Chapter 17 #2
She laughs at that one, and it feels like a victory. ‘Yeah. I understand. Liam adopted me when he and Mum got married, and Byrne is okay. We used to be Ostergaard, and that has way too many vowels. Anyway. Dad’s up at the pub, looking for you. Something about dropping off a bag.’
I glance up at the cliff-side steps, and feel a sudden flash of nerves.
I am probably just being stupid, imagining tension where there will be none.
As I stare up, he appears, waving down at us.
Ralph woofs and runs to meet him, rewarded with a scratch behind the ears.
Liam looks nowhere near as washed out as I do.
In fact he looks great, in battered Levi’s spattered with paint, and a chunky knit navy blue sweater.
He must have a whole section of his wardrobe for ‘Hot Fisherman Knitwear’.
His hair is curling slightly, maybe needing a trim, and his hazel eyes are bright and clear as he walks towards us.
‘Liam, I’m going for a wander,’ Bella says immediately. ‘I’ll make my own way back up the hill.’
He nods, but I see his gaze flicker over her face, as though he is searching for danger signs. The circle of worry she was talking about.
‘Okay, but don’t get into any trouble, okay? Bernadette has a stew on and wants us there for lunch. No escapades, please, Bella!’
She puts her hands on her hips and glares at him. ‘Is that the cliff?’ she asks me, gesturing along the curve of the coast.
‘Is it what cliff?’ I reply, confused.
‘The cliff that Mr Sensible here used to jump off when he was my age?’
She doesn’t wait for an answer, just harrumphs herself off in a cloud of ‘take that!’ I can’t help laughing at the look on his face as she leaves.
‘She has a point,’ I say, amused.
‘I know. That makes it even worse. Anyway, how are you this morning?’
‘Fresh as a daisy. Assuming the daisy was buried in a compost heap.’
He grimaces, and pulls something out of his jacket pocket. It’s a can of Diet Coke, and I laugh at the fact that he remembered. ‘Thank you! I guess I’m still predictable after all these years.’
‘Never,’ he reassures me, as we follow Ralph on his wreck-it tour of the sea-line. ‘Look, Ellie, I just wanted to clear the air. Last night… look, I was probably imagining things…’
‘Yes, I’m sure you were! Nothing to discuss!’ I say, dying inside. I so do not want to have this conversation. He raises his eyebrows, gives me a look and shakes his head.
‘Not discussing things didn’t work out so well last time. We had a moment, me and you. When we were down here on the beach.’
I continue to look blank, staring resolutely at my feet. ‘You don’t remember it?’ he eventually adds.
Of course I do, I want to yell. It’s burned into my brain. The touch of his fingers on my skin, his warm breath against my flesh. His body next to mine. How could I forget?
Should I pretend? Should I plead ignorance, and let us both off the hook? Maybe I should – but I’m obviously not that good a liar. I might be silent, but I’m also bright red with embarrassment.
‘You do remember!’ he says, pointing at my face. ‘The cheeks don’t lie!’
I speed up, walking quickly away to give myself some breathing space. He is much taller than me these days, though, and easily closes the gap.
‘Yes, okay, I remember,’ I say reluctantly. ‘And it was just that, wasn’t it? A moment? Nothing happened!’
‘I know it didn’t. And that’s good, because…
this is too messed up, isn’t it? You’re with someone, and I would never try and get in the way of that.
Plus, even if you weren’t, Ellie, I’m not ready.
For you. For anyone. Part of me wants to move on, but part of me is frozen in time as Anna’s husband, and even thinking about another woman that way makes me feel bad. I’m…’
Damn. Now I feel childish for trying to avoid the subject. He obviously needs to talk about it, to share this burden. I nod and wait for him to continue. ‘You’re what?’
‘I’m being stupid, I know. I know it’s not healthy, but it’s the way I feel.
Even if nothing happened, I was so freaked out.
That’s my problem, and I’m sure it will pass – but I also really didn’t want me and you to get our wires crossed again, and leave it another two decades before we spoke.
Because I meant what I said last night – I’ve missed you, Ellie, and I don’t want to lose you again. Does any of that make any sense?’
I stare at him, taking in the flashes of gold in his eyes, the new breadth of his shoulders. The worried quirk of his lips. This is all too heavy. Too serious.
I shake up the Diet Coke can furiously hard for a few seconds, then before he can figure out what I’m doing, I pop open the ring pull, spraying him full in the face with chilled fizzy pop.
He jumps around trying to get out of my way, yelling and laughing and eventually managing to grab the can out of my hands. I squeal in protest as he wrenches it from me, and up-ends it – pouring the last few dregs directly on top of my hair.
‘You… you Uranus, you!’ I shriek, rivulets of sticky liquid creeping down my forehead.
‘Ha, serves you right!’ he replies, using his sweater to mop up Coke from his face. I catch a glimpse of golden flesh beneath, and avert my gaze. He looks down at me afterwards, grinning and shaking his head.
‘You always were trouble,’ he says firmly.
‘Don’t you forget it, pal. And yes, Liam – we’re good. We’re not the first two people to have an inappropriate moment when they’re drunk. It’s fine. It’s great. It’s nothing at all to worry about.’
He chooses to believe me, and we make small talk as we continue with our walk.
Now, if only I could do as good a job of convincing myself, and get rid of this sickening sense of yearning that is taking root inside me. I can yearn all I want – some things are just not meant to be.