13. Carrie
13
CARRIE
I sat on the edge of the bathtub waiting for the pregnancy test to process. The packaging said to wait at least three minutes to be certain it had enough time, but waiting was killing me. Besides, Mom was nagging me about organizing the ornaments and lights. She wanted everything laid out and ready so that when Ryan and I got back from picking the tree out, we could just decorate it right away.
I knew she'd come knocking on the door, and I couldn’t let her see the test lying on the counter. After missing a period, having tender boobs, and throwing up several times—not to mention constant nausea—I already felt like I knew what the test would say, but there was a part of me that still hoped I was wrong. Pregnant and single wasn't ideal, though I knew I could manage it. Telling my parents it was the result of a one-night stand was another thing. They were going to flip out.
"Carrie, Ryan is here. You can stop hiding from me." Mom's annoyed tone made me cringe, but at least she didn't try walking in here. I stood up and looked down at the test which hadn't had a full three minutes.
"Coming," I told her, but as the word slipped off my tongue, I noticed the two very distinct pink lines on the test. They hit me like a punch to the gut and my breath caught in my throat.
I didn't know why I was feeling upset or emotional. I was the one who spread my legs for that night of drunken lust, and I didn't make sure I was even protected. Now I not only had to make sure I wasn't carrying something, but I had a whole new consequence to deal with. A baby was a huge deal. A really huge deal. There would be no hiding this secret from anyone.
"Now," she grumbled, and I heard her footsteps moving away from the bathroom door.
A few tears snuck down my cheeks and I swiped them away. It would be life-changing, but it didn't have to be horrible. I always knew I wanted to have kids, and while it wasn't quite how I hoped it would be, a family was always in my future. And having not had a very good relationship with my own parents, I knew this was a positive thing for me. Someone to love me, someone who'd never leave, and a chance to do things better than my parents did.
I forced myself to look at the bright side of things as I washed my face and slapped on some fresh makeup so no one would see I'd been crying. Then I picked up the trash from the pregnancy test and hid it in an old takeout bag I saved for exactly this purpose.
My stomach roiled as I shoved my feet into my shoes and shrugged on my coat, then I jogged down the stairs and saw Ryan waiting by the door. He had a bright smile and a rosy nose from the cold.
"Ready? We're losing daylight." He was cheerful and exuded the joy of the holiday season, and on the inside, I was miserable—tied up in knots and emotional.
"Yeah," I told him, and I glanced at Mom, who was scowling as she organized the decorations by herself. I had never been more thankful for the escape from the house. She would see something was wrong with me, and because every girl needs her mother no matter how old she gets, I'd end up caving and telling her.
I followed Ryan to the truck wishing my relationship with my mom wasn't so horrible. I needed her in a moment like this, but I knew the only thing that would come from it would be more lectures and reasons being in Evergreen Falls was the right choice.
"You okay?" Ryan asked as he drove north out of town. The small tree farm was one town over, giving us plenty of time to help me relax and forget about the baby for now. I had to wrap my mind around it before telling anyone, and that meant time to think.
"Uh, just some personal stress…" I stared out the window not knowing what to tell Ryan. He wasn't exactly my sounding board. I should have called Ethan before coming downstairs. I should have just made Mom and Ryan wait five minutes. I felt like I was going to explode with too many emotions.
"Well, I'm a good listener, if you want to talk." Ryan reached over and rested his hand on my knee, and I warmed to him. He was a good listener. He'd already proven that.
"Thanks, but this one is a tough one." I bit my lip and decided to change the subject. "So, you really want me to wake up next to you?" I asked him cheekily.
He grinned and said, "Purely for educational purposes only. I have to prove that you don't really look like the Bride of Frankenstein." He winked at me and turned onto the highway, and I relaxed a little. This man could put me at ease with nothing but a smile, and his warm hand on my knee was comforting.
"So, do you put up a live tree?" I lifted his hand from my leg and weaved my fingers through it, wondering if there was any way this would ever work. Dad would never approve of me and Ryan dating, but I hadn't let that stop me from pursuing my degree in marketing or accepting that job in Chicago. Eventually, they got over those things. I didn’t want to upset them, but my life was mine to live, and I liked Ryan a lot.
"Oh, I don't have a tree just for myself. My family isn't very close either, so I just end up eating alone. Sometimes, Helen invites me over…" He smiled sadly, and I wondered how that must feel to not have a close family. Mine was a trainwreck, but we still did holidays, at least.
Then I thought of the baby growing inside me and remembered how Ryan had been married. Rumors flew around town over why he was divorced, but I didn't put stock in any of them. People said he killed her by sabotaging her car. Others said he cheated and she left him, then wrecked her car on purpose. But one that niggled at me was that he hated kids so much that he left her when she miscarried. That one made me nervous. This baby was as much a part of me now as every one of the parts Ryan liked.
What if he didn't like it?
"No tree? That's sad… But I understand. I don't really do a whole lot for myself in Chicago. The magic is all here with Mom and Dad. Though some day, when I have a family, I'll make my own traditions." My hand rested on my stomach unconsciously, and I smiled. Someday, I'd have presents and trees and wrapping paper, the patter of little feet running down the hall to wake me up to do gifts.
"I thought I'd have that too…" His tone shifted to one of sadness, but we arrived at the tree farm. The crunch of gravel under the tires was a good interruption to the conversation, and I smiled as I looked out at the rows of trees just waiting to be cut down and brought home.
"Oh, look, they have Douglas firs." I grinned, and when he turned to me, he was smiling too. "I want one!"
"Let's go pick the best one, then." He put the car in park and climbed out, and I waited for him to open my door for me. When he did, I turned my legs out the door but he didn't back away. Instead, his hands rested on my hips as he pulled me toward himself and planted a kiss on my lips so hot that I wanted to take my coat off.
"Well, Mr. Hawthorne, if we keep doing this my mother is going to wonder where we are with the tree." I had my arms draped around his neck, and my core throbbed with desire for him.
"I think the tree is in my pants." He snickered, and I didn't even have to look down to know he was rock hard. His dick pressed into my thigh.
"Not the kind of tree we need, but good try."
Ryan led me out across the lot to the trees where we picked a beautiful Douglas fir. I knew it would look amazing in Mom's living room area. Then I forced him to pick a small tabletop-size tree for his house, which I told him would be great on his kitchen table since he never used it. He agreed to my plan, but not without stealing a few more kisses from me.
When his fingers laced through mine casually as we walked past the wreaths and sprigs of mistletoe in the barn, I immediately glanced around to make sure no one was watching. Thankfully, being out of town, I didn't see anyone I recognized, so I relaxed and let myself enjoy it.
"I could get used to this," I told him, sighing at how calming his presence was. I felt so in tune with him, so at home… But I knew it couldn’t really last. I never wanted to move back to this town. The people were awful. And I was pregnant with a stranger's baby, which wasn't a good start to a relationship. Then there was the fact that Ryan's whole life was here. He'd never just pack up and leave town. The moment was bittersweet.
"To what, Christmas tree shopping?" He chuckled, and I leaned on his chest.
"To being with you, like this." My heart was already falling for him so hard. I knew I was going to be crushed when it was over.
"I think so too… Now, let's go pay and get the tree set up for your mom. I don't want to be at the receiving end of her lectures." Ryan was joking, but he wasn't far from the truth. Mom would let him have it too if she got irritated enough.
Three hours later, after a lot of wrestling and nagging, we had the tree erected in Mom and Dad's living room with all the lights and decorations on it, with only one thing left to do. The star wasn't in the box, and Mom sent me to the basement to find it. Reluctantly, I left the room to go find it, wishing I didn't have to leave Ryan's side for anything. The entire time, he was helpful and calming, and even when Mom got a little riled up, he helped balance things out.
I patted Dad on the shoulder as I walked past him, and he smiled at me. "It looks beautiful, sweetheart," he said, and he lifted the gingersnap in his hand to his mouth for a bite. I loved that he was getting back to normal now, feeding himself again.
I went down to the basement and found the star, and when I was walking back in, I heard Mom talking. I stopped because she was talking about me, which made me curious to know what she was saying.
"Carrie is just so bitter, though…" She sighed, and I scowled, but I eavesdropped a bit longer. "I'm so glad she's taken to you and you've been able to help her feel more comfortable in town again. She seems to be back to her normal self, Ryan. And I think I have you to thank for that."
For a moment, I wondered if Mom had figured out that Ryan and I were sleeping together, but her next comment made me cringe, and then it made my stomach knot up again.
"I mean, I know you never wanted children of your own, but I appreciate that you're taking her under your wing so much. Walter and I just can't ever seem to get through to her."
"Well, things can change…" Ryan said, but I had to stop listening now.
Ryan never wanted children. That was what Mom said. So it was true. The rumor that he hated the idea of having kids wasn't just senseless gossip. He really didn't want kids. My hand rested on my belly, and I leaned against the wall and let the words sink in. I didn't know what really happened with his wife, but if the other part of that rumor was true, that he left her when she got pregnant and miscarried, maybe he wasn't the type of guy I needed in my life.
"I wonder where that girl is. I swear, sometimes…" Mom's tone was angry now, and I didn't want her biting my head off.
My heart sank a little as I walked around the corner and noticed Dad had nodded off. Ryan didn’t want kids, and I was definitely having at least one. It didn't matter how perfectly the rest of our lives aligned. If he'd been adamant enough about being childless to divorce his wife, I didn't stand a chance. The budding affection I had for him needed to be squashed.
"I got it," I told them, holding the star up, and I had to force a smile. Whatever was going on between me and Ryan was just a fling now. It had to stay that way too.
"Good, let Ryan put it on!" Mom clapped her hands with glee as I handed him the star. He smiled at me, but it didn't move me the way it used to, mostly because I now knew nothing could ever really develop between us. I had to do this on my own.
But I did have that job opportunity in New York coming up, and that was something to look forward to. If that panned out, I'd have a fresh start on life all over again, even if I had to leave Ethan in Chicago. I’d make enough money to be a single mom and a jetsetter, just to keep in touch with my best friend and my family. I had to focus on that.
So why did my heart already feel like it was breaking at the thought of losing Ryan?