17. Blake
17
BLAKE
G eorge entered through the front door, frowning at Sara as she came in behind him.
“I told you we left that drawing at your house.”
She made eye contact with me in a knowing way. “Yep. You were right.” Then she quit her expression and smiled at him as he looked up at her.
“Mama!” George turned and ran to me, launching into my arms like he always did for big hugs. I dreaded the day he’d be too big for it and would plow me over. He was a short kiddo now, but if any of Zach’s genes had any say in it, he’d be a big footballer size of a teenager.
“Morning, honey. Did you have a good sleepover?”
He nodded, smiling wide with the easy, carefree way he had when he was in a safe place like at home. Those grins weren’t as common at school, though. His dimples, another thing he’d inherited from his sexy daddy, were clear to see with how genuinely happy he was as he gazed up at me. “Yeah! Sleepovers at Sara’s are the best!”
“How much candy did he have?” I jokingly asked my best friend.
George didn’t seem confused why I was just getting out of bed now. Nor did he ask me about the clothes lying all over the floor. I always scolded him about his messy habit of leaving things around, so if he’d spotted my things lying on the floor, he would’ve called me out on it. Sara must’ve gotten him out before he could see the evidence of my late-night guest being here.
Sara smiled at me. “Eh, not too much.”
“Because I can get more candy at the festival,” he reminded us both. “When can we go?”
“It doesn’t start ’til dinnertime, honey.”
He sighed.
“I’m going to run some errands and I’ll be back to take you two,” Sara said, looking at me.
“I can’t wait to go to the hot cocoa booth,” he exclaimed.
“Yeah. I am looking forward to getting some hot cocoa and catching up,” Sara told me with an expectant expression.
Yes, yes. You’re chomping at the bit for the juicy details of what happened here last night. I’d tell her. She was the only person who knew who Zach was to me. I could trust her to keep this news a secret too.
I turned to get dressed, and as I did, I sighed at the sight of my rumpled bed. It was hard to believe that I’d slept with Zach again. It seemed so farfetched, a fantasy I could visit when I was lonely or horny. Or even when I was simply missing how well we’d come together in the face of such sadness and grief.
Zach had always been there in the background. As my first crush, then my only one-night stand.
But we’d somehow found our way back together again. That same chemistry had been just as undeniably strong. We’d collided like a force of nature couldn’t keep us apart, like my nerves and reservations couldn’t convince me to stay away.
But he will stay away. I’d jump on him with the perspective that I should live in the present, in the moment, but that hadn’t erased my memory of his saying he’d be leaving soon again.
Later, after dinner, Sara drove me and George downtown since the repairs Jenny had arranged for the van weren’t done. Once we arrived, he ran off with ten dollars to the supervised kids’ tent. They hosted an array of carnival-like games in there, themed with the holiday spirit, but I bet he’d spend most of his time in the craft area. Since there were high schoolers and other volunteers manning the tent, it was a way to have him supervised without my being there.
In other words, a rare chance for an adult conversation.
“How.” Sara playfully slapped her glove on my arm as we got our hot cocoas from a vendor booth. “Could.” Another teasing slap. “You?”
I sighed and hung my head, hiding the smile that came with the reminder of why certain parts of my body were so tender and sore. “ How ? Have you seen how sexy that man is?”
She gasped, mocking a scandalized tone. “You don’t even deny it!”
I shook my head. “What’s the point of denying it? You saw his clothes on the floor. You saw his truck parked there.”
“And you’re lucky George didn’t,” she replied, laughing. As soon as I pulled up and saw it, I made sure to angle my car so he wouldn’t see it and wonder.”
I winced as we carried our hot cocoas to a table near the kids’ tent.
“Blake…” she drawled in a scolding manner.
I dropped my face into my hands and groaned.
“Sleeping with your baby daddy is dangerous territory.”
I lifted my face. “You’re speaking from experience?”
She rolled her eyes. “No. How did he take it?”
“Take what?”
Her mouth hung open. “ What ? You didn’t tell him?”
Once again, with a louder groan, I dropped my face into my hands.
“Oh, man. Oh… Blake! What? You didn’t tell him that he’s a daddy?”
“No.” I sat upright and cringed. “I know. I’m bad. It’s so terribly wrong of me not to tell him, but… No. I didn’t.”
“Very wrong.” She furrowed her brow and sipped her hot drink.
“It’s tearing me up inside.”
“Well, why didn’t you? You can’t make an excuse that you couldn’t contact him. He was there with you at the party. And obviously, afterward.”
“I thought about telling him.”
“Ha!” She pointed at me, closing one eye. “You probably spent all night thinking of how to tell him without any intention to.”
“You make it sound like I’m some wicked liar.”
“No. We both know you’re not. And we both also are aware of how outrageously nervous you are about telling him this big secret.”
“I am.”
She set her beverage down and tilted her head so much that her baggy hat almost slid off her blonde curls. “But why? What are you so nervous about? Or scared of?”
I shrugged, casting my gaze down to the table to follow the images of Santa hats and Christmas trees printed on the cloth covering the piece of bistro furniture. “Part of it is that I’ve kept it a secret for so long now. George isn’t a newborn. I guess I’ve grown into the identity that he is just fatherless.”
“Okay. Fair enough. It’s become habit to lie about it and keep it a secret.”
That still doesn’t sound good.
“But a bigger part of it is that we aren’t really together.”
She smiled wryly. “Not together. I bet there wasn’t a whole lot of space between you in bed last night.”
“Or in the shower. Or the hallway floor.”
She gaped at me again. “Blake! My God.” She laughed as she slow clapped. “Getting it while it’s hot?”
“And while it’s around. It was a physical fling,” I explained. “Just like last time when he came for Kevin’s funeral. It was a physical one-night stand.” I fought not to cringe at the bitterness of that lie. It hadn’t felt like an emotionless, no-strings-attached kind of night. Not at all.
“Maybe…”
“No.” I sipped my hot cocoa and set it down again. “Not maybe. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to settle down in Vernford for good. He said he’ll be here until the holidays are over and then go try to find a purpose somewhere else. And knowing that, hearing him say that, I don’t want to be a reason that could force him to stay if that’s not really what’s in his heart.”
“But what if he would want to stay?” she countered.
“He’s said that he doesn’t.” Sadness crept into my heart and squeezed tight. I wished he wouldn’t be so adamant about having his life elsewhere.
“But what if?” She held her hands up in a truce-like manner. “I’m not trying to play devil’s advocate, but maybe he could. Cole said he and Zach went to the gym yesterday morning and hung out. It sounds like they might be becoming friends. You know? Maybe Zach just needs some time to warm up to the idea of putting down roots here.”
“He already has roots. He grew up here,” I reminded her. And it wasn’t enough to keep him tethered. I’d never understood why he was so set on leaving. Mr. West was a gruff military man through and through, so I could see how Zach could’ve felt obligated to do as his father wanted. But Mr. West passed away many years ago. Seeing to a legacy could be timeless, but Zach’s time in the service had ended for reasons beyond his control.
“And,” Sara continued, “I wish you’d consider how George would feel too. How he might enjoy knowing his dad.”
“That worries me the most. That I could tell George who Zach is, he’d get attached, and Zach would leave anyway. It’s easier for George to miss something he’s never had or met. But if he were to know and then lose him…”
She nodded. “True.”
And looking out for my son was my first priority. Yet, I couldn’t live with a lie like this. Especially after caving to his kisses and touch. “I know it’s bad to hide it all. And… and I will tell him the truth. Just not now. After Christmas. I’ll tell him after Christmas is over so I don’t have to worry about ruining the magic of the season. I can’t drop a bombshell like this on him or George before the holidays come.”
Sara smiled sadly. “It won’t be easy.”
“But it’s the right thing to do.”
She grinned. “You’ll just need to keep your hands to yourself that long.”
I groaned. “No. I’m not sleeping with Zach again, so that won’t be a worry.”
A cup of hot cocoa dropped behind me, splattering up and getting my attention as I shifted to keep out of the splash. Turning to see where it’d come from, I lifted my head until I came face-to-face with Amanda.
Her hands were still out from where she’d likely dropped the cup. Her mouth remained open in a perfect O of shock.
Oh, fuck.
She stared at me, stunned.
I doubted I had a chance in hell that she hadn’t overheard that last little bit.
“ What ?” she asked, eyes wide as she gaped at me.
I cringed.
Nope. She heard. Of course, she did.