’
‘You don’t mean that, do you? What about Dad?’
‘Well, if I’d stayed with Brett, he’d be your father. You’d be none the wiser.’
‘But you were still at school.’
‘Yes, but I was in love. At least I thought I was.’
Looking and laughing, we flipped through pages of photos.
‘Mum, I don’t think I can be thirteen anymore. I’m over it. I want to move straight to being an adult.’
‘Why? All that responsibility… having to find a career.’
‘It’s gotta be easier.’ Lexi took a deep breath. ‘Friends, school, exams, boyfriends, it’s so hard.’
‘I know, Lex. And I don’t think it’ll get easier – but you’re going to have wonderful times as well. Really great times with friends and boyfriends. Even school can be a lot of fun.’
‘Then why do I feel so sad and lonely, and angry with you?’
‘Because, as much as I don’t like to admit it, you’re growing up. You’re trying to find your place in the world and where you fit in.’
‘Mum, please don’t get mushy.’
I sighed. ‘How’s your arm?’
‘Sore… If I tell you something, will you promise not to freak out?’
I had to answer quickly or lose the moment. ‘I promise I won’t freak out.’ Inside, I was freaking out, and she hadn’t even said anything.
‘You’re not gonna like it.’
‘Try me.’
‘Hunter broke up with me because…’
I was going to faint .
‘I wouldn’t blow him.’
Oh God. I was freaking out big time. I couldn’t breathe. When I was younger, oral sex was part of my fantasy agenda, not something you did after knowing a guy for ten minutes.
‘Did you hear me? I said?—’
I put my hand up to silence her and took a deep breath. I knew that boy was up to no good when I first met him and saw the pornographic T-shirt he was wearing. I was right. I am a perceptive mother. ‘I heard you, sweetheart.’ Wait till I get my hands on him. Imagine what Matthew would say. He’d die. He’d fall down dead in front of me.
‘I wouldn’t join in party games like rainbow kissing… you know what rainbow kissing is, don’t you?’
‘Yes.’ Diane had filled me in. ‘How do you feel now?’
‘Kind of relieved. He doesn’t love me like he said he did, or he wouldn’t have hooked up with Susie so quickly. The boob pics. Probable sex in trees.’
I hugged her. ‘I thought you were joking about sex in trees.’
She glared at me. ‘You’re so old. Anyway, I am going to do all those things.’
‘What? We all do boob pics, but sex in trees?’
‘I don’t mean all that stuff. I just mean, I’m curious. And what do you mean boob pics?’
‘Well—’
She held up her hand. ‘Ugh. Please don’t.’
I didn’t know whether to cuddle or smack her.
I hugged her. ‘When you’re twenty-five, I’m sure you’ll be ready for a proper boyfriend.’
Lexi rolled her eyes.
‘Seriously, thanks for telling me, Lex.’
‘You’re not angry?’
‘Why would I be angry? You’re smart and you’ll do what feels right for you. Although you are only thirteen?— ’
‘And a half.’
‘And a half. You know, you can talk to me about anything. Maybe I won’t always agree with you, but I trust you and I’ll always love you and try to listen to your side.’
‘Even when you’re furious, like when I cut off my hair?’
‘Don’t push it.’
‘You know on your birthday, when I had friends over?’
‘The vodka, orange and chilli night?’
‘It was really stupid. I couldn’t even taste the vodka.’
‘Yes, it was stupid and incredibly dangerous – you could have ended up in hospital having your stomach pumped, or worse.’
‘I’m sorry. It was the first time. So many girls drink cruisers, I thought it would be fun.’
Good grief! There was a vast difference between drinking a full glass of vodka with a dash of orange and drinking a Bacardi Breezer, but I kept quiet. I didn’t want to encourage her experimentation. It would happen soon enough without my prompting.
Even so, I made a mental note to check her phone photos from time to time, and I wondered when, if ever, I’d be able to tell Matthew about this conversation. I was having enough trouble digesting it myself. I’d run it by Diane first.
‘We all do silly things, Lex, even parents and grandparents. But the key is to learn from them, move forward and try not to repeat the same mistakes.’ (Yes, Oracle. It would be nice if I could take some of my own mother’s advice now and then.)
Robyn turned up with her own stack of albums a couple of hours later.
‘I’m really scared, Kate. I’m going to be a shitty mother.’
‘We all think we’re going to be shitty mothers. I still think I’m a shitty parent, but you learn as you go along. You’ll see. The first thirteen and a half years are the hardest.’
‘I guess I won’t be going trekking in Nepal.’
‘Not for some time, no.’
‘Or painting in Umbria.’
‘No.’
‘Galapagos Islands?’
‘Doubtful.’
‘I’m going to have this baby, aren’t I?’
‘Yep, very soon I’d say.’
‘And then I’ll be a mother.’
‘You sure will.’
‘Promise you’ll be there for me?’
‘Always.’
‘I hate my bloody hair… and this stupid nose ring is just… stupid.’
‘Your hair will grow back. And the nose ring is… fine.’
‘You think?’
‘Yeah.’ I wrapped my arms around her. ‘Now, enough about you, Lexi’s waiting for your round of photos to add to the slideshow.’
Twenty minutes later, Lexi tore into the room. ‘What are you two doing? Nanna’s hysterical.’
‘What?’
‘Mum, get a grip. You never have your phone when it’s really important.’
Robyn smirked.
‘I’m not happy with you either, Robyn.’
‘Lexi—
She waved her phone in front of me. ‘Nanna!’
I grabbed it. ‘Mum?’
She could hardly speak. ‘I didn’t book the caterers.’
‘What? ’
‘You heard. I didn’t book?—’
‘Shit.’
Robyn winced. ‘My baby.’
‘Shush.’ I glared at Robyn. ‘Not you, Mum. I’ll deal with it.’
A minute later, I was on the phone to Dana. ‘It’s not going to be pretty,’ she said. ‘Glazed ham; prawns and sausages on the barbecue; mango, avocado and lobster salad.’
I laughed. ‘Champagne and beer.’
‘Ha-ha. If only all our Christmases and weddings could be this idyllic.’