Chapter 14 #2
He nods and continues. I have an idea where this is going to end, and wonder why I’m pushing to hear it – how will it help either of us? It’s too late to change my mind now, though. He looks determined to see this through.
‘So, long story short, sweetheart, I turned into that most despicable of clichés – a mid-life crisis on legs. I had an affair with a former colleague from London. It was meaningless, really, but it did go on for a long time. I think if it had been some silly one-night stand your mother might have forgiven me, but it was worse than that. It was over a year of me making up excuses to go back to the city. Buying trips, conferences, my sister. All fictional, as she eventually found out. I broke her heart, darling, and in doing so, I broke my own. I broke our whole family.’
I am not an idiot. I have known, deep down, that it must have been something like this.
It was so sudden, so vicious. So irrevocable.
I have always looked back at myself with pity, and at my father with sympathy for being left alone.
I love my mother and Ethan, but I don’t think I ever quite understood what she’d been through.
She did a very good job of hiding all of this from me, of burying the pain he must have caused her.
Of dealing with my tantrums and my abuse and holding steady and calm, even though she must surely have been screaming inside.
I watch the waves crash in against the rocks, wishing I could go back in time.
Behave better. Show her that she was still appreciated.
I have been cheated on myself, and it almost destroyed me.
She must have felt even worse, with a child to consider, and a husband who had been unfaithful for so long.
No wonder she has always adored Ethan, with his steady heart and his gentle devotion to her. To us.
‘You’re very quiet, Ellie. Should I not have been honest? It’s not always the best policy…’
I pat his hand, and kiss him on his cold cheek. His voice is weak, and he is not a well man. ‘No, Dad. It’s okay. I can feel sorry for Mum and still love you, can’t I?’
‘Of course. You should also know this, though, because it might explain some of what happened, some of what you overheard. Even after she found out, I went on the offensive. Instead of apologising and begging forgiveness, I attacked. I always used to do that, when I knew I was wrong – and what I’d done of course was completely indefensible.
It presented me with an image of myself that I very much did not want to confront, so I tried to shift some of the blame onto her.
That was one of my many mistakes. That, and letting you go so easily.
I’m so sorry, darling. I know how difficult it all was for you. ’
I nod, because it was. There is no way to deny that, no matter how kind I want to be.
‘Why didn’t you, Dad? Fight for me, I mean? Okay, so maybe I get that you couldn’t cope with raising me alone, I know I was difficult – but why didn’t you visit, or have me back for summers? It all felt so… final. Like you didn’t want me anymore.’
Tears shine suddenly in his eyes, and he bites his lip.
He squeezes my hand, and replies: ‘Dearest child, it couldn’t have been farther from the truth – I loved you desperately, then and now.
You were the apple of my eye, from the day you were born.
And you were not difficult, you were merely sixteen, and doing what comes naturally at such an age.
I suppose I just… I don’t think I felt that I deserved you, Eleanor.
Ethan was quite clearly a better man than me, somebody who would cherish and treasure your mother in the way she needed – he would never squander such a gift, I knew.
And he was decent, steady, willing to love you both and give you a wonderful life.
I was, by that time, a complete failure in my own eyes. I had no right to either of you.’
He sounds so melancholy as he speaks, and I shed a few tears of my own. For him, for myself. For my poor mum.
‘Once you were gone,’ he continues, ‘it seemed kinder to let you stay gone. I know you were angry with me, but it seemed kinder to leave you your anger, rather than let you miss me. I didn’t want to keep dragging you home, making you choose.
I wanted you to move forward, and embrace your new life.
And honestly, in the early days, I was simply too sad to reach out.
I had a few very bleak years, angel, and I didn’t want to taint you with my bitterness and disappointment.
Then over time, I suppose that simply become too entrenched, the distance had grown, and was totally my fault, but I couldn’t find a way to close it.
I never thought I would be able to, until now.
Thank you, Ellie. For listening. For coming home.
For giving me a second chance – because that’s what this feels like, doesn’t it? ’
I nod, and give him a quick hug. Nothing that would breach his very English sense of decorum, but enough to let him know that he has not lost me.
I am not thrilled to hear what he did to my mother, but I am aware that he is a human being not a saint.
We have all made mistakes in life, and he has very much paid the price for his.
She has forgiven him, and there is nothing to be gained by me making it all worse.
I will think about it all later, once it has all sunk in.
Until then, I will keep a lid on the emotions that are rolling through me.
We stand to begin the climb back up to the parking lot, the wind thankfully behind us to give us a shove.
I am happy to go back to the inn. Back to the little room where I used to hide from their arguments, listening to my music and pretending a war wasn’t raging around me.
Now, I need to process everything that I have learned.
I need to talk to my mum. I possibly need a bottle of gin.
We reach the car, and I glance back down at the cove and all its wild magic. He was right. This does feel like a second chance, and second chances are rare, for all of us.
Once we are cocooned inside Queen Mildred, he turns to me and says: ‘One more thing to add, my love. It might seem obvious, but I must say it – I regret it all, enormously. Not a day has passed since that I have not regretted it. If I could go back in time, I would have done everything differently, and you never would have left.’
I nod, and manage a smile. I know he means it, but I know you cannot build life based on what-might-have-beens. Time machines are few and far between. All we can do is look ahead and make the most of all the chances that come our way, second or otherwise.
An image of Liam flashes before my mind, and I chase it away. He is my friend, and that is all he will ever be. I am with Tyler, and I have made the mistake of seeing Liam as more than a friend before. I might not have a time machine, but I can at least learn from that mistake.