Chapter 10
T he honeymoon was like a wonderful dream.
Each day sparkled with joy as they basked in the warmth of their love.
And the cabin? It was like something out of a storybook.
Dark walls and a stone fireplace plus a darling kitchen were perfect for their first days as a married couple.
During the days, they traipsed around the property on snowshoes, falling often but laughing more.
In the afternoons, they’d get in the hot tub with just their heads and faces exposed until they were too hot and had to get out and shower together.
Which led to some afternoon bedroom time.
Evenings were spent cooking together or eating takeout from the lodge.
After dark, they poured wine and curled up in front of the fire.
One night, four days into married life, they sat on the couch holding hands. The gas fireplace cast a warm glow over the room as they shared a bottle of Washington Syrah. A small plastic tree sparkled with white lights.
“I’ve been thinking about my childhood,” Jed said, surprising her.
They hadn’t spent much time talking about his parents, almost like they had an unsaid agreement to stay away from the subject.
However, it was bound to come up. His parents, whether or not they were physically present, were part of their lives.
One never escaped their childhood. It lived inside, affecting everything one did or thought.
“I don’t know why but I can’t stop remembering things.
Moments I haven’t thought of for years and years. ”
“Like what?”
“We used to go to somewhere tropical every year. I’d spend most of the time with our nanny while my parents golfed with friends or whatever. I always dreamed of a place like this. With snow and fires at night. With family.”
“My family is yours now,” Alissa said.
“Do you think they forgive me yet? Like for real?” He let go of her hand to scoot forward for his glass of wine.
“Yes, even Stevie.” Alissa cringed, remembering the mutilated cake tops. That story would definitely become family lore. “She just loves me so fiercely and you too. We made her believe in love and when we shattered, it shattered her too.”
“I hope she’ll trust me again.” His voice shook before he took a sip from his glass, then set it back on the table. “After everything you girls went through, I hate to think I caused her pain.”
“It’s okay. That’s not how we do things in our family. We do second chances and forgiveness and a whole lot of grace. The expectation of perfection is not there. Look at how Mom reacted to my big secret. I feel dumb now.”
He brushed his knuckles against her cheek. “Until I met you, I never knew what it felt like to be safe or loved unconditionally.”
“Oh, Jed, that makes me sad.”
His eyes misted over as he moved his gaze back to the fire.
“I can remember being ten years old. My father and I were on the way home from a basketball game. I’d played poorly and he berated me the entire ten miles home.
My focus was crap. I looked like a toddler out there compared to the other kids.
I’d embarrassed him in front of the other parents.
People felt sorry for me and Marshes were never to be pitied.
By then, I’d started to cry, all slumped in the back seat.
Then, more furious than I’d ever seen him, he called me a crybaby.
” Jed’s voice cracked. “He never came to another one of my games.”
Her chest ached with pity and rage. How dare he do that to a little boy? Especially one like Jed, who Alissa knew did nothing but give one hundred percent to everything he tried. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I’m so sorry.” Tears prickled her own eyes as she tried to get control of her emotions.
“When my mom pulled that stunt before the wedding—it was like I was that ten-year-old kid again…feeling like I was a worthless piece of crap. The very last thing I wanted was to drag you into that place too. I couldn’t bear to think they’d ever hurt you like they did me.
” He turned back to her. “Your family isn’t like anyone I’ve ever known.
The way they accepted me back into the fold despite what happened.
I’m so humbled by it. So grateful.” Tears gathered at the corners of his eyes.
“Baby, I’m broken. That’s just the truth.
I’m still that little boy in here.” He tapped his chest. “I want so badly to be everything you need but sometimes I wonder if I have it in me.”
“You’re already everything to me. I don’t need you to be strong all the time.
I simply need you to be real. To choose me over everyone else.
We’re a team now. I want to see your brokenness and be there with you in the dark places.
Just as you will be there for me. Together we can make a life we’re proud of.
There will be no doubt about how much I love you or how worthy you are of my love. ”
He kissed her softly, then smoothed stray hair from her face. “You’re so good and beautiful. I’m scared all the time that I’m going to let you down. I want everything perfect for you.”
“No one’s life is ever perfect,” Alissa said.
“The beauty’s found in life’s imperfections.
When my parents died, I was devastated. I didn’t think I’d ever feel joy again.
And then Maddie found me and gave me a new home and sisters.
Out of all that tragedy—both mine and hers—grew love.
Such tremendous love from all the broken places in each of us. Together, life became beautiful again.”
“Here in this quiet place, I can see how my life has been a dead run just all the time.” He closed his eyes.
“I was tired and so weary of the rat race and expectations of my parents. Except for the moments with you, life was nothing but obligation. You gave me life. Woke me up. Made me realize what I really want.”
“What is that?”
“I want a simple life. A family with you. And I’m wondering—what if we moved here? We could be close to your family. Once we have kids, we’ll have them to share the experience with.”
“Move here? But what about work?”
“You could get a teaching job here, couldn’t you? I mean, maybe not right away but eventually.”
“What would we live on?”
He grinned. “I’ve got some money stashed away. A lot, actually.”
“But you love your house.”
“We can find something here that we like just as much. This way, we’ll pick it out together.”
“I’d like to be closer to Mom and Nan. I love the seasons and the beauty.”
“Is that a yes?”
She picked up their glasses and handed one to him. “Yes, Mr. Marsh. Here’s to the future.”
“To you, Mrs. Marsh.”
They clinked glasses but instead of finishing their bottle, they headed for the bedroom.
On the second to the last day of the honeymoon and the last day of the year, Alissa woke feeling slightly nauseous.
Her breasts were sore as well. She must be about to have her period.
When had she had the last one? She couldn’t remember, given the trauma before the wedding.
Since then, she’d been too busy loving on Jed to think of it at all.
Could she be pregnant?
She crept out of the warm bed, leaving Jed to sleep, and wandered out of the bedroom to the bathroom. Normally, coffee sounded good the moment she woke, but for some reason this morning the idea turned her stomach. Could she get into town to buy a test before Jed woke?
She mulled this idea over while brushing her teeth and changing into leggings and a sweater. Yes, she would go into town and get a pregnancy test. She was probably just late because of the stress of the wedding.
After looking in to see that Jed was still asleep, she wrote him a quick note that she was headed into town for a few things.
Then, she grabbed his set of keys and crept out of the cabin.
As she drove the icy road to town, she went back and forth.
Did she want to be pregnant? There was so much uncertainty about their life right now.
There was the house to sell back in Seattle.
Jed’s job search. Her job search. A new house. Moving.
She took in a deep breath to steady her nerves. If she were pregnant, they would deal with it. Mom would be thrilled. So would Hailey.
Feeling like a teenager, she couldn’t make eye contact with the clerk as she put the test on the counter. Why hadn’t she grabbed a few other items to make it less obvious? She scanned the other people in line, praying none of her sisters were out for an early-morning shopping spree.
All the way back to the cabin, she went back and forth on what Jed would think. By the time she entered the cabin, she’d decided there was no way she was pregnant. They used birth control. She was just late.
Jed was frying up bacon in the small kitchen. “Hey, what did you get? Pancake mix by any chance? I’m craving them.”
“Um, no.” She clutched the paper sack to her chest. The smell of the bacon was making her feel even sicker. Was she going to vomit on her honeymoon?
“What then?” He turned down the burner and strode over to where she was still standing just inside the door. “Are you all right? You have a strange look on your face.”
She dropped the sack and ran for the bathroom, narrowly making it to the toilet before she threw up. When she was done, she flushed the toilet and brushed her teeth. She looked at herself in the mirror. White as a ghost. Maybe she just had the flu.
When she returned to the main room, Jed was standing by the couch with the pregnancy test in his hand. “Alissa?” His eyes were wide and not exactly frightened but nervous. “What’s happening right now?”
“I’m late.”
He took in a deep breath. “Okay, then. So, we might have had a shotgun wedding.”
She nodded. “We might have.”
He came around the couch and thrust the test into her hands. “Do it. We have to know.”
With a trembling hand, she took the test and went back to the bathroom.
She shut the door behind her and sat on the toilet.
Her hands continued to shake as she opened the box and pulled out the small wand.
There were two in there. Good. Better accuracy.
Too nervous to pee on demand, she had to wait a moment for the stream to start, then stuck it under there.
“Are you done?” Jed said from behind the door.
“Hang on.” She set the wand on the counter, then wiped and pulled up her leggings. After washing her hands, she glanced at the wand. Two pink lines had already appeared.
“What’s it say?” Jed asked, still on the other side of the door. “Can I come in?”
“Yes, come in.”
A second later, he stood beside her, looking down at the wand. “Two lines means yes, right?”
Alissa simply nodded, her mouth too dry to speak.
“We’re having a baby.” He grinned as he wrapped his hands around her shoulders. “A baby.”
“Oh my God. A baby.”
He let out a whoop and twirled her around in a circle. “You’re having my baby.”
“Don’t. No more turning. I think I might be sick again.”
He immediately went still. She broke away and headed for the toilet. Kneeling over the porcelain god, she whispered, “Get the bacon out of the cabin.”
“On it.”