Chapter 5 The Weight of Small Things #2
“Ray and I got Theo and Savannah when they were older. Already formed. Already survivors in their own right. They’d been through things, seen things—they understood the world we lived in because they’d lived in it too.
” Dorian paused, watching the reflection of Christmas lights in the dark window.
“But Amari was so small. So new. She hadn’t survived anything yet.
She was just... this tiny, perfect thing who had no idea the world could be dangerous. ”
“A miracle,” Derek said quietly.
“That’s what Ray called her. But honestly, I called her a liability.” He almost smiled at the memory. “Ray hit me for that. But I meant it. Suddenly there was this fragile, helpless person who couldn’t defend herself, couldn’t run, couldn’t hide. And I was supposed to keep her safe.”
“You were scared.”
“Terrified. In a way I’d never been before.
” Dorian turned slightly, meeting Derek’s eyes.
“After what I’d lived through… the weeks of torture, the years of looking over my shoulder—that fear, I knew how to carry.
I’d made my peace with it. But this was different.
This was fear for someone who didn’t even know there was anything to fear. ”
Derek absorbed that in silence. Denise chose that moment to fuss again—a small, irritated sound that threatened to escalate. He adjusted his hold, shifting her higher on his chest, and made a soft shushing noise. She settled.
“You had more reason to be scared than me,” Derek said. “I can take Denise anywhere. Park. Doctor. Grocery store. Anywhere.” He kept his voice low. “You couldn’t even exist publicly. Still can’t. If the wrong person found out you and Ray were alive—”
“I know. Trust me, Ray and I live with the knowledge our enemies would come for us. Even now, after all these years if they knew we were alive.”
“So how did you protect a tiny baby when you couldn’t even show your face?”
It was a real question. Derek genuinely wanted to know.
Dorian thought about the years of hiding. Of falsifying records with Blaze and Neo’s help. Of raising children in the shadows, teaching them to lie about who they were before they could fully understand why.
“The fear doesn’t disqualify you,” he said finally. “That’s the thing I had to learn. I kept thinking I had to stop being afraid before I could be a good father. But that’s not how it works.”
“How does it work?”
“You let the fear make you better. You pay attention. You don’t take anything for granted.” He shrugged. “The same hypervigilance that kept you and I alive under circumstances that should’ve killed us? That same hypervigilance can keep us present.”
“How?”
Dorian shrugged. “I noticed everything about my kids because I was always watching for threats. Turns out that means you catch the small stuff too. The stuff that matters: first steps, them learning how to cartwheel, when they’re struggling with Algebra.
I learned to use my hypervigilance to my advantage, rather than let it control me. ”
Ray passed behind them, her hand brushing Dorian’s shoulder as she moved. No words. Just contact, acknowledgment, nearly forty years of loving each other compressed into a single gesture. She continued on toward the kitchen, probably for something to laugh at.
“She grounds you,” Derek observed.
“Every single damn day. I wouldn’t have made it without her.” Dorian watched his wife disappear into the foam-covered kitchen. “Find your anchors. Use them. That’s the other thing.”
“Becky’s mine.”
“Then you’re already ahead of where I was. Ray and I had to legitimately try to kill each other a few times before we figured that out.”
Quinn appeared at Derek’s elbow, her expression hopeful. “I haven’t had a turn in almost an hour to hold that precious girl. Annie’s been hogging her, as if she has a right as the blood-related grandmother rather than honorary. Would you mind?”
Derek looked down at his daughter, something complicated moving across his face. Then he carefully transferred Denise into Quinn’s waiting arms.
“Support her head. She likes—”
“Don’t worry, she’s safe with me.” Quinn was already settling Denise against her shoulder, her posture shifting into that natural sway that seemed to be hardwired into anyone who’d ever raised children. “Go. Get some food. Talk to your brother about whatever’s happening in the kitchen.”
She drifted away, cooing softly to the baby, leaving Derek with empty arms and a strange expression.
“Feels weird,” he admitted. “When she’s not with me.”
Dorian wasn’t sure if he meant Becky or little Denise, but it didn’t matter. “That’s how you know you’re doing it right.”
Derek huffed out something that was almost a laugh. “That’s not comforting.”
“Wasn’t trying to be comforting. I was trying to be honest.”
Whatever Derek might have said in response was cut short by movement at the edge of Dorian’s vision. He turned, some old instinct prickling at the back of his neck.
Theo was crossing the room. Lincoln was with him.
Dorian knew his son’s body language better than he knew his own. The set of Theo’s shoulders. The controlled pace of his movement. The way his eyes swept the room even as he walked.
Operational mode. Something had happened.
Theo reached them, Lincoln half a step behind. His gaze met Dorian’s, mouth tight.
“Tell them,” Theo said to Lincoln.
Lincoln’s face was calm, focused, already processing whatever data had prompted this approach. “There’s been a perimeter breach. East side. Two individuals on foot, moving through the tree line toward the main building.”
“Not a car,” Theo added. “Looks like someone who doesn’t want to be seen coming.”
Derek had gone still beside him. Dorian could feel his own body shifting, old training surfacing like muscle memory.
“How far out?” Dorian asked.
“Ten, fifteen minutes, at their current pace in this weather. They choosing stealth over speed, looks like,” Lincoln responded.
Stealth over speed could mean a lot of things, but to Dorian all of them meant danger.
Across the room, the party continued. Kids laughing. Adults talking. Charlie’s voice rising from the kitchen in exasperation. None of them knew yet.
Dorian pushed off the wall.
Some instincts never turned off.
*
* Books from characters in this chapter:
Ray & Dorian Lindstrom (Theo & Savannah as children) – GHOST, SCOUT epilogue, BLAZE
Derek & Becky – HERO’S FLIGHT
Blaze & Neo – BLAZE
The RESTING WARRIOR RANCH series
Pawsitive Connections – part of WARRIOR SECURITY