29. Carrie
29
CARRIE
M om passed the dish of mashed potatoes to me and I took them and passed them on to Dad. He was almost completely back to normal as far as speech and feeding himself. He had a bit of work to do when it came to walking yet, but it was good to see him recovering. What was less than good was how Mom invited Ryan to dinner without informing me. It was her house and her party, so she could do what she wanted, but it would have been nice to have a heads up.
He looked about as happy as I was, sullen face, furrowed brow, pursed lips. Dad even told him to stop being so grumpy, that it was Christmas, but nothing seemed to shake his mood. I tried to avoid eye contact as much as possible, but a few times, our eyes met and I almost started crying.
"So Ryan, how was your December? Did you finish the last quarter strong?" Mom took a bite of food and chewed thoughtfully as she waited for Ryan to answer. Mom and Dad had been talking a lot with only grunts or head nods from Ryan. This time, he'd have to give a complete answer, and I kept my head down to avoid making him feel whatever it was he was feeling when he looked at me.
"Yeah, well Sam's been handling those numbers for me, but I think we're doing alright. We have a sale going on the rest of this week until New Year’s, and the new models are coming in too." His voice sounded strained, heavy with emotion. I noticed the dark circles under his eyes and the puffy bags. It looked like he'd spent a lot more time awake than he should have.
"That's so good, and did you have a better year this year than last?" Mom was full of questions, probably because the awkward silence of my grumpiness and Ryan's combined made the room so tense you could pluck the air like guitar strings.
"Yes, we did. Twenty percent more profit overall." The words rolled off his tongue languidly, like sad molasses out of the jar, reluctant to be devoured.
"Well, I'm done eating," Dad said. "Let's go unwrap our gifts."
Ryan draped his cloth napkin over his half-full plate and I stared at mine, realizing I'd hardly eaten too. Though, I had an excuse and Mom wouldn't complain about my not eating. Dad knew about the baby now too, against my wishes. Mom said he had a right to know and that I was being stubborn by not telling him. It only added to the weight I was feeling tonight, and I hoped Mom and Dad didn’t bring it up.
"Well, I'll help Walt," Ryan said, standing, and I knew this was my chance to sneak in a conversation with him. I had to put him on the spot whether he liked it or not. He might be angry, but he couldn't make a scene in front of both of my parents.
"Oh, Ryan, Mom has to get Dad his medicine now. Why don't you help me clear the table and Mom can help Dad?" I stood too, still not making eye contact. I didn't want to see the storm erupt in his eyes or watch his body language shift to rigid anger.
"Yes, that sounds perfect. Thank you, Carrie." Mom stood cheerfully and walked around to Dad's end of the table. Dad looked at Ryan with a bit of frustration, but he said nothing. Mom unlocked the wheelchair and took Dad out of the room as I started stacking plates.
I felt Ryan's eyes on me, glaring, seething, radiating every ounce of anger he could in my direction. He didn't move to collect plates. He just stood there watching me as tears were welling up. I hoped he would start the conversation because if I opened my mouth, I was going to vomit. I held too much unspoken emotion to say what I wanted to say, even though I'd been the one to create this opportunity.
Working in silence, I carried a stack of plates and silverware to the kitchen sink, then returned to see Ryan had collected the serving dishes. He walked past me without speaking to me, and the icy chasm between us got wider. I picked up a few glasses and a few pieces of stray silverware and headed back, but before I got there, he was already on a return trip to grab the last few things. This wasn't working. He was supposed to want to talk to me.
"Medicine is done! We're ready for gifts in here!" Mom called from the living room, and Ryan dumped his last load and made a beeline for the living room. I washed my hands and dried them slowly. I couldn’t force him to talk, but I had one more thing I could do to at least give us a space to do so.
My stomach turned again, and I took a deep breath to control my nerves. When I walked into the living room, Ryan wasn't here. I glanced around frantically, wondering what happened, and thought he'd just left without saying anything. I was supposed to leave for Chicago in two days, and if he didn't say goodbye, I was going to be devastated. If things worked out for me in the next two weeks, I'd be moving to New York. I had to have this talk before then.
"Where'd Ryan go?" I asked casually, though I heard the emotion in my own voice as it shook.
"Oh, he had a gift he left in the car," Dad explained, and he patted the recliner next to himself. "Come sit."
I hovered at the bottom of the stairs waiting, and before I even started moving toward Dad, the door popped open and Ryan walked in carrying a large wrapped package. There was a dusting of snow on the shoulders of his button-down and his hair, and he shivered.
"Cold one out there," he said, sounding a bit more cheerful now.
"Ryan, could you help me carry my gifts down? I only finished wrapping them today. They're still in my room, and I might have to wrap one too." I bit my lip and noticed his stride slow. His shoulders dropped a notch and he scowled at me, but when Mom looked up, he faked a smile.
"I'd be happy to." His voice was tense, but that plastic smile remained. He set his gift by the tree and kicked off his shoes. Then he followed me up the stairs and with every step I took, my heart pounded harder.
When I reached for my doorknob, my hand was shaking. My palms were sweaty, my head hurt, and I thought my tongue would never leave the roof of my mouth. Ryan followed me into my bedroom and shut the door behind us, and I turned around to see his glare.
"You lied to me," he hissed, but he was smart enough to keep his voice low.
"What? No…" The words were a knife in my heart.
"You swore you couldn't get pregnant and then you did. Did you plan this? You meant to get pregnant on purpose? You thought it would be okay? Did you even think about what Kate did to me, Carrie? Did you?" His words came out in a jumbled rush, and I didn't know what to say in response.
I stammered for words as he continued the onslaught until I thought I was going to cry. I couldn’t cry. Mom and Dad thought we were just wrapping a gift and carrying presents down. If I came down with puffy eyes, they would know something was going on.
"Ryan, fucking shut up!" I whisper-shouted, and his eyes went wide. Before he could let loose on me again, I had to get it all out, and the most shocking way was the only way. He'd never shut up. He was too angry. "The baby isn't even yours!"
When I spat the words out, I wasn’t thinking. I just wanted him to know I hadn't lied to him. I would never lie to him.
But the hurt on his face gutted me. He backed toward my bed and sat down, and his face turned from hot anger to cool devastation. I realized in a split second that even if only with a tiny part of him, he wanted this baby. I saw it on his face and he didn't even have to say it to me.
"Ryan, I had a one-night stand in early October." I walked over and sat beside him, but I was careful not to touch him. "We didn’t have sex until almost Thanksgiving, and yeah, that first time, there was a slip, but before we even had sex the second time, I knew I was pregnant."
"So you…"
"So when I promised you there was no way I could ever get pregnant, I meant I was already pregnant, and I knew you couldn’t do that to me too." Tears welled up, and I couldn't stop them, but I knew Mom and Dad would probably chalk it up to pregnancy. If they questioned it, maybe I'd just tell them the truth. It wasn't like Ryan and I were moving forward. Even if he'd changed his mind and wanted kids, I was moving. I couldn't stay here.
"Carrie, I…" Ryan raked a hand through his hair and shook his head. "I didn't talk to you for so long… I thought you lied to me. I just kept seeing Kate's face. She purposefully went behind my back and stopped taking her birth control." I could see the shock and pain starting to surface, and the compassion and love he had for me was returning. It made my heart ache now, because while I wanted closure, I didn’t want my heart to get torn out again.
"It's okay. I knew you’d be hurt." I hung my head. I couldn’t look him in the eye for this part. It was going to hurt so bad. "I thought we were having a fling at first, then my emotions started getting involved and I pulled back. I didn't want to hurt you more when you found out I was actually pregnant with another man's baby and I was leaving town. Then you said you loved me and…"
"Your heart got involved?" he asked, turning to face me.
I swiped at my eyes and nodded, but I wasn't brave enough to say it. I was so in love, but my life wasn't here in Evergreen. It was in Chicago, and maybe even New York. I didn't know if I could stomach living in this town with the people and all their hatred.
"Carrie?" I heard Mom call, and I sucked in a breath.
"Can you stay after Mom and Dad go to bed? We can just tell them we're going to watch a Christmas movie and drink eggnog." I bit my lip hopefully.
"I wouldn't miss it," he said, then he cupped my cheek and kissed me softly. It made warm butterflies shoot through my body, actually calming the roiling nausea I felt. When he pulled away, he smiled more brightly than I'd seen all day, though there was still a trace of sadness there too.
"Let's get down there before they come looking." I stood and picked up a few gifts from the floor at the foot of the bed. Ryan grabbed the rest and we headed downstairs. "Sorry," I told Mom as we set the gifts under the tree, "I had to wrap two I forgot."
Mom accepted the explanation but Dad looked skeptical. I sniffled and started passing out gifts. Both Mom and Dad loved the gifts I gave them, and I felt better already. I had the nurturing support of both of my parents, and at least things were civil between Ryan and me now. I felt like if the conversation continued in a positive way, I'd be okay to leave in two days and return to Chicago. And if that job did pan out, I'd move to New York. Maybe things would work out, after all.