Chapter 15 #2
We went slow and gentle, positioning myself between her legs and easing myself inside her, checking every step of the way that it felt good, that she was enjoying it.
Had to change angles a couple times, adjusting how I was propped up on my knees, but I didn’t care—I’d stay here all night if it was what Bridget wanted, pleasuring her, trying every minute change of position that made her feel good.
She held onto me as I moved inside her, and her expression melted into blissful ecstasy, still giving me that adoring look the whole time, and I just thought I wanted to kiss her, hold her, to be with her—that there was nothing better than this, than her, than us.
It was a while before she was getting close, and it still felt too soon.
I added a hand on her clit, moving in quick circles, and she cried out my name as she came undone, clenching down on me, gripping tighter as her eyes finally fluttered shut, arching off the bed with the sweetest noises I’d ever heard.
She guided me onto my back once she was able to move again, propping me up against the pillows, and she lowered herself down between my legs, looking up at me as her mouth found my center, and I couldn’t believe this woman was—that Bridget was here, devoting herself to me, making me feel good with those long, perfect movements of her tongue, sucking on my clit, praising me, worshipping me with her mouth, so beautifully perfect there, so perfectly beautiful.
I came crashing into an orgasm that blossomed out through me and left me tingling in every part of my body, and when I softened again, feeling soft and gentle everywhere, she lay down gently next to me and kissed me, once, again, and again, small and sweet kisses that left my ears warm.
“You look perfect like this,” she said.
“What are you doing?” I gasped, blurting what was in my mind and was supposed to stay there. She hesitated, tensing up a little, looking at me with wide eyes, before she softened, almost defeatedly, resting her head on my collar.
“What do you think I’m doing?” she sighed. “I’m getting really, really attached to you, that’s what. Getting way over my head in feelings. Thinking stupid things I shouldn’t and wishing for stuff I shouldn’t be wishing for. Why, what are you doing?”
“Bridget…”
“I know you’re doing me, and you do it great, but aside from that.”
I groaned, burying my face in her hair. “You’re lucky you’re cute, or I’d be mad.”
“Kind of thought you’d already be mad. This was definitely a no-strings thing. And here I am! All… stringy.” She shook her head, the shorter hairs framing her face tickling my collar. “I can put it away. I know you don’t want any of that. I just… can’t pretend like it’s not there at all.”
I held her tighter against me, my heart pounding. “Bridget—look—I’m not mad at you for it or for anything.”
“Not even for leaving my vibrator in the drawer?”
“Not even for that. It’s not even that I don’t… feel that same thing too,” I mumbled, voice getting small and awkward. She tensed, perked her head up to look at me, and I averted my gaze. “It’s just that I’m not looking to do that.”
“You mean you feel the same way,” she said quietly.
“Well. I suppose it would be… inadequate to describe my feelings as purely physical. I didn’t realize how much I was just…
on the run, from one day to the next, hiding from myself, until I met you.
Until I got to stop and stand still and face myself, along with someone who wanted to give me the space to do that.
” I sighed hard, my insides a hot, tangled mess.
“Of course I feel something about all of that. But I can’t… we’re not… I’m not ready for that.”
She stared at me for a long time before, quietly, she said, “Is it because of all the slutty internet pictures?”
“No, it’s not—it isn’t that.”
“I mean, a lot of people don’t really want to date a girl whose whole pussy is just floating around on the internet. Let alone someone who continues to whisper seductively to total strangers so they can come.”
“It’s not like you’re any less able to care for me because of that. Just…” I sat up, hugging myself, and Bridget slid off of me, sitting up next to me. I turned to the window, looking at the endless stars overhead. “I don’t know what I want,” I whispered. “I’m running out of time, aren’t I?”
“What?” She shook her head. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m not in college anymore. I can’t go wandering wide-eyed, floating from place to place, trying to find myself. I should decide what I want, settle into my lifestyle, or I’ll never have the time to build it. But I’m just… I’m scared I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what to choose.”
She was quiet, studying me. I hugged my knees into my chest, buried my face against them.
“You’re… radiant, Bridget. You know what you want. You aren’t afraid of it. You live in it, own it, embrace it. I don’t know what I want to do with myself, where I want to live, what kinds of relationships I want to have in my life… and it’s too late for me to still be trying to figure that out.”
“I don’t know if too late really exists when it comes to that. I mean… people keep figuring themselves out all their lives, right?”
“I don’t know,” I said, my voice thick, and I found my face hot, tears welling up in the corners.
How ridiculous was I all of a sudden? Crying over a beautiful woman who cared about me and my future being open to whatever I wanted.
I felt so small and so scared, like a child at a theme park whose parents had disappeared, surrounded by big beautiful things and terrified of them all.
“I don’t think I’m… a good fit for you, Bridget. You know that, right?”
She sidled up next to me, slid an arm across my back, and I turned and buried myself against her, crying over nothing. She pulled me into a tight embrace, and she kissed the top of my head, caressed my hair, stroked my back while I cried against her.
“I don’t want you to figure yourself out and show up perfectly,” she whispered. “I just like spending days that have you in them. I don’t know. Can’t that be enough?”
I took a long time to respond, crying myself out, until I was dry and shaky and a little hoarse, and I shook my head against her, pulling slowly back.
“I think,” I started, and I swallowed past the dry throat and tried again.
“I think it’s this… this place. Being back around my family. It… leaves me like this.”
“Mm.” Her face fell. “You miss Seattle, huh?”
Fuck, I didn’t. Seattle was no better. I’d just been better able to hide from it in Seattle. But maybe that was all there was—that there was just something fundamentally wrong baked into me, and the best I could do was hide from it. “Don’t know,” I said thinly. “Miss… not being here, I think.”
“Yeah.” Her voice was taut, and I tightened when I realized what I’d said.
“That’s not about you—”
“I know.”
“Bridget.” I pulled back, looking at her. “I’m sorry, that came out wrong. I miss being…” God, I didn’t know what.
“My feelings aren’t the important ones here. I’m just worried about you,” she said, her voice distant, closed off. I swallowed hard, shaking my head.
“I mean—”
“I’m sorry, I just need to go to the bathroom,” she said, standing up, and I moved without thinking—I’d always done too much thinking—I caught her by the arm, and I pulled her back into me, where she stumbled back and fell onto the bed, sending me tumbling onto my back with Bridget wrapped up in my arms, her hair flopping around my face as we both had the wind knocked out of us.
“Sorry,” I said. “That was more intense than I meant to—”
“Oh my god, be careful with doing that,” she said, her voice urgent.
“Sorry—did I hurt you?”
“No—just—turned me on, it’s really hot when you get forceful.”
I stared at her for a second before I snorted, something relaxing in my chest, and I buried my face against her. “I’ll take care of that, if you like.”
“I don’t think you’re in a good emotional state for that,” she said, with a tone like she didn’t really want to protest it.
“No. But I feel more stable around you, so…” I moved again, rolling her onto her back, shoving her down into the bed and pinning her by the shoulders, and she lit up, that glow coming back into her eyes as a smile played on her lips. “Bridget,” I said, straddling her.
“Wow. Yeah?”
“I’m sorry I’m like this.”
“Pushing me down in the bed and straddling me naked?” She put a hand to her chest. “I forgive you.”
I laughed. “I have enough awareness to know not to apologize for that. Sorry I’m such a mess. Would it be unfair to you if we kept doing this? Even knowing I can’t stay like this?”
She looked at me with wide eyes for a long time before she said, “Would it be unfair to you for me to agree to that knowing I’m still going to be doing everything I can to change your mind? Because, like… I’m not confident I can keep it cool and behave myself well.”
Dammit, she really was perfect. I bent down and kissed her, and I held it for a long time before I said, “I think that’s fair.”
The part I kept to myself was that, I think on some level, I was hoping she’d succeed anyway.
“Then fair’s fair,” she said, caressing my back. “Now, um… not to ruin an important moment, but, er…”
She squirmed a little bit, moving her leg, and I grabbed her by the thigh and shoved her hard into the bed. She arched off the mattress.
“Oh—wow,” she said, eyes wide.
“Stay put and let me work out my feelings on your body,” I said, voice low, and she clasped a hand over her mouth.
“Holy shit. Wow. You got it. All yours.”