Chapter 11 #4
It hasn’t escaped my attention that he said his wife was Danish. I have no clue what that means, or if it was a figure of speech, and I wait to let it unfold.
‘Nice. Friendly. Plus the language is frankly hilarious – you’d have laughed your arse off, and spent ages doing impressions of the Swedish Chef from the Muppets.’
‘I would not!’ I reply, outraged. ‘That would be culturally inappropriate!’ I pause for just the right amount of time, then add: ‘Bork, bork, bork!’ in a silly voice.
Because his siblings ran in ages from Sean through to Cormac, who is in his mid-fifties, the Byrne house was a treasure trove of entertainment.
It didn’t matter what was in fashion, we watched whatever old VHS videos were available – and the Muppets was a particular family favourite.
‘What happened?’ I say gently. ‘With Anna?’
‘She died,’ he replies simply, his voice rough with emotion.
‘That’s why she wanted to go home. It was almost four years ago now.
We had our last Christmas together as a family in the town where she grew up, just outside Copenhagen, and we lost her in the January.
We spent New Year’s Eve in hospital, watching the fireworks from her room.
The twins crashed out asleep on bean bags.
Bella curled up at the bottom of the bed.
Everyone pretending that they were enjoying it, all of us heartbroken.
It was… dreadful, really, but it’s one of the last vivid memories I have of her, you know?
While she was still her. Before the pain and the drugs and the fading of the light took her away from us. She passed away two days later.’
It’s my turn to reach out, and yet again we are holding hands. It still feels natural. It’s like we were never apart. ‘I’m so sorry, Liam. I really am. I bet she was amazing.’
‘She was,’ he replies, smiling at the memory.
‘I met her in Sydney. She ran the PR company that represented my first business venture. She was nine years older than me, and already had Bella. Bella was six – the same age as the twins now. Her dad wasn’t on the scene, never had been, and she…
well, they came as a package deal, and I was more than happy with that.
I loved being Bella’s father, and Anna’s husband, and then when Alex and Alice came along, it was perfect.
The business was booming, we had each other, we had freedom and love and so much laughter… and then we didn’t.’
I am doing the maths in my head; the twins were around two when it happened. When they lost their mum.
‘The twins barely remember her,’ he goes on to say, as though reading my mind.
‘They didn’t understand what was happening.
It was awful, but sometimes I wonder if maybe it was easier for them because they were so young.
They don’t really know what they’re missing, and obviously with my family there isn’t exactly a shortage of love and support. Bella… well, that’s different.’
Yes, I think. Very different. Losing your mum as a teenager is a vicious blow, and not the kind of wound you recover from overnight.
‘How has she been since?’ I ask, already knowing that the answer isn’t Great, thanks.
‘Up and down, obviously. I don’t think there’s ever a good time to lose your mum, but thirteen is definitely not it.
We stayed in Copenhagen for a bit, then went back to Sydney.
She was getting into trouble at school, dumped her friends, started getting into all kinds of scrapes.
Some of it was the loss, some of it was just Bella being Bella – she’s always been, uh, strong-willed?
Which I don’t say as a criticism, just as fact.
She kind of reminded me of you actually. ’
‘Good Lord, she was that bad?’
He laughs, and we both needed it. A lame joke but one that at least breaks the tension.
‘In the end we moved to Dublin – this was about a year and a half ago. Felt like we all needed a fresh start. I had offices there, not that I really need to work anymore, and it meant we were close to this place. To St Tilda, and my tribe. Being around all her cousins, being around my parents, is good for her. You know what Bernadette is like.’
‘Like a fairy godmother and The Godfather wrapped up in one package.’
‘Exactly. She’s kind and big-hearted, but she also takes no shit, and Bella needs that. When did you meet her anyway?’
I realise that my fingers are still wrapped around his, and disengage on the pretext of patting Ralph’s furry head.
‘Unofficially last night, when I saw her hanging around the bus stops. Can you believe the youth of today?’
‘I know. Bus stops? Disgusting! You’d have thought they’d have found somewhere better by now. And officially?’
‘Officially this morning, down at the beach.’
Something in my tone must give me away, and he sighs, puffing out a big gust of breath. I can feel the tension in him, and it is contagious. ‘Go on, Ellie. Whatever it is, I’d better know.’
I nod and give it to him straight. ‘She walked into the water, Liam. She didn’t know I was there because she had her headphones on, and she walked right in.
At first I just watched, but in the end I…
Well, I kind of went in after her. Told her she had to come out, or I was staying with her.
Once we were out, I took her back up to the inn and got her dried off, gave her a change of clothes.
She insisted she was just going for a swim, and that she was a strong swimmer.
By the time we got to your folks’ house she seemed quiet but relatively okay. ’
I leave it at that because, truthfully, that is all that happened. There is nothing to be gained here by me giving my opinion or adding to his worries – he knows her better than I do, and he has lived with her since she was little. He closes his eyes for a moment, processing it all.
‘Well, first of all thank you, Ellie. For going in to get her, and helping her afterwards. And she is a good swimmer, but that was still a stupid and dangerous thing to do. I don’t think she’s…
looking to end it all or anything – but I don’t ever really know.
She’s had therapists, and I try talking to her, but she’s…
Well, she’s seventeen. Sometimes she opens up to me, sometimes she treats me like I’m the enemy. ’
‘Because that’s how it feels to her, Liam.
Even without losing her mum, she’s going through that stage where she’s finding her own identity, breaking away from you.
It’s completely natural and normal. But if you throw in the trauma as well, the upheaval, then it’s even more difficult. I just wanted to tell you about it.’
He nods and pats his lap. Ralph jumps up on it and licks his face. ‘Yeah, I’m glad you did. I’ll talk to her. Any advice?’
‘I don’t feel I’m in a position to offer advice, Liam. I barely know her. Let’s be honest I barely know you these days…’
He smiles, and it warms my heart to see how genuine a smile it is. The years melt away from us both, and this new, sensible, inner-peace-seeking Liam co-exists with my old friend.
‘I’m not sure that’s true,’ he says. ‘Yes, we have a lot to catch up on, but we’ve still got the same hearts. The same souls.’
It should sound corny, but somehow it doesn’t. All I can do is nod. He’s right. This all feels natural, the way we have picked up where we left off. He has changed, but he is still him.
‘Okay. I’d say don’t make a huge deal out of it, then, Liam.
Be clear that she has to talk to you about it, and dig as deep as you can into what her motivations are, but don’t let it escalate.
You want her to open up, not shut you out.
She’ll be looking for any opportunity to make you the enemy, to close down, so try not to give her one.
Don’t get sucked into her drama, because she’ll use it to deflect from what’s actually going on. ’
‘A bit like the last time we spoke?’ he asks, a gentle smile on his lips. ‘When you goaded me into calling you names?’
‘A moody cow, to be precise,’ I say, sighing a little.
‘And yes, exactly like that. I’m sure you’re right, she wasn’t trying to actually kill herself – but she was being careless with her own safety.
She really didn’t seem bothered about the potential danger she was in.
Now, I know she’s not your biological daughter, but you yourself know a thing or two about that – the crazy shit you got up to at her age?
But that felt different. You did it because it gave you a kind of high.
Bella did not look like she was doing this for a high. ’
He listens and takes it all in, nodding as he cuddles the dog into his chest. I can’t imagine how hard all of this is for him, navigating not only his own grief, but that of his own young children and a teenage girl.
‘On the bright side,’ I add, ‘she does now have my old Nirvana T-shirt.’
‘Your smiley face one? Oh, there’s no way you’re getting that back unless you do a ninja raid on her room.’
I frown, giving this some consideration.
‘I think I could pull that off. It’s a bungalow after all.
But… well, maybe it’s better she has it.
It was just sitting in my old wardrobe gathering dust. Smelling more like mothballs than teen spirit.
Right, I’d better make a move. I’m meeting my dad for lunch. ’
Liam puts Ralph down on the floor, and we make our way back down all the stairs. I still can’t quite believe what he’s done with this house, and the way he has changed. It’s not just Rosings that has been completely transformed.
‘Did you know that Maggie’s bakery now has a café in the back?’ I ask, eager to share this wondrous knowledge.
He grins at me. ‘I did. In fact I invested in it. Seemed like a force for good to have more of Maggie’s cakes in the world. Especially her black forest gateau.’
‘God, yes…’ We both pause and pay silent homage to the glories of that particular cake.
I can almost still taste its chocolatey cherry goodness.
‘So, you built your mum and dad a new house, you bought Rosings, you’re investing in bakeries…
and you said earlier that you didn’t need to work anymore.
Can I ask, Liam – are you a billionaire these days? ’
I raise my eyebrows as I speak, intrigued at the possibility that I am actually now meeting one for real.
And he is definitely smoking hot. He is and always will be very firmly in the friend zone – in fact going on previous patterns once I go home I won’t see him again for twenty years – but still, it’s a fun idea.
‘It depends on the currency,’ he replies smoothly. ‘But I’ve done okay for myself. What about you?’
‘I’m possibly a billionaire if the currency is sugar granules.
Or dust bunnies, I have a lot of those stashed under my bed.
I’m… also okay. I have a job I don’t mind.
I’m also doing some baking, professionally, and really enjoying that.
I guess I’m a work in progress. I, uh, got divorced a few years back. ’
‘I heard that,’ he says, which kind of freaks me out. I don’t know why. Just because I’m a psychopath who refused to hear news from home, not everybody had to be. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be,’ I say, as he walks me outside.
Ralph runs over and pees on one of Queen Mildred’s tyres, then looks at us triumphantly.
‘He wasn’t right for me, and I certainly wasn’t right for him…
and it was a long time ago. Since then, I guess I’ve been a bit up and down.
Came close to crashing this time last year, truthfully – for no reason other than cumulative fatigue and unhappiness.
I cried into Santa’s beard in Macy’s and told him I hated my whole world. ’
‘Ouch. I’m sorry for that too. Not to sound like someone off a reality TV show, but life is a journey, isn’t it? When you’re young you think everything will be sorted when you’re an adult, you think everything is simple. Then you get here, and it’s actually even more complicated.’
He gazes off down the hill, and I want so much to hug him.
‘What about now?’ he asks. ‘How are you now?’
I feel like a fraud for daring to discuss my own pathetic problems when he has dealt with such real ones, but he doesn’t seem to feel like that. He sounds genuinely interested.
‘Now, I guess I’m still trying to figure out what I want from life.’
‘And what is that?’
I glance at him, and then at the spectacular view. The winter sunlight shimmering on the waves, the infinity of the ocean.
‘I’m not entirely sure yet. Like I said, work in progress. But cake is a good a start as any.’