CHAPTER 38
Aiden
“Saw the news in the Wall Street Journal today, must feel pretty brilliant,” Ben says as he slides into the booth across from me. He points to my drink and nods for another as the waiter walks by.
“Yeah,” I say, my voice flat.
“That’s it? You zero in on the Rockfords your whole bloody life, finally take their top spot and that’s it? Yeah?”
I sigh, “Yeah.”
“You always went on and on about how you’d finally dethrone them and old man Vandy would throw you a party on the Thames.”
I snort, “He sent a bottle of wine.”
Ben’s mouth hangs open. It was surprising to me, even. How little my father cares, about the Rockfords…or about me. Someone did throw me a party, after all. In a rundown bakery in a tiny town I actually miss. Quite badly.
“Was it at least a good vintage?”
I shrug.
Ben leans in, “Right, okay, so, you’re depressed.”
“Quite possible,” I admit. He sits back, shocked. I understand his reaction, as I don’t show or admit to weaknesses. A Vanderwell should have none.
“Well, shit. Have you tried therapy?”
I chuckle, “I think the therapy is what got me depressed.”
“Thanks,” Ben says as he accepts his drink. He looks back at me and jokes, “I think maybe you’re doing it wrong, then, mate.”
I nod, “Also possible. But what I mean is he, the therapist, is helping me see just how stupid I’ve been for basically my whole life.”
Ben laughs, “Well, then I think maybe he’s doing it wrong.” I laugh too. He dips his chin, “Come on, whatsit?”
“Just the emptiness of chasing goal after goal. I’m sure your brothers and father and grandfather have faced this too.”
“This?” He asks.
“The giant gaping void one stares into after they’ve achieved their big goal and realized it was all about as exciting as a tooth cleaning.”
He gives me an exaggerated smile, “I love a good cleaning.”
“It shows, wanker.” I throw my fancy cloth napkin at his face. “You know what I mean.”
“I do. I’m sorry. Surely you’ve got another goal? Other goals?”
Just finding Harper and convincing her to date me and marry me.
I sigh again, “I’m working on that but the doc says the pattern will continue until I can figure out how to quote ‘just be.’”
“Just be? A Vanderwell could never.”
“That’s what I told him.”
Ben nods, “And what did the shrink say to that?”
“He said I should add a few more ten-thousand-dollar-an-hour sessions.”
My old friend laughs his huge, hearty, carefree cackle and I smile. I smile wider when he adds, “Guess he’s achieving his goals then, yeah?”
“Precisely,” I say into my drink.
We talk for a while about our twat fathers, our work here in the city, this posh men’s club we’re sitting in, and finally we get around to what really matters.
“So, have you called her then?”
I shake my head.
“Has she called you?”
I shake my head, this time with an additional sigh.
“Well, damn. I saw you two together, or you with her at least, and I thought you really loved her.”
“I do,” I say, rubbing at my chest. Ben freezes with his drink halfway to his mouth. I go on, “I do and it’s bloody awful. How do you live with it?”
“But Janie said you left, just like everyone else.”
“Absolutely not just like everyone else. I left because I do love her and I see her and I want the world for her and I know her well enough to know she doesn’t know if she even wants to be there or if she wants to be abroad with me and the brutal truth of it is that I only want to be where she wants to be and she doesn’t know where that is! ”
“…what?”
“Damn it, man, I don’t know. She needs to go find herself? Figure out what she wants.”
He scratches at the five o’clock shadow on his chin, “So she doesn’t want you, then? You asked her to go with you and she said no?”
“I didn’t ask her to go with me because she would have said yes.”
“Because she loves you.”
I squeeze the bridge of my nose, “Because she feels like she owes me.” He hums but I keep thinking aloud, “Or because she just wants to get out of there...or because she just wants someone to choose her after a life of not being chosen.”
“Uh, yeah, mate, wasn’t that your window of opportunity? She wants to be chosen, ergo, you choose her and stay in Juniper Falls for her. What am I missing?”
“You’re missing the part where she doesn’t actually want to stay in Juniper Falls. I don’t want to give her an excuse to stay there. I wanted her to just…be free, finally. Of everyone and everything. Even the dog, who misses her too. And...even me.”
He stares at me for a beat, “Okay, who are you and what have you done with Aiden Vanderwell. Security!” He jokes, loudly.
I shush him, “You’re like a child, truly.”
“And you are like a man in love. It’s bloody touching. I might start crying.”
I stare up at the many gaudy chandeliers and ask whatever God is up past the ceiling to grant me patience. The server comes back to relieve me—a possible immediate answer to prayer that gives me the chills—and we order some steaks.
“So, loverboy, what if she stays in California forever and never looks back?”
I drop my drink the last inch between my hand and the table, “She’s in California?”
Ben nods, “Yeah, with Janie. Went to Palm Springs first, then LA, not sure where else. I think they mentioned wine country.”
I smile wider than I have in days.
“What’s with the creepy face?” He asks me.
“She did it.”
He throws his napkin in my face, “Yeah, she left and what if she never comes back? What if you lost her forever?”
“I haven’t.”
He narrows his eyes, “You sound like your old self now.”
I cock my head, “A man can only change so much. I want her, I’ll go get her. Whenever she’s decided who she is and what she wants.”
“What about who she wants! What if she falls in love in the bloody palm trees and gets engaged to a surfer.”
“Nah, unfortunately for her, she has a type.” He raises his eyebrows, waiting. I open my hands, “Rich, adventurous wankers.”
He chuckles and rolls his eyes. “Brilliant, what about smug?” I wave him off but he goes on, “Grumpy and long in the tooth?”
“I’m not that old—”
“Bit of a munter,”
“Munter! I was on People’s sexiest man alive list a few years back, asshole.”
“Gangly.”
I push my chair back, “Let’s go up a floor and see who can bench press more right bloody now!”
He puts his hand up and laughs, and I can’t help but join him. Our food arrives so we pause, then thank the server. Then he glares at me and points his fork, “I hope you know what you’re doing.”
“Me too.”
“Damn it, Aiden you’re supposed to say,” he makes his voice gruff, “Of course I know what I’m doing I’m a Vanderwell, you wanker.”
“Sorry! Bill my therapist.”
“I will! I hear he’s good for it!”
We laugh again and eat our food and drink our whiskey. We mostly talk about his annoyingly perfect marriage. At one point we call his brothers just to remind them what big ugly knobs they are.
Lovely evening, really.
Ben stands to leave first, since he’s taking a chopper to meet Janie somewhere nearby. “I’ve got it,” I say.
“You do know my family estate is worth a good deal more than yours these days.”
“Tell me it wouldn’t feel totally and completely wrong for you to pay.”
He winces. “Yeah, would be a bit weird, wouldn’t it?”
“Get out of here,” I reply.
He gives me a small salute goodbye, then says, “You know Janie’s been posting their travels on Instagram, should you get bored.” He winks and walks away.
Instagram.
Good man, that one.
I manage to wait twenty seconds before I pull my phone out of my jacket pocket.
My breath stalls at the sight of bright red on the screen. Her hair blowing in the wind, in the sunshine, on some beach out West.
Well done, Sweetheart.
I sniff, and should probably look around to make sure no one nearby heard it. But I don’t care and I don’t know if I am even capable of looking up at this point. I don’t want to glance away from her bright smile, those brilliant eyes.
Nine days it’s been since I’ve seen her. Nine. An eternity. And I’ve no idea how much longer this will take, for her to make some decisions about herself, for herself.
I don’t really care though.
However long it takes, I’ll wait.