Chapter Twenty-Five
I came to, pulling away from Callum right as Shiv walked by. I pressed my lips together tightly, awash with shame, but she didn’t even look at me. Head held high, she grabbed hold of Elsie’s arm and dragged her out to the lobby.
‘OK, enough of this,’ Desi said loudly, punching me very hard in the arm. ‘No one wants to see that amount of PDA at a Christmas carol concert.’
‘Technically the carol concert is over,’ I heard Joel say. ‘And I’m fine with it.’
There was other chatter, people whispering, talking, but I was staring up at Callum, stunned into silence and barely able to stay upright. He looked right back at me, eyes boring into mine.
‘Mal’s waiting outside, everyone in the bloody car,’ Derek barked, words cutting through my lust-struck haze. ‘We’ll not be airing our dirty laundry in public.’
‘Two more minutes and they’d be airing more than their laundry,’ Rory said. ‘I’d say get a room but you’ve got one and it’s awful close to mine. Maybe I’ll go down to the cottage and stay with Mal and Fi tonight.’
‘Time to go,’ Desi sang with a big fake smile on her face as she rounded behind me and physically pushed me forward to hiss in my ear. ‘What the fucking fuck was that?’
‘I don’t know,’ I replied with an equally enormous, fake grin pasted on my face. ‘He kissed me, not the other way around.’
When we stepped out of the town hall, the ground was glittering, the beginning of a frost, the whole of Braewick white over.
‘As soon as we get back, we should get in the car and drive home,’ she said as Joel fell into step beside us. ‘Your work is done, I feel safe in saying you’ve been crossed off the McClay family Christmas list.’
‘It’s a ten-hour drive at best,’ Joel replied. ‘And we’re all three of us over the limit still. No one’s going anywhere tonight.’
‘First thing in the morning then.’ Desi’s glare softened when she saw the confusion on my face. ‘And she’s sleeping in our room with us. Where we can keep an eye on her.’
I didn’t say anything. I’d said enough.
‘I don’t know if I’ve got another day of this in me,’ she groaned. ‘I’m exhausted.’
A silver Mercedes pulled up in front of the town hall, stopping right next to a beetroot-faced Derek. My heart stuttered in my chest when I felt a tug on the sleeve of my coat.
‘Can I speak to you?’ Callum asked.
‘No,’ Desi answered for me. ‘You can’t.’
She opened the back door of the car and pushed my head down, bundling me into the back like a police suspect.
As I shuffled over to make room for my two friends, Callum’s eyes stayed locked on mine.
And when the car pulled away, I had my fingers pressed against my mouth, still staring in his direction as he disappeared into the distance.
With Mal and Lizzie in the front of the Mercedes, me, Desi and Joel in the back, we beat the Land Rover home by less than thirty seconds.
Derek pulled up right behind us, Elsie flying out of his front passenger side, Callum and Rory rolling out the backseat.
Shiv had seemingly found her own way home.
I tumbled out of the car, wincing at the sound of so many doors slamming shut at the same time, the racket bouncing off the front of the house and echoing into the empty night.
Desi and Joel muttered at each other while I poked at a paper-thin layer of ice on the surface of the pond with the toe of my shoe.
It cracked, but the pieces stayed where they were, held in place by the rest of the frozen water, nowhere for them to go.
‘Who’s hungry?’ Lizzie asked brightly and I followed her around to the back door of the house, leaving Callum, Elsie and their dad to share some choice words.
Keys jangled in a lock, the door opened, we were inside.
Rory rested a kind hand on the centre of my back before giving me a shove over the threshold.
‘You don’t want to be part of that,’ he said. ‘Trust me.’
‘I might go upstairs for a bit,’ I said, staring at my feet. ‘I think I’ve got another migraine coming on.’
‘Fine. You’re back in your own room tonight. Svetlana.’ Lizzie turned to Desi, pressing a hand to her chest as though saying the name caused her physical pain. ‘I moved your things into the guest suite in the Abercorn wing. Would you like me to show you the way?’
Desi shook her head. ‘I’m going with Caroline.’
‘No, you aren’t,’ Joel corrected. ‘Caroline has a migraine, give her some space.’
‘And I don’t think it’s good for her to be alone when she’s got a migraine. I’m going with her.’
She stared him down but he did not budge.
‘My arse, you’re coming with me.’ Joel, the greatest peacemaker of our time, turned to Lizzie with the most charming smile in his repertoire. ‘Mrs McClay, thank you so much. Which way to our new room?’
‘Rory, can you show them?’ Lizzie asked and her youngest son nodded, clicking his fingers and shooting double finger guns. Then she looked to me. ‘Before you go up, could I have a word?’
Suddenly the thought of being alone with Desi didn’t seem that bad. Better a best friend bollocking than a dressing-down from your fake boyfriend’s mum. But I nodded. The others left us behind even as Desi tried to drag me along with them by sheer force of will.
‘I want to say …’ Lizzie tugged on the ends of the silk scarf fastened around her neck. Her eyes were red. Had she been crying in silence in the car? ‘I just want to say …’
‘I’m so sorry,’ I blurted out before she could fumble for her words one second longer. It was excruciating. ‘I was totally out of order and I’m mortified about the whole thing. I don’t know what came over me.’
Not very Caroline of me but I couldn’t help myself. The memory of my own mother at the carol service hovered at the edge of my mind, I couldn’t stand knowing I’d brought Callum’s mum to tears. She caught my hand in hers, delicate bones and soft skin, and shook her head.
‘You might not believe it now but I had more than one run-in with Derek’s family when I was young. I might have even forgotten it myself. It can consume that part of you, being a mother. Sometimes I forget who I was before.’
‘It’s a very difficult job,’ I replied, the words stilted, still afraid she might slap the taste out of my mouth at any second. But she didn’t. Instead, she unfastened her brooch and pulled off the silk scarf, shoving both of them into her pocket.
‘I miss Callum,’ she said simply. ‘The house isn’t the same without him, but we haven’t been fair to him. Or to Elsie. I had no idea she felt that way. She would never have said anything if you hadn’t forced it out of her so thank you.’
‘Thank you?’ I couldn’t believe my ears. ‘You’re thanking me for arguing with Elsie?’
‘I’m thanking you for getting her to tell us the truth,’ she amended.
‘I’m under no illusions about who my daughter is or the fact she’s got a temper.
But I didn’t know how much she’d kept bottled up.
It’s my job, as her mother, to see to her happiness, not the other way around.
That’s a difficult thing to do if you don’t really know what’s going on inside your children’s heads, and Lord knows they’re never in any rush to tell you. ’
‘Still,’ I said. ‘I am sorry for causing a scene.’
‘Gives busybodies in town something to talk about.’ She smiled and took hold of my hand. ‘You really love him, don’t you?’
‘I feel like I can be myself with him,’ I whispered back. ‘I feel like he sees me.’
She nodded then pulled me into a hug. A surprised gasp spluttered out of me but it was over almost as soon as it had begun, Lizzie breaking away and rolling her sleeves up to her elbows.
‘You look peaked, Caroline. Go on up to bed and I’ll send Callum up with something for your head when they’re done.’ She paused and I heard raised voices from all the way outside. ‘Might be a wee while.’
‘I’ll be fine,’ I replied and her face reset with grim determination. ‘Thank you.’
One more nod and she spun on her heel, marching right back out the door towards her quarrelling family.
‘Right!’ I heard her shout. ‘I have had just about enough of this! Get your arses back inside this instant and don’t you dare look at me like that, Derek McClay!’
And before anyone could follow her orders, I bolted upstairs, as fast as my legs would carry me.
It was strange to be back in my room. The Christmas tree glowed, the ornaments twinkled, the stockings were hung from the chimney with care, everything perfectly prepared for me.
But compared to Callum’s room, the cosy luxury of this suite seemed overdone.
I felt like a guest. This was Caroline’s room. Laura wanted to be next door.
The rooms might be different but the view was the same from both windows.
Nothing had changed outside. Unaltered from the night before and the night before that.
The year before, the decade, the millennium.
These mountains, this loch, stood silent sentry and observed the endless lives as they came and went.
They were here before Balmaclay and they would still be there when the house was in ruins.
All we had was a blink of an eye. Gone before you knew it.
I was still sitting in the armchair, staring out the window, when the door opened.
The handle turned so softly I barely heard it click, ruling out Desi or Joel.
Neither of my friends had ever crept into a room without making as much noise as possible in the entire time I’d known them.
Derek was unlikely to be tiptoeing around my room any time soon and Lizzie had already said her piece, so there was only one other person I was expecting.
Unless it was Elsie with a shotgun.
I spun around to see Callum closing the door behind him and my shoulders sagged, thrilled to be still holding onto my head.
He stayed in the far corner of the room, as far away from me as he could be while still sharing the same space.
With my knees pulled up to my chin, I cocked my head to the side.
‘I’ve come to apologise,’ he said.
‘What for?’ I asked.