Chapter Four
‘You’re completely out of your mind and I’ve never been so angry with you in my life.’
Desi wasn’t taking take the news about my trip as well as I’d hoped.
‘You’re telling me you’ve agreed to nick off to the Scottish Highlands with a complete stranger on Christmas so his weird family can lure you into some ritual sacrifice and skin you alive?
’ She stared at me, eyes popped wide, mouth hanging open.
‘I should lock you in this room and board it up from the outside.’
‘Probably,’ I agreed as I rummaged through the pile of clean washing on the bed, randomly tossing T-shirts and socks at my open suitcase. ‘Sounds fun, doesn’t it?’
‘No,’ she replied. ‘It doesn’t.’
‘I think it sounds fun,’ Joel commented from his spot on the floor where he was currently curating my festive wardrobe.
Since my work clothes were all horribly dull and neutral, I had a tendency to go the other way with my downtime outfits.
Not that I was ever out of sweatpants or pyjamas but if I did decide I wanted to venture out into the world, my civilian wardrobe was made up of random brightly coloured bits and pieces bought on a whim.
Desi had more than once accused me of having the style of a hyperactive toddler.
I preferred eccentric rainbow fan. Her description was more accurate.
‘Fun and sexy,’ Joel added. ‘I love a Scotsman. Does he have an accent? Tell me the bit about him covering his peen with your bobble hat again. Did it all fit?’
‘It’s only a few days,’ I said to Desi, ignoring Joel to the best of my ability. ‘Think of it as a minibreak, a wee jaunt up to bonny Scotland with Dave’s friend to get some fresh air and … well, I’m not sure what else. Whatever people do in Scotland.’
‘Drink whisky, toss cabers and wear kilts?’ Joel offered.
‘That sounds a tad stereotypical.’ I frowned. ‘I’m sure there’s a lot more to it than that.’
‘No, I’m saying that’s what I did last time I was there.’ He closed his eyes and smiled at a memory. ‘My cousin Naima’s wedding, it was brilliant. Right up until Uncle Bikram fell arse over tit and showed everyone what a real Scotsman wears under his kilt. Nearly turned me straight on the spot.’
‘Thank you for that very insightful input,’ Desi scowled at Joel while he held out two different dresses for my approval.
I nodded towards the more conservative red velvet maxi offering.
He tossed a neon-pink mini alternative into my case instead.
‘Best-case scenario, you fall in love with him and get your heart broken. Worst-case scenario, they’re going to roast you over an open fire and eat you for Christmas dinner. ’
‘She does love a scenario, this one,’ Joel muttered, contemplating a pair of skinny jeans over a pair of wide leg leopard-print trousers.
‘How are they the only two options? There have to be a thousand more. What if the train breaks down on the way and they get trapped in a frozen wasteland and the passengers resort to cannibalism? What if his mother is a witch and there’s a curse on the family that turns them all into Loch Ness monsters?
What if they drive through a fairy circle and find themselves stuck in Braveheart times, or whatever the fuck happens in Outlander? ’
‘You really have got to start actually watching the telly rather than reading the Wikipedia articles while it’s on,’ I told him. ‘And who’s to say he won’t fall in love with me and get his heart broken?’
Desi marched across the room to her bookcase and began pulling out a selection of brightly coloured paperbacks, hurling them at my cowering form.
‘What’s this? Oh look, a book about two people who fake date then fall in love.
And what happens in this one? A fake engagement that ends in the couple catching feelings.
This is the formula, Laura, you make a deal, you swear you won’t catch feelings then he sweeps you off your feet and bangs you senseless in your just one bed.
But guess what? The bit where you end up together is not guaranteed. ’
‘I never said I wasn’t going to have sex with him, I said I’m not going to fall in love with him,’ I replied casually. ‘He is pretty fit, I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating biscuits.’
Desi said nothing, only blinked.
‘Sorry,’ I fluttered my eyelashes in her direction. ‘I meant I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating shortbread.’
‘You’re an idiot,’ she said with a sigh. ‘An absolute fool.’
‘Calm down, Des,’ I said. ‘It’s not going to be holding hands and moonlit strolls, more like dirty looks and temper tantrums, no PDA involved whatsoever. It’s all been agreed. I don’t have to convince his family we’re in love, only persuade them to hate my guts.’
‘And how exactly are you going to pull that off?’
‘Easy. I’m going to pretend I’m you.’
She wasn’t even a little bit offended.
‘You’ve lost your mind.’
‘And you’re overthinking it,’ I replied, turning back to my packing.
How many pairs of knickers would I need for five days away?
Ten? Twelve? Twelve seemed safe. ‘It’s going to be a breeze.
Pretty sure his mum already hates me so half the job is done but they’re not going to hurt me.
She was wearing a silk scarf. Fastened with a brooch.
Whoever heard of someone who owns a brooch skinning people alive? ’
Joel launched himself onto the bed, right in the middle of my pile of clean clothes.
‘Question. If you do shag him and you get free rent, does that technically count as sex work?’
‘You tell me, you’re my accountant.’
‘Hmm.’ He rubbed his chin and frowned. ‘I think he’d have more of a problem than you, since you’ve got a written agreement and everything.
As long as he’s not making a profit or you don’t pay more than seven thousand five hundred pounds in a single tax year, he doesn’t have to report it.
If you’re just subletting for cash under the table, there wouldn’t be an issue. ’
Desi dumped herself on the bed beside Joel and took my hand in hers, her long black hair snapped back in a claw clip, a genuine expression of concern on her pretty face.
‘You’re too nice, that’s your problem,’ she said, almost gently but not quite. ‘What sort of psycho suggests something like this in the first place?’
‘I suggested it,’ I replied and she covered her face with a pair of red tartan shirt-and-shorts pyjamas and groaned. ‘What? He gets a fake girlfriend for five days and I get a month’s free rent and a holiday in Scotland. I’ve got nothing to lose.’
‘Unless his family does skin you alive,’ Joel commented. ‘Some things are better with the skin on, Lau, like a nice little potato wedge.’
Rational thought was a mystery to the pair of them.
‘Look, I’ll be careful,’ I promised. ‘Obviously I’m not actually going to have sex with him, that was a joke, and I’m definitely, definitely not going to fall in love with him. You know I’m a feelings-free zone—’
‘Until you’re fully qualified, we know,’ Desi completed my sentence for me, parroting the reasoning I’d used time and time again whenever conversation turned to my barren love life. ‘You don’t need any distractions, we know, we’ve heard it, we’ve rolled our eyes at it.’
‘We’ve talked about it behind your back,’ Joel added. ‘Extensively.’
‘He’s not my type anyway,’ I said airily. ‘He’s too tall and healthy looking. Seems the type to go outside voluntarily and enjoy it.’
Joel gave a scandalised gasp.
‘Not … outdoorsy?’
‘Exactly, like he’d suggest going on a long walk wearing shorts in the winter,’ I confirmed. ‘You know I prefer an indoor pet.’
‘Rat-boy is your usual preference,’ Desi admitted. ‘But types can change.’
‘Trust me, if you’d met his parents, you wouldn’t be so concerned.
’ I let out a little laugh, mentally pasting his dad’s eyebrows onto Callum’s face.
Instant ick. ‘I can see how this might look like a reckless decision from the outside but aren’t you the one always saying I need to be more spontaneous? ’
‘No, I’ve literally never said that.’
‘I have but I was talking about maybe getting the train to the seaside or something instead of spending your day off on the sofa with all the Real Housewives again,’ Joel said.
‘Not agreeing to trek up to the other end of the country and spend all of Christmas with a random hot Scot you barely know.’
I snorted out another laugh as I pulled a pair of tights out from under Desi. ‘It’s all going to be fine, you’re both overreacting. I’m a doctor, I’m good at staying detached. From here on out, I’ll think of Callum as a patient instead of a human being.’
‘Surgeons don’t think of patients as human beings?’ Joel’s question pitched up with panic.
‘Forget I said that,’ I muttered. ‘The point is, you can’t get hurt if there aren’t any feelings involved and surgeons are very good at compartmentalising feelings.’
Joel looked at Desi. Desi looked at Joel.
‘But if by some bizarre, inexplicable chain of events I did get attached,’ I continued loudly, ‘I swear I will never mention it to either of you, not once. Even if he metaphorically rips my guts out and I spend the rest of my days wandering the world in a Miss Havisham-esque nightmare, the name Callum McClay will never again pass my lips, unless I’m referring to him as my landlord or that bloke I went to Scotland with that one time at Christmas. ’
‘Which brings me to my second complaint. I can’t believe you’re ditching us.
’ Desi grabbed my wrist as I reached for a pair of black leggings and yanked me down onto the bed, creating a three-friend-cuddle-puddle with me as the littlest spoon.
‘Leaving me and Joel all on our own? How will we survive?’
‘By getting rat-arsed on Baileys and passing out before the King’s speech same as you do every year.
’ I tried to twist around to look at them but a shooting pain in my neck spun me right back.
Ten years of yoga and I was as flexible as a slab of cement.
‘If you can’t bear the thought of Christmas without me, you could always come to Scotland, you were invited. ’
‘We were?’ Joel said, perking up.
‘Technically, they invited my sister,’ I clarified. ‘You could be my brother-in-law if you like?’
His forehead creased with confusion.
‘But you haven’t got a sister.’
‘I’m not a massage therapist called Caroline either,’ I replied. ‘I don’t think an imaginary sister is going to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back on this one.’
‘The situations you get yourself into.’ Desi sighed as she stroked my hair, the comforting scent of her woodsy perfume settling around me. ‘I don’t know, Lau, I still think you’re going to regret this.’
‘Then you have full permission to say I told you so if it goes tits up,’ I said with a loving smile. ‘Until then, can we all agree it’s a fun, silly adventure that we’ll all laugh about a week from now when we’re moving me into my lovely rent-free flat?’
‘Delulu is the solulu,’ Joel announced. ‘You might be a silly goose but you’re our silly goose. Here, take these.’
Breaking ranks from our three-way cuddle, he sat up and reached into the pocket of his jeans to produce the same black leather wallet he’d been carrying since Desi gave it to him for his twenty-first birthday. Opening it up, he pulled out a seemingly endless strip of condoms.
‘What is that thing, the TARDIS?’ I asked as he crammed the golden concertina into my hands. ‘How many condoms do you carry around on an average day?’
‘Better safe than sorry and better sorry than knocked up. Take them.’
‘There’s another box in my drawer, better pack them as well.’ Desi jerked her chin towards the bedside table. ‘I’ll humour your nonsense but I am not raising your Scottish love child.’
‘And you say I’m the ridiculous one.’ I clucked my tongue as I dropped the eight-condom strip into my suitcase. Just in case. Be prepared, prevention better than cure and all that jazz. ‘It’s a good job I love you two.’
‘You wouldn’t survive without us,’ Joel said. ‘At least not for long.’
‘Doesn’t bear thinking about,’ I replied with a grin, pulling myself out of the cuddle puddle to grab my trilling phone from the bedside table. A text from Dad, a picture of him waving from the bow of the ship. ‘I don’t even know how I’ll cope for five days.’
Desi reached over to open the drawer where I stood, revealing, as promised, a jumbo-sized box of condoms. ‘By filling your suitcase with these. Read my lips, no love child.’
‘Message received and understood,’ I said with a salute. ‘All I’m bringing back is myself, my suitcase and hopefully some shortbread if there’s time to stop at the shop.’
‘Laura,’ Joel said gravely. ‘If life has only taught me one thing, it’s that there is always time to stop for shortbread.’
Truly, they were words to live by.