19. Carrie
19
CARRIE
R yan was so incredible, being patient with me and not pushing me to do anything I didn't want to. More and more, I was finding myself so connected to him, and I knew it wasn't good for me. I was having another man's baby, and he didn't want kids, and that obstacle, which was a huge one, wasn't even the worst. But he was too perfect to give up. I found myself in a damn yo-yo, wanting something I shouldn't want and knowing how bad it would turn out.
I did fully intend to spend more time with Dad. That epiphany that he'd only be around for so long hit me when I got the call that he was in the hospital again. But the truth was, I just didn't have the guts to tell Ryan about the baby. And I didn't want to cry the whole flight back to Chicago because my heart really wanted to stay with him. I couldn't live here. It was why I moved away to begin with.
"I should go inside," I told him, but I didn't move. I didn't want this to be the last time I saw him. I knew if I just told him the truth, he'd walk away. I also believed if I pulled back any more than I already had, he would just start telling Mom he was too busy to help. We'd go back to life as normal, and Christmas would come and go, and I'd fly home.
Ryan didn't move, either. He stood facing me with pain in his eyes, but there was hope there too, like he was waiting for me to say something more, something that would ease his discomfort. We stared at each other for a few seconds, not moving, not speaking. Tears wanted to well up in my eyes, but I blinked them back, and then I hooked my pinky around his.
"If my being around you makes this town hate you, I'll never forgive myself, Ryan."
"I told you, the gossip doesn’t mean a thing to me."
I heard what he said, but I knew he was lying to protect me. I saw his reaction to Beth's comment firsthand. He was livid. It hurt him. He was defensive and moody, and it was my fault. I brought that upon him. And if he knew what hellfire awaited him when the town found out I was pregnant with another man's baby and sleeping with him, he wouldn't want anything to do with me. That angry reaction I witnessed the other day would be nothing compared to the anguish he might go through because of me.
"Carrie, please…" he said again, almost a whisper.
I couldn't take it. My heart ached to comfort him and feel comfort at the same time. I stepped closer again and rose up on my toes to place a soft kiss on his cheek, but he turned and caught my lips with his. It was pleasant and warm, and not at all the feral, wild intimacy we'd engaged in the last time we had sex.
He pulled back and looked into my eyes for a second as if asking permission, but I was numb, wanting him to kiss me again but knowing how much he'd hurt if people knew about me. I had to protect him, but I was selfish. I wanted him too much. I let him kiss me again, and his hand rested on my hip inside my coat. The kiss deepened until our arms were wrapped around each other and I was groping for the doorknob.
Ryan backed me over the threshold into the house and kicked the door shut. His hungry kisses had me breathless and panting, but I tore at his clothes, needing to feel his skin against mine. We stumbled in the living room, banging into the coffee table and knocking over a lamp. It fell to the floor, but we didn't care. We were a tangled mess of limbs and clothes, tasting each other like we'd been apart for years, not just days.
His lips blazed a trail of heat down my neck as he knelt in front of the couch, tugging at my jeans and panties. I shivered as his tongue licked along my thighs, up toward my center, sending shivers through me. "God, I want you," he mumbled against my core before he sucked on my clit. I groaned and arched my back as he explored me with his tongue and fingers. Sensations tore through me, heightened by the risk we were taking. Mom could have followed me right home, or she could be hours more. If she walked in, though…
My entire body tensed at the thought of being caught, but instead of deterring me, it only made me wetter. The forbidden nature of our tryst added a thrilling edge to the passionate encounter. I bit my lip to muffle a moan as Ryan's tongue continued its torturous dance on my aching flesh.
"Oh God, Ryan," I gasped, my hands fisting in the cushions of the couch as I sank and spread my legs. I couldn't believe we were doing this again, let alone in my parents’ house where my mother could walk in any second. The risk of being discovered added a delicious tension to the air that made every touch, every lick, feel more intense.
Ryan seemed to sense my mounting arousal, his ministrations becoming bolder and more insistent. He knew just how to make me beg for more, and tonight―with the risk of getting caught hanging over our heads―he didn't hold back. His tongue and fingers worked in tandem, sending me writhing on the well-worn leather of the couch, my nails digging in as wave after wave of pleasure washed over me.
"Ryan," I moaned, his name a broken whisper on my lips. "I'm… I'm…" Heat pooled between my legs, and my body tensed. I couldn't take much more of this exquisite torture. I spasmed and clenched, and he growled against my sex, only spurring me on until his thrusts slowed and his licks took over again.
He looked up at me with a cocky grin on his face, and I felt giddy as the endorphins rushed through my body. His eyes darkened as he slipped a third finger inside me, curling them just right. "Come for me again, Carrie," he growled against my core before sucking at my clit again. I twitched and jolted every time his tongue flicked over my clit. It was so sensitive.
“Oh, God,” I whimpered, tangling a hand in his wavy hair. He was relentless, and I was powerless to stop him. As he continued his passionate assault, I felt myself teetering on the edge once more.
"Ryan," I whimpered, my back arching as the intense sensations swept through me again. "Oh, God, I'm going to come again… I can't… I can't…" He only sped up his thrusts, and the room spun around me as my orgasm crashed over me in an unrelenting wave. My nails dug into his scalp as my hips bucked against his face, and my release tore through me like a freight train.
Rasping for air, I collapsed against the couch, my body a quivering mess. Ryan didn't stop, though. He continued to lavish me with attention, licking and nibbling at my sensitive folds until I was boneless.
"Ry… enough!" I gasped, pushing at his shoulder. "Please, that's… too much." A blush stained my cheeks as I remembered what he'd done last time we had been together. Biting my lip, I met his hungry gaze.
He slowly wiped his face with the back of his hand then tore off his shirt. As he stood and unbuckled his slacks and stepped out of his shoes, I touched myself gently. The powerful orgasms had left me limp, but my body still craved him inside me. My fingers swirled in the mess between my legs as he shed his pants and boxers, then stroked himself a few times before kneeling next to the couch.
This time, he didn’t even mention a condom. His length plunged into me until he was buried to his balls and I was arching off the couch whimpering. “Shit, you’re so wet,” he growled and captured my lips in a kiss again. He started moving slowly at first, distracted by the way he was tearing my sweater off over my head. And when I was braless and exposed to his greedy hands, his thrusts became more urgent.
"Yes. Fuck me," I panted, twisting my hips to meet him thrust for thrust. This time, there was no pretense or teasing. This was all about the release, about staking a claim on each other when we knew we shouldn't be together in the first place.
Ryan growled and slammed into me harder, his hands gripping my hips so tightly I knew he would leave bruises tomorrow. His breathing was ragged in my ear as he pounded into me over and over again, filling the room with the scent of our union and our ragged pants.
"You feel so good, Carrie," he groaned. "So damn good."
"Christ," I gasped out, burying my face in the crook of his neck as my next orgasm began to build. Ryan's grip on me tightened, and he slammed into me even harder, his cock hitting spots deep within me that made my toes curl.
“God, I’m so close,” he grunted. His thrusts were erratic now, choppy and hard, and my body curled upward to his chest, and I felt the waves of pleasure suck me in again. I convulsed and clenched him, and when he whimpered, “Oh, yeah…” I felt his hot release spurting into me.
His thrusts continued, but slower as my body shook and jolted, and when I was calm, he pulled out. But he didn't back away. I thought he'd stand and clean up, but instead, he held me tightly against his chest and turned us so that I was straddling him on the couch. My eyes were so heavy, sex-induced drowsiness staking its claim. I draped myself over his chest and let him hold me.
All the shaking had made me so nauseous again and only served to remind me that I was pregnant and Ryan didn't want kids. This was such a bad idea for so many reasons, but right now, feeling so close to him, the only thing on my mind was how fucking bad it was going to hurt when he learned my secret and decided he wanted nothing to do with me.
"Mmm, you are incredible. Have I told you that?" His warm baritone rumbled through me, and I sighed.
"I'm so worn out." I struggled to stay awake, hardly able to keep my eyes open. "That was such amazing sex, I'm falling asleep."
My pussy felt raw from being fucked. I felt his cum dripping from me and self-consciously, I worried he'd think it was gross, but he turned me around and laid me down, then picked up my clothes and handed them to me as he pressed a kiss to my forehead.
"Let me make you a cup of coffee and we can talk."
Talking was the last thing we should do. Every time we talked, we got closer. I found out some other amazing thing about him and fell more in love, and it made me want to do stupid things like nuke my own career by saying yes to his request to stay in Evergreen Falls. But I let him walk away with his clothing in hand and I lazily dressed myself, ignoring the mess caused by our sex. I could shower when he left, but if Mom walked in and saw me naked, I was screwed.
When I had the mess on the sofa mopped up with tissues, which I piled on the end table for now, I sat back down and rested my head on the backrest. My eyes were still heavy, so I shut them and prayed the food I ate for dinner would stay down. My stomach rolled and tossed like a stormy ocean, and so did my heart.
I wanted more than anything to hold on to the love I was feeling for Ryan, for the comfort he brought me and the confidence I felt when in his arms or even around him. It felt like a fairy tale or a dream come true. But it was true what they say. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. The gutting news that Ryan didn't want children made everything else pointless. The instant he heard I was having a baby, he'd be gone, and I'd be devastated. And I didn't know if I could survive that now.