Chapter Twenty-Seven #2
‘What?’ I asked, blowing a strand of hair out my face.
‘What do you mean, he’s not in love with his ex?’ Joel asked politely.
‘He’s not in love with Shiv,’ I said. ‘That’s what I mean.’
Desi pressed her lips into a white line, eyebrows drawn together. ‘And you know this because?’
‘Because I asked him and he said he wasn’t.’
‘And you believe him?’
‘No reason not to,’ I told her. ‘He said he misses her because they were best friends but he didn’t feel that way about her any more, hasn’t for a long time.’
‘Then why fanny about with all this fake girlfriend stuff?’ she asked.
‘And don’t you dare say it’s complicated because the last time I heard that from you I got in the car and drove for ten hours only stopping once to wee in a paper cup on the side of the road and now I’m about to drive all the way back on Christmas Day so I’m going to need a proper answer. ’
‘But it is complicated,’ I said before clearing my throat, the very real threat of friend-on-friend violence in the air.
‘Do you really want me to stand here and explain how he got in a mess by making up a girlfriend to avoid coming home because he feels guilty for failing to meet his family’s expectations, hurting Shiv and Elsie, and even guiltier for not knowing exactly what he wants to do with his life, only that he doesn’t want to spend it running the farm at Balmaclay? ’
‘Yes,’ they replied in unison.
‘Well, I’m not going to,’ I said. ‘You’re just going to have to trust me that he never intended to hurt anyone.’
‘Right.’ Joel picked up a bag of popcorn and tossed it back and forth between his hands. ‘Doesn’t give him the right to use you for a one-time shag though. Wanker.’
‘Well,’ I started, sucking in my cheeks when they both glared at me. ‘Technically, I was the one who said it was just for fun. Technically.’
Joel squeezed his popcorn so tightly the bag popped, sweet and salty kernels flying everywhere.
‘You’re going to have to help me get this straight because I’m not sure I’m following,’ Desi said as Joel began to hyperventilate, huffing air in and out of the now half-empty bag.
‘Callum isn’t in love with Shiv any more and you know that because you asked him straight out and he gave you a proper answer. ’
‘Yes.’
‘But he did use you for sex last night, right? Even if you gave him permission, that’s a shitty thing to do. I mean, it’s incredibly obvious that you have feelings for him and he took advantage of that.’
‘Had feelings, past tense. Briefly considered a flirtation with feelings.’
Desi’s eyes flashed down from my face to my chest.
‘What’s that?’ she asked.
‘What’s what?’
With an almighty effort, I took the weight of the shopping basket in one hand and patted my jumper with the other.
I was still wearing his brooch.
‘Oh,’ I muttered, pawing at it. ‘Um, Callum gave it to me. Can you take it off please? We should probably flush it down the toilet or something.’
She unpinned it from my jumper and handed it to Joel, who laid it flat in his palm, frowned, then took out his phone.
‘Right, we’re going to go over this one more time to make sure I’ve got the facts straight.
’ Desi pulled a hairband from her wrist and tied her long black hair back in a ponytail.
Oh dear. She meant business. ‘Callum isn’t in love with his ex, he didn’t manipulate you into a one-night stand and he gave you a Christmas present? ’
‘I’m sure you’re going somewhere with this,’ I replied, swallowing down an uneasy feeling. ‘But yes, I suppose so.’
‘Not just any Christmas present,’ Joel said, looking up from his phone. ‘It’s a Luckenbooth brooch, a traditional Scottish love token, most often given as a token of betrothal.’
‘Oh my GOD.’
‘Desi Kaplan, we do not raise our voices in M&S Simply Food on the Lord’s birthday,’ Joel admonished. ‘But we do slap our friend around the head for being an absolute mongoose when it comes to men.’
‘What are you talking about?’ I dropped the basket, snacks spilling all over the place when his hands shot out to clobber me around the back of the head. ‘Stop it! What have I done wrong?’
‘Besides walk away from a man who is very obviously obsessed with you?’ Desi replied. ‘Please explain to me why we even left?’
‘Because you said we should!’
‘Because I thought he was still in love with his ex!’
‘Why would I have sex with him if I thought he was still in love with Shiv?’
‘Because you’re obviously as obsessed with him as he is with you!’
We were both yelling, locked in a stand-off, neither one of us about to back down.
‘This is absurd,’ she declared. ‘What the fuck are we doing here, Laura?’
I gestured around the shop as Joel tried to kick away his exploded popcorn and a security guard appeared at the end of the aisle, hovering ominously.
‘Buying snacks?’ I replied, fully aware it was not the answer she was looking for.
‘I meant in general,’ Desi groaned. ‘What are we doing right here, right now? Why are we leaving Braewick in the first place?’
I was confused, I was frustrated, I was very angry and, somewhere underneath all that, I was starting to get a little bit hungry. All in all it was a terrible combination.
‘We’re leaving because I don’t need his mess in my life,’ I said. ‘You were right, is that what you want to hear? This whole thing was a massive mistake. You said I’d get hurt and you were right, well done, now can we please get in the car and get going?’
Desi folded her arms and planted her feet on the ground. Apparently we could not.
‘That’s not why we’re leaving,’ she said. ‘We’re leaving because you’re running away.’
‘Wrong,’ I replied, loud and clear. ‘Completely wrong.’
‘To be fair,’ Joel began cautiously, ‘you didn’t really give him much of a chance to defend himself. We’ve all said the wrong thing in the heat of the moment and that moment wasn’t exactly chill, was it?’
‘Really? You’re defending him?’ I was appalled with my supposed friends. ‘Whose side are you on?’
‘Yours, always yours. We both are,’ he paused to cast a quick look at Desi who nodded in agreement, ‘that’s why we’re telling you the truth instead of agreeing with you and chucking you in the back of the car with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s.’
‘Then I’ll take the ice cream option, thanks,’ I said sourly. ‘I’ve heard about enough from you two.’
‘Too bad because I have one more thing to say and you’re going to listen to it.
’ Desi stepped right up to my face, unaware she was risking life and limb.
I’d never been so furious in my entire life.
‘This is how you know I’m deadly serious.
I was not right, you were. You’re the one who said you wouldn’t get hurt but he might. We should’ve been listening then.’
‘You don’t know what you’re talking about,’ I scoffed and turned away, not interested in her little theories.
Joel went to rest a hand on my shoulder before catching the look on my face and thinking better of it.
‘You shut yourself off,’ he said from a safer distance behind Desi. ‘I know, it’s hard to hear but you do, and it’s not healthy.’
‘But he’s moving to Paris! And one day, he’ll probably want to move back up to Braewick, regardless of what he says now. I can’t work in Paris and there certainly aren’t any neurology units in Braewick. Why start something that’s going nowhere?’
She raised a hand to her ear, listening for something I couldn’t hear. ‘Oh, Joel, do you hear that?’ she said. ‘They’re playing my favourite song, Laura’s Excuses.’
Rage bubbled and bounced inside me, dangerously close to boiling over. I reached for the switch, the one that made the feelings disappear but it wasn’t there. My safety catch was gone and I was dangerously exposed.
‘They’re not excuses,’ I muttered. ‘They’re facts.’
‘He might move to Paris, he might move back to Scotland, I’m hearing an awful lot of possible things Callum might do in the future and nothing about how you feel right now,’ Desi said, poking me in the chest. ‘You can give me every excuse until you’re blue in the face but we both know it’s more than that.
You don’t let anyone in because you’re afraid that if you do, you’ll lose them one way or another. ’
‘Is that right?’
‘Lau,’ she started, shaking her head sadly. ‘Your mum—’
‘Don’t,’ I warned, hovering altogether too close to the edge of my emotions. ‘If you value your kneecaps, you will not say another word.’
‘It’s just—’
Rage charged around my body until I couldn’t control it any longer and, for want of something constructive to say, I booted a Turkey Feast sandwich all the way to the fresh fruit and veg.
‘Laura—’
‘I said not one more word!’
Desi and Joel clutched each other’s hands, stunned expressions on their faces.
‘You want to share? Great, let’s share,’ I swiped my hair out of my face, not even flinching when it got caught in my watch strap, yanking a chunk right out my scalp.
‘You were wrong, Des, but not about poor, hard-done-by Callum. You were wrong when you said I’m an amateur when it comes to being angry.
I am angry all the time, every single day.
I’m fucking consumed by it. I’m angry at my dad for not being there for me like other people’s parents.
I’m angry about losing my mum, angry at the doctors who didn’t save her, I’m even angry at her for dying which is literally insane. What did I do to deserve any of it?’
‘Laura.’ Desi spoke my name gently, her fingertips finding my forearm, but it was no good now. The cap was off, the toothpaste was out the tube and I wasn’t done.