Chapter 9 #2
She relaxed, and he dropped his hand. “You have always seemed tense whenever your time in the military is mentioned. I do not wish to make you revisit memories you would rather forget.”
“I can never get away from the memories. They will haunt me for the rest of my life, whether I speak of them or not.”
Stepping close, she wrapped her hand around his elbow, and they walked again in silence, Prudence having out distanced them by several lengths. Instead of being uncomfortable with the quiet, it soothed his aching mind, her closeness providing a soft place for the hard memories to land.
“I went to war because I was angry with my father.”
“About what?”
“You know, I do not rightly remember the exact reason. It was more a group of irritations that made me want to defy him in a way that would hurt him as much as I had been. At the time, he had shown interest in a young widow in our parish, and I, not wanting to let go of my mother’s memory, made my grievances known.
And while I would like to think my reasons were justified, they were paltry compared to my father’s reasons for the union.
That was just one of many upsets, though.
I wanted him to invest in high gains ventures, but he wanted to play it safe.
I tried to convince him to let me go on a grand tour, but he insisted the mainland was not safe enough.
I wanted to join the military to change the world and bring glory and honor to England.
He forbade me from doing so, saying I could change the world one honest deal at a time. I did not believe him, so I left.”
Miss Prudence stopped when they reached the stables, petting his stallion, Apollo, when he nuzzled at her hand—no doubt looking for a treat. Alan did not want what he had to say to be overheard, so he pulled Grace to a stop and faced her.
Her hand fell away from his arm and she tipped her head, the picture of patience as she waited for him to speak.
Alan looked away, unable to face the confession head on. “He was right, you know. War changes few things in the world for good, but food baskets to a starving family, jobs for those who need them, and an honest and well-run estate can change the fortunes of many.”
“But wherever there are bad men, there must be good to rise up against them,” she said.
“Yes, but in the heat of war, the lines get blurred. I have seen decent men become savages. I will not burden you with the atrocities, but they are enough to make a grown man cry.”
And he had, many times. More than once, he’d wondered what his life would be like if he had simply listened to his father. There would be much less regret, that was certain. And perhaps if he had not gone, Harvey would still be alive.
Thoughts of his best friend made him fall back.
They had run off together; Alan having convinced him it would be the greatest lark they would ever experience.
It had not been hard. Harvey had always wanted to be a soldier, but he had planned to buy in like any other sensible gentleman would have done.
Grace’s brow lowered, and she wrapped her arms about herself. “Perhaps we should leave off this subject. I can see how much it distresses you.”
He shifted his weight, placing his hands behind his back. “You have always been quite perceptive, Miss Lenning. I believe you are right. Besides, you have only caught one snowflake on this adventure.”
Her answering smile reaffirmed the decision to end the unfortunate discussion had been correct.
“Which means I am one snowflake ahead of you.” Her cheeky remark caught him off guard as she opened her mouth to catch another. It floated past her mouth, but she was not deterred.
“Is that a challenge?”
“It is, Your Lordship.”
He raised his eyebrows at her use of the honorific, and she laughed.
“You know I am quite competitive,” he taunted.
“I am counting on it.” She quickly leaned to the side and caught a big flake on her tongue, while another landed on her eyelash. She blinked rapidly, and the white ice disappeared. “That’s two.”
He shuffled around until he also caught one and then asked, “Who will keep track of how many we catch?”
“We are operating on a policy of honesty. I will honestly say how many I have caught if you will do the same.”
“And if I do not?”
She stopped, mirth twinkling in her eyes. “Are you so desperate to win that you would stoop to dishonesty? You are not intimidated by being bested by a woman, are you?”
She caught two more before he could even answer, the wind being in her favor. He spun and faced the same direction. When she opened her mouth to catch another, he gently nudged her out of the way with his shoulder, and the flake landed on his tongue.
“Excuse me.” She giggled.
“Oh, by all means.” He stepped aside again, but when she opened her mouth to catch another, he grabbed her about the shoulders and spun her to face the other direction.
Her giggles turned into peals of laughter as they pushed and shoved each other to get the better position.
They would have had much more success had they stepped apart and found their own catching places, but it was far more entertaining to keep the other from gaining another snowflake.
Grace jumped to the side and caught a flake, cheering in triumph.
Not willing to let her win go unrequited, Alan wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her away from her next target.
Unfortunately, he misjudged the solidness of his footing, and for the second time in only a few days, they were sprawled on the ground in the snow.
Laying side by side, their laughter echoed off the trees.
Snow crunched and soon Miss Prudence was standing over them. “And Mama scolds me for being impetuous.” She waggled her finger, and they laughed even harder.
Miss Prudence’s face blossomed into a full smile and she plopped herself down on the other side of her sister. “We should make snow angels.” She laid back and swept her arms up and down.
It was a childish pursuit, but the idea of being able to return to a time when life was not so hard appealed to Alan. However, Grace lay far too close for him to move his limbs without striking her.
She raised her arms, testing the space. Her fingertips grazed his side. The frissons of awareness at her touch made him bolt upright. Their position had been entirely inappropriate, and yet he could not bring himself to regret how they’d come to be that way.
“Thank you.” She swiped her arms up and down, the space where he’d once lain filling with her snowy wings.
He looked at the imprint, so similar to the way it felt to have her in his life.
It was like touching the wings of an angel, but only with his shadow.
He’d never be permitted to have such a beautiful, wholesome creature for himself.
Not unless he wanted to taint her by association.
And he could never do that to his Grace.