Chapter 15 #2
It’s silly how he’s trying to push me away by showing me he’s unworthy of my attention. Only I get to decide who I choose. Not my parents, not Titus, and maybe not even the object of my affection.
“Ah yes, I guess this means you don’t want to sit on any of these hideous ponies…” I tease, approaching the carousel, then stroke one of the wooden heads.
Snow drifts in the air as if we’re caught in a snowstorm, settling on the red-and-gold horses frozen mid-gallop, their painted eyes wide with manic joy.
Killian pushes his hands into his pocket, but approaches slowly, like a rabbit coaxed by a carrot. “I mean… it’s not like anyone can see us here…”
I can already see him riding one, rolling his eyes, pretending he’s not having the time of his life while secretly loving every second.
“You care what other people think about you? I don’t believe that!”
I brush snow from two of the wooden figures and gesture at the one closer to the middle of the carousel in an inviting gesture.
Kill bites after a full two seconds of pretending he doesn’t care, and climbs the fake pony that’s only a bit too small for him.
With a grin, I open the steering and press the on switch.
There’s a moment’s delay that has my heart in my throat, but then the lights flicker on, circus-style music starts as if it were coming from a vinyl someone stopped with their hand, and the platform jerks with a creak, starting its revolving motion.
The hesitation from earlier withers, gone in the glow of pure amazement radiating from my future husband. This is how I want him to feel all the time when I’m around. I want him safe, happy, and I want to be the Prince Charming who fulfills all his secret dreams.
And yet it’s not just for him. This is not some game where I play a fake version of myself to make him marry me for real. I love this moment too. The lights, the music, the scenery all take me on a walk down memory lane, and maybe this time everything is going to play out in my favor.
Kill sighs. “I spent half my life rebelling. When I fell for a guy at sixteen, I stuck to it even when my parents kicked me out. I got tattoos, green hair, told people what I think of them to their face, including your parents. But after a few days here, I kind of… I want at least a few people from your family to like me. It’s stupid, since I probably won’t see them again, but I like the fantasy of—anyway, you were saying that you felt lonely, and instead of following up, I talked about the carousel, sorry. This is just so fucking amazing.”
My heart throbs as I fold my long legs to fit on the wooden horse next to Killian’s. With the warm glow coming from above, everything beyond the carousel seems a bit dim, as if nighttime was already upon us, protecting this magical moment from prying eyes.
“Your family made a mistake. But mine won’t. Mother already approves of my choice of husband,” I tell him, tickling his palm with my fingertips.
He laughs almost shyly and pulls away. “Oh yeah? What does she like about me most?”
A strange tension crawls up my throat, as if a tiny octopus was trying to regain its freedom after being eaten, but I swallow it down and keep watching his handsome face. “She was always worried that I’m lonely. But I don’t feel like that when I’m with you.”
Am I working hard on wooing him into my grasp? Yes. But did I tell a single lie? No.
If anything, I’m realizing how much I need to make him mine.
“Are you sure there’s no hot mafioso out there for you who can fulfil all your dreams and handle all your secrets?” Killian’s teasing but won’t look into my eyes.
I exhale and stroke his forearm as we ride our magical horses. “I used to have a crush on one of my cousins. He was a bit of a rebel, had a mohawk, and I thought he was the coolest person I ever met,” I tell Kill, my eyes drifting to the trees as I recall the last time I rode this merry-go-round.
Kill’s face whips to me in an instant. “No! Your cousin? Which one?”
Is he jealous?
Maybe it’s immature of me, but I want him to be jealous.
“Corvus. The one in black? I almost kissed him right here, a very long time ago,” I say and lean a bit closer to Killian, my hand tight around the pole keeping my seat in place.
Kill watches me with eyes shifting from side to side as he’s digesting this information. “Do you… still have a thing for him? Is he gay?” His nostrils flare as he asks that, and he’s a bit flushed.
If I didn’t promise him not to lie, I’d manipulate the truth to get him even more jealous, but I have to stay honest.
“No, I’ve grown out of that crush. And I’m not wasting my time on closet cases like him. My tastes have matured, and I’m very particular,” I whisper, eyes locked on Killian’s.
He seems to melt like fresh snow but stays put. Should I make my move already? That would be putting all my cards on the table, and I feel just like I had fifteen years ago, on this damn carousel, waiting to be kissed. The stakes are so high. I don’t know what I’ll do if he rejects me now.
“Hope it’s not ‘cousins’,” Killian jokes to disperse the tension he must surely feel between us.
“No, this person and I are not related,” I say, leaning that bit closer as my heart pumps wildly.
With every passing day I want him more. His mouth on my dick, his wrists in my hands, his sweet little moans.
I don’t know if it’s the way he’s withholding that’s driving me mad, but I’ve never been this certain about a man.
Just as Kill opens his pretty lips, the carousel comes to a halt with an ungodly screech, and he yelps, jumping off the pony. And out of my reach. “Oh fuck! Sorry! Flashback to the saw. Can we get off?”
I reach for him, but it’s for nothing, because this carousel brings me bad luck, since I’ve had to suffer yet another fiasco.
I switch off the mechanism and join Killian by the horses. It’s difficult to not let my emotions drag me down, but I help him onto Bessie and mount Renoir before leading the way back toward the stables.
I’m feeling a bit grim, chewed up by the lust and other unnamed emotions twisting in me every time I look at Killian’s profile.
Whenever I think of the exes who abused him, I want to make them the object of my own, personal hunt.
He deserves the best, and if he could only see that the best is me, our lives would become much easier.
“But the carousel was very beautiful,” he says after a while.
“Thank you for bringing me here. And for the horse ride. And for everything. I never had the opportunity to try so many new foods, sleep in such soft sheets, or received so many gifts and attention from a man. I really appreciate it all.”
I swallow, trying to push down my bitterness, because there is a way for us to come together again. I know there is. “What about your first love? The one your parents banned you from home for?”
Killian sighs, letting out a cloud of vapor, then rubs his face.
“He cheated on me within the year. I’m obviously over that now, but he broke my heart.
I just hate the lies so much, you know? I give myself completely, but get scraps in return.
You’d think I’d be used to it by now, smarter, but I don’t do half-measures, and then I end up trusting the wrong man, too enamoured by the first hints of love. ”
Oh, now I’m angry. My chest is boiling with pure, unadulterated rage, because how dare some fuckup discard a treasure like Killian when I might not get him?
I understand why Kill might be hesitant about giving me another chance after the ordeal Titus put him through, but that doesn’t mean being rejected hurts any less.
I want to find the man who hurt him so badly and take his dick so he can never fuck again. And I’d make sure Killian never finds out what a beast I can be.
“You deserve more than that. Not scraps, not the bare minimum. It’s rare to find someone as open as you, and I am so damn jealous of that bastard. Were I your first, your heart would have never been broken.”
“What if—”
A shot rings through the air nearby, and poor old Bessie rears up. Kill screams, holding on to her neck for dear life, and I’m not fast enough to grip the lead in time. She rips out of my grasp and bolts forward with Killian on her back.