Chapter 16 #2
‘Colleagues. Friends. My sister. In her case it’s because she loves me, I know, and wants to see me happy.
But it’s not that simple. There are times when I feel almost okay.
When life feels not just tolerable, but on the cusp of being enjoyable.
And then the guilt kicks in, and I feel like crap again – because I’m scared of forgetting her.
Being happy somehow feels like a betrayal. It’s weird, and complicated.’
I slip my hand into his and squeeze his cold fingers. I should have brought us gloves.
‘Of course it is. You’ll never forget her, Liam.
She lives on in your memories, and in your children.
She’ll always be part of you. And look, I never met Anna, but I bet she wouldn’t want you to feel like that.
I’m not saying you should move on, but maybe you should accept happiness when you find it? ’
‘Aye. Maybe that’s true for all of us, eh? Anyway. Enough of this deep and meaningful stuff. Have you met Josh Hartnett while you’ve been living in the States?’
He needs to change the subject, I can tell.
‘Well, would you believe it, Liam, but he bloody well lives in England! Isn’t that typical? Plus, you know, married with children. I never got my chance with him.’
‘I still feel the same about Sarah Michelle Gellar. These guys don’t know what they’re missing. Now, shall we move on? I know this is another sign of getting old, but I’m a lot more considerate of other people these days – I don’t want to wake anyone up!’
‘Where next? I’d say it would be “that crazy old haunted house up the hill”, but you’ve gone and bought it.’
‘Reckon you can manage the steps down to the beach? Or are you too much of a wuss these days?’ he asks, a hint of challenge in his voice. His gold-flecked eyes are dancing with amusement, and I grab the wine from him and take a gulp.
‘How very dare you! I’d say I’d race you, but I am too much of a wuss for that – you’d probably just dispense with the steps and jump off the cliff anyway.’
‘Oh no,’ he says, as we resume our journey. ‘Not anymore. I’m definitely too much of a wuss for that. And I have too many people counting on me.’
I nod at that, understanding. He’s a busy man with a lot of burdens.
His life is on a certain path, and it is full in every respect.
I am… well. I’m not really sure what I am.
In a state of flux might be the best way of describing it.
As we wander the still, silent streets of St Tilda, it strikes me that I haven’t come very far since the last time we saw each other. Just in a really big loop.
I pass him the torch when we reach the steps, and he goes first. He takes it slowly, reaching out to hold my hand and help me down. My teenage feet would have flown down them, but my almost-forty feet are much more wary.
It’s a beautiful night down here, and my breath is momentarily stolen.
I had forgotten quite how special it is in this tiny bay, in the magic hours at night when the only light comes from the moon and stars, and the only sound is that of mother nature.
The snow has started to flurry again, and I laugh as I spread our handy garbage bag on the ground.
‘This is crazy,’ I say, as we sit next to each other, the blanket tucked over us. I lie back and stare up at the sky, just like we always used to.
‘It really is,’ he replies, smiling down at me. The silvery moon catches his face, illuminating it like a painting in a gallery. ‘Maybe we needed a bit of madness. Are you cold?’
‘Bloody freezing!’ I reply, laughing as my teeth chatter. He lies next to me and tugs the blanket close around our bodies.
‘Can you see Brian, aka Orion?’ he asks. ‘Or Sirius the Bog Star, aka Sirius the Dog Star?’
‘Probably. I never really knew what they looked like. I just liked the silly names, and being out here with you. We had such wild freedom, didn’t we?’
‘Yeah. We were lucky. I’ve missed this, Ellie. I’ve missed you.’
I take a deep breath, feeling suddenly nervous. Like we are on uneven ground, more perilous even than the steps.
‘I missed you too, Liam. I tried to forget about you, but you were always there, lurking in the back of my mind.’
‘Like a pebble stuck in your shoe?’
‘Exactly like that, now you come to mention it. Do you ever wonder about how things might have worked out, if everything had been different? If I’d never left?’
‘Of course,’ he says, his breath warm against my skin as he turns on his side to face me.
‘And the answer is, I have no clue. Maybe we’d have just stayed best friends, and maybe you’d have been my best man.
Maybe we’d have fallen in love. Or maybe something else would have happened.
It’s impossible to know. And impossible to wish for, too, because if I changed anything, then… ’
‘Bella wouldn’t be in your life, and the twins wouldn’t even exist. Yes.
I know what you mean. I’m just being a melancholy drunk.
When I left here, when I lost you and my dad, it’s like I lost my foundations, you know?
I lost some of what anchored me down. I’ve been a little untethered ever since.
Even when I was married, I think part of me was always expecting it to end. ’
We lie next to each other on the sand, eyes locked, bathed in starlight, serenaded by the song of the sea. He smiles gently and places his hand on the side of my face. His skin against mine feels so right that I sigh out loud.
‘I’m sorry you felt like that,’ he says, his thumb stroking my cheekbone. ‘How about now? How do you feel now?’
I know he means in general, in life. But all I can think about is this one moment, this one precious moment, lying here with him. The boy I’ve never forgotten, and the man who is unravelling me without even knowing it.
I have no clue if he feels the magic of this place, this time together. I have no clue if he wants to touch me in the way I want to touch him. If he wants to kiss me, the way I am desperate to be kissed. His body is so close to mine, his lips just a whisper away.
I have tried to ignore all of this. I have tried to deny these feelings, this need that I can feel rising inside me.
Maybe it’s a need that never entirely went away.
He is Liam, and he is precious in every way.
The reality of him is even better than the memory of him, and from the second he walked into the pub kitchen and back into my life, I have felt drawn to him.
I have told myself it is purely platonic, but I was lying.
I look into his gorgeous hazel eyes, and know that I am on the verge of losing the battle that I am fighting with myself.
I am so close to doing what I did all those years ago, and reaching for something that I cannot have, something I know he doesn’t really want.
Last time, he realised too late that he had those kinds of feelings for me.
This time, he is clearly still in love with his wife, and I am with Tyler.
What can I say? Timing has never been our thing.
I hold his hand in mine and pull it slowly from my face. I smile to take away any sting from my words.
‘Now, my friend, I feel like I really must go to bed. It’s way too cold out here! Thanks for a lovely night. Will you… how will you get back to Rosings?’
I scuffle around and stand to my feet. He stays where he is, gazing up at me.
‘I think I’ll stay here for a little while longer,’ he eventually says. ‘Enjoy the freedom. Then I guess I’ll walk up that hill of mine.’
‘You’ll be okay?’ I ask, biting my lip so hard I taste blood. This has ended abruptly, and I never want there to be another misunderstanding between us like the last one. Now we are speaking again, I would like that to continue – and ironically, that means keeping some distance.
He nods and smiles at me. ‘I’ll be okay, Ellie.’
I nod back and turn to leave. I abandon the bag, the blanket, but hopefully not my dignity.
My feet cannot carry me away quickly enough, and I trip near the top of the steps, landing with my hands palms down on the snow-covered grass.
I recover, and scamper back into the inn.
I hope my dad is asleep, because I don’t want him to see me like this.
Confused, upset, with tears on my cheeks that have no right being there.
Nothing bad has happened. Nobody has hurt me. Why the hell am I crying?
I clamber up the stairs, avoiding the one that squeaks, and feel a sense of relief when I am finally alone in my room. My window looks down over the bay, and for a moment I want to sit in the cushioned seat and look through the glass. I want to see him, still there on the beach.
No, I tell myself. That is not a sensible thing to do.
I need to sleep, and to let tomorrow take care of itself.
Right up until the last fifteen minutes, this night was fun and friendly.
It’s not his fault that it changed, that the energy took a strange and uninvited turn.
It’s not his fault that I wanted more, that I wanted what I have no right to want.
Tomorrow, I tell myself, will be fine. It will all be back to normal, and I will never drink wine again. I go about my night-time ablutions, get into warm fleecy pyjamas, and climb under the duvet. Tomorrow I will feel all right, I repeat silently.
Tonight, though, I feel absolutely awful, for so many different reasons.
I have never cheated on a partner, and I never, ever will.
My father’s affair destroyed his whole life and caught me and my mum in its blast radius, and my husband’s unfaithfulness hurt me deeply.
I would rather be alone than be the kind of person who cheats.
For me, it is crossing a line that I would never forgive myself for crossing.
Nothing happened between me and Liam – but I wanted it to, there is no denying it.
Wonderful as Tyler is, when I was lying on the sand with Liam’s lips inches from mine, I forgot that he even existed.
I did not cheat physically, but there are other ways to cheat. Other ways to hurt someone. If I could mentally discard my boyfriend so easily, then how strong can our relationship even be? Was I just carried away with the moment, or does this tell me something I need to listen to?
I have a lot to think about, but for now I need to rest. I need to switch off my mind before an emotional hand grenade goes off and blows me to pieces.