Chapter Thirty Ryan
After walking around the city in weighted silence, Emma and I end up on a bench in a park, cloaked in the bright glow of a nearby streetlight.
I love being out in the city late at night. There’s a certain peace and comfort in the air that I don’t feel during the day. It’s too busy and chaotic as people rush from place to place, unable to slow down and just enjoy the moment.
This is when I thrive, but I can’t help but feel like I’m treading water right now, trying not to drown under all these waves of uncertainty and confusion.
Why isn’t she talking? What thoughts are so heavy on her mind that she can’t say them out loud?
“You’re worrying me, Em,” I tell her, breaking the silence.
Emma sighs as she brushes her fingers through her hair, fidgeting with the strands anxiously. “There’s just been a lot going on lately. And things are different too. I don’t see you guys every day anymore. I have to figure out a new normal.”
I frown as I gaze at her, wishing she would look at me. At least she’s talking to me, though. I guess that’s a start.
“You can talk to us whenever you want. We don’t have to ignore each other,” I insist as I turn toward her and take her hand.
Emma shakes her head and pulls her hand out of mine, her shoulders tensing up even more. “It’s dangerous being around each other. Look what just happened!”
Her words jab at my heart like an ice pick, piercing deep. Does she really regret our moments together that much? Or is she lying to protect herself?
“I’m sorry that things keep happening. I know it stresses you out because you don’t want anyone to know,” I tell her. “But I care about you. We all do. So, whatever is making you act so weird, just know that you can still talk to us about it.”
Emma lowers her eyes as she wraps her arms around herself. “You’re right. I am stressed. I’m… overwhelmed.”
I move closer to her until the sides of our thighs touch. She doesn’t draw away this time, and it takes everything in me not to wrap my arm around her. I just want her to know that she’s not alone.
“From what?” I ask her.
Emma chews on her bottom lip for a few moments. “The future. What I’m going to do next. What I should do.”
A sigh drifts from me as I lean back against the bench, crossing my arms over my chest. “I shouldn’t have crashed your meeting like that. Not if you were seriously considering working for him.”
With my whole damn soul, I don’t want her to work for Vincent, but I can’t be some controlling asshole either who tells her what she can and can’t do. I crossed a line.
I let my anger get the best of me.
“I was thinking about it,” Emma admits, making guilt hit me like a train. Before I can apologize, she shakes her head. “But I was going to reject the offer at dinner tonight. I decided against it.”
Some of my guilt still lingers, but I can’t help the relief that washes over me. “What made you change your mind? You seemed pretty interested.”
Emma gives me a weak shrug. “I just don’t think now is a good time for me to leave New York City and go all the way to the other side of the country.”
Part of me wonders if she doesn’t want to leave because of us. Because of what we all share with each other. I’d like to think that at least.
“Getting attached to this place?” I reply as I gently bump my shoulder against hers.
Emma finally looks at me with a faint glimmer of amusement in her eyes. “You could say that.”
I start to smile, but the shine in her eyes fades away. Something dark keeps stealing their light. “If you’re not upset about the job offer, what’s bringing you down?”
“I just don’t know what to do with my life, Ryan. Nothing is going as planned, and every time I turn around, I’m hit with another curveball. I don’t even know which direction to go.”
The despair in her voice makes my chest grow tight. Protecting her is more than just wrapping my arms around her and shielding her from harm. How can I help her defend herself from her own mind?
I can’t even help my damn self sometimes.
“I’m sure your parents have given you some advice.”.
“Oh, yeah. They’ve made it clear that I should stay here and find something stable,” Emma replies. “I’ve told them that I’m looking for something long term and secure, but unless it gets me a W-2, it doesn’t count to them.”
I love her parents, who have treated me more like a son than my own parents, but they should back off her. All of their opinions will just stress her out more, and she’s already tense enough to shatter into dozens of pieces.
“You’ll find the right opportunity,” I assure her. “You can always come to us for glowing recommendations.”
A grateful look crosses Emma’s face as she nods. “I’ve been hit up for a few small remote freelance opportunities. I might take up one of them just to have something to do until a better opportunity shows up.”
“That’s a good idea,” I reply. A little bit of normalcy and distraction shouldn’t hurt at all. “I could put out some feelers. See if anyone is looking for a graphic designer for a serious project.”
Emma gently pats my arm. “It’s fine. I can find something.”
Stubborn but determined. I can admire that, even if I wish she would just let me take care of her. I’d do it well.
Really well.
“Whatever you do, whether you go somewhere or stay here, I’ll support you no matter what,” I tell her as I gently place my hand over hers. “I should’ve told you that to start with.”
Emma’s expression softens. Her eyes stray to my lips for a moment that also feels like an eternity. The yearning in her gaze almost breaks me, but she looks away before I lose control.
It’s so easy to do that with her.
“I’m scared of messing up,” Emma admits. “Every big decision that I make going forward will shape the rest of my future. I feel like I’m eighteen again being forced to make these huge choices that impact my entire life. It’s terrifying.”
I wrap my fingers around her hand, drawing it to my lap to hold. “I know it might not seem like it, but most things are fixable, even if you really mess up. You can’t take back the past, but you can make a better decision to repair what’s broken.”
There are things that just can’t be fixed, though. I tried fixing the damage done to my relationship with my family, but they don’t see anything wrong with how they treat me. To them, there’s no damage to repair. No pain to heal.
I can’t fix that problem on my own, and as much as that stings and pains the inner child within me, I don’t feel as sad when I remember the family that I’ve built. Josh and Max. Ethan and Andrew. Emma.
They’re my family. I don’t want to lose any of them, but I know that I can’t fall for Emma and stay close with her brothers. They won’t accept that, which means I have to choose between the people that I care about.
Now that really fucking hurts.
“I don’t want to upset anyone,” Emma says as she looks over at me, concern filling her eyes. “I don’t want anyone to hate me.”
I frown and squeeze her hand. “No one is going to hate you, Em. Nothing you could ever do would make me hate you.”
Emma stares at me in tense silence for a few seconds before speaking. “You don’t know that.”
A serious expression settles on my face. “You mean the world to me. I don’t care what you do or what’s going on. That won’t change.”
Emma chews on her bottom lip before taking a deep breath, her entire body tensing like her next words are about to burst out of her.
My heart stops. Maybe she’s finally going to tell me what’s been making her act so weird.
“I should probably go home. I’m not feeling that well.”
I have to stop my shoulders from sinking in disappointment. I thought I was right on the verge of the truth, but I’m back at square one, wondering if there’s something important that she won’t tell me.
It’s hard to read her now. I used to do it pretty well when we spent almost every day together, but it feels like there’s a wall between us that wasn’t there before. It’s depressing.
“I’ll drive you,” I offer.
“No, I’ll get an Uber,” Emma tells me.
Her voice is firm enough that I don’t argue. I don’t want to piss her off and drive us even further apart. Not when she’s acting so odd and flighty.
I might lose her if I push too hard.
Emma pulls her hand away from me and stands from the bench, her eyes meeting mine for a second before she walks off in silence.
It takes everything in me not to chase after her. It doesn’t feel right just letting her go, but I told myself that I wasn’t going to force her to do anything.
And that includes talking to me.