17. Carrie
17
CARRIE
A fter the debacle at the ice sculpture contest, I'd been lying low for a few days. It wasn't all that difficult. With Mom focused on doting over Dad and taking care of him, his appointments, and his therapy, I was able to fly under the radar. I'd poured my heart out to Ethan and stayed in my bedroom as much as possible, wishing this whole thing would be over and I could go back to Chicago to die of a broken heart, but Mom insisted that I stay until Christmas for Dad's sake.
Today, however, I ventured out to the coffee shop to meet up with Lisa again. She practically demanded that I come talk to her, and I knew why. The whole town was on fire with chatter about how Beth Price and Ryan had a go at each other. The only silver lining in this entire situation was that the gossip hounds at least had the tact to make sure my parents didn't hear about it. It was something they were good at—talking about people behind their backs.
If the shit they spewed to my face was this bad, I knew the things I wasn't hearing were even worse. Which was why I chose to make this coffee date with Lisa. I had to know. I couldn't even think of responding to Ryan's question about staying here unless I knew the fire I'd be walking into.
"Girl," she hissed as she sat down. She cradled her coffee between her palms and hunched over the table conspiratorially. "What the actual hell is going on?"
I flicked my eyes around the room nervously and made sure no one was watching us. There were only two other customers in the shop this time of day. Most people got their fix in the morning, and being three in the afternoon, we mostly had privacy.
"What do you mean?" I asked, playing innocent. The less she knew that I knew, the better. Lisa was a gossip queen, but she was also my high school best friend. I knew she was participating in the gossip other people spread around, but I trusted that if I asked her to keep something in confidence, she would. And if she didn't, I had the added benefit of being able to leave and never come back. I'd done it before.
"I mean, Ryan Hawthorne?" Lisa narrowed her eyes at me and then smirked. "People are saying things, hun."
I had to suck in a deep breath to get through this. I knew what people were saying, but I didn't know what they weren't saying. That was where Lisa came in, but in order to get her there, I had to trudge through some painful things. I felt like I was walking through a gauntlet, and I just didn't have emotional energy for all of this. My hormones had me crying every five seconds lately.
"Let's cut to the chase, Lisa." I splayed both of my palms on the table between us and looked her right in the eye. "I know what they're saying. I know they think Ryan and I are sneaking around or whatever it is. They call him a cradle robber. They call me a slutty gold digger. Tell me what I'm missing." My eyes pleaded with her to break the gossip code and let me in on the worst of it, and I knew she would.
We hadn’t spoken in ages, but we were still soul sisters at heart. We grew up together, and that made us closer than blood. All the things we did as best friends came swirling around us in nostalgia as I pulled her hand away from her coffee cup and gripped it in mine tightly.
"Please…"
Lisa sighed hard and glanced around at the still-empty dining room, then she lowered her voice further and began. "Okay, well there are some things I'm just not going to say because they're horrible and hurtful, and you don't deserve it, but you should know people are saying Ryan and you have been dating since his wife died. They say he killed her so he didn't have to pay the alimony.
"They are also saying that Ryan's only friends with your dad to get to you and that you aren't really here to see your dad." She pursed her lips and looked away, and I knew there was more. The people of this town had wild imaginations if they thought any of that was true, except for the dating part, though I hadn't been dating him for years.
"Lisa, please… Just give me the worst." I had been expecting all of that and more, so when she continued, it didn’t surprise me. It was like she saved the best for last just to see if I'd react or something.
"They're saying Ryan's going to ruin you the way he ruined Kate." Concern etched her brow, and I was confused. I sat back and picked up my own coffee cup, sipping the hot brew slowly as I let the words sink in, and she explained. "Kate miscarried a baby, and days later, Ryan told her he wanted a divorce. They say he's going to ask you to throw away your life to marry him and never be a mother."
That wasn't ever going to happen, but she had no clue. My hand unconsciously touched my stomach and I asked, "But what are they saying about me?" I had to know. If they'd stoop so low to talk about Ryan like that when it obviously wasn't true, they had to be even worse when they spoke of me.
"I can't, Carrie. You don't need to know." It was Lisa's turn to reach across the table and touch my hand, but I shied away.
"Spill it," I demanded. My heart was hammering against my ribs and I felt like crying.
She shook her head and sighed, then rolled her eyes, but she did tell me what I needed to know. "They are saying you are a whore…" She paused and offered a pained expression but continued. "They say you sleep with anything that has a dick. There are two other men saying you threw yourself at them too, and that it was all for money, and I swear I defend you every time they say that stuff."
I finally let her take my hand as the tears welled up and I blinked them out. They dripped from my cheeks, and I shook my head in disbelief. "I can't believe how awful they are," I whimpered, covering my mouth.
"Oh, honey, hey…" Lisa reached into her purse and pulled out a little plastic travel pack of tissues and plucked one out for me. She handed it to me, and I wiped my face and blew my nose. I wanted to go home and hide, but now that the worst was out there, I knew I needed a friend to confide in, and Ethan was too far away.
"Lisa, you know I'd never do that. Right?" I turned to look at her, and she nodded apologetically.
"I know it, babe. And who are they to talk? Men have this disgusting way of thinking they can go sleep around with any woman they want and it's cool, another notch in their belt. But if a woman even has a fling, she's a slut. I hate the double standard." She kept feeding me tissues and I kept crying.
Pregnancy was not being nice to me, though I was thankful that at least today, I wasn't feeling like vomiting.
"Can I tell you something and you swear not to say anything?" I asked, and she nodded.
"Of course, Carrie. We're best friends, or we used to be. You know I would never tell a soul anything you asked me to keep private. I still haven’t told anyone it was you who drew on the girls’ locker room mirror with lipstick." She snickered and passed me her last tissue, and I finally felt like I could stop crying.
"Well, first of all, before I even came to Chicago…" I hesitated, knowing how this would affect town gossip if she let it slip. The rumors would be even worse then.
"What is it?"
"Well, I'm pregnant—and before you jump to any conclusions, it's not Ryan's." I bit my lower lip as her eyebrows rose and decided it was best to just rip the bandage off because I needed someone in this godforsaken town to tell me I wasn't a horrible person and give me advice. "And yes, I'm sleeping with Ryan, but no one can know. And my dad will kill me, not to mention the town gossip, and Ryan is so much older than me and?—"
"Whoa… whoa… Slow down," she said, leaning in again. She took her own deep breath and again looked around the dining area. "Does Ryan know?" She didn't sound judgmental or harsh. In fact, she sounded compassionate and sympathetic.
"No, why would I tell him? It's definitely not his. I missed my period a while back, and I've been sick. He and I have only had sex twice, and there's no way it could've been him. I had this one-night stand in Chicago…" I gave her a pleading look. I felt so vulnerable sharing my dirty secrets.
"Oh, honey," she cooed. She shook her head and squeezed my hand again. "I don't know if Ryan left Kate or if the miscarriage drove her to such grief that she left him, but what I do know is that Ryan made it clear to everyone he knew that he didn’t want children. It wasn't even gossip. When they had the wake for the baby, he wasn't even crying. He told people it didn't affect him. He just wanted Kate to feel better. He never wanted kids."
My heart squeezed at the thought of Ryan losing a baby, even one he didn't want. And then I thought of how he'd react if he knew I was pregnant. Sure, we weren't publicly an item yet, and I still intended to go back to Chicago, so there was very little chance we ever would be, but if I told him, would it make him think differently of me? Would he end the fling now?
I got stuck in my head, but Lisa wanted to talk more. "So, how serious is this? Between you and Ryan, I mean."
I took a huge gulp of air that made my lungs expand all the way. The pressure in my chest felt good, like it was stretching anxious muscles.
"We haven’t really talked about it. He did ask me if I'd consider staying here and not go back to Chicago. I think for him, it's more serious." It was so serious for me too, but I couldn't tell her that. Saying it out loud would only make it hurt more when it didn't happen. Ryan didn't want kids. He'd never want me now. "But would you want to stay here—with the way the town is treating me, I mean?"
She shook her head sadly. "No, honey, I wouldn't, but it sounds like he's getting attached to you. It's going to hurt him pretty badly when you leave if you don't make it clear to him what you want. And while I'll never tell you that screwing him is wrong or shameful on your part simply because you're a woman, I do think it's wrong to toy with a man's heart.
"What will he do when you really leave but he's head over heels for you? And how will he feel if he finds out later on that you had a baby? He'll freak out and think it's his. You'll have a whole paternity nightmare to deal with. It's best to just be honest with him." Lisa sipped her coffee again and tucked the plastic tissue wrapper back into her purse.
I knew she was right. I just didn’t want to admit it. I had to tell Ryan right away so I wasn't leading him on. It was the honest thing to do. I didn't want him to be hurt by it, but I figured he already would be. He and I clicked so well, but with the way the town was treating both of us, my return to Chicago was the only option. And if I just ended things before they got any more intense, it would save us both a lot more heartache.
"Thank you," I told Lisa.
"Honey, you don't have to thank me. That's what best friends do. And let me tell you, if Ryan?—"
My phone started ringing loudly, and I missed what Lisa was saying as I looked down at the screen from where it lay on the table. It was the hospital's number, with "Evergreen Memorial" in bold letters across the screen.
Fear shot through my chest like a bullet, and I swiped to answer and picked it up, ignoring Lisa's rambling.
"Hello?"
"Ms. Bennett?" a voice asked.
"Yes, this is she."
"Ms. Bennett, this is Carol Welsh from Evergreen Memorial. Your father's had an accident and he's at the hospital. Your mother requested that we call you. Her phone is dead."
I was already standing as the woman continued talking. I shook my head at Lisa, offering a worried look, and whispered, "I have to go. It's Dad."
With everything going on, I hadn't even been paying as close of attention to my aging father as I should've been. I came home to help Mom with his care, and I'd spent my time wrapped up in town pageantry and Ryan Hawthorne. If he was having another stroke, I'd never forgive myself.