Chapter Twenty-Eight
When we got to the house, no one was home.
The Land Rover and the silver Mercedes were both gone when I ran around to the back of the house to check, no one answering at any door.
‘Callum said they go to church on Christmas morning,’ I remembered, my adrenaline high crashing hard as I climbed back into the car, sullen faced. ‘They’re probably all there now.’
‘No worries,’ Desi said brightly. ‘We’ll just go to the church.’
‘How festive,’ Joel replied. ‘I’m in.’
But I wasn’t.
‘We’re not going to storm a church,’ I said, visions of a nativity scene gone flying, Desi screaming Callum’s name like she was starring in a local production of A Streetcar Named Desire shuddering through my mind. ‘We’ll wait for them to come home.’
Joel slumped against the backseat, hands tucked into his armpits.
‘How long will they be? I’m freezing.’
‘Literally no idea,’ Desi replied. ‘Lau?’
‘The last time I was in a church was for my own christening so you’ll forgive me for not having the faintest idea,’ I said. ‘I don’t even know what kind of church they go to. Could be a half an hour, could be all day. Catholic goes on for a bit, I think.’
‘Well, we can’t sit outside in the freezing cold for an hour.’ She checked the heating dials on the dash and groaned when she saw they were already at full blast.
‘I have a suggestion.’
We both turned to receive Joel’s wisdom.
‘Pub?’ he suggested.
‘Pub,’ Desi agreed. ‘We’ll come back in an hour, hopefully interrupt their bloody Christmas dinner.’
‘First round on Laura,’ Joel said, rubbing his hands against his arms. ‘I could use a hot toddy to warm me up.’
I braced myself against the dashboard when Desi spun the car around on the driveway, barely missing the not-a-moat.
‘Alcohol only warms you up temporarily,’ I said. ‘In the long term it actually makes you lose body heat faster.’
‘Remember that first night in the student union when we couldn’t find a table?’ Joel said to Desi over the loud crunch of gravel. ‘And you said, let’s go and sit over by the redhead, she looks all right?’
‘And I’ll never live it down,’ she muttered. ‘As long as I live.’
The Clach was booked and busy. Desi went first, elbows out and practically fighting through the crowd to get the only empty table left, so far away from the roaring fire I couldn’t even see it, let alone feel it.
‘Two scotches and a Diet Coke?’ I said, pointing at my two friends as they struggled out of their coats.
Desi pulled her sleeves down over her hands and draped her faux-fur coat over her knee for warmth.
‘I thought you didn’t like Diet Coke because aspartame is bad for your brain or something.’
‘I don’t,’ I said. ‘It’s for you. You’re driving, remember?’
‘Fuck.’ She blanched, wide eyes staring blankly. ‘I have made a terrible mistake.’
Weaving through the packed tables, I saw happy people everywhere, smiling and laughing and hugging each other.
Even as a card-carrying Christmas resistor, I had to admit I’d always liked this part.
The way one day out of the year brought people together and gave them a reason to feel joy that was often so sorely missing on the other three hundred and sixty-four of them.
There were couples and families and groups of friends, and a big table full of older gents who were cackling at each other like they’d sat around that same table every Christmas for the last fifty years and had no intention of changing that fact any time soon.
‘Excuse me, thank you, excuse me, thanks.’
I said the same words again and again as I ricocheted down the entire length of the pub until, just a few feet from the bar, I froze.
Sat at a table beside the fire and staring at their phones, were Elsie and Shiv.
If I thought I could’ve escape without them seeing me, I’d have turned tail and run, but no. Shiv saw me first, her blue eyes popping open and for a very stupid minute, I thought she might give me the grace of a speedy exit, but no. She nudged Elsie, nodding to the spot where I stood.
The sounds of The Clach faded away and my body bypassed my brain, slipping straight into flight, fight, freeze or fawn.
This time, it chose freeze, all my muscles seizing up as though I might somehow become invisible as long as I didn’t move.
Then I remembered that was a tactic to use on dinosaurs, not people, and since they were very extinct, we didn’t even know if it actually would work on dinosaurs but I doubted it.
If anyone were to ever clone them successfully, the potential for a class action lawsuit against Jurassic Park was huge.
‘What the fuck are you doing here?’
The sound of Elsie’s voice set my teeth on edge when she rose to her feet, hands on her hips, and it took every ounce of self-restraint in my body not to knock her spark out.
Not that I’d ever hit anyone before, let alone knocked them out, and I knew only too well how dangerous concussions could be, but still, the heart wants what the heart wants and my heart wanted Elsie McClay unconscious for the foreseeable.
‘Elsie,’ I began, searching myself for something clever, witty and incisive, so savage it made her question her very existence. ‘Piss off.’
It wasn’t perfect but it would have to do.
‘No, I mean it, what the fuck are you doing here?’ she said again, strangely enough surviving my verbal assault without so much as a scratch.
‘Just happened to be in the area, thought we’d pop in for a quick pint.’
‘Very funny.’
I attempted to move around her, only to be cut off by a speedy side step.
‘I’m not here to fight with you,’ I said with sigh. ‘I’m here to talk to Callum. Is he here?’
She scoffed, tossing her ponytail over her shoulder and almost taking a passing man’s eye out with it. ‘I think we’ve all heard more than enough out of you.’
A lesser woman, a lesser version of me even, would’ve taken this as a sign. The universe did not want me to speak to Callum. Why else would they put this gorgon in my way? But my emotional shutdown switch had been permanently eliminated and my fear of confrontation was gone with it.
‘No, Elsie, I don’t think you’ve heard enough from me,’ I said, standing my ground. ‘I don’t think you’ve heard anything from me as it happens. You heard from Caroline, and last time I checked, you’re the super sleuth who worked out she doesn’t exist.’
‘I don’t know where you get the audacity to even still be here,’ she said, seething. ‘Let alone the fact you haven’t even tried to apologize.’
‘For what?!’ I demanded. ‘I didn’t do anything wrong!
And correct me if I’m wrong but after the way you acted this morning, I’m not exactly breaking my neck to make things right with you.
Pretending to be Callum’s girlfriend might’ve been stupid but what you did was thoughtless and cruel, not just to Callum but to your whole family. ’
She pursed her lips, eyes flickering to the floor because even Elsie McClay had to know there was truth in what I’d said. But she wasn’t ready to back down just yet.
‘You should at least say sorry to Shiv.’
‘Who should do what to Shiv?’
Callum’s ex was on her feet, perfect blonde hair bobbing about the shoulders of her fuzzy Christmas jumper.
‘She, whoever she is, owes you an apology,’ Elsie stated.
‘What for?’ Shiv asked.
‘Messing things up with you and Callum.’
‘Oh my God, not this again.’
Rolling her eyes wasn’t enough. Shiv rolled her entire head around on her shoulders before throwing her hands up to the sky. ‘Else, how many times do I have to tell you, I do not now, nor will I ever want to get back together with Callum!’
Well. That was news to me.
‘You don’t?’ I said.
‘What?’ Shiv turned to look at me, eyes scrunched up as though I’d just said the most out of pocket thing she’d ever heard. ‘No! You couldn’t pay me to have him back. Why would you think otherwise?’
‘But you wanted to marry him? And Graham said …’ I stammered. ‘And his dad, and Elsie … ?’
‘Not that I owe you an explanation but yes, I let everyone convince me we should get married. In reality, I was trying to patch up something that was already over. If he’d gone along with it, we’d both be miserable,’ she said as my words faded away.
‘And strangely enough, I don’t share my innermost thoughts with my ex-boyfriend’s dad or his best friend, and believe it or not, Else isn’t exactly the best person to talk to when it comes to Cal. ’
‘I’m stood right here, you know,’ Elsie said, tapping her friend on the shoulder.
‘Good, maybe it’ll sink in this time,’ Shiv replied, sounding exasperated. ‘I’m not getting back together with your brother, I’m completely and utterly over him, and there’s no secret plan to bring him back and usurp you from the farm throne.’
‘Actually, there is, sort of, but it’s your dad, not Callum,’ I said. ‘Which probably doesn’t make you feel any better now I think about it, sorry.’
‘Why were you talking to Graham and Elsie and Derek about me and Callum?’ Shiv asked, turning her keen eyes on me. ‘If you’re only pretending to be his girlfriend, what would it matter?’
‘General curiosity?’
She squinted at me and I could almost feel her picking through my brain.
‘Are you in love with him?’
‘No,’ I replied, face instantly flaming. ‘It’s just, well, you weren’t very nice to me when we met.’
‘I don’t remember you passing out friendship bracelets either,’ she replied.
‘The fact I wasn’t turning cartwheels when we met doesn’t mean I want to get back with Cal, only that I don’t know you.
He’s still my ex, forgive me for not being evolved enough to invite his new girlfriend over for pizza and a sleepover. ’
I couldn’t argue with her logic. Even though Shiv had given no indication she wanted to reconcile with Callum, it hadn’t even occurred to me that Graham, Derek and Elsie could be wrong about her intentions.
So caught up in my own confusing feelings, I couldn’t even imagine a world where she wouldn’t want to be with him.
‘If we’re all done sharing, I’m ready for her to leave,’ Elsie said, folding her arms across her chest.
It took a second for me to realize she was talking about me.
‘Why should I leave?’
‘Because this is my local pub and you’re a psycho.’
Even though I knew this was not the right time to bring up the statistics on female psychopaths, it still took a tremendous degree of self-control to stop myself from telling her male psychopaths outnumbered females six to one, although recent research suggested that number was likely underestimated and women were better at masking psychopathic behaviours.
‘Whatever is going on with Cal, it’s a bloody big mess and I’m sorry you’ve been caught in the middle of it,’ Shiv said, glancing over my shoulder.
‘All that said and done, you might not owe me an apology but she does. Else, if you need me, I’ll be across the bar, kicking her friend’s arse for what she said about my shoes at that wedding. ’
Without another word, she took off, marching across the bar towards Desi and Joel.
‘You’d better get your friend out of here before she batters her,’ Elsie advised. ‘Shiv might look harmless but I wouldn’t bet against her in a fight.’ I was halfway turned around before she added, ‘and you can see yourself out while you’re at it.’
‘Seriously, Elsie, you need to get over yourself,’ I said, shaking my head.
‘I’ve never met anyone so committed to taking their anger out on the wrong people, and I’m a doctor, in a hospital.
I said everything I need to say to you last night, but if you truly think I’m the problem then you should get help.
Making up a fake girlfriend was stupid, yes, but Callum want only trying to spare everyone’s feelings while he worked out his own stuff.
He’s a straight cis-man, open communication and logical problem-solving might not be his strongest suit, but if anything you’re the one who should be apologizing to him.
The whole lot of you need your heads knocking together.
You, your mum and your bloody dad, and it’s a good job they’re not here right now because I’d happily tell them that to their face. ’
Her eyes flicked past me and the pop of surprise on her face melted into a self-satisfied smile.
‘And they’re right behind me, aren’t they?’
I turned around slowly to see Lizzie, Derek, Mal and Fiona all emerging from the passageway that led out to the back of the pub, all of them with a face like thunder. All except Mal. He was grinning like a Cheshire cat as usual.
‘Fancy seeing you here,’ I said with a weak smile. ‘Aren’t you supposed to be at church?’
‘Aye,’ replied Derek. ‘And aren’t you supposed to be a Swedish masseuse?’
‘A vegan Swedish masseuse,’ added Fiona.
Mal grasped his wife’s arm and cocked his head towards the door. ‘Come on, this feels like family business. We’ll leave you to it.’
‘But you’re practically family,’ I said, protesting the loss of a potential ally.
He replied with a wink. ‘Kith not kin, hen. Shall I start the engine in case you need a hasty retreat?’
I shook my head before looking over my shoulder to see Shiv and Desi staring each other down like a pair of Christmassy king cobras. Possibly, I’d spoken too soon.
‘So you think we’re the ones who owe you an apology, do you?’ Derek said, seizing the brown leather belt at his waist and hoisting his trousers up as Mal sauntered over to the bar, Fiona still shooting daggers in my direction.
‘Technically, I believe I said you owe Callum an apology,’ I replied. ‘No need to worry about me.’
‘Oh no, you’re not getting off that easily.’ Two red spots appeared in his cheeks and his bushy eyebrows came to life, inching up his forehead like angry, bristly caterpillars. ‘Since you’re here, I’ve a thing or two I’d like to say to you …’
But I wasn’t listening to him any more, my entire attention was elsewhere. Striding down the passageway that led to the back of The Clach, shoulders slumped and head hanging low, was Callum.