Chapter 20
Chapter twenty
Leo
NOW
Miranda and I prepared pasta, salad, and garlic bread together. She seemed more relaxed after the massage but not particularly talkative, so I put on records in the living room. Marley had an impressive collection of old Christmas albums.
Oscar and Bambi lay in front of the tree, snoring softly.
They finally stirred when Miranda and I sat down at the table to eat, watching us with pleading eyes that would have given Oliver Twist a run for his money.
I relented and grabbed Kongs from the freezer.
I could have sworn Bambi bowed at me before taking his treat to the rug by the fireplace.
“The first thing I’m going to do when I buy a house is get a dog,” I said, watching as Oscar rolled onto his back, wriggling like a worm with the bright red Kong sticking out of his mouth.
“You’re close?” Miranda asked, and I realized it was the first time she’d spoken since we sat down.
“It depends. I could probably find something in South King County, but I’m not sure that’s what I want. If I saved up to afford a place in Seattle, I could be closer to my parents, but sometimes I think I'd prefer something farther out, with more land.”
“I could see that.”
She brought a bite of pasta to her lips and chewed slowly before taking a sip of water. I hummed along to Sammy Davis Jr. on the vinyl player.
Miranda’s phone rattled on the table, causing her to jump in her chair.
She flipped it over and frowned. I caught Stone’s name before she declined his FaceTime request. As before, I wanted to ask about it, but the storm on her face kept me quiet.
Seconds later, a string of texts came through.
She didn’t even check them, calmly putting the device in the pocket of her leggings.
When the muffled dings of more messages sounded from underneath the table, I raised an eyebrow.
“It’s nothing,” she said, her tone clipped.
“You sure?”
Her fork clanked against her plate as it slipped through her fingers. “Actually…don’t worry about the texts. But there is something else I want to talk about.”
“Yeah. I can tell something’s up. Did I massage you too hard? You can tell me if I suck at—”
“Stop.” She put up her hand. “The massage was great. Very informative, in fact.”
Informative? That was a strange word to—
Oh no.
She leaned back in her chair and threw her napkin on the table, then folded her arms across her chest. “You weren’t touching me like a friend, Leo. You were touching me like a lover.”
I froze, stunned, before sucking in a breath. She stared evenly at me.
“Miranda…” I struggled for what to say. Of course the person who knew me best would see right through me.
On some level, I knew she’d been talking herself out of the obvious for a while. During the massage. At the arcade. Probably longer. Because she respected that I’d told her I was ace. That I didn’t want a romantic relationship.
But that delusion couldn’t last forever.
“Be honest with me, Leo. Do you want me as more than a friend?”
Now it was my turn to drop my fork.
5 MONTHS AGO - JULY
By morning, I’d gained more clarity. I wanted Miranda. Full stop. Where did we go from here? That was still a wide-open question.
She wasn’t in my room when I woke up. There was a note on my phone. She’d gone back to her room to shower before we needed to head to James and Marley’s house. We were having breakfast with them before they left for their honeymoon.
Driving over in my truck, Miranda chatted about the wedding and her plans for spending the summer in Coleman Creek.
Meanwhile, all I could think about was waking up in the middle of the night to find my fully hard cock pressed into her ass.
I’d rolled away, and I didn’t think she noticed, but it was still…
fucking weird. Another new thing to get used to.
I halfway thought I’d need to rub one out, but it hadn’t been an issue. Per usual, I deflated quickly. I’d read that some ace people still had high libidos—meaning many of them enjoyed masturbating—but I’d never run hot. For me, jerking off was a rare event.
After breakfast, Miranda helped her sister finish packing. Marley and James planned to spend a week in Greece, followed by a Mediterranean cruise.
James and I sat on his back porch, sipping coffee.
I flicked the bun on top of his head. “Hard to believe my little brother is a married man.”
He laughed. “You remember I married Cindy six years ago? You didn’t seem so surprised then.”
“That was different.” He didn’t need me to elaborate. Before James met Marley, he’d had a disastrous three-year marriage to a woman who’d expected more from life than being married to a high school teacher. With Marley, he’d found his forever.
James relaxed back in his chair. “I feel like the luckiest guy in the world, you know? I turned thirty a week ago, and I have an amazing wife, a home, dogs, a job I love. Will and I are best friends again, and I’m about to go on an amazing honeymoon. Life is good, brother.”
“I’m so proud of you,” I said genuinely.
We sat in silence for a minute before he spoke again. “You know the only thing that could make it better?”
My mind immediately went to kids, but Marley and James had made a point of saying they planned to wait a few years.
“Winning lottery ticket?” I suggested. “New chalkboard for your classroom? A trainer who can actually get Oscar to shake when you ask him to, instead of just licking his butthole?”
James’s cheek ticked. “I’d like to know that my big brother is just as happy as I am. But the butthole thing would be good too.”
I eyed him. “I’m happy. Are you under the impression that I’m not?”
“That isn’t it,” he replied, sipping his coffee.
“And I’m not making a judgment. You’re such an amazing and supportive brother, I guess I just want to make sure I’m giving you that in return.
This is me checking in to make sure you’re okay.
I know you have friends and a job you like, but I hope it’s…
enough. Maybe it’s none of my business, but sometimes it seems like you’re holding yourself back.
And if you’re doing that because something’s wrong, I want to help you.
” He exhaled. “You can also tell me to shut up.”
I let out my own thick breath. “James, I—” Tilting my head upward, I gazed up at the clear, cool sky.
“I get how my life might look from the outside. I’m in my mid-thirties, and I haven’t hit a lot of, let’s say, typical adult milestones…
And I know you and Mom and Dad wonder why I don’t date.
If it helps, I’m saving for a down payment on a house, so at least I’ll tick that box eventually.
” I paused, patting him on the thigh. “But you’re my brother.
If something were wrong, it would definitely be your business.
You shouldn’t feel you can’t ask me things.
I might not answer, but you can always ask. ”
“Does that mean you’re just—what? Taking things at your own pace?”
I raised a don’t bullshit me eyebrow at him. “You want to know the reason for the not dating?”
“Obviously, I’m curious. I’d be an oblivious fool if I weren’t. Especially since you’re the hot brother.”
A year ago, I would have worried his comment stemmed from the body image issues he’d battled since high school. But he’d come a long way since meeting Marley, so his teasing smile didn’t surprise me.
“Are you trying to make me tell you that you’re hot?”
“Duh.” He chuckled. “But seriously, is it because you don’t enjoy going out? I know the apps can be a minefield.”
I gripped my mug. “It’s complicated. Or simple, I guess, depending on which way you look at it.”
Part of me wanted to blurt it out to him, but after keeping this piece of myself inside for so long, I was having trouble putting it out there.
When I didn’t continue, James said, “I used to think maybe you just did everything on the down-low, like you’re a secret player and wanted to keep it all private. But these past few years…” His expression pinched.
“What?”
James sat up straighter. “These past few years, I’ve seen how you are with Miranda.
I know the two of you are just friends, but—brother—the way you light up when you’re with her.
How you play off one another. It’s not something everyone gets.
” I stared hard at him. He must have mistaken my expression for annoyance because he added, “Sorry if I’m overstepping. Like I said, it’s none of my business.”
“No,” I reassured him. “I understand. And you’re not wrong. Truthfully, hearing you say it out loud makes it more real. Miranda and I completely click. I’m comfortable with her in a way I’ve never been before.”
“That’s major, Leo.” He hesitated. “There’s really nothing more than friendship there?”
I thought about how much James didn’t know. I couldn’t talk to him about Stone, about how Miranda was already in a relationship with an internet clown.
“It’s okay,” James said. “You don’t have to tell me. Just know that I’m here for you.”
I couldn’t talk to my brother about Stone. But I could talk to him about me.
Adjusting myself in the chair, I twisted toward him. “Actually, I think it might be good to—… Things might be changing with me, so maybe it’s time.” I steepled my fingers together beneath my chin.
“Time for what?”
“You mentioned that it seems like I’ve been holding myself back? Well, there’s a reason for that. Like, a specific reason.”
“This is a thing that Miranda knows?”
“Mm-hmm.” I ran a hand through my hair.
After a minute of silence, James laughed a little. “It’s fine if you don’t want to tell me, Leo.”
“I’m working myself up to it.”
“But you really don’t have to. If it’s going to cause you stress, we can wait until you’re ready—”
“I’m asexual—”
“…to tell… Wait, what?”
“I don’t experience sexual attraction to people.”