Chapter 13 #2
I’m then sucked into the whirlpool of Byrnes and swept into the grand room at the front of the house.
I see a few of the older brothers are here too, along with Lucy from the café, and even more faces that I don’t recognise.
I am gripped by a familiar sense of both belonging and being apart.
Again, I am the only child plunged into the family chaos – I always wanted to be around them, these people, but I also always felt so different to them.
‘Here you go, Ellie!’ Cara announces, presenting me with my own sweater.
It’s decorated with the face of my close personal friend Mr S.
Claus. I slip it over my head, and Cara flips my hair out for me, smoothing it down with a slight tut.
She looks spectacular, her hair shining and coiffed, her slim figure somehow managing to make her sweater look stylish.
Music is playing from a speaker, and a tray full of pastries and sandwiches has been set up on a table.
Mainly, there is booze – endless bottles of booze.
Wine, spirits, beer, Baileys. And from the faces of quite a few of the people in the room with me, they’ve already started.
I accept a small glass of red from Bernadette, insisting I’ll keep it to just the one because I have to work later.
‘Ach, you work in a pub, Ellie, nobody will care if you’ve had a few wee glasses now!’
She’s probably right, but I still feel the need to keep my wits about me.
There’s the walk back down the hill for a start.
I see Bella sidling towards the drinks table and laugh as Bernadette fixes her with a soul-withering glare.
The teenager wrinkles her nose and mutters something under her breath.
‘Swearing in Danish is still swearing, Miss Bella!’ she says, arms crossed over her narrow chest, her tone not one that a sane person would disagree with. I raise my eyebrows and shoot Bella a sympathetic look.
‘You okay?’ I ask, walking towards her.
‘Well, I haven’t jumped off a cliff or walked into the sea again, if that’s what you mean.’
‘That’s a pretty low bar, but better than nothing I suppose. Bernadette is a hard one to fool, isn’t she?’
Bella sighs in frustration. ‘God, yes! She’s unreal. I only have to think about doing something wrong and she gives me that look, you know? I really want to tell her to feck off but…’
‘You’re terrified of her?’
‘Yes. And also I don’t really want to let her down. It’s a weird mix. I have your Nirvana T-shirt on beneath this reindeer.’
‘Right. Well, you can borrow it for Christmas. My boobs are too big for it these days anyway.’
She stares at my chest, and nods. ‘Do you want to meet the twins?’
It’s an unexpected segue, but I nod and she calls them over.
I don’t know how they hear her over the music and the chatter and the laughter; it must be on some wavelength that only siblings can hear, like dogs and high-pitched whistles.
The two youngsters run towards us, pushing and shoving each other in an attempt to get there first. Their blonde hair is wild, their blue eyes pale and piercing.
Bella has the same eyes, and if I had to guess, I’d say she’s probably a natural blonde beneath that black box dye.
‘Alex and Alice, this is Ellie,’ Bella says. ‘She knew Dad when he was little.’
‘Was he naughty?’ Alex asks. ‘Did he used to get in trouble?’
Alice remains quiet, but stares at me with interest.
‘He did,’ I reply. ‘He was a bit of a daredevil. He liked skateboarding and climbing trees and doing things that his mum thought were dangerous. He ended up in the emergency room at the hospital at least three times a year.’
Their eyes go wide, and Bella snorts in satisfaction. I suspect I’ve just given her some ammunition.
Alice reaches up and slides her hand into mine. ‘I like your hair. It’s shiny. Do you want to help us decorate the tree now?’
And just like that, I seem to have passed some kind of test and been found worthy.
She leads me away through the crowd to the corner of the huge room.
The tree is magnificent, one of the biggest I’ve ever seen outside a shopping mall, and the space around it is littered with boxes full of baubles, tinsel and string lights.
All of the children are involved, and so far the only discernible theme is ‘chaos’.
I laugh at the mismatched colours and the way that some branches are completely covered and some are almost bare.
‘I know,’ Liam says, appearing next to us. I still can’t get used to how much taller he is than me these days. ‘It’s not going to make the cover of Homes and Gardens is it?’
‘No, but who cares about that? This is my kind of tree! Alice, come on, let’s get stuck in! I can hold you up so you can start on the bits higher up…’
She lets out a little whoop, and together we plunge right in.
It’s a lot of fun, and along the way I get to know the rest of the children, as well as some newly added Byrne family spouses who were after my time.
My one little glass of wine turns into two, and the time passes quickly.
As the kids and I tackle the tree, others get to work on the rest of the room.
The music continues, and during the livelier tracks an impromptu dance floor springs up in the middle.
Who’d have thought that you could do an Irish jig to the Black Eyed Peas?
I spot Liam off to one side of the room, a glass of whiskey in his hand, a slightly wistful look on his face as he watches what you would have to call ‘the shenanigans’. I sidle over to him and bump him with my hip.
‘Penny for them,’ I say, wiping a sheen of sweat from my face.
‘Not worth that much,’ he replies, sounding sad.
He’s staring at the twins and Bella, who are dancing in the middle of the circle, surrounded by their extended family.
Bella has tied tinsel around her forehead like a bandana, and the twins are holding her hands, whirling around her and laughing.
It’s a happy scene, but every Christmas without their mum must also feel bittersweet.
He shakes his head, as though clearing it.
‘Ignore me,’ he says. ‘I’m really pleased you came.’
‘Me too. My dad told me about the inn, by the way. About you possibly buying it?’
‘Ah. I was wondering if he would. And if you’d hate me for it.’
I frown, confused. ‘I might be a moody cow, but why would I hate you? I’m assuming you made him a fair offer?’
‘More than fair actually,’ he says, grimacing a little.
‘Something about this place over-rides all my business sense. It’ll be years before I see a return on the café, this house is a money pit, and the inn…
well. The inn has potential, but it’s not there yet.
Do you want to come out to the woods with me and Ralph? I think he needs a pee…’
‘Wow, what a tempting offer. Can I watch?’
‘No, you perv,’ he replies, heading through to the back of the house, both me and the dog at his heels. ‘He’s a very private dog.’
He passes me a fleece that was hanging on the back of the kitchen door, and it makes my nostrils flare as I slip it on. Just like him and the shortbread. It smells of him, and it is very nice.
As soon as we’re outside, Ralph cocks one of his short legs and lets out a powerful stream against a tree trunk. I swear to God he looks like he’s smiling while he does it. I raise an eyebrow, and Liam laughs.
‘Yeah, well. Maybe he’s not that private after all. Walk with us?’
I nod, and we head into the woods that surround Rosings. It’s still pretty wild out here, dense with gnarled roots and knotted branches, the ground scattered with patches of snow. In summer, when we used to illegally invade, there was such a thick canopy overhead that you couldn’t even see the sky.
‘I was thinking of staying,’ he says, unexpectedly.
‘Here, I mean. In St Tilda. Dublin has been great, but the kids are so much happier when we’re here.
Even Bella, although it might not look it.
Or even if she’s not happy, she’s at least less alone, you know?
Or maybe I just need the help, and I’m being selfish. ’
‘There’s nothing selfish about needing help, Liam. The way you grew up – it was kind of great, wasn’t it? Apart from the lack of bathrooms…’
He nods, and grins. Ralph attacks an especially dangerous-looking mound of earth, digging at it with his paws like he’s searching for buried treasure.
‘It was great. I was certainly never lonely. I always had someone around, even if they were holding me down and spitting in my face. Bella needs that – not the spitting, but the company. The distraction. Bernadette bossing her around. So do the twins. And maybe… maybe so do I. Would that be weird, moving home after all this time?’
‘Yeah,’ I say, pulling a disgusted face. ‘Weird and tragic. It’d make you a complete loser.’ I complete the insult by making an L for Loser sign on my forehead with my fingers.
‘I may be a loser, but you’re an arsehole, Ellie de Vere.’
‘I know. A massive one. It’s a gift. And no, seriously, it wouldn’t be weird.
You know your children best. And what you need matters too, Liam.
None of this can be easy for you. Raising them alone, missing her the way you obviously do…
if coming home would help, then you should do it. I completely understand the appeal.’
He nods, and we continue on a little loop through the forest. I can hear the twitter of birdsong, and a flock of finches lifts into the sky above us in a flash of green and yellow. They’re almost unbearably pretty against the pale blue, and I smile as I stare up at them.
‘I’ve struggled, I suppose,’ he says, as the birds disperse.
‘I have my work, and the children, and the family. That’s pretty much enough for any sane man.
But being brutally honest, I’ve felt a bit hollow since we lost her.
I’m keeping busy, and I have a lot to be grateful for, but still…
None of this has been easy. It just feels slightly easier when I’m here, and they certainly seem happier.
Though part of me wonders what will happen if I stop worrying about the kids. ’
‘Because then you’ll have to start worrying about yourself?’
He rolls his eyes. ‘Yes! God, that sounds so lame, doesn’t it? You’re right. I’m a loser. Let’s stop talking about it before my ego shrivels up completely. What about you? Not tempted to give St Tilda another chance?’
‘It was never my idea to leave, you know that. But now, my life is in the US. My job. My social life.’
‘Your boyfriend with the dog?’
‘Yes. Tyler.’
‘Is it serious?’
I chew my lip and kick a pile of crinkled leaves up in a cloud. ‘I don’t know. I’m… I’m not great at these things. I suspect I may have issues.’
‘Don’t we all? Look, I know it was a million years ago, but I need to apologise.’
I look up at him, and those gorgeous hazel eyes of his are on mine. I’m still not used to it – seeing the eyes of the boy in the face and body of the man. ‘For what?’
‘For that night on the beach.’
I hold my cheeks in my hands and feel the blush creep over my skin. ‘Oh, God. Please don’t. I never, ever want to think about it ever again!’
He stands in front of me and gently pulls my hands away from my face.
‘You have nothing to be embarrassed about, Ellie. I’ve thought about it so much over the years, you know? I’m glad it didn’t happen.’
I nod, unable to formulate words. So am I, but I really don’t want to rake it all up again.
‘You were drunk and upset. You were looking for reassurance, not sex. I’m an adult now, and I see that – but I was a kid back then, and it scared the living hell out of me.’
‘Scared you?’ I ask, finally meeting his gaze. ‘I was that repulsive?’
He is still holding my hands, I notice. I should probably do something about that.
‘The opposite. We’d been friends for so long, hadn’t we?
Partners in crime, and not a hint of romance between us.
Then that night, when you kissed me, I realised that I wanted so much more than friendship…
in my own messed-up adolescent boy way, I realised I saw you as a lot more than a mate.
And that’s what scared me. You were leaving for America, and I knew you didn’t mean it anyway.
I was a spotty little kid with a crush, and I had no way of articulating any of it.
I know I hurt your feelings and I’m so sorry.
I’m sure you haven’t given it a second thought in your new life, but I had to say it. ’
Haven’t given it a second thought? How wrong he is.
I stand here with him now, as a gentle flurry of snowflakes drifts down through the bare tree tops, and I feel so many things all at once.
It’s too complicated to even try and explain.
The reason I have blanked him out of my life for so long is because that rejection, at a time when I was so vulnerable, has stayed with me.
I left this place feeling like the two most important men in my life – Liam and my father – didn’t need me or want me.
‘I have thought about it,’ I say quietly.
‘And thank you for the apology, even if it isn’t necessary.
I… I don’t know what to say really. You did the right thing, but it did hurt.
I’m sorry I cut you out afterwards. It was…
well, I was going to say childish, but I think that’s allowed isn’t it?
We were younger than Bella is now. We weren’t wise or experienced.
We were kids, feeling our way through a difficult time in our lives.
We did the best we could. I’m glad this happened though, Liam. I’m glad I’ve seen you again.’
A fat snowflake lands right on the end of my nose, and he grins as he wipes it off.
‘I’m glad too, Ellie. Now I’d better get you back inside before you turn into an icicle.’
There’s no chance of that, I think. I’m feeling really quite warm.