Chapter 10 #2
“I’m not sure. It depends if I have any luck finding a property, I suppose. But, if all goes well, late spring, or the early summer.”
She nodded. “I’ll be working by then, educating bright young minds. I shall use your voyage as an instrument, then I can cover geography and languages and natural history all at once. They’ll be so enthralled they won’t even know they are learning,” she said brightly.
Nat felt the words brewing on his tongue as Meg turned, her smile a little too wide for him to believe in. “Meg?” he began, his heart thudding very hard.
“Now, then. I was going to find something terribly old and boring to read to you,” she said, hurrying away to the shelves and sliding the ladder along the racks. She glanced over her shoulder, sending him a playful look. “Let me see if I can send you to sleep.”
She climbed up and began perusing the shelves, and Nat let out a shaky breath.
Good Lord! That had been close. What had he been thinking?
They hardly knew each other, and he wasn’t about to get married!
That was for the future, when he was ready to settle down.
He had still to do his exploring, and he couldn’t drag a wife around on such a journey, and he didn’t want to.
He did not want a wife. Not yet. That was literally the point of her being here, to avoid getting leg-shackled, and here he was almost ready to offer himself up like a sacrificial lamb. Damned fool.
He sat down again, staring at the illustration of the pear tree, of the fruit cut in half so the seeds were visible.
That was how he felt with Meg, as if she could cut him in two and inspect the little kernels of truth laid bare inside of him.
It was both marvellous and terrifying, and he wondered how on earth he would get through the next few weeks without doing or saying something extraordinarily stupid.
Well, get through it he would. Meg was a wonderful girl, clever and beautiful and kind, and they seemed to get along very well, but they were friends, partners in crime—or at least in subterfuge.
He must ensure she was safe and happy, that much he insisted upon or else he’d not be able to sleep for worrying about her, but once she was settled, well, he’d go off on his travels knowing she was taken care of.
It was a shame she would never see the world, obviously, but she was a girl, and girls simply couldn’t do such things.
A rotten pity, but that was life, and he couldn’t change it.
He certainly would not marry her just so she could see the Mediterranean.
Yet then he remembered her reaction upon seeing the sea for the very first time when they had arrived here and his heart lifted, her surprise and joy so touching he still felt the imprint on his heart.
Nat groaned inwardly. He was doomed.
Meg glanced up at Nat as they walked to the vicarage for tea.
Della and Vinnie walked behind them, chattering good-naturedly with Miss Percy, whom they had invited to join them, but Nat was strangely quiet today.
She wondered if she had offended him somehow, though he seemed thoughtful rather than out of sorts.
He’d been fine when she had met him in the library, and she had been delighted to discover this new side of him, his dreams of creating a garden from discoveries he’d made and seeds and plants he’d collected on his travels.
It showed that there was far more to him than he allowed most people to see, and she had felt a surge of pleasure in knowing that he trusted her enough to allow her to share in his private pleasures.
Ninny! You know exactly what the problem is, she told herself crossly.
Hadn’t she gazed up at him like a besotted schoolgirl when he’d told her about his ideas for a garden, for his intention to travel around collecting exotic fauna?
No wonder he’d looked so ill at ease when she had spouted with such unalloyed excitement about his plans, as if they were anything to do with her!
He must have guessed that her feelings for him were changing almost hourly.
The poor man must feel dreadfully awkward, fearing that he had unwittingly caused her pain.
Lord, did he fear she might hold him to this absurd betrothal?
Surely not! She cringed inwardly at the idea that she might have to reassure him she would never do such a thing.
It was the most appalling situation, and she had no one to blame for it but herself.
For now, she could add a broken heart to her wretched situation when he went off on his adventures and left her behind.
Stop enacting a Cheltenham tragedy when it’s nothing of the kind, she scolded inwardly.
She was not in love with him. After all, they hardly knew each other, though they had spent nearly every moment together since they had left London, and, other than her father, she had never spent such an amount of time with anyone.
She was fond of him, yes, desperately fond, and she liked him very much, and when they parted ways, as they must do, she would miss him dreadfully and would feel bereft, but not forever.
She would likely cry for a few weeks, or months even, and feel very sorry for herself, but she would mend and find pleasure in the new situation he had promised to find her.
Nothing was broken, only a little bruised.
In a little while, she would forget all about her silly infatuation and be able to look back on these few weeks with pleasure.
“Meg? Is everything all right?”
Meg blushed, appalled that he had caught her thinking such things about him, as if he could discern the turn her mind had taken. Foolishness, of course. “Yes, quite all right. I’m looking forward to seeing the reverend again. He was such a jolly soul, and we are to meet his daughter, I think?”
“Apparently so,” he said, smiling at her. “By the way, Grandmama set the date of the ball, did you know? The invitations are going out today. It will be on the twenty-third of December. So, we must get cracking with those dance lessons.”
Meg almost groaned out loud. The idea of learning to waltz with him made her feel hot all over. Though she had never seen it performed, she knew many considered the dance scandalous for the way the man held his partner so close, practically in his arms. However would she survive?
“Is it really necessary?” she asked, aware she sounded rather desperate. “Couldn’t I pretend I’d hurt my ankle?”
He sent her an odd look. “Whyever would you do that?”
“Well, it’s a lot of bother, isn’t it? Learning to dance when I shall likely never have another chance to do so.”
“Don’t say that,” he said, appearing disturbed by the notion. “You do not know what the future holds. There might be many such balls in your future, and besides, you love learning new things.”
Meg snorted. “When was the last time you saw a governess at a ball?” she demanded tartly, and with rather more irritation than she’d intended, but she felt prickly and unhappy suddenly.
“You don’t know that you’ll be a governess all your life. They do get married, you know,” he shot back.
“Perhaps sometimes,” she allowed, if grudgingly. “The lucky ones. Others are governesses until they are too old to work, and if they are lucky, they’re pensioned off to a cottage on the estate if it’s a grand family. Others are not so fortunate.”
Why in the name of heaven had she said that? Meg clamped her mouth shut. Was she trying to make him feel sorry for her? No, she was just feeling miserable and viewing the future in the worst possible light. Not that she’d said anything that wasn’t entirely true.
She glanced up at him, noting his rigid jaw with dismay.
“Nat, I’m sorry. Please forget I said that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she said, taking his arm.
“I do,” he said gruffly. “You’re afraid of what will happen to you once this is over, and rightly so.”
“No,” she said, trying to soothe him even though his words were entirely accurate.
“No, you’ve reassured me that all will be well, and I believe you.
I’m just a bad-tempered wretch. So you see, you are terribly lucky this is not a proper engagement, or you would be sorry,” she said, trying for levity when all she wanted to do was weep.
Nat looked back at her but said nothing and she could not read his expression. But the vicarage was before them now, and there was no more time for conversation. So Meg plastered a smile to her face and promised herself she would shake off her bad mood and be a wonderful guest.
Meg putting a brave face on was just about the most heartbreaking thing Nat had ever seen.
Dash it all, why was everything getting so complicated?
He didn’t want her to be a governess, to have to work for her living, and in such a way.
Certainly it was a respectable position, but a governess belonged nowhere.
She was too well bred to belong with the servants but could never be included among the intimates of a family, invited to balls and dinner parties.
She would forever have one foot in each camp and be welcomed in neither, an endless balancing act, but he did not know what else he could do for her.
He could buy her a neat little property and give her money enough to live on, and do so willingly, but if he suggested such a scandalous arrangement, she would slap his face and never wish to see him again.
She would assume, as the world would assume, that he meant to keep her as his mistress.
Even if his motives were entirely unselfish, if anyone discovered the truth, she would be ruined.
And, if he were entirely honest, he could not pretend his motives were entirely unselfish.