27. Blake
27
BLAKE
R eagan hadn’t been bluffing.
By the time I got to Jenny’s kitchen to begin prepping for the next catering gig, the warehouse texted to let me know that they’d chosen someone else.
“Well, then fuck you too,” I muttered as I slammed the door shut and hurried inside.
This bitterness didn’t belong in my life. Losing the chance to make more money sucked, but it was the way Zach had butted in that bothered me the most.
He was a protective man. I knew that, and I’d always been aware of it. Going into the military to sacrifice his life and freedom was a fundamental basis of being a protector.
Seeing him step in as my protector, to stand up to Reagan and to look out for George, though, that threw me off. It was too easy to picture him like that—caring, generous, and defensive on our behalf. And it was just as easy to get latched to the idea of him always doing that. That I could count on him to be in my corner however and whenever I wanted or needed him.
Which wasn’t true.
Until he could change his mind and say he wanted to stay here, to make something real and lasting with me, it seemed like a big old bunch of contradictions and mixed messages. He lusted for me and could care for George when he was ill, yet he’d still want to take off on the premise that he might find something better or more worthwhile elsewhere? He tucked me in and showed me tenderness like no other man ever had, but at the same time, he couldn’t commit to being in town past a specific date just because being on the go was what he’d always done?
Over the next week and a half, as I avoided him and didn’t reach out for him, I tried to battle this war in my head where he was concerned, this heart-breaking conviction that I just wasn’t good enough. That I wasn’t a prize to try to win or keep.
Sexually, he treasured me. But otherwise? I felt like a fool to be getting my hopes up.
Being busy at work prevented me from having any time to see Zach anyway, but on the night before George’s last day of school before winter break would start, I struggled with how badly I’d missed the man I swore I couldn’t call my own.
I headed home from a catering gig and paid Amanda for watching George. “He’s asleep,” she reported.
I yawned, then smiled. “Good. Because I found another little bag of gifts to wrap for him.”
She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Hey, he was asking me about Zach before I read his bedtime story.”
I winced. Oh, no.
She put her hands out. “No, I didn’t—No. I didn’t say anything. I wouldn’t. That’s on you. But he was asking where Zach went.”
I sighed. “Well, that’s a valid question. Because in a couple of weeks, who knows where he’ll be, right?”
Amanda shrugged. “I don’t know.” She didn’t make eye contact as she put her coat on. “Have you asked if he could see himself hanging around here longer?”
“I’m…” I heaved out a tired breath. “I’m not going to beg or ask. I won’t play that game. What he does and where he goes is up to him.”
“But when you tell him…”
I shook my head. “It’ll still be up to him. I can’t afford to put my heart on the line, Amanda. I can’t let myself get my hopes up high and wish for the impossible.”
“You love him?” she guessed quietly.
I pressed my lips together. I did, which made it all worse. He couldn’t love me, not if he would be leaving. Even if he was getting closer to loving me, the second I revealed that I’d kept his paternity a secret all along, he’d hate me.
Amanda took my silence as an answer, hugging me before taking my leave. After she was gone, I tried to busy myself with wrapping the last of the presents before I went to bed. I was off tomorrow, and all I would need to do was go to the school for George’s presentation about families.
No, that’s not all. As I struggled to fit the paper around the awkward presents, a dozen more chores and errands popped up in my mind. Days off were rare, and I couldn’t capitalize on so-called “free time” to just be with my son.
Knocks sounded on the door, and I paused, frowning. It couldn’t be Rory. If he was popping in, he’d bang his fist. Jenny and Amanda had a key, so they’d knock and let themselves in at the same time. Now what?
I opened the door, finding Zach there.
After not seeing him for many years, I should’ve been used to his absence. But after he’d returned and gotten so close to me, these ten days apart had been misery.
I will be a mess when you go again. I couldn’t reply to Amanda’s question, but I knew what I felt for this rugged man was love. I loved my baby daddy, and I had no clue how to tell him.
“Did Amanda send you over here?” I asked as a greeting.
He furrowed his brow. “No. I haven’t seen her today. Why?”
Oh, just because she was here an hour ago making me realize I love you and want you more than I have a right to.
“Can I come in?” he asked.
I nodded, stepping back. Curious what he could want, I watched him take his coat off and hang it. “More presents to wrap?” He tipped his chin to the table.
“Yeah.” I rubbed my brow as I closed the door. “I found a little stash I’d hidden and I wanted to get them?—”
“I missed you.”
I blinked, studying him. His face was sincere, and I scolded myself for getting excited by his words. He missed me? He’d miss me more when he left Vernford.
“Zach,” I sighed. “I’m tired and busy and?—”
He took my hand, looking down at his skin next to mine. “I just wanted to see you.” He lifted those baby blues to me. “I needed to see you. I hate how things ended the last time we spoke, and I’ve been miserable all week.”
“Ten days,” I corrected. “A week and a half.”
He almost smiled, stroking his thumb over my knuckles. “Yeah. That’s too long. Too much distance.”
“But it’s nothing compared to when you’ll leave town again. You’ll be further away and gone for longer looking for what you want in life.”
He tugged me closer, and I stepped forward, lured to seek his comfort despite the logic I should’ve followed and stayed apart.
“I don’t want to think like that. About that.” He shook his head and sighed. “I can’t stop thinking about you.” Sliding his hand along my jaw, he ended up cupping my head and tipping my face up toward his. “I don’t want to stop thinking about what we have right here, right now.”
I closed my eyes but didn’t move. Seeing the longing in his deep blue eyes was too much to resist. When I gazed at him like that, I swore I saw clear through to his soul, the other half that belonged with me.
“Zach, I don’t know what we’re even doing. What this is or what I should do…” I licked my lips and opened my eyes.
“I do. I know exactly what I want.” He leaned in lower. “I want you, Blake.”
“I don’t have time to just fall into bed like that. George’s last day is tomorrow, and I have so many things to tidy up or clean. Laundry. Dishes. Clear the sidewalk from snow.”
He rubbed his thumb along my cheek, nodding. “Then I’ll help. Let me help, Blake. I’m sorry if the last time I thought I was helping was overstepping, but I couldn’t stand him bullying George or Reagan acting like it was no problem.”
“I—”
He edged in, bringing me flush against him as he stared into my eyes. “I’m sorry,” he repeated. “But I can’t stand the thought of you suffering or struggling. Please, let me take care of you. Let me help you. Even if just for tonight. I’ll do the dishes, the laundry.” He furrowed his brow. “I’ll manage wrapping those.”
Don’t make me fall more in love with you. I couldn’t survive if I got more attached. Shaking my head, I looked down. “You don’t need to do that. It’s not your responsibility. I’m not your burden.” When he opened his mouth to argue, I went on. “I do want to talk to you, though. I need to.” Because even though I wasn’t his to worry about, George was his son and he did have a right to look out for him. “But not like this. Not when I’m so tired and burned out from this week.”
He clutched me close, holding me tight. “Then I’ll help you with that. For the rest of the night, sweetheart, let me in to take care of you.”
Sweetheart. How I wished that he’d always want to call me that. I snuggled against him, too selfish to want his embrace and security until he might have second thoughts about giving it to me ever again.
“It sounds too good to be true,” I replied wryly. “Someone to swoop in and take care of me?” I joked.
He did just that, lowering in a slight crouch to swoop me up into his arms. I held my breath, locking my arms around his neck as he crushed his lips to mine. Dizzy from the change in gravity and being suspended in his strong hold, I sighed into his mouth, relishing his familiar taste.
“Sometimes, I have to convince myself that you’re not too good to be true,” he whispered as he carried me to my bedroom.