13. Blake
13
BLAKE
T he next day, Jenny stopped over at my house to drive me to the venue hall. She insisted on repairing the van since the title was still in her name.
“I’m just glad Zach told me that it broke down,” she said as she checked her reflection in the mirror. “I have a hunch you wouldn’t have been upfront about it breaking down.”
True. “I just don’t want to be a burden or inconvenience.”
She rolled her eyes but smiled. “That’s impossible.”
Since I couldn’t drive anything in the backup van, we had spent a good long while cramming everything into the bigger, newer van that she drove over here to pick me up.
Sara would be over any second to pick up George. She’d offered to babysit him for a change, and he was currently getting his sleepover bag ready, excited because it’d been a month or so since he’d slept over at her house. She called herself his unofficial cool aunt, and she sure as hell acted the part.
“Hey, about Zach…” I said, quelling my nerves to bring him up after the odd night we’d shared. I had yet to banish the memory of him holding me close after we’d almost fallen on the sidewalk together. It had been impossible to move away, not only because he was warm but because he was so comforting. Grounding.
“Yeah?” Jenny asked as she applied some lip gloss.
“How come he’s helping tonight?” I bit my lip. “He said last night that he’s going to help cater this party.”
Jenny laughed and shrugged. “I have no clue. Seriously, I’m clueless.” She pursed her lips as she smoothed her messy ponytail back. “Sure, I mentioned to him in passing that I could use some more help with half the crew out sick, but I didn’t realize he’d personally step up to the challenge. I didn’t ask him, at any rate.”
Hmmm. Interesting. Her reply confirmed my suspicions—that he’d made it up on the spot when Reagan asked him out. I could understand someone making up a falsehood as an easy out for telling someone no. Rejections could be weird like that. But to claim that he was working for somewhere he wasn’t already employed? Very weird.
“I appreciate it, but I’ll tell you what,” Jenny quipped as she glanced at me. “I look forward to when managing a company won’t be my headache anymore.” She grinned and winked.
I smiled back, by rote, but this time, her enthusiasm didn’t hit the spot with me. Internally, I sagged. In my mind, I wanted to groan, then cry. It saddened me to no end to realize that Jenny was implying that a new boss would be in charge soon.
Working for someone else just wouldn’t be the same. Jenny was a fairy godmother figure, a good friend, a confidante. She’d promoted me as high as she could, and I was the highest paid employee at West Catering, but still, my yearly salary wasn’t enough to eke out a sustainable living as a single mom. Especially as a single mom still working on medical and funeral debts from my parents and brother.
Jenny and I were like partners, but it seemed she was far too ready to just retire.
Deal with it when the day comes. I feared a new boss and owner would drive me to want to leave and move, and while the idea of having my own restaurant and catering business would be good, I’d rather stick with Jenny.
“I’m going to get back out to the garage and check the inventory list one more time,” Jenny said as Sara arrived and knocked on the front door.
“Okay, I’ll just see George on his way with Sara and I can lock up to go.”
She saluted me, then headed out to the van, saying hi to my friend and telling George to behave.
Sara grinned at me. “George,” she hollered up the stairs, “make sure you get that jungle boardgame you’ve been telling me about. I want to play it tonight.”
“Okay, Sara,” he called back, then ran up the stairs again.
“So.” She approached me, watching for George to be out of earshot. “Cole said he was watching the game with Zach last night. Sounds like Zach was asking all kinds of questions about you.”
I sighed, sagging against the wall. “I bet he was asking about the fact that I have a kid.”
She nodded, still looking out for George. “Yeah.”
“Did Cole?—”
Shaking her head, she placed her hand on my arm to cut me off. “No. Cole doesn’t even know.”
Sara was the only person who knew that George was the result of a one-night stand with Zach. She was the only person I’d confided in that my brother’s best friend was my baby daddy. True to her word, she hadn’t told anyone. Not even her brother, and those siblings didn’t keep a lot of secrets from each other.
“But it’s making me wonder,” Sara said, lowering her voice in case George could come back and hear.
“Making you wonder what?”
“If Zach could see himself in George. I swear”—she held up both hands—“when Zach was sitting there between the boys in the office, just looking at them seated next to each other, it’s just… just so obvious. George is like his mini me! Dimples and those baby blue eyes…”
I cringed. I’d been wondering if someone would make that exact conclusion sooner or later.
“Don’t you think Zach might notice? And wonder?”
I shook my head. “I hope not.” I was limited in how to make it possible that Zach would never know. But that was just wishful thinking.
“But he’s got to be curious. You know, like he’s bound to be curious about who George’s dad is.”
“He is more than curious,” I replied.
“Yeah?”
“He gave me a ride home last night and flat-out asked me who George’s father is.”
She opened her eyes wide. “What’d you say?”
“That I didn’t want to talk about it.” Which was so shitty of me, but I was put on the spot.
She shook her head slowly. “Blake, he’s bound to figure it out. He’ll notice how much George looks like him. He’ll do the math of how old George is and when Kevin’s funeral was.”
“But George was a preemie,” I argued weakly.
“Oh, sure, his calculations might be a few months off then, all right. He’ll still put it together.”
“Maybe not.”
She shot me a dubious look. “He’s not stupid.”
No, but I am to clam up and botch this. I hated how I’d kept it from him. Before, I had no direct way to contact him. And no point to, either. He prioritized being in the military and his coveted career in the services—end of. I didn’t want to take that away from him. Now that his beloved career was no longer a viable option, I felt like I was wading through murky water and messing up at this thing called life.
“You still don’t think he should know?” She scrunched her face up, grimacing.
“I think he should know—in other circumstances.”
Furrowing her brow, she gaped at me and crossed her arms. “What other circumstances? It’s not a conditionally acquired fact.”
“Circumstances as in Zach would stay here for more than a few weeks.”
“He’s not?”
“No. He’s not going to stay in Vernford. He doesn’t see how he could have a purpose here after no longer being in the military. And I get that. He’s always been so headstrong and stuck on following in his father’s footsteps of being a career military man, of being far away.” I flung my arms out. “He’s probably got too much wanderlust to want to stay in one place now. Too much wanderlust to stay here and settle down at all.”
“But if he knew he had a kid…” She raised her brows in a silent question. “If he could have you?”
I shook my head. “No way. Like I would be enough to make him want to stay here and be happy? Like the sudden impulse to be a parent would convince him?” Despising the sorrow in my tone, I looked at her and wished it didn’t have to be this complicated. Sitting next to him in that truck was awkward, but it was Zach. He was safe. He was familiar. Even though I tried my hardest to shut off all thoughts about that night, just being in his presence had challenged me to remember it all in vivid detail. Then when he caught me from the snow and held me close, it was nearly impossible to shove all those memories back into the recesses of my mind. He lingered in my head, taunting me to think back to how his hard body felt against mine, how feverish his kisses were, and how deep he’d sunk into me and brought me to so much pleasure.
“I don’t matter. I never did. He never reached out after Kevin’s death.” Neither did I, but I had a reason—to hide his son. “I am still nothing more than his best friend’s little sister. Someone untouchable and off-limits.”
She huffed. “Off-limits except for that one night.”
When she said it, it sounded so finite. Like closure. One night. That was it. After being near him again, though, I couldn’t turn off the teeny voice in my head and the stubborn pull on my heart that wondered if he could feel anything more toward me.
“One night,” I agreed, banishing the fleeting hopes I had no business allowing. “We lapsed that one night, and that’s all that would ever happen between us.”
She pursed her lips, sadder now.
“A lapse that shouldn’t have happened but did. All because we’d crashed and come together through the grief of my brother’s death. It wasn’t planned. It just happened in our weakest moments.”
“I know it wasn’t planned…”
“Besides, he’s not staying. He doesn’t want to commit to being here now, so I’m not quick to assume he’d jump on the prospect of wanting to stay here for longer. You can’t expect a man who’s spent twenty years on the move and out of a civilian lifestyle to just come home and slide right into the role of a daddy.”
“I know, but… I think he should know.”
“To what purpose?” Deep down, I was afraid that he’d hate me and scorn George because we would represent so much of a responsibility and burden to be here. “He’s not going to be around here forever. He said that, not me. And what good would it do to George? What good would it do to Zach? I would much rather have George not know who his father is than know but also have to accept that his father didn’t want him.”
“You don’t know that’s how he’ll react. Maybe he could be thrilled about this.”
I gave her a dull, blank expression. “He said he’s leaving right after the holidays, Sara. And since he’s a man who’s always left when he said he would, there isn’t a chance in hell I’ll believe he would genuinely go through a one-eighty and change who he is at the core—a man who needs big, bad, and dangerous missions and adventures to feel alive. A man who has zero interest in hanging around his hometown.”
She frowned, hanging her head.
“And it’s not right for George, to get his hopes up high at meeting his dad, only to watch him leave.” It would break my heart to witness my son dealing with that.
“I just don’t think sticking with these lies is the way to go…” she said gently.
I knew sticking with this huge secret was wrong. But it also seemed like the only way to go about it.
In a month, he’d disappear from my life again.
And that thought rattled me because I was just that kind of a hopeless romantic to yearn for a future with him.
To wish for a lot longer than just a Christmas with my baby daddy.