Chapter 9 #3
“Ha! That’s because you’ve never spoken to aught but your papa.
Men like that, the kind who live their lives between the pages of a book, they’ve no notion of life, of what people feel and think.
Not unless they’ve been dust for over a thousand years, at any rate,” she said scathingly.
“Well, I ain’t dust yet, and I’ve lived and loved and lost too.
I’ve made mistakes and regretted them sorely.
If I had the chance to make amends for things I’d done, I’d take ’em, so I tell you,” she said crossly, her gnarled fingers playing with the glittering rings that adorned them.
“But surely, they must have known where my mother was, who she married, that she had a child? They’ve had time enough to seek me out if they wished to make amends,” Meg protested, unsettled by the dowager’s words, by the notion there might be people who wished to claim her as family.
She did not want to pin any expectations upon something that seemed to her a forlorn hope and one doomed to make her miserable.
“Perhaps,” the dowager agreed, nodding. “You may be right.”
Meg nodded, letting out a breath. “Yes, I-I’m sure I am. They have had time enough.”
The dowager said nothing, but she allowed Meg to change the subject. “It’s a long time since you were last here, I think?”
The old lady nodded, a wistful expression flitting across her face.
“Yes, when my grandchildren were young, we always summered here. Especially after Hawkney’s father died, and he became duke, it was a difficult time, but this place—you’ll think me a foolish old lady, I don’t doubt—but there is magic here, Miss Bancroft.
It healed Hawkney, and me too. We were happy here.
Indeed, I believe those were the happiest years of my life. ”
“I don’t think it foolish. I believe I have felt it too. Is that why you came back, for Hawkney?” Meg asked, the words out before she could think better of them. She blanched. “I beg your pardon, that is none of my business and—”
The old lady laughed softly. “Nat said you was a clever chit, and not just book learning. Seems he has the right of it, but he was always a deal sharper than he let on. Yes, I came because my grandson is unhappy, not that he knows it, and because we do nothing but bicker. I hoped to recapture some of that old magic, but as yet, I’ve not found a trace of it.
Still, it is a pleasant place, and I like it here, no matter what Hawkney thinks or says.
There! You have my confession, I pray you know to keep such things to yourself. ”
“Heavens, yes,” Meg replied, stunned that the woman had shown such faith in her. “I would never betray a confidence, not even to Nathaniel. But might I ask something?”
“You can ask,” the dowager replied with a thin smile as she lifted her glass to her lips. “Don’t mean I’ll answer you.”
“Why does everyone treat Nathaniel like he’s a fool?”
The dowager’s eyes glinted, and she looked at Meg with renewed interest. “You care for him,” she observed.
Meg blushed, sitting up straighter. “Well, I should hope so, considering we are engaged.”
“Ah yes, of course, quite natural,” she murmured, looking down into the amber liquid in the crystal glass.
“He could never learn like the others. Struggled to read, writing came hard, sitting down and learning from books, well, he could never manage it. School was a trial. The other boys bullied him for being stupid, and his father was a useless lump and only made matters worse, berating the poor lad every time he came home. Lord, he was a dreadful man. I was never gladder than when he turned up his toes, though old Honeywell would no doubt scold me for saying so.”
“He said he excelled at sports,” Meg offered, her heart aching for Nat. She understood now why he said such things about himself, no doubt pre-empting the insult he suspected was coming.
The dowager’s eyes lit up. “That he did. He won every trophy, every game. No matter what he played, he excelled, and he found his pride then. He discovered he was good with people too, for he’s witty and quick and can make you laugh.
Lord, he’s a devil with a wicked comment.
I never laugh so hard as when Nat’s around.
Not like his cousin, sadly. Not that he was always so, far from it, but Hawkney has his own crosses to bear,” she said with a sigh.
“Might I ask a favour of you, your grace?” Meg asked, wondering how she had the temerity to even consider what she was about to say.
“Go on,” the old lady replied, regarding her with interest.
“Hawkney may be head of this family, but they all listen to you. They respect you. Don’t let them abuse Nat and treat him like he’s a fool when we both know he’s not. He acts like he does not care, and shrugs it off, but—”
The dowager held up her hand. “Save your breath. Nat is a grown man, he’s got his faults, and he’s got his demons, but he ain’t stupid, and he’s no coward either.
All he needs is a bit of confidence in his own abilities, those that don’t involve sports or getting light skirts into his bed.
Oh, don’t look so shocked when you ain’t.
You know what he is as well as I do,” she said impatiently.
“If you want to help him so badly, you bolster his confidence. Remind him he’s not as daft as he likes to pretend and admire him when he does something worthy of admiration. That’ll do it, you mark my words.”
Meg was still reeling from this rather unvarnished advice when the gentlemen came back in, removing any chance for further conversation.
She was uncertain if she was disappointed by that, for the dowager had been remarkably open with her, though why Meg could not imagine.
How would she feel after this charade was over and done when Nat told her Meg had broken off the engagement?
Meg hoped she would not feel too betrayed and would understand that Meg would never breathe a word of what had been said to her.
“You survived, then,” Nat said cheerfully, coming to sit beside her and his grandmother.
“I did,” the dowager said tartly, though she knew full well he’d been addressing Meg.
“No thanks to you. But I tell you now, Nat, you had better marry this girl. You did a good thing, bringing her here. A very good thing. She’ll be the making of you, mark my words, so don’t tarry and get her to the altar before you mess it up.
Now, where is Mabel? I’m done in and I want my bed.
You may stay and chitchat until the cows come home, if you please.
Mabel! Mabel! Yes, dear, I want my bed. Come along, quick-sharp. ”
Meg sat frozen as the put-upon Mabel hurried over and helped the dowager out of her chair with Nat’s assistance and then offered her arm and escorted her out. Nat took his grandmother’s place, sitting down and glancing at Meg.
“Well, that was unexpected,” he said, laughing a little, though Meg thought he looked rather startled. “I thought she’d like you, but—whatever did you say to her?”
“I-I don’t know,” Meg replied weakly, not feeling as if she wished to discuss half the things she’d spoken to the dowager about. “She asked me about my family.”
“And?”
“She said I was selfish not to have contacted my mother’s family.
That they might have regretted being estranged from my mother, and that I ought to offer them the chance to make amends.
Something like that,” she added with a shrug, uncertain what part of the dowager’s conversation had unsettled her the most. It was like conversing with a series of small, unexploded bombs, you never knew which was going to go off or when.
“Well, that’s Gee-Gee. Why use a nutcracker when a sledgehammer does the job?” he said ruefully. “I’m sorry. Are you upset? I shouldn’t blame you.”
Meg shook her head. “No, but I am rather tired, and I don’t think I can face any more questions,” she said, glancing across the room and noticing the duke watching them.
Nat growled under his breath. “Interfering devil. Don’t you worry about Hawkney.
Go on, go up, love. I’ll make your excuses.
Why not have a lie in tomorrow? We’re to call at the vicarage, but other than that, there’s nothing planned.
We can spend the morning in the library if you like and you can read me something boring and obscure. That will cheer you up, won’t it?”
Meg laughed and reached over, covering his hand with her own. She did it naturally, without thinking, too pleased with his generosity to consider how her actions might appear to him. “It would, and you are very thoughtful when I am sure there are a dozen other things you’d much rather be doing.”
Nat’s expression changed, his smile fading away and a look she could not read filling his eyes.
He looked down at her hand and covered it with his own.
Heat seemed to blaze from the place where he held her hand captive, surging along her arm, through her chest, and settling low in her belly where it burned with a strange, liquid heat she had never encountered before.
“Strangely, I can think of nothing I’d like better,” he said, glancing up at her and returning a lop-sided smile. “Night, night, Meg. Sweet dreams.”
He released her hand and Meg got to her feet, though her knees felt decidedly odd.
Hurrying to the door, she turned the handle, about to make good her escape when she felt the need to glance back.
Nat was watching her still. A blush crept up the back of her neck, making her cheeks burn, the heat in her belly intensifying. Disconcerted, she fled.
All the way up the stairs she scolded herself for being a fool, for even daring to imagine for one moment that a handsome, rich and fashionable man like that would choose her when he could have some society beauty, with wit and charm, and a fat dowry, not to mention the experience to navigate this world with ease, experience that she lacked so badly.
As for the dowager, she was just teasing them, not knowing that the whole thing was a sham. It was what people did, wasn’t it, when their friends and relations got engaged? There was always good-natured ribbing about when the happy day would be. It was nothing more than that.
Nothing had changed, she reminded herself. This was a splendid holiday from reality, and she was having a wonderful time. When it was all over, Nat would find her a respectable job as a governess, and they would go their own ways, just as they had arranged, which was exactly what she’d wanted.
Yet as she reached her room to discover Betty as cheerful as ever, her lovely bedroom warm and cosy, and the thought of spending another wonderful day with Nat tomorrow in this magical place, all she wanted to do was cry.