Chapter 24 #2
‘It was Bella who made me realise,’ he says, continuing when he realises I am not opening the door any further.
‘She was so angry, and I thought it was just because I was taking her back to Dublin when she wanted to stay in St Tilda. And she was angry about that, too – but mainly she was annoyed with me for being what she very graciously termed “an absolute arsehole”. She told me I needed to get my shit together. That I needed to open my eyes and see what was right in front of me. Then she added in some charming stuff about how she wouldn’t be around to look after me forever, and I needed to find someone else to take care of me when I inevitably lost my teeth and went senile.
Which, she seemed to think, was going to happen in about five years’ time. ’
I can’t help but laugh as he talks. Bella, bless her. All that piss and vinegar and grief and angst, but all wrapped up on this occasion with a solid dollop of good advice.
‘Did you ground her or send her to her room?’ I ask, trying to imagine the scene playing out between them. The father-figure being lectured by his wild stepdaughter.
‘Neither. I cried on her shoulder. Then she cried on mine. And basically we spent the whole night bawling together. It was very cathartic. I felt like an honorary woman.’
‘Sexist. So, when did this happen?’
‘It happened on the third of January. The anniversary of Anna dying.’
That hits me hard. I hear the pain in his voice, but I also heard the genuine regret when he apologised earlier. This is not a simple situation, and it probably cannot be solved through a closed door. I need to put on my big girl pants and deal with this.
I slide the chain off and open the door fully, gesturing him inside. He reaches out to touch me, and I ward him off with my hands.
‘No, please don’t, Liam. I’m barely holding it together here. Please, just sit. Say what you need to say. I’ll listen, I promise.’
He nods and takes a chair. He looks insanely big in my tiny apartment, and the smell of his cologne fills my senses. His eyes flicker around the room, and he smiles at what he sees.
‘This is nice,’ he says. ‘Cosy. Can I stay?’
‘What? Can you stay here, with me? No, you cannot! You can afford a hotel, I’m sure.’
I keep my voice firm, but my body isn’t quite so sure that the answer is no. The idea of Liam staying, of him sleeping next to me in my bed, is making my heart beat annoyingly faster.
‘Yeah, of course I can. Sorry. I didn’t even mean to say that, and I wasn’t talking about sex…
I just want to be near you, Ellie. I don’t feel right without you.
I’ve booked a week out of the office, and my mum and dad are staying with the kids in Dublin.
I wanted to come here and show you I was serious. To show you this was real.’
‘Serious about what? I’m so confused, Liam!
You made it perfectly clear the last time I saw you that it was over.
And I only got that much because I forced it.
You blanked me. You tried to sneak away without even having the balls to talk to me face to face.
It hurt, Liam – it really hurt! Even if you’d decided you didn’t want anything more to happen between us, I thought we were friends?
Friends don’t treat each other like that! ’
He groans and buries his face in his hands. I have tears in my eyes, and I don’t even try to hide them. He came here to show me he was real? Well, this is real. Me, crying, in my pyjamas, struggling to eat because I’m so sad.
‘I know,’ he mutters. ‘I know, you’re right, about all of it! Look, can I explain something?’
‘You might as well. You’ve come all this way.’
‘That kiss.’
I nod. That kiss. I remember it well, the way he reduced me to rubble, my knees weak, my pulse racing. I couldn’t get enough of him. It unravelled me.
‘That kiss was amazing,’ he continues. ‘And it was the first time I’d kissed a woman since Anna died.
When it happened, all I could think about was you.
I was full of you, Ellie – intoxicated. I couldn’t wait to see you the next day.
Except, when I woke up, it was Anna who was on my mind.
I felt like I’d betrayed her. Like I’d abandoned her.
Especially at this time of year, everything is so raw, and I…
I’d forgotten all about her. While I was kissing you. That whole night. I forgot about her.’
His pain is so raw, so deep, that I cannot even formulate a response. I cannot mock this, or make a snappy comment, or even argue with it. This is his truth, and it is a hard truth.
‘I see. That sounds terrible, Liam. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you went through that. But, you could have told me. You could have explained, and I would have accepted that. I’m not an ogre.’
‘I know that. You’re kind and understanding, and you would have got it. It was me I was worried about, not you. Bella told me I was holding on to my grief as a way to hide from life. I suspect she might have a point. She’s very wise for a girl with so many facial piercings.’
I smile. Bella is also, I know, part of Anna. They both lost her, and that gives Bella the right to speak her mind – to tell him what she thinks without the fear of him dismissing her. Bella telling him to move on is not Cara telling him, or a friend or colleague. It is Anna’s own flesh and blood.
‘Do you think she’s right?’ I ask gently. The anguish is clear on his gorgeous face, and there is no way I cannot respond to it. To this man, who I have tried so very hard not to love. I have failed, it seems, because all I want to do is take him in my arms and comfort him.
‘I think she might be. Losing Anna almost broke me. It was only having the kids that got me through it. So maybe when I started to realise how deeply my feelings for you ran, I got scared. Because if you love someone, there is the chance that you can lose them, like I lost her. And I do love you, Ellie. I know this is messy. I know it’s complicated, and the geography of our lives makes it even more so.
But I love you, with all my heart, and I’m willing to do anything it takes to make this work between us. ’
He stands up and holds out his hands.
‘Please,’ he says. ‘Give me another chance, Ellie.’
I stare up at him, still not quite believing what I’m hearing. I take his hands, and he pulls me to my feet. He touches my hair, and gazes into my eyes, and his proximity is as confusing as always.
‘I can’t think straight when you’re that close to me,’ I say, stepping away. He looks crestfallen, and I quickly add: ‘That’s not a no, Liam. I just… I need to think. Do you want some hot chocolate fudge cake?’
He looks momentarily bewildered, but quickly recovers.
He knows that my love language is confectionary.
Behind him, on the muted TV screen, the Baking Show contestants are unveiling their showstoppers.
I shake my head to clear it, and walk through to the kitchen.
He follows me, and I slice him some cake and pass him a spoon.
He takes a mouthful, and a sound comes from his lips that I’d associate more with a blue movie than with cake. Job done, I guess. I watch him as he eats, making fresh tea, letting his presence here in my little apartment sink in. Letting his words sink in. Letting his offer become a real thing.
After a few more moments, I pour us both a drink, and then I take the bowl from his hands.
I place it down on the counter, and I walk towards him.
I wrap my arms around his waist, and he pulls me close, hope in his eyes.
I stand on tiptoes and kiss the corners of his mouth.
Just when I thought he couldn’t get any better, he now tastes of chocolate.
‘I love you too, Liam. And the answer is yes. I’ll give you another chance.’
He kisses me then, properly – and yet again, nothing in the world exists but him. I have no idea what the future holds, but I do know what this moment holds, and for now, that is enough.