Chapter Twenty-Nine #2
‘We’re not going to fix twenty years of problems in one day,’ Callum said, looking and sounding tired.
‘What’s important is, everything is out in the open now.
They know how I feel, I know how they feel, we all know how Elsie feels.
Mum gets it, I think. Dad will come around or he won’t, that’s how it goes. ’
‘I hope he does.’ I sidled in closer to him as someone pushed past me to get to the bar. The bar. I’d almost forgotten where we were. ‘While we’re clearing the air, I’ve got a couple of things to say if that’s all right?’
‘By all means.’
Callum waved a hand between us, gesturing for me to take the floor.
Even though our nervous system accomplished thousands of tasks every single second, supposedly, the prefrontal cortex only could process information at ten bits per second, one thought at a time.
Right there and then, I was entirely certain mine was operating at less than optimal speed.
Every time I blinked, it was like seeing him for the first time, and all my clever words and witty asides were long gone, over the hills and far away.
‘I shouldn’t have run out when you were trying to talk to me,’ I began, starting with something I knew to be true. ‘That was stupid and I’m sorry.’
‘And I shouldn’t have said you were just a random girl.’ He winced as though repeating the words caused him pain. ‘What I meant to say was, none of my behaviour was your fault. I didn’t want them blaming you and it just came out, I apologize.’
So we’d both messed up and we were both sorry. It was a decent start.
‘Wait, what did Rory mean when he said I’d saved you a long drive?’ I asked, the thought suddenly striking me.
Callum’s shoulders rolled up and forward, pinching together under his ears.
‘Och, you know Rory.’
‘Not really,’ I pointed out. ‘What was he talking about.’
‘He got it into his head that we should drive down to London after you,’ he said. ‘That was sort of the plan. Mum agreed to bring Dad to The Clach to get him out the way so we could leave without another row but Rory left his phone in Mum’s handbag because he’s an idiot.’
‘Why did your mum have Rory’s phone in the first place?’
‘Because he was watching The Simpsons in church.’
‘Fair,’ I said. ‘Your mum approves of me then?’
He inclined his head but his smile was disapproving. ‘Which means you failed in your task, Caroline. No free rent for you.’
‘Shit, I was going to spend that money in the sales,’ I whispered before running my thumb over the back of his hand. ‘You were really going to drive all the way down to London? On Christmas Day?’
An answering nod.
‘And say what?’
‘Hadn’t quite worked that out yet,’ he admitted. ‘What were you planning to say to me?’
‘I did know,’ I told him, chewing the inside of my cheek. ‘But I seem to have forgotten.’
‘You ought to see a neurologist about your memory,’ he said and I glanced away, refusing to let him see me smile at his bad joke.
‘I know it was stupid to call you a random girl – and please don’t set Desi on me for this – but I still don’t fully understand why you were so angry that you had to leave like that.
You’re the one who said last night was a one-time thing, just for fun. ’
‘There’s a good chance I wasn’t thinking that clearly last night,’ I confessed. ‘I think, after a certain point, I would’ve said anything you wanted to hear. I thought it was what you wanted.’
The air between us seemed to shimmer and hazy, uninvited memories of the night before flashed through my mind.
‘I only agreed because the thought of having you once was better than never having you at all,’ Callum murmured.
‘Laura, I’ve been holding myself back from you since that first night on the train.
You don’t do relationships and I don’t do one-night stands, I knew if anything happened between us, one of us would get hurt.
Do you have any idea how long I stood in front of your door last night before I decided I could live with the pain? ’
I snatched in a breath, letting my hair fall in front of my face, the weight of his gaze too heavy to bear. Callum crooked a finger underneath my chin, lightly sketching his thumb over my trembling lips.
‘Now I think about it, I’ve an idea of what I wanted to say to you when we got to London,’ he said.
‘I reckon I’d have tried to convince you to give us a go.
You’ll be busy at work, I’ll be busy in Paris.
We’ll text and talk on the phone when we can.
I’ll get the train back to London on my days off, you can come to see me if you want to. What do you say?’
‘I suppose there are a few things I’d like to say,’ I whispered, voice breaking against his fingertips. ‘Only I don’t know where to start.’
‘Dealer’s choice.’
His fingers grazed my jaw as he slid his hand around my head and tilted it backwards.
When my eyes met his, I couldn’t hold back the tears that pricked behind them, one, then two, full, fat teardrops spilled over my bottom lashes, enzymes, lipids, metabolites, electrolytes and protein.
Callum wiped them away with his thumbs, both hands tenderly cradling my face.
‘My career is demanding,’ I said with a tiny sniff. ‘And passing my exams has to be my priority.’
‘Wouldn’t have it any other way,’ Callum replied. ‘No question about it.’
‘But,’ I added tentatively, ‘I have been rethinking that whole no relationships thing.’
‘God, I knew I was good,’ he said with a low whistle. ‘I didn’t know I was that good.’
‘Since before last night,’ I added, punching him lightly in the stomach even as a tremor ran all the way through my body. ‘Although admittedly, your performance didn’t hurt.’
A sly half-grin crept onto his face.
‘Knew it.’
‘It won’t be easy,’ I said. ‘Mostly because I’m worried we’re both idiots.’
He laughed and his fingertips combed through my hair, sending tingles shooting all over my body.
‘We McClays have never been afraid of hard work, especially when there’s a worthy reward at the end of it.
’ Winding my hair around his hands, he tugged gently, splintering my concentration into a thousand tiny shards.
‘I stayed awake all night watching you sleep because I couldn’t stand the thought of our one time being over.
Laura, I’ll find a way to make this work.
All you have to do is keep being yourself. ’
They were beautiful words but were they enough?
‘I don’t know about that,’ I said into his chest. ‘I’m not always brilliant at saying what I’m thinking. Or feeling. Or telling people what I want. And when anyone gets too close, I have a tendency to push them away.’
He cocked his head across to the other side of the bar. ‘What about your pals over there?’
‘Can you imagine trying to push Desi away?’ I replied without looking. ‘I was not given a choice in our friendship. She was tenacious.’
‘Then I’ll be tenacious,’ Callum promised. ‘I’ve fucked up a lot of things in my life, wasted a lot of time, all because I didn’t say exactly what was on my mind. I won’t do it again. I won’t do it with you.’
That pleading half-smile again. It would be the death of me.
‘What do you say?’ he asked, hopeful but still uncertain. ‘Do we have a deal?’
I slid my hands over his heart, feeling for the beat that matched my own, no longer erratic and afraid but certain and steady.
Six short days and everything had changed.
Not me, not really, I was the same person I’d always been only now, thanks to Callum, I felt more myself than ever.
Whatever we’d done before, whoever we thought we were or had pretended to be, that was the past, and the thought of living a life without him, without seeing him, talking to him, touching him.
was so much more frightening than the risk of letting him in. Steady grey or dangerous Technicolor.
There was really no choice to make.
‘We have a deal.’
With my hands cupping his face, I rose up on my tiptoes, rough stubble under my palms, his eyelashes flickering against my cheek, his firm, warm lips brushing against mine …
‘Excuse me!’
Graham’s voice cut through the moment and I jerked away, heart in my throat. With a mischievous grin, he pointed at the ceiling.
‘Can you show some decorum?’ he said sternly. ‘That’s no’ mistletoe you’re standing under.’
Directly above us, a bunch of holly hung from one of the rafters, shiny green leaves and plump berries, red instead of white.
‘Sorry, Graham,’ I replied, pulling Callum’s face back down to mine. ‘Starting right now, we’re making our own traditions.’
And I intended to keep them, always.