Chapter 3
THREE
The following evening, I am at the airport. I spoke to my dad again this morning and he still didn’t mention anything at all about the stroke. He is the most stubborn of old goats, it seems. His refusal to even tell me made me more determined, and I booked onto the next available flight.
I’ve told the temping agency that I am away for an unspecified amount of time, and set the email of my baking business up to reply to queries with a message explaining I’m temporarily unavailable.
I’m glad I got to finish off my last project at least – a giant sponge diplodocus for a dinosaur-crazy eight-year-old’s birthday party. That was a lot of fun.
Now, I am here, ready to fly to another country, and my own past. I am nervous, but it is the right thing to do – and right now, my nerves are completely over-shadowed by Tyler’s.
We’re standing together near the check-in desks, and he is clearly stressed.
His hands are shoved in his pockets, and his eyes are darting around as though he’s looking for an escape route.
‘Are you all right?’ I ask, seeing how pale he looks. ‘I know you don’t like flying, but does even being in an airport get you this wound up?’
Tyler had asked if I wanted him to come with me to the UK, which I appreciated as the noble gesture it was.
The man is truly terrified of flying, which is a slight glitch in the whole superhero thing.
He has never even left North America because of his phobia, and says he never really felt the need – it’s big enough and varied enough that you can feel like you’re in a whole different world just by using trains and driving.
He’s travelled extensively in Mexico and Canada, and all over the USA, visiting every state apart from Hawaii and Alaska.
Offering to come with me was touching, but it also didn’t feel quite right.
Maybe there will be a time to meet my parents, but this isn’t it – this will be challenge enough for me, never mind adding in a boyfriend who may or may not have a meltdown on the plane journey over.
Besides, I’m just not ready for that step yet – it would be relatively easy to introduce him to my mum and Ethan, but I haven’t.
For the time being, I am happy taking it slow and steady, building up my ability to trust in love.
Looking back at last Christmas and my tearful encounter with Santa, my unsatisfying job and equally unsatisfying encounters with men from dating apps had left me strung out and close to the edge.
I felt empty, hollowed out, lonely. And I had no faith in my ability to ever not feel any of those things.
I have worked hard in the last year to become, as they say on TV shows, a better version of myself. Tyler has helped with that, but I am still not quite as committed as he, and maybe I, would like.
‘Um, yeah actually,’ he replies, gazing around at the usual airport sights – the digital boards showing the departures and arrivals, groups of harassed-looking people, armed guards, long lines.
‘Even being here has this effect on me. I’m sorry.
It’s not an attractive quality is it? Definitely putting a dent in my alpha male image… ’
I smile and stand on tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek. ‘Alpha males are over-rated, babe. You have other qualities.’
‘You mean my boudoir skills?’ he replies, raising his eyebrows at me and then winking. ‘I know, I know, I’m an amazing lover…’
‘You ain’t too shabby in the sack, pal, that’s for sure. Now, why don’t you get going? I’m fine here.’
In truth, I actually love airports. I always get to them way earlier than I need to, because I love the whole vibe.
The hustle and bustle, browsing all the different shops, looking at all the amazing-sounding destinations that come up on the boards.
Give me a café to sit in while I people watch, and I could spend the whole day in an airport.
Tyler, poor man, clearly does not feel the same.
‘Okay, Ellie, I think I might, if you’re sure you’re okay? That suitcase is pretty damn big though… you might need my macho muscles to carry it for you.’ He winks again, and I have to laugh.
‘That would be true if not for the fact that it’s on wheels, and even a little lady like me is capable of pushing it – I’m fine, honestly!
Thanks for driving me, that was a huge help.
I’ll miss you, and the dogs. And now I won’t be able to bake you those special cinnamon Christmas cookies in the shape of stars I thought you’d love… ’
‘You can do them when you’re home. I’m good with a late Christmas. We’ll miss you too. I… uh, I actually wanted to ask you something before you leave…’
He looks even more nervous now, and my own knuckles turn white as I grip the handle of my luggage. ‘You’re not about to go down on one knee and propose like we’re in a rom com are you?’ I ask. The thought makes me breathless, and not in a good way.
He grimaces, then laughs. ‘Ah, no – I wasn’t going to do that!
But now I feel like what I am going to say is a real anti-climax in comparison!
I was going to say that I think we should give some serious thought, when you’re back, to moving in together.
I… look, I know you’re still not sure, Ellie.
No, don’t protest, we both know it’s true – and I get it, I really do.
Life has really done a number on you, and I know you dated a string of assholes.
But I’m not one of them, and I want to be clear about that.
I love you, Ellie, and I want to take the next step. There. Cards on the table.’
He makes a gesture, like he’s laying down cards, and I stare at him, silently.
New Jersey is not that far away. Thousands of people commute from there into the city every single day.
It would not be a huge upheaval, I know.
But I also know that even if Tyler lived in the next block to me, I might still feel this strange and annoying reluctance.
I call it reluctance. I think a better term right now would be massive paralysing panic.
I suck in a big gulp of air and try to reply.
But each time I open my mouth to speak, no words emerge – instead, I just make a kind of weird ‘bleeurgh’ noise, more of a grunt than a sentence.
I get redder and redder as I just about manage to form his name in front of the grunt.
I feel like I’m actually choking here, and wonder if someone might run over and offer to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre on me as I splutter.
Tyler stares at me, and shakes his head. He lays one hand on my shoulder and squeezes gently. ‘Just breathe, Ellie. Come on now. In through the nose and out through the mouth…’
He does it with me, and after a few deep breaths I regain control over my senses. ‘So,’ he says, grinning, and thankfully looking amused rather than devastated. ‘I think that went well, don’t you? That was a much less spectacular panic attack than I expected…’
‘I’m sorry,’ I say, slapping myself on the forehead.
‘I’m rubbish. You know that already. And even if it’s cheesy, you get that the whole “it’s not you it’s me” line is totally real here don’t you?
I think you’re great, and I hate the thought of not being with you – but I still don’t know how I feel about sharing my life and my space.
That probably makes me an asshole, but I don’t want to lie.
Look, I’m going away to literally the other side of the world – I suppose this gives us both the opportunity to think about things?
You as well as me. I mean, I’m not exactly the catch of the century… ’
‘I don’t need to think any more,’ he says. ‘You are bat-shit crazy and I know that. It’s all been factored in.’
‘Did you set up a spreadsheet?’
‘Don’t be silly. I coded my own algorithm.
Look, you’ve always been up front with me, and I owe you the same.
I want you to move in with me – when you’re ready.
There’s no deadline on that. This isn’t an ultimatum, it’s a declaration.
I wanted to get it out there in the open properly, rather than dropping hints – we’re not kids, either of us, so what’s the point in playing games? Just promise me you’ll consider it.’
I pull his head down towards mine, and hold his face between my palms. ‘I will most definitely consider it. Now shut up and kiss me – give me something to remember you by on this long and boring flight!’
He follows those instructions to the letter, and when he finally waves me goodbye, he leaves me with a spring in my step and a smile on my face.