Chapter 20
Something cracked inside of Alan and a sob tore from his chest. He tried to call it back the moment it was out, but it was too late. He pulled his hand out of Grace’s, not wanting her to see him like this.
Men were not supposed to cry. They were supposed to be the strong ones, stoic and silent in their pain.
Before he could move, slender arms slid through his and around his back. Grace burrowed into his chest and clung to him like she feared he might shatter.
Perhaps he would.
Everything inside his head was breaking, letting out a flood of memories.
He replayed himself thanking Harvey for taking his night watch that last time, and before that, going into battle with him by his side.
The memories flashed faster, back through all his days of training, illuminating his actions.
Through running away, through yelling at his father for his lack of dedication to the Crown, through seeing his father’s disappointment at his choices.
Then they came to a crashing halt on the image of his mother, pale in death, his tiny baby brother laid reverently at her side.
That was the beginning. The moment he’d become angry at the world—and his father.
Death had taken the foundation he’d built his life upon and yet he’d blamed his father for it. But it wasn’t his fault. The only crime his father had committed was loving his mother with a fierceness that had lent security to his entire childhood.
He wrapped his arms around Grace’s back and let the aching pain out in great heaving sobs. She didn’t flinch, nor did she shush him. She only held him tighter. His knees trembled and he worried he’d collapse. He loosened his grip and tried to pull away.
She resisted.
“I need to sit.”
She relaxed her grip long enough for him to slide to the floor, his back against the cabinets behind his desk. Then she sunk down beside him, looped an arm through his, and propped her head against his shoulder.
“Why are you still here?” He choked out.
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Because I am a horribly broken man who could be a very real danger to you.”
“Is it on purpose?”
She turned her head to look up at him. He glanced down at her, but their faces were so close he didn’t trust himself to hold eye contact.
“No.” The word came out as a whisper. “That is the problem. If I could control it, I would. I have these dreams. Nightmares, really. I’m back on the battlefield or sneaking around France in search of my friend.
Every time Ratford and Sancerre are getting closer, committing unspeakable horrors as they close in. And then I find Harvey’s body.”
“How horrifying. When did you find his body?”
“I did not, and I don’t think I ever shall. Before Sancerre went to the gallows, he told me he’d tossed my friend in the river after…” He stopped himself. The details were too gruesome to repeat.
Grace gave his arm a little squeeze. “After what?”
He didn’t say. Instead, he drew a line across his throat with his finger.
“Oh my. I am so sorry.” Her warm brown eyes blinked back moisture.
She didn’t even know Harvey and yet her tender, compassionate heart mourned as he knew she would.
“Perhaps that is why the dreams continue,” she said.
“My mama always says we are bound to each other by invisible cords. When there is no longer someone at the end of that cord, we feel at a loss. You never got the chance to say goodbye to ease that helpless feeling. It’s why we often sit with the dead for a night before we bury them…
” Her voice lowered. “It’s why my mother insisted we sit with my father. ”
Alan closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the cabinet. Today was the anniversary of her father’s death. How could he have been so cruel?
She shifted, letting go of his arm. Perhaps she’d finally gained back her good sense and would leave him as she ought. But her hands settled on either side of his face. Slowly, he opened his eyes.
She kneeled beside him, her expression somber. “Stop.”
His brow scrunched. “Stop what?”
“Berating yourself.” Her gaze was just as direct as her command.
“I did not speak of my father for you to castigate yourself. Nor does it do any good for you to continue carrying fault for Harvey’s or your father’s deaths when a hundred circumstances contributed.
But mostly I want you to stop telling yourself all these lies. ”
“I am not a liar, Grace.”
“Not to everyone else, but you tell yourself lies every day.”
He started to shake his head, but she held it remarkably still with her hands.
“Do not dismiss me, Lord Gladsby.” He’d never heard such steel in her voice.
“No matter how much you tell yourself you are a monster, you are not. You are a man of honor and valor. You could have easily blamed Prudence for startling you, but you took full responsibility. In the wake of your father’s death, you rushed home to take care of your sister and family estate.
And I have it on good authority from your sister that you regularly visit Mr. Smith’s mother and father and secured positions for his younger brothers. ”
She relaxed her hold, allowing one of her thumbs to trail along his jaw. He didn’t deserve her touch, but the tingle left in the wake of her soft fingers heightened his awareness and soothed his pain.
“What of my bouts of madness? How will you explain those away?”
The seriousness of her gaze lightened, and a sparkle returned to her eyes. “Are you speaking of the days you avoid everyone, like a troll hiding under his bridge?”
That brought a smile to his lips. “A troll, is it? Do trolls get so nervous they can’t help but reach for their knives at every noise?”
“You tell me. You’re the first troll I’ve come in contact with.” She smirked.
He chuckled. How had she done it? The weight of the world had been ready to crush him and somehow, she’d lifted it with her nimble fingers. Her thumb brushed against his skin again and the hair stood up on the back of his neck. How could such a tiny movement soothe and excite him all at once?
He reined in his desire, knowing he had one more thing to say.
In a far too husky voice, he said, “I struggle to control my fears for days after one of my dreams. I jump at every movement, ready to defend myself. For the last two years, I’ve been terrified I would hurt someone, and today…
I did.” She released his face and he lowered his chin, not wanting to look at her.
Voices filtered in through the open door as someone crossed through the echoing court area below. He couldn’t distinguish the owners, but one was male and the other female. Grace should leave. How would he explain their position on the floor or his red, swollen eyes?
Reaching into his pocket, he extracted a handkerchief and mopped at the moisture on his face.
“And now that it has happened, what are you going to do about it?” she asked.
“I’m going to have Gibbons lock up my knives. If I cannot reach them, then no one else will get hurt. At least that is my hope.”
“That sounds perfectly logical to me, and not at all what a madman would do. Alan, we all have fears we must learn to control. Yours just happen to be stronger than most.”
“But—”
She placed a finger over his lips, giving his mind time to catch up with the fact that she’d used his given name multiple times, just as he’d used hers. The breach of etiquette should have been insulting to both of them. Instead, it felt like the most natural thing in the world.
He relaxed under her touch, and without thinking, kissed the finger against his lips. She pulled it back in surprise and he chastised himself for being the same impulsive boy he’d always been. One moment he’d been pushing her away and the next he’d kissed her. Would he ever think before he acted?
She deserved better than this, and as much as he wanted Grace, he didn’t feel worthy to have her.
Straightening his position, he tried to stand, but two hands landed on his shoulders, holding him down.
“Wait.” Her gaze burrowed into his as she searched his face.
“A highly respected man once told me to be brave.” A tenuous smile pushed through his defenses at the reference to their earlier conversation and she continued.
“As he said, I have a tendency to place the needs of others above my own, to stay quiet when I should speak up.”
Her throat bobbed as she swallowed hard, the words seeming to take every last bit of her courage. If only he could ease the trepidation he saw on her face.
She suddenly released him and sat back on her heels.
“Never mind.” She dropped her gaze to her tightly clasped hands in her lap.
His heart slammed against his ribs. “No, not never mind. You had something to say, and I want to hear it.”
He’d not meant the words to be so forceful, but at least it returned her wondrous gaze to his own. Her chin trembled as her hands fidgeted.
“I need something.” The words came out softly, but he heard the ache in her voice.
“If there is anything I can do, it would be my honor to grant it after all you have done for me.” She shook her head and he frowned.
“It is true. You do more for others than anyone I know and have done more for me than any of my acquaintance. I’d be a terrible friend indeed if I was remiss in fulfilling any wish of yours. ”
He wrapped his hands about hers to stop their agitated movement. Then she said the three words he’d never expected her or anyone to say.
“I need you.”
Grace stilled, waiting for Alan to say something, anything. She’d never laid her heart bare before. It was equal parts terrifying and wonderful. Which feeling would be the victor of the day?
If he rejected her, she’d not only suffer humiliation, but her heart might break into a thousand pieces. Last night, she’d been certain he held her in great esteem, perhaps even loved her. Now she wondered if her heart had run away with her head and she’d only seen what she longed for.
He didn’t move, and she couldn’t stand to look at the shock in his eyes a moment longer. Dropping her gaze, she pulled from his grasp and rose to her feet.
“Forgive me.” She tried to leave, but her skirt caught on something. Frustrated and nearing tears, she looked down. Alan had a white-knuckled grip on her skirts. Slowly, she lifted her gaze to his pleading eyes.
“Stay, Grace. I beg of you.” He shifted to his knees and took hold of her hands. “You cannot make such a bold declaration and then leave without an answer.”
She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Instead, a tear slipped past her defenses.
“I don’t deserve you, Grace, and I’m not certain you know what you are asking for.
I may never overcome the instinct to fight when I am startled, and when I have nightmares, I scream and thrash in my sleep.
Honestly, I fear for your safety.” He let go of her hands and bowed his head as if waiting for a verdict.
She cupped the bottom of his unshaven chin and lifted his head to meet her watery gaze. “Those are risks I am willing to take if it means I will get to love you for the rest of my life.”
He let out a tiny laugh. “My sister said something similar about her own marriage just last week.”
Grace smiled. “She is a wise woman.”
Alan’s smile faded. “Why would you extend such love to someone as unworthy as me?”
Using her other hand, she smoothed back the blond curls that had fallen across his forehead. “You, Alan Hensworth, are not unworthy. I have never met a man who took self-control as seriously as you do. I feel perfectly safe in your hands.”
Those blessed hands of his rose to fit themselves on either side of her waist, sending an unspeakable thrill through her at his silent acceptance.
“I love you, Grace. I think I always have. Since the first time I saw you, you’ve shined a light into the darkness of my life.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, and God knows I am a terribly selfish man for wanting you as my wife, but I could not live with myself knowing I had denied you the only thing you’ve ever requested of me. ”
The tears broke free, streaming down her cheeks in quiet rivulets. Slowly, she dropped to the ground in front of him and he moved his hands to her cheeks, his thumbs wiping away her tears.
“Grace, I would love nothing more than to give myself to you, body and soul, if you would consent to be my wife.”
They were the most beautiful words she’d ever heard in her entire life. Nothing else could satisfy her soul like knowing he loved her.
She tried to answer, but her tears choked her words, so she vigorously nodded her acceptance.
The next thing she knew his lips were on hers, warm and hungry.
Salty tears mixed with the taste of peppermint as she slipped her hands around his waist. The joy in her soul expanded, filling her with the most wondrous exaltation.
Wholeheartedly she returned his kiss, moving her lips in a wondrous dance with his. In that moment, her troubles slipped away. Gone was the ache of wondering whether he could ever return her love and in its place a solid reassurance.
She was wise enough to know it would not be easy, but if he would not stop trying to overcome his fears, she would stop at nothing to be near him.
If it were possible, she would have stayed in that moment, kissing Alan as if there was nothing but the two of them in the entire world, but they could not stay on their knees forever. So when he gentled the kiss, she understood.
Their lips parted, and she snuggled into his chest breathing in the scent of him. A mixture of leather and a hint of pine clung to his clothes.
“I love you, too,” she murmured.
His chest rumbled under her as he chuckled.
“I know. And it’s the most wondrous thing that has ever happened to me.
It fills me with such joy and terrifies me all at once.
I’d never meant to marry. I had every intention of leaving all I had to little George.
But then, like the angel you are, you extended your love and…
well, for lack of a better word, your grace.
If you can see a future with me, I will do my best to fight for a glorious future with you. ”
Sitting back on her heels, she gazed up at him. “And I will fight for you. Perhaps one day you’ll be able to see your own goodness like I do.”
A sniffle at the door brought their conversation to an abrupt halt and Alan rose to his feet, the action throwing her off balance. Quickly, he reached out a hand and righted her before her head banged against the desk.
She tried to look over her shoulder to see who was there, but the edge of the desk obscured her view of the door.
Then she caught sight of pale blue skirts.