Chapter 14
‘Cath, can I call around?’
Her heart gave an involuntary lift. It was Will on the phone, that same evening.
‘Ahm, like now?’ This was unusual, especially after their cooling off.
‘Yeah, if that’s okay?’
It was almost seven o’clock, and Adam had set away in the car back down to Leeds an hour or so ago. That was timely, she mused. It was still a fragile path she and Will were on, after all. And by the tender sound of Will’s voice perhaps a heart-to-heart was imminent.
‘Of course. That’d be lovely.’ Well, she hoped so. Unless this was another road to ‘goodbye’. The thought of that made her feel bruised inside.
After ending the call, she kept herself busy, wiping over the kitchen surfaces which were already clean, and washing some mugs she and Adam had used. She felt jittery, uneasy. Finally, after what must only have been ten minutes, the doorbell rang.
She fluffed her hair with her hands and had just put on some lipstick. Perhaps she should have applied another coat of mascara, but it was too late for that now.
She gathered herself, taking a breath and raising a smile as she opened the door, with a ‘Hi’.
‘Hi.’ His tone was gentle, cautious somehow. His smile warm, at least.
‘Come on in. Tea, coffee? Something stronger?’ Cath offered as she led the way to her kitchen.
‘Ah, a coffee, I think. Thanks.’
‘Everything okay?’ she prompted, as she busied herself with mugs and the cafetiere.
‘Yeah, fine.’ There was an edge to his voice, however.
‘Been a lovely day, again. Nice to see the sun.’ She turned to pleasantries, taking the pressure off for a moment. He wasn’t here just for the coffee; she was certain of that. ‘Adam turned up out of the blue too, this weekend, which has been great.’
‘Ah, great, how is he?’
‘Good. He seems so much better, actually.’
‘That’s really good to hear.’
‘Shall we take these through to the lounge? I’ve got the fire on.’
She and Adam had taken the bistro table back out to the kitchen. The spare chairs were out there now too, so her living room was back in order.
‘Good idea.’
She felt like they were skirting around the real issue as to why he was here. It was unnerving. With the heat from the log burner feeling a little too warm, Cath tried to settle on the sofa but she felt antsy. Will was politely distanced in the armchair.
After a few sips of coffee, Will began, ‘Cath, I’m so sorry I freaked out here the other night. I thought I was ready, to take that step further, you know … but I guess I’m not.’
So, this was what was worrying him.
‘Hey, there’s no pressure. There’s no rush.’ She held his gaze, saw the pain in his eyes. ‘You’ve done nothing wrong, Will. You’ve had – still got so much to deal with, you’re bound to feel conflicted. It’s only natural. We can take our time. We’re in this together.’ At least, she hoped they were.
‘It’s just, everything with Jane …’ he continued, ‘tackling the cancer, clinging on to hope at that point, trying to help her through it, care for her. Then the despair. I’ve seen some things in my time as a firefighter, but argh, seeing the pain she was in towards the end. It still haunts me.’
‘Oh, Will.’ She shifted to the end of the sofa to be nearer him, and reached out to lay a hand over his.
‘I feel so bloody guilty, Cath. It’s like she’s lost everything.
She’s been robbed of our girls, their futures.
And they miss her so goddam much.’ He paused, staring into the flames for a few seconds.
‘And fuck, I don’t know where to go from here.
I don’t want to carry on hurting like this for always, but I think I just might.
Cath, I don’t want to bring you down with me.
We should be happy, having fun, dating, going out and doing normal stuff, just getting on with it.
But I don’t know if I can do that yet. Or if I can be that person you need.
’ His dark-hazel eyes looked so troubled.
Was this Will giving her the chance to duck out?
Or couldn’t he cope with it? Did he not want a relationship at all?
All of that hurt and the pain, so many jumbled up emotions, that he evidently couldn’t tell which way was right anymore.
She knew that feeling all too well. But grief, widowhood, that must be so much harder than coping with betrayal.
At least she could be angry with Trev. Have someone to blame.
The person who’d let her down and turned out to be different than she’d ever imagined.
She knew deep in her heart that this budding relationship with Will was precious to her, if still fragile.
She wanted to help this gorgeous man through this grief.
Not to forget Jane – of course he’d always love his wife; she understood that – just to learn to be kind to himself.
To see that he deserved a life after his loss.
In truth, she wanted to be able to love him, openly, honestly. Was it too soon to tell him that? Was he still hurting too much to hear? Would it frighten him off?
‘Will, I really do care for you.’ She realised she had to choose her words carefully.
‘And we don’t have to make any promises that neither of us are sure, as yet, we’ll be able to keep.
We’re just getting to know each other, after all.
But please, let’s not give up on us – not yet.
’ She gently rubbed his hand as it rested within hers.
‘You’re still grieving, and there’s no right or wrong way to do that.
There’s no time limit. I learned that much when my parents passed – even though at their ages, it was less of a shock.
But you’ve lost your life partner, and all too soon.
You never expected any of this. We can slow things down if you need, of course we can.
But if there’s a way, can we try and face this next step together?
’ She smiled softly into his sad eyes, in a way that said I’m there for you.
But was this all still too soon for Will?
He gently nodded, taking in her words, but didn’t respond, merely releasing a sigh that held a world of sorrow within it.
Maybe, he didn’t have the answer to reply with as yet.
And maybe, she just had to accept that. She got up off the sofa, and went to him, reaching again to take his hand, to then give him a gentle hug, in a gesture of loving support.
He took a slow breath, registering that closeness.
She hoped she had managed to reach beneath his layers of grief, for a moment at least. And she knew instinctively that she couldn’t rush this. He needed time to heal, to grieve of course, and he needed time to learn to love again.