Chapter 16
SIXTEEN
I could feel myself burning with anger and embarrassment as we continued with breakfast. Now that she had me caught nicely in her net, Mum moved on to talk about what dress she might wear, and I had no need – or requirement – to join in with that particular topic. Luckily, Coco was more interested, and kept Mum diverted.
‘Are you all right?’ asked Constance, buttering a piece of toast lavishly and putting it on my plate. I was touched by the gesture and picked it up gratefully.
‘I’m okay,’ I said, glancing across at Mum to make sure she wasn’t listening. ‘Remember that I’m used to her.’
‘Don’t want to be rude about your mother,’ murmured Constance, who was clearly itching to do just that, ‘but she’s extraordinarily manipulative. Didn’t like seeing you and Alexander backed into a corner like that. I do hope Douglas will be all right.’
I gave a small smile.
‘You can be as rude as you like about her – it’s refreshing. I hear a lot about how terrific she is. The truth is that, like all of us, she has her good side and her bloody awful side. But from what I’ve seen, I don’t think you need to worry about Douglas – she’s besotted with him in a way I’ve never seen before, and I think that if he were to challenge her on something, she loves and respects him enough to compromise. Which is a word I’ve not associated with Mum before.’
Constance laughed.
‘Well, he’s a grown man, he can look after himself. And you’re a grown woman and no doubt more than capable of looking after your self…’
‘But I’m a doormat where Mum’s concerned?’ I supplied.
She shrugged.
‘I wouldn’t have gone so far as to say doormat, but you do seem flattened by her at times. Maybe anyone would be. She’s a force of nature, your mother.’
‘As are you, I think.’
She nodded thoughtfully.
‘Yes, but I tend to direct it towards myself and my work, rather than pulling other people’s strings.’
‘Mum is just so convinced of her own rightness that it’s hard for her to understand that other people might see the world differently. And besides, steamrollering and manipulating people has paid dividends over the years. She can be kind, too, and she’s a great person to have on your side if something goes wrong.’
‘I can imagine. Perhaps I just need to get to know her better.’
‘Just don’t get sucked into her orbit. I’m already dreading being asked to be a bridesmaid, and what monstrous outfit she’ll make me wear, but you don’t need any peach taffeta in your life.’
Constance roared with laughter, causing everyone at the table to look our way.
‘Something funny?’ asked Mum, with an arched eyebrow.
I was also giggling now and waved her away with my fork. She frowned and returned to her dress conversation, which had already been going on for ten minutes or so – about nine minutes longer than I am able to talk about wedding dresses. I concentrated on finishing my breakfast, difficult when, at regular intervals, Constance hissed various horrors at me: Watered silk! Crepe de chine! Kitten heels! Alexander looked over at us queryingly a few times, but of course we couldn’t share the joke with him.
As breakfast drew to a close, Mum turned her attention back to me.
‘Are you busy this morning, Fallon?’
The truth was that Alexander and I had nothing big to do now until the Citro?n turned up, but I had planned to do a proper, long Moors walk with a pub lunch at the end of it. As is her style, Mum took my lack of instant response for an answer – one which was to her liking.
‘Good. I’d like to get some of your toxins flushed out: I’m taking you for a colonic cleanse!’
This was announced much as if it were a special treat, but the ripple of horror that went around the table swiftly put paid to that.
‘What’s wrong with you all?’ demanded Mum. ‘It’s a fantastic way of restoring energy and the practitioners who do it are very discreet.’
I started to say that no way was I spending my morning doing anything of the sort when, like a beautifully trained, supportive chorus, everyone at the table spoke at once:
‘I’m sorry, Jacqueline?—’
‘Darling, I’m not sure?—’
‘But I wanted Fallon to?—’
‘What rot! I was going to ask her?—’
‘It sounds amazing, Jacqueline, but?—’
Yes, everyone spoke up for me, giving Mum a reason why I couldn’t possibly spend the morning with a tube up my bottom, then having the entire experience plastered all over social media. I looked around the table, grinning, then raised my hands in the air helplessly.
‘Sorry, Mum, as you can see, I’m rushed off my feet. In demand.’ Luckily, I had managed to hear what everyone’s rapid excuses for me were, and I seized on a couple. ‘I’m going to the sanctuary with Alexander and Theo this morning and then I’m meeting Constance for lunch in a pub on the moors. All that walking will tire me, so I plan to spend a quiet afternoon making some preliminary plans for your engagement party. Sorry.’
‘Your loss. Maybe we can do it another day.’
‘Mum, to be honest, I think I’m always going to be too busy for a colonic cleanse.’
She would have continued arguing her corner, but Douglas swept in heroically.
‘Actually, darling, I was hoping that we could spend the first day of being an engaged couple doing something special? I have booked lunch and an overnight stay at The Mottled Dog in Charlington.’
‘Oh, Douglas!’ She clapped her hands girlishly, my colon forgotten, thank goodness. ‘That’s the one with two Michelin stars – however did you get a reservation?’
‘You’re not the only one with contacts,’ he said, smiling. ‘Come on, let’s go and ring The Times to put in our announcement, then we can think about what to pack.’
They left the room, and the rest of us grinned at each other.
‘Your father is an absolute genius,’ I said. ‘As for my plans today, nobody has to hold me to what I said in the line of fire, but thank you all for saving me.’
‘Does that mean you’re not coming to the sanctuary?’ asked Theo, looking disappointed.
I glanced at Alexander, then smiled.
‘I’d love to come. I need to see how my baby bunnies are getting on.’
‘Yay!’ shouted Theo, punching the air in a way that made me feel flattered. ‘I’m going to go and get ready!’
‘And I’d still like to have that lunch with you,’ said Constance. ‘I’ll be nose to the grindstone this morning, so a brisk walk over the moors and a good plate of food at the end of it will be just what I need. Do you want to join us, Coco?’
She shook her head.
‘No, thanks. I’ve got exciting news of my own. I’m going into York to speak to someone who needs a last-minute caterer for a dinner party at the weekend. A friend of a friend put us in touch, so I hope it comes off. Oh, and talking of last minute, Fallon, if you need someone to cater Dad and Jacqueline’s party, I’d be glad to help.’
I could have hugged her.
‘That would be amazing, thank you so much. If you’re around this afternoon, maybe we could have a look at some ideas?’
She agreed, and we all started to clear up breakfast. As I stacked plates, I thought how lucky – not to mention surprised – I was that this holiday was turning out so well. Even after such a short time I’d miss the Knights when I went back to London.
When we arrived at Sadie’s, even I could see the change in Theo. He jumped out of the car almost before it had stopped and ran to ring on the doorbell of the house. Linnet appeared, pulling on her coat, and the two of them ran around to the sanctuary. By the time Sadie appeared at the door, there was no sign of the two children.
‘Gone already, have they?’ she asked, tugging a deep purple knitted hat down to her eyes. ‘They’ve palled up, those two. It’s been great having Theo come to visit, and I can’t pretend that the extra helping hands of whoever brings him aren’t welcome.’
We started walking around to the sanctuary, at a more sedate pace than the children.
‘I can’t imagine my mother being much help,’ I said, trying to imagine her pushing raw chick meat into the gullet of a towel-swaddled owl.
‘You’d be surprised,’ said Sadie, pushing open the door of the room where the bunnies we fed last time were kept. ‘She’s not squeamish, so she makes a great vet’s nurse. She assisted me with an amputation the other day – poor fox had been hit by a car. There’d be plenty of people fainting at the sight, but she was interested, and very competent.’
I raised my eyebrows. Why hadn’t Mum mentioned it? I decided to ask her when I had a chance. Sadie flicked the kettle on and continued.
‘But one of the best things she’s done is put us on her Instagram page. Thanks to that we’ve had near to a one hundred per cent increase in donations, and interest from the local press. The power of these things is amazing. Right, you two are on baby bunny feeding duty again, then I’ve got a piece of dry-stone walling that needs fixing – you said you know how to do that, Alexander?’ He nodded. ‘Great. In that case, I’ll leave you to it. Oh, and do use that kettle to make yourselves a coffee, everything’s in the cupboard there.’
We bustled around for a few minutes, getting everything ready, then each gently lifted out a little rabbit and sat down on the sofa.
‘They’re bigger than last time,’ said Alexander. ‘They won’t need feeding like this for much longer.’
We settled into a companionable silence which appeared calm although my heart was racing at the sensation of his thigh pressing against mine; we were sitting closer together than we had been last time. As we swapped our sated rabbits for hungry ones, I prepared myself to bring up what had happened at breakfast. Much as I didn’t want to spend this cosy time talking about Jacqueline Honeywood, I did want to clear the air.
‘I’m sorry about Mum,’ I said, stroking the bunny’s velvety ears as it sucked at the small syringe. ‘Obviously, you don’t have to do anything to help with the engagement party; it’s bad enough that I was forced into it.’
‘Do you find it hard to say no to her?’ asked Alexander. ‘Although I don’t know who wouldn’t – it seems almost impossible.’
I grimaced.
‘She has a way of making you feel so unreasonable for refusing her that you end up agreeing. It’s only later that you think of good arguments, and by then the juggernaut has moved on. I don’t see her very often, normally, so it’s not as bad as it could be, and it’s much easier to say no over email or text message than it is over the breakfast table.’
‘Dad should have been firmer,’ said Alexander. ‘I can have a word with him if you like?’
‘No, don’t worry, I’ll put something together and steel myself for her inevitable disappointment. At least the time scale is dramatically limited. That brings its own problems, but it’ll all be over with quite quickly.’
We swapped our rabbits again for the final two.
‘I’ll gladly help you,’ said Alexander, ‘although you’ll have to just give me instructions to carry out. The Christmas Fayre has been bad enough; I don’t have the first clue when it comes to organising a party. Theo never wants them for his birthday, so I haven’t even been able to do that.’
I turned to him gratefully.
‘If you really don’t mind, then that would be brilliant – for the moral support, if nothing else.’
‘Of course. And it’s for Dad as well – a small step towards thanking him for everything he does for Theo and me. And Fallon…’ He broke off, but I couldn’t answer – my throat was suddenly tight. ‘I can’t deny that I’d be very happy to spend more time with you.’
Our rabbits, now replete, were dozing on our laps. Alexander caught and held my gaze again in that gorgeously unsettling way he had, that I seemed unable to break away from. His hand crept away from the rabbit and towards mine, which met it willingly. We were already so close together that I could feel his breath on my face, and it was the easiest and most natural thing for our lips to meet in a kiss that was gentle, yet set off explosions throughout my body. Those baby rabbits may well have needed to cover their eyes with their soft little paws, had the door not flung open, admitting Jacob, Theo and Linnet and causing Alexander and I to spring apart, guilt written all over our faces.
‘Hello, all!’ boomed Alexander in an unnaturally jovial voice, standing up and just managing to cling on to his surprised rabbit, rudely awakened from its milky snooze.
Linnet hadn’t noticed a thing and bounced over to take the little creature from Alexander’s hands, crooning over it. Theo followed her more slowly, looking at us thoughtfully, but was soon absorbed by the rabbit he took from me, going over to the cage with his friend to look at all the babies. Jacob, of course, wasn’t so easily distracted and gave us a knowing grin and a raised eyebrow, which prompted us to get very busy clearing up the little kitchen area and jabber away about dry-stone walling.
‘Do you want to come and help?’ Alexander asked the children, who agreed enthusiastically, so we all set off to complete our next job.
As we worked on the wall, Alexander and I tried to determinedly avoid looking at each other, but our eyes kept meeting and each time they did, a jolt of electricity shot through me. I kept up a stream of conversation, hoping to keep things normal in front of the children, but I can’t deny that I was relieved when the time came for me to go and meet Constance for lunch.
‘Are you sure you can find your way all right?’ asked Alexander, pausing in his work. ‘I could run you over there, it would only take ten minutes.’
‘It’s fine, thank you,’ I replied. ‘I have my phone and a paper map and it’s only a mile or so. But there was one favour I wondered if you could all do for me?’ I touched Theo on the shoulder, and he smiled up at me. ‘Could you possibly keep Runcible with you and take her back home when you go? She’s tired and I don’t think a hike across the moors is going to help.’
‘Ooh, yes, please ,’ said the little boy, as I had known he would. ‘We’d love to look after her for you.’
‘Thank you.’ I handed him a small crossbody bag I had been carrying. ‘This is her lunch and poo bags.’
He put it on importantly.
‘Don’t worry, Fallon, she’ll be fine with me.’
‘I know she will, thank you.’
With a final glance at Alexander, I set off. The truth was that I was tired, too, but I welcomed a stride across the moors to think about that kiss and try to get my tangle of feelings straightened out.
Of course, by the time I arrived at the pub, I had answered precisely no questions about how I felt or where I wanted things to go, and when I went to join Constance at the table she had secured right next to the blazing fire in an inglenook fireplace, she noticed immediately that something was up.
‘Ah, Fallon, hello. Goodness, are you okay?’
I sighed.
‘Yes, I’m fine, just got a few things on my mind.’
Kind, understanding Constance didn’t probe for details, but instead pointed to the menu, written on a small blackboard near the bar.
‘Maybe some lunch will sort you out. I’m trying to decide between the ham hock and the bean and mushroom pie.’
I studied the board for a moment.
‘Yes, I’ll have the bean and mushroom pie, it sounds delicious.’
‘Good. I’ll get some drinks when I order too. I’m going to have half a pint of the local bitter, same for you?’
I shook my head.
‘No, thanks, I’m not a beer drinker. I’ll just have a lime cordial and soda.’
Our drinks and food were soon before us, and we tucked in hungrily. Constance told me all about the book she was writing, which sounded fascinating.
‘Belize is a wonderful country,’ she told me. ‘But the caves we’re investigating are difficult to get to, so we had to set up a temporary camp and labs right next to the site so that we could stay there for weeks at a time. We made some real progress into working out what rituals the caves were used for, hence the book. It’s an under-researched place and we’re desperate to go back again, but that takes money, of course. Hopefully, the book will get a bit of attention and we might get some funding.’
‘Let me know when it’s being published,’ I said, forking up some delicious, buttery mashed potato that lay in a thick coat across the top of the pie. ‘I’ll gladly help you throw a launch party and try to whip up some press interest.’
Constance beamed at me.
‘Jolly good of you. Not sure many archaeologists get launch parties thrown by glamorous London companies like yours. Will you mind us all turning up in muddy boots and holey sweaters?’
I laughed.
‘Wear what you like, it’ll be your party. We can talk about it nearer the time, but you can be sure it won’t be something that feels wrong for the occasion, or where anyone feels out of place. It’ll be fun.’
‘I don’t doubt that…but Fallon, publishers of this sort of thing don’t have the money for more than a pint down the pub.’
‘Please, it would be my pleasure. Anyway, you can consider it a quid pro quo for the advice you’re going to give me.’
‘Ha. Don’t know what my advice is worth, but I’ll take you up on that. Alexander, is it?’
I pulled a face.
‘Is it that obvious?’
‘I’m usually a dolt when it comes to this sort of thing, but even I noticed that you fancy the pants off each other. So, what’s the problem?’
Heat rose in my cheeks.
‘I’m not sure there is a problem, that’s what.’
‘Marvellous, we can think about what we’re having for pud, instead.’
I laughed.
‘Okay, fair enough. He…er, I…that is, we kissed this morning…’
I trailed off. The pink in my cheeks was rapidly turning purple, and I wished I could turn the fire down. I am not used to these sorts of conversations, and whenever they arose with Mum, I did my best to end them as quickly as possible. But Constance couldn’t have been more different, and I desperately wanted to talk over my feelings with someone. She finished chewing her mouthful and waved her fork at me.
‘Excellent. Tell me more. If you want to. Always happy to talk about dogs, if you prefer.’
I shook my head.
‘It’s all right. It’s all just a bit embarrassing.’
‘Not embarrassing. Life.’
I continued, ‘So, I’m feeling happy…I suppose that’s what’s worrying me. I think Alexander is – lovely. And yes, I do fancy the pants off him.’
‘But?’
‘But…’ I stopped, feeling awful about what I wanted to say. I looked up at Constance’s plain, intelligent, calm face and felt encouraged. What I had to say next came out in a rush. ‘It’s Theo. He’s a great little boy, but I’ve always had major reservations about becoming a mother. I just think I’d be terrible at it, especially with a child as sensitive as Theo. And I’ve never been that interested in serious relationships at all, let alone with men who have kids. I know it’s ridiculously early where Alexander is concerned to be saying this stuff.’
I stopped abruptly and stared miserably into what was left of my pie. I braced myself for the usual: you’ll come round to motherhood, give it time ; how can you not want children, you’ll love it once you do ; aren’t you jumping the gun a bit, it was one kiss? But Constance was different.
‘I can see your dilemma, and you’re right to think about it now. There are plenty of hearts to be broken if things develop with Alexander. As far as deal breakers go, it’s a biggie. With my most sensible of sensible hats on, I’d advise you to stop this thing before it has properly started. Alexander comes with Theo, it’s non-negotiable.’ I nodded, feeling tears pushing at the back of my eyes. ‘Deep breaths,’ instructed Constance, draining her glass. ‘I’m going to get another of these – do you mind driving my car back?’
I shook my head and grabbed the opportunity of her going to the bar to take the breaths. I started to feel better, and more ready for the most difficult part of my admissions, yet to come. Constance returned, placing a glass in front of both of us.
‘I’ve ordered pud as well, two different ones so just take what you like when it comes, or I’ll tackle both if you don’t want anything.’
An unexpected bubble of laughter erupted from my mouth, and she looked at me quizzically.
‘Sorry! I’m all about the puddings, so I’m afraid you’ll only get one. I was only laughing because having lunch with you is a very different experience from having lunch with Mum.’
She raised an eyebrow.
‘I’m sure. Couldn’t live like that myself, but we do what we have to do. Being a glamorous celebrity comes with some upkeep, I imagine.’
‘Just a bit!’
‘I’m much happier scrabbling around in a muddy field and enjoying puddings, myself, but it takes all sorts. Ah, here they are.’
I chose the apple pie with custard, while Constance had the sticky toffee pudding. We ate for a moment in silence, and then she said, ‘So, finish the story. I know there’s more.’
‘There is more. The hardest bit. The thing is, that after all these years of feeling one way and being perfectly happy…I think my feelings are changing. And I don’t know how I feel about that. I haven’t done some massive one-eighty: I’m not about to start baking and knitting baby bootees. It’s more that it feels like a little window has opened somewhere in me, that I could contemplate…’
‘You’re changing.’
‘Yes.’ I busied myself for a moment, scraping my bowl. ‘That’s what it feels like, but is it true? Can one change so suddenly, and in such a big way?’
‘We do change, and there’s no shame in that. We should embrace it, not fight it, but of course it can feel slippery and terrifying, so of course we run scared. And these changes that feel so huge, well, often they’re pretty much in line with who we already are, even if they don’t feel that way.’ I looked at her curiously, not sure what she meant. ‘There are plenty of ways to skin a cat, my dear. Motherhood doesn’t automatically equal a love of baking and flowery aprons. If it does come to you, you’ll do it your own way, and that won’t be any better or any worse, but it will be the best thing for any child involved – that you just be yourself. Look at me: hardly the catalogue version of a mummy, but I loved it, deeply, still do. Had to bat off a few opinions along the way, but that’s true of everything in life.’
‘But that’s it!’ I burst out. ‘Being any sort of mother is fine, but the loving it deeply bit. How do you guarantee that? How do you know you’ll be able to be selfless, to give the child what they need?’
‘Being selfless and giving a child what they need are not necessarily the same thing. An exhausted, resentful, frustrated parent is no good to anyone. But you muddle through and do your best and make mistakes and try to sort them out. I suppose you’re thinking about Jacqueline?’
‘Yes. I understand what she was doing with her career, and why, and I appreciate that, I do, but I felt so unwanted and even now she still always makes me feel like I’m not good enough. She’s always trying to upgrade me in some way. What if I do the same? Become a mother and then get bored with the whole thing?’
For a moment or two, Constance regarded me in silence. Finally, she said, ‘I can see why you’re worried. But we don’t have to repeat patterns, especially when we recognise them. You already have your life, your identity, your success. From what I know about the situation, Jacqueline was very young when she had you and was still chasing those things. It’s very different. And she loves you, you know, very much. She’s just hopelessly clumsy at showing it. But I see her looking at you, see the pride when you talk about your work, or when you helped Theo out with the sanctuary. I can see the inner glow she has for you.’
‘ Really? ’ I spluttered.
She nodded seriously.
‘Really. It doesn’t take away the fact that your childhood wasn’t ideal, but it’s true. I know it might be an impossible ask, Fallon, and this is by no means a directive, but you did ask for my advice…’
She looked at me questioningly.
‘I did. Please say whatever it is.’
‘You might consider – just think about – letting some of that resentment go and allowing her to be a mother to you now . You push her away, you know, and it’s not helping either of you.’
I swallowed, feeling those annoying tears pricking again.
‘I’ll think about it. All of it. Thank you.’
I reached across the table and took her hand. She squeezed mine hard.
‘Let yourself be happy, see where it takes you. And, for some more traditional advice, let me tell you that Alexander is one of the best men I have ever met, and Theo one of the best kids. You’d be a bloody fool to let them go.’
I let my mind bring up an image of the two of them and my heart swelled with hope.